#thisbonelessone

[thisbonelessone]

What if the one that got away came back?

[thisbonelessone]

I haven't been very active on tumblr lately but I have just moved to a new city and I don't have internet at my place just yet.  But life has been amazing to me.  I am working with my doctors and my medication so my mental state has been great, worked out what was wrong with my brain and now I can finally understand my erratic behaviors. 

I've also been sober for over a month from alcohol and drugs, it hasn't been easy but I've been attending a day treatment center.  I've learned so much from it already.

I'm making great friends and I already have a close circle of friends and I've never had that for such a  long time, not since I lived in Vancouver a few years ago.They like me for me and I am finding that I am a good person to be around, I am starting to like myself, I've never been able to say that before too. 

As for the dating scene, I'm staying away and this has been the longest time I've been single for the first time in years and it's only been like 2 months?  Of course I still miss my ex but you can't just erase 5 years of love in that short amount of time so I'm going to give myself a bit of time before I jump into anything although I'm incredibly sexually frustrated but such is life.

**

I honestly didn't think my life can be this amazing, I was just so unhappy for so long that I didn't think it could be possible. 

I am just happy. 

[thisbonelessone]

I gave up alcohol and drugs for the past three weeks, well, i did drink alcohol like twice but not my usual "drinking by myself till I blacked out state" it was just with my sister.

But I am going to try my best to stay sober because frankly, i'm getting tired of that lifestyle of alcohol and drugs and partying and being so sick you can't move. 

So that's new in my life. 

[thisbonelessone]

Sunshine, Sunshine

You left and took my sunshine with you, hidden in your mouth like a lullaby tipping at the edge of your tongue.  I stood there in a daze underneath the orange light oozing from the street lamp, blinking, not understanding what just happened.

One moment I was warm and the next I was cold.

[thisbonelessone]

It's been a weird, exciting day for once.

Weird 24 hours.

First, my boyfriend comes back from work but he slept all day because he is used to working nightshifts, it'll be a few days before he is awake during daylight. 

Second, my cousin confesses his love for me on faceboook and wants us to date....I ain't into incest and had to let him down gently...

Thirdly, Seen my ex at the store while I was looking fucking hot and we made small talk but I sashayed away feeling great.

Fourthly, Going to the pub with my sister for the first time in ages, getting ready while listening to 90's music, 

It's been a weird, exciting day but I'm happy for it, I actually got out and did something.  I've been having a bad few weeks lately but it almost seems worth it for this one day.  

[thisbonelessone]

You stitched my mouth together with piano wires,

leaving a bitter lullaby across my lips. 

[thisbonelessone]

I am no longer a fertile land with exuberant blossoms growing, I have transformed into a volcanic land full of ash and darkness.  The days of eternal sunshine has been shadowed by black charcoal rain, I feel as if I am in ruins and all of the beauty I once possessed has turned to dust.

 This has been brought on by a passion too hot to handle, too raw on my aching heart and a desperation that drove me insane by a love I never knew before.

[thisbonelessone]

My love of horror has kept me at the bay of society, I watched the people pass the streets, watched them as if they were in a black and white movie. I could see them but not hear them. I couldn't reach out to touch those silver screen beauties.  I started to read and write horror from my adolescent years spent in a damp basement which I lovingly called my dungeon. I found that the demons gave me something more than reality gave to me on my grandmother's good china. In the park behind my dungeon, I would sit on a bench at night and read the cult horror books made by Edgar Allen Poe or H.P Lovecraft or Phillip K.Dick. I would let the shadows lick at my bones and make anxiety the norm for a couple of hours. As I grew older and started to venture out into that sunshine world, the men and women would sprawl out onto my red silk bed after drinking some wine.  They would look at me with lustful eyes and extended their arms as if to invite me into their world but I always declined. I had no interest in tumbling into a world that I didn't understand; I didn't want to find love since I couldn't find a reason in being a hopeless romantic. Yet a man came to stay with me for a couple of years.  He said that he loved me but I told him that I must be a sociopath since I didn't know how to comfortably love another human.  The only thing I was ever passionate about was the gruesome fiends of the Cimmerian shade.    He tried to hold onto me at night, utter soft low sounds in my hair, entangled his limbs around my body like a contortionist. I would bite his neck, kick his limbs off me and turn over to sleep in the corner of the bed. I never embraced him the way he wanted me to.  When he kissed me and tried to capture me in a blissful moment,  I would let my fingers move into his devil curly hair and tear him away from my face, I was so cruel but that is my nature. I think he liked my abusive personality since it was really the only emotion that I would show him. He laughed and questioned if I was asexual since I had no desire for the physical pleasures. He admitted that he first thought that I was a lesbian by the way I would cringe when he would breathe into me.  But that belief was thrown into the sea as he seen a drunken woman kiss me one time at a party and I pulled away from her in the same fashion.   He loved me. He thought that he could save me from the dark headspace that I have created through the bad years of childhood. He thought that writing about fear was a sign of pathology but I couldn't be saved since horror became my anchorage and I would never move away from it. I told him that love was never enough. After a few years of this warped relationship, he broke down one day and cried into my lap, he told me that he couldn't take this heartache anymore. I didn't mind or cry about this since I was sure that I didn't love him in the first place even though I tried a number of times.  Although I felt bad afterwards because he was probably the only person that wanted to get close to me and I just couldn't accept it.  I let him go back into the society where he belonged. Yet I never knew that it was him who kept the nightmares away. I started to dream that a man with extending horns that twisted like corkscrew willows would chase me through the neon alleys and I would scream till my lungs would burst and my heart pumped batter acid.  As odd as this may seem, I liked it. It was my fantasy, just being able to scream and not have the neighbours rush to your aid.   A few weeks after the nightmares started, they started to leak from my mind to become a physical manifestation as strange things started to happen to me in my daytime hours.  I would pace my house for the days when the pipe drains rattled even though the plumber said that there was nothing wrong with the basement. Everything I thought was safe turned into something dark but I enjoyed that unsettling feeling that kept me on my toes.  I was comfortable in that environment where the dishes fell and tables overturned, I would find them to have a hidden melody in that tinkling sound and sudden banging.  I couldn't tear myself from that haunted ambience so I became a prisoner of my own mind. I started to feel him touch my face with an invisible force and he whispered in my ear to tell me the truth about the universe in a strange language that is impossible to describe.  He slept on my chest, turned my bones into dust and I would become feather light.  I never seen him in my waking hours but I felt him watching me from the corners.  I started to long for him and I wished to see him more then anything. I became restless, I refused to eat and general hygiene went out the door as I sat in the darkness of my house, just lingering around the house like a ghost looking for her dead lover. One night, I was sitting on my couch before I heard something, they sounded like hooves bending my hardwood floor.  I looked up and seen my demon lover. He grabbed my neck, thrusted my face towards him with his sharp needled hand and kissed me roughly, and that was the moment I felt love for the first time.  I scratched his back as I didn't know how to be affectionate and pain was all I knew. Without a word, he pulled me from my temporary flesh and bones, and I left a shell on the couch where it would rot for ages as I never had visitors. I held onto his death cold hands with skeleton fingers and he took me into the darkness. I didn't expect hell to be so beautiful.