So. I’m so sorry about this but I have to say some stuff. There's this point that I realized over the past couple days that this was way into the realm of obsession/fixation. I know it is. So I have to at least get it out. Maybe break the spell or wake myself up. Keeping it all inside is not working, I'm just not strong enough. It's not even that my heart won't listen to my brain, it's that my brain refuses to try to convince it, because this is my brain almost as much as, maybe even more so than, my heart and other parts. I mean it's just such a huge surge of regret in a way. I had given up and was okay with that. I've not felt like this about a real person in so long... I had forgotten how it even feels. And it has to be not real. It has to be this... not even unrequited, this never even a possibility. I think I'd like it better almost if it were about something else like rejection because I could get over that. I've done rejection we all know it hurts but it's easy almost to get angry to lash out and you cry and then you get mad and say fuck them. It's never going to be that. And that's the problem maybe. It's the unattainable part that is weighing on me. Not even just the married part, as if that were some unimportant footnote - it isn't. It is surely part of the reason, part of why I feel safe enough to feel these things without any tangible risk. I guess it’s a kind of pre-emptive rejection. But what is harder for me is just knowing he would be out of reach regardless. Even if the stars were aligned perfectly, he wasn't married and it was next year and the course was finished, he could never want me. Not physically, I’m sure, and certainly not in terms of who I am. Which hurts unbearably. I've found this person that is everything I could ever want, that literally has all of those things - he provokes me, excites me, involves me, comforts me, fascinates me, makes me smile. It's not just a physical attraction. I love him. Truly. I know that sounds stupid but it actually isn't. Because no matter what I will always idolise, adore, and cherish him in some way. His existence has made me a better person. It saved me. He's given me this gift that he barely even had to do anything, I mean he probably doesn't even realize. How could he? And I think that's the crux. I think that's why I have these insanely powerful feelings for this person that doesn't have a clue and sees me as just another part of his job. But whether or not he knows, or suspects, or ever even will: I know. I know that this life I have now in which I'm actually alive again, is all due to him, all thanks to him. Him. He gave it to me. And every day he makes me a better person. Every day he makes me think and makes me work harder and try harder and want to do better and want to succeed even more than I ever did before. The way he challenges me is exhilarating. It's overwhelming, really, the power he has. That I give him. But it's like, I don't care. I want him to have it. It's my gift. So maybe it’s okay this way. Better even. Even if he never knows. Even if I sit down here, vicariously enjoying the brilliance that he emits from above. I don't need anything from him. He can have all of this, any of it or none at all. There is nothing he could do that would cause me to stop. No matter what. And in a way I want him to figure it out. Not because it's an option, because in no iteration of this world is it. But because I want him to be flattered. To enjoy it even in some abstract way. I want him to have this part of me. No matter what, he always will.
