Insecurities
I am sorry that I have not been active lately; I have just had a lot to do with school and extra curricular activities that I don’t have time to do everything I once was able too. However, I felt that I needed to clear my head and so I headed back to where it all started, and I decided to write. I am pretty sure I have mentioned this many times before, but writing allows me to express all my feelings that I can never seem to talk about or say out loud. I am not sure why it is so hard to speak simple words, words that we use every day, but writing seems like a way around having to physically say the word out loud. Anyways, I am just going to clear my head and talk about things in my life that I have noticed.
Recently, someone entered my life, and he filled a space in my life that was vacated. This person is one of the most important friends I have ever made in my life, and I look up to him so much. He is my big brother in my fraternity. Over the past couple of weeks, I have been privileged to get to know him better and bond with him as a big/little pairing. He is my best friend and I look up to him immensely. However, we should never idolize these type of role models in our life because then if we ever feel like we cannot measure up to their standards, it gives you a feeling of inadequacy. I know that he would never judge me and that he will give me unconditional support, however, I feel like I cannot keep up with him and my own feelings of being insecure create a strong sense of inadequacy in my head. Once this one thought is in my mind it takes a long time for me to get over it. My own insecure feelings always battle my own happiness and I have not quite yet found the correct balance. It is not okay to be insecure because we should all love ourselves, for who we are, but I can never see that in myself and I see being insecure as one more thing I have to fix about myself. I have a really strong gut feeling that he does not find me inadequate at all, but no matter how many times people tell me they love me, or that I am cool, or wonderful, I can never accept their words because I do not believe it. In Perks of Being a Wallflower, on of the most memorable lines states that “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Okay, blah, blah, blah how cheesy could this line be, but at the same time how true can this one line be. The love that I receive from other people is something I can never believe and it is because I cannot find a balance of loving myself for who I am and wanting to change everything about myself. I cannot accept any love because I honestly do not like who I am, at all, and once this thought pops into my mind, I get overwhelmed and cannot handle being around people. It sucks, it is one of the worst feelings to ever think about, but it happens and there is no denying that it does. And when I think about how to change myself, I compare myself to other people, specifically the people I look up to in my life because they have key attributes I wished I had myself. Your own insecurities can be the hardest thing to overcome but we all face our own battles and struggles and that is why life is not easy.
However, we should not compare ourselves to other people constantly because that just hinders your own happiness. Seeing my big in his element made me envious and I couldn’t handle being in that situation, so I removed myself from the situation. But I am never going to be that type of person and that is okay. However, having feelings of envy is never going to allow yourself to be happy in your own skin and be satisfied with the person you are growing to be. It is okay to be different human beings, and act different ways, and have different opinions, but accepting those differences is a challenging feat. He told me something that most people need to hear; you shouldn’t accept other people… you should accept the idea that they are different from you but you should always treat them with respect and dignity because they are human just like you. We are all human, but we are all different in personality, features, and opinions. And that is one hundred percent okay. I guess seeing him find something he is looking for so quickly and easily made me realize that I am still lost and still figuring myself out. It comes easier to other people and that is what is hard for me to accept. It all relates back to our own insecurities and self-confidence. In this case, I have too many insecurities and not enough self-confidence, and I consistently get inside my own head to the point where I get sad or just need to be alone. Learning to love who you are and not base your happiness on the envy of other people is a challenging battle but it can always be accomplished. Believing in your own skills and abilities is the first step towards this goal.
