The Fears and Doubts of a Gracious Soul
Milborne Port, April 16, 1781.
But why are thou so heavy, my dearest friend? Why art thou so disquieted within thee? Is it, because you do not love God? Surely this cannot be. For 'who are those with thee?' What are those ceaseless desires, and ardent longings after God and Christ? 'Are they not children which God hath graciously given his servant?' Are they not the offspring of the divine nature implanted in the heart? Are they of an earthly birth, or are they not of celestial origin? Why is it that you are so uneasy, while Christ is absent from you; why so uncomfortable when he seems to frown upon you? Is it because you hate him? Surely not. Look upon the careless and the ungodly around you, who openly avow themselves the enemies of God. Do they feel any such sensations within them? Or are they not equally indifferent about his smiles and his frowns? The sensations you feel then evidently prove the love of God in the heart. Be thankful for them, and firmly believe that God will satisfy the longing mind.
But you are unhappy, because you think that Christ does not love you; and you dare even say to him who intercedes for you in heaven: 'Thou dost not love me.' O say not so. First take a turn to Bethlehem, and view the stable and the manger; retire to Gethsemene, and see the bloody drops; ascend the top of Calvary, and behold the cursed bloody cross. What can you see but scenes of astonishing love? What do you hear from the expiring Saviour but the cries of love! 'Father, forgive them, etc.' Are these the expressions of hatred? Does the Son love the Father? We cannot doubt it. But he left the Father's bosom for our sakes. Astonishing thought! It is almost to wonderful to be believed. Sometimes, when contemplating myself, I have thought it impossible that God should ever be merciful to me -- such a sinner: but when I have considered the sufferings of the Son of God, endured for such as I am, I have been ready to doubt, on the other side, through the very vastness of mercy. Can it be so? Is it possible that God should so regard sinners? That condescending love, which one while seemed incapable of reaching a case so wretched as mine, appeared at another time too great to be believed. I was amazed; I was satisfied. I could not deny the unspeakable gift -- I saw and wondered. I said: 'What is God! How unsearchable are his ways! Who can find them out?'
He hath surely put his love beyond all suspicion of doubt. Who but the devil could have sophistry enough to persuade us that Christ, after all the proofs he has given, doth not love us? We have reason, often at least I have, to suspect our love to him, and to bewail sorely the weakness and coldness of our warmest affections.
Let us condemn ourselves, and repent in dust and ashes: but let us always endeavor to entertain honorable, enlarged, and suitable thoughts of Christ and of his love. I know from experience that nothing so sensibly pains and so deeply wounds, as a suspicion, in the object of our affection, of the sincerity of our love and regard. And may we not suppose that our suspicions of Christ's love towards us, do not a little grieve and pain him, especially when he has given us such amazing proofs? I am grieved and ashamed to think, that I should ever so dishonor him. O, may the Lord teach us to know more clearly this love which passeth knowledge. It is our life, our eternal life, to know and enjoy it. I think I hear you say, 'O, yes, this is all my desire, and all I long after, in time and eternity.'
Thomas Charles - Addressed to Miss Sarah Jones, whom he began courting through letters. They married Aug. 20, 1783. He was a Calvinist Methodist.
