what do you mean common app is open and I now have to pick where I’m going to spend the next four years of my life? Forever I’ve imagined studying architecture in New York while attending Cornell, but now being faced with the time where I must decide I fear that all my passions and wants are colliding, making me feel like I no longer know what I truly want.
I was playing Spiritfarer, a game about giving spirits their final journey before they finally pass on.
A character was being taken to the Everdoor, the place where the spirits, when their journey is fulfilled, go to finally rest. And she was talking. This was the fifth spirit my dad and I (I play this game with him) have taken to the door. But earlier in the game day, another spirit simply disappeared.
No final hurrah, no goodbye, no Everdoor. He just left.
And the spirit we took moved on, her constellation added to the sky. My dad and I were silent after that, but the game decided we were being idle.
And when you're idle in the game, it moves the screen to the sky where all the constellations are of the passed on and I saw the constellation of the spirit who simply disappeared.
I lost it, and then I looked back, and for the first time in my life, I saw my dad crying. I asked him what got him, and he answered "She reminded me a lot of Dudu." Dudu is the Bangladeshi name for grandma, so in short, the character that had just passed on reminded him of his mom.
We had a half hour long talk about death. My Kaka, grandma on my mother's side hardly remembers me and my cousins. She's completely forgotten what my mother looks like. Her own daughter. She remembers us, but she's. 80 this September.
My Dudu is sick. She's so sick. My grandpa is dying of dietary diseases. I've been so, so lucky to not have experienced loss yet. But it's coming, I know it is.
I've been a horrible granddaughter. This game made me want to change that.
I find this game to be a preview of it for me. I learn so much about these characters, about people. We experience things together, hurt together, live together. And then they have to go.
But. Sometimes it's sudden. It's all amazing, it's wonderful. And then they're gone I just.
There are so many people in my life on the verge of it. My grandparents, all four of my grandparents are so old, and they live such full lives and. It's at the point where it feels cruel to wish them to live forever. My parents are almost 50. My cats are.. they're babies but if I make it to 30, what's the chance they'll still be with me? I do everything I can, but I'm always terrified it won't be enough to stop the hurt of my friends. I'm terrified I won't be able to keep them from. From leaving too soon.
One day, my parents will die. They'll really be gone from this Earth.
One day I'll die and I can only pray someone will grieve me as I'll grieve my loved ones. But..
Death, not of me but of them, is my biggest fear. Because I want, have to, and am supposed to fix. Everything. I'll never be able to stop death.
If you've actually read this, when I tell you I love you, even in the silliest moments I need you to know it's never a saying. It's how I feel, it's how I beg you to know I feel.
I love you guys. So. So much. And I know everyone has to leave eventually, I fucking know. And if that time comes sooner than it should, I won't ever stop loving them.
