Today was a bad day. Scott lost his job so now we’re in a health insurance bind. We can’t afford cobra. It’s 2k per month. I barely make 4K per month so the cobra premium and our mortgage would take my entire salary. And Bash has surgery coming up in July. It’s not enough time to get another insurance company to cover it. And the surgery is a million dollars. It feels like an impossible situation. Everyone I talk to says stay on cobra but they don’t seem to understand that we can’t afford cobra. I don’t know what to do.
And today it’s really hitting me that if Bash doesn’t get surgery he could die. Even if he does he could die. He’s barely even lived yet. I think about myself being 15 and buying my first CD (Taylor Swift) because Teardrops on my Guitar resonated with me so much. I was in love with one of my best friends and he had no idea I existed in any capacity besides a friend. Bash hasn’t experienced that yet.
Bash is 2 next month. On May 31st. It’s funny, my wedding anniversary is May 30th. I spent my 3rd wedding anniversary in labor and the boys arrived 5 minutes into the next day. If Bash dies he won’t have a wedding anniversary. I won’t get to see him get married. I won’t get to see him graduate high school or go to college or get a job or fall in love or get his heartbroken or have kids. I may not ever even get to see him “graduate” from kindergarten. And Auggie, Auggie already carries so much. He’s a toddler and he’s terrified every time one of Bash’s life support machines alarms. I try so hard to protect him from it but there’s only so much I can do. Will he have to grow up a twin without a twin? I just can’t even process that thought, Auggie growing up a twin without a twin. It’s heart breaking. I’m a mess.