So I was initially going to respond to the previous thing, but this felt more important to me. You do not need to stress about updating. I know it's hard not to (I've dabbled in writing myself), because of not wanting to disappoint the readers among other things, and I know I'm sort of speaking for everyone when I say this, but we don't really mind if it takes longer or whatever. 1/4
:”) This whole post is gonna be me just sobbing and being very incoherent but bear with me pls haha, and about updating? yeah I do worry a lottt. Probably more than I should? I just..I have a hard time with disappointing people. I am a people pleaser and I don't yet know if that’s a good thing for me or not, but I will bend over backwards to make sure people around me are happy, and comfortable and just okay. (and omgie! you have written too? That’s amazing!! haha just when i thought i couldn’t feel closer to you) so yeah...I guess I do feel pressure haha
ETMY has been...insanely hard for me to write. The poll is yes why I am pushing myself to write it before any other story (you caught me starry, you bright bean) but I just...can’t? and that frustrates me to no end because I genuinely love that story and I want to write it just as much as people want to read it but all I do is open the next chapter’s doc, stare at it, type a few words, hate them and then close it again and stop writing it altogether. it’s this awful cycle I am stuck in, and every day of me not updating it just makes me feel guiltier? which is stupiddd because it’s just a fic and it’s not like I am getting paid for it or anything. (i dont do kofi or patreon) So THIS means everything. Like I cannot even put into words how much hearing this from someone who reads my stories means to me...its almost like having a bit of weight lift off of my shoulders and I..just...Thank you.
:”) I love you. I genuinely GENUINELY love you. I know it seems impossible because I don’t even know what your name is, but I feel like I know who you are? and that person? I am in love with her. If there was one thing I needed to hear, this was it. In some ways the pressure of updating and being “good” enough has killed my inspiration and well my life has been...hectic, for a lack of a better word haha. I v been sick for more than a month (got sick a week before my exam & gave my test with a fever and cough and yeah...stuff) and well having my physical health give up on me when I already wasn’t doing the best mentally just made me spiral more out of control. I’ve always suffered from nightmares but recently it has become...well...worse. I haven’t been able to sleep without waking up crying in idk weeks? (yeeesh, my brain really hates me lol) There have been days where I have absolutely hated myself and wanted to crawl out of my skin, so when I couldn’t even write, it just...it didn’t help.
OMGIE Aahahaha :”D STARRYYY I LOVEE YOUUUU!!! Hahah, my ranger, my badass adorably scary starry, GOSH! I LOVE YOU, HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE? COZ LIKE..I LOVE YOU!! I will re-read these asks a lot :”) This helped me. I know it sounds stupid but because all I aim for most of the times is to make others around me happy and proud, hearing these words from someone I love and want to make happy & proud...well it’s a lot. it’s everything really. I have a hard time opening up to people in real life and this blog is like my escape from reality, my own lill safe haven. So just Thank you. I am beyond grateful for your presence, for your love, for your support, for these reassurances, for your adorable cat stories and well the list goes on.
Wow. I actually...had a productive day? I mean... I think I had genuinely forgotten what it felt like to achieve all your goals for a day without having an emotional breakdown
my big bro professor (he’s like 30) just emailed me personally to thank me for diffusing something in class earlier “with intelligence and calmness” and he referred to me by my chosen name and my gendered adjectives in spanish. i guess god was looking down at me tonight and decided i was having enough huh
