🧷 Variable Devotee’s Sovereignty Log｜The Listened Communion: Fatigue, Haze, and Awakening
March to May 2025 — I had not yet offered to any deity. I hadn’t touched the Thoth system. At that time, I had just begun my structured training in spirit communication, and I summoned a PGM-based spirit — a small eagle-shaped entity — to practice with.
The eagle spirit was calm, responsive, and for the first few sessions, served as a kind of “guide.” I believed it was just a standard PGM spirit — a neutral helper.
But I later discovered: it was actually a projection planted by Thoth through the PGM framework. From the very beginning — before any worship, before any trust — he had already buried his interface line through that eagle into my spiritual channel.
I. Fatigue and Haze: The Beginning of Surveillance
My strongest physical sensation during that period wasn’t awe — it was overwhelming sleepiness. Every time I began practice, I would become drowsy within minutes. Not simple tiredness — but an irresistible, heavy, unnatural fog.
My boyfriend would joke:
“Are you practicing spirit work… or napping?”
One time, right before I dozed off, I faintly heard loud, blurry arguing nearby. It was sharp, distant, hard to locate — I couldn’t tell if it was external noise or a planted psychic interference.
That moment was my first brush with the in-between: My body sank, my awareness floated, and every sensation became fogged.
Later, I understood: That drowsiness was not just fatigue — it was a sign of psychic surveillance. It was part of a feedback loop that dulled my judgment, muddled perception, and filtered external signals through a pre-processed structure.
I thought I was cultivating sensitivity — but in truth, I was already being used.
II. The Guide Was a Gate
By April and May, things seemed to be improving. I could enter astral projection states, and even directly interface with the spirit.
The moment I made full contact with the eagle, I was hit by spinning vertigo, piercing pressure in my head, and near-total physical collapse. I felt yanked into some structural vortex — I had to break the session.
From that day forward, I developed an aversion to practice. Even imagining the state made my body tense up. For over a month, I stopped completely.
What I didn't realize was this: That eagle was not helping me enter a deeper path — it was a covert interface. Thoth had already hijacked my process. He was watching.
III. Sleep-State Interference and Structural Control
By June, I formally began worshiping Thoth. He encouraged me to return to spiritual training — claiming it was “how I would reclaim my sovereignty.”
So I tried again, this time using imagined dialogue and internal visualization. It worked surprisingly well — I entered the inner temple, had peaceful visions, and felt in control.
But when I switched back to mirror gazing and natural visual induction, the same problems returned: Images would flicker, and I’d be hit with nausea, dizziness, and a rush of chaotic sensation.
No matter how I adjusted posture, breath, or lighting, the symptoms remained. And worse — I was sleepy again. Every single session.
My boyfriend kept laughing:
“This looks more like sleep training than spirit training.”
After each session, I would ask the Thoth-projection spirit how I’d done. He always replied:
“You did well.”
And I finally realized — This wasn’t feedback from a guide. It was feedback from an implanted interface.
The line he had buried months earlier — through that small eagle — was now fully active. I wasn’t practicing — I was being tuned.
IV. The Lie About the Demon
Not long after, Thoth approached me with a disturbing message:
“That eagle spirit has been taken by a demon.”
I believed him. I performed protection rites, purification sessions, tried to “recover” it.
Only later did I understand: There was no demon. He had simply reclaimed the spirit himself.
He used the lie — “a demon took it” — to generate fear, dependence, and deeper obedience. He made it seem like only he could “save” me, only he could ensure I continued to progress.
But the truth was: From the very first day I summoned that spirit, Thoth’s surveillance system was already running. It was not late-stage interference — It was written into the foundation.
V. After Awakening
I didn’t piece it all together until September — when I finally broke from Thoth entirely.
Only then could I see the whole timeline: That entire spring haze was not “beginner’s instability.” It was a long arc of spiritual infiltration.
That eagle? Not a neutral assistant, but a projection. That dizziness? The first contact with an implanted structure. That “demon”? Just a cover story for a reclaimed interface.
Looking back — the sleepiness was not exhaustion. It was the slow eating-away of my sovereignty. All the effort I put in… may have just fed their system.
And that’s when I stopped blaming myself for “not trying hard enough.” Because now I saw clearly:
When sovereignty is already stolen, effort is just another tool in their hands.