last night, my partner admitted to me that he doesn't think he needs friends; he's gotten along fine on his own, and doesn't need friends for "validation". this was shocking to hear! i've been in love with this person for a considerable amount of time now, and while i did note his lone wolf tendencies from the very start, he'd never been so frank about solitude.
it's not uncommon for this lack of friendships to be labelled a red flag. the general idea is that if the person can't/won't maintain friendships, then they're likely not going to be a very good partner. it supposedly signals that they can't/don't care about anyone but themselves enough to maintain anything. i know that this isn't true of my boyfriend. he's caring, supportive, and one of the most loyal people i've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
so, it was hard for me to hear that he doesn't care for friendships. i am a queer person whose friendships were my first grounds for love. my friendships are the most enriching and important relationships to me. my friends are my kin, and there is very little that i wouldn't do for them. i Love my friends, and take immense joy in the fact that i have cultivated friendships with amazing people. in the past year, i've come to really understand what i need in friendships, which has allowed me to identify my favourite ones. it also led to letting go of the friendships that just made me feel Bad, and from there i really understood myself and love as a whole. my friendships inform much of how i am as a romantic partner.
love is a verb and friendship is a choice as much as any other relationship. i said as much to him.
brief aside: i asked him, then why do you need romantic relationships?
he said, i don't! maybe at some other point i felt like i did but, especially when we met, i didn't feel that way at all.
"i'm in a relationship with you because i love you," he said. it was that simple.
we were talking about the same thing, really. he doesn't care for friendships that come only out of the need to not be alone in the same way that neither of us care for romantic relationships out of the need to ... be in a romantic relationship.
anyway, he said that he likes the idea of a friendship (having people to hang out with), but doesn't care for the reality of having to foster that relationship. this happened only last night, and i'm still thinking about what it all means. it doesn't change how i feel about him, but does make me wonder about how in spite of this we are still so compatible.
in general it seems that men don't have friendships in the same way that women do, could that be a part of it? and what about queerness? how does that fit in?
