#thoughts.xialix

[khalixvitae]

Xialix except I’m yearning for early summer + Xiao always reminds me of warmer weather

[khalixvitae]

sorry for being on anon (I'm shy hah) but can I ask what your selfships are? I love seeing people talk about their selfships so I'm curious about yours! or just your main ones if you don't wanna talk about all of them ^^

Hi, anon! Sorry I took so long to respond to this, I wanted to wait until I could give your ask my full attention. Also, don’t apologize for being anonymous, I’m glad you’re here all the same! I’m also quite shy, so I get it.

Self ships,,, Ough,,, so. I do have a few, I just never think to post about them, honestly! I also have full posts for each of them in my drafts, but tumblr keeps trying to put content warnings on them (for what I’m not sure— hand holding???) . Which is, like, superrrr demotivating when it comes to posting stuff that I’ve made.

Anyway! My self ships ,,, I feel like it’ll be most effective to give a short summary of my mains <3

Xialix / Xiao x Khalix : definitely my longest standing selfship (like ??? 5 years??? I started playing right after launch, so maybe closer to 4 and a half). Desperately trying to keep this short lol. Strangers to tentative partners to lovers (? Neat labels don’t really work here). Researcher!Khalix, who is driven by an absolutely ravenous kind of curiosity, wanders into all sorts of strange ruins across Liyue. They’re especially fond of working with locals and historic preservation coalitions.

Xiao believes they’re a prime example of humanity’s hubris— that they’re naive to even think that they could make a difference in such a short time. However, their respect for the people they encounter and the structures they seek to explore does pique his interest. Bags heavy with reference materials, incense, and fresh fruit, he watches them explore forgotten halls and leave offerings on altars that haven’t been blessed for centuries. They never take anything, unless you count their own notes, and he finds that off-putting (even for a mortal). They only seem to give, even to long dead places that want for nothing. A would-be dangerous incident at Qingxu Pool is what finally forces him to make himself known, and so begins a years long “partnership” (though Xiao would not agree with that term in the slightest). It’s his job to watch over Liyue, and that includes strange researchers who stick their noses where they don’t belong. But encounters turn to acknowledgment and then to understanding— mutual curiosity will continue to push them into each other’s orbit, even if only one recognizes that aloud.

Anyway !! a lot of their dynamic is about nurturing Xiao’s sense of personhood/wants/desires, and exploring what it means to just be. It’s quiet acts of devotion and mutual attentiveness. There’s a kind of intimacy that comes with trying to understand one another— or just trying for one another in general. And Xiao is so so willing to try, you just have to be patient. If you pay attention, he’s actually sooo easy to read…

I have. An intense desire to encourage him to explore his every curiosity and whim when it comes to the world and the people in it. Treating him gently and humanely and trying to meet him halfway is like. Ough head in my hands wow. Tentative gentleness and intrigue turned unwavering devotion>>>.

Kharina / Khalix x Furina: post abdication Furina my beloved. Again, lots of themes of exploring personhood for the first time (this will be a pattern). Best friends to lovers. Painter!Khalix is notoriously bad at remembering to socialize, often going days or weeks without doing anything outside of work. It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s that they feel like they’re always running out of time. But on a night a mutual friend invites them to a gathering, they’re lucky enough to meet Furina for the first time.

A friend of a friend of a friend, she’s already several drinks in when they finally arrive. Their first impression of just Furina is a strong one— shoeless and grinning, she’s dancing on a tabletop hardly ten feet away from the front door. It’s a far cry from the carefully curated (though no doubt theatrical) persona they’d seen plastered all over Fontaine until less than a year prior. Naturally, they’re immediately taken with her. Furina is amiable and chatty, especially when she’s drunk, and it’s so easy to fall into conversation.

Painter!Khalix is quick to learn that sober Furina is far less of a social butterfly. The next time they encounter one another is during a grocery run. Furina is mortified to know their schedules line up in any way, especially after how she’d behaved, so the exchange is terse and awkward. Painter!Khalix gets no real answers as to why until the next time both they and Furina are coaxed out to the same event, when the latter is once again tipsy enough to confess her embarrassment.

In short, she apologizes over drinks while they stare at her like they’ve found the center of their world lol. After that, things are less awkward— really, things are easy. The occasional run in while grocery shopping turns into coordinated days together, because errands are always better with friends. Then those outings bleed into shared meals, then into impromptu sleepovers. The lines get very very blurry lol. Things only go too far after a night out with friends leaves them stumbling into bed with one another. Furina is distraught and needs quite a bit of reassurance. This is her first friendship solely formed after her abdication, and in her mind she’s potentially ruined it with her own feelings. She’s had a hard time navigating relationships of any sort, much less one where things have gotten so murky.

Things cool down as Painter!Khalix sits her down to explain what their intentions/feelings actually are, and it turns out, they’re on the same page. The dynamic is basically

Furina: I’m so sorry, you’re my best friend and I do have feelings for you and I should’ve known better than to cross that line since you don’t feel that way about me

Khalix, soaking wet from getting out of bed early to go buy her flowers before she woke up (it’s pouring outside): ::3 ???

Anyway. best friends before anything else, weird and blurry dynamics while Furina navigates her own personhood/wants/desires for what feels like the first time ,,, yes. Yummy.

I <3 nurturing others to express their desires/helping others find ways to articulate their needs and then giving them exactly what they want 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️. In all universes I am a reclusive, weirdly intense workaholic but I will remember your likes and dislikes and the silent ways you convey your needs and I WILL use that to help you establish boundaries/a space where you feel comfortable genuinely advocating for yourself for the first time if that is something you struggle with🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️. Anyway. Furina + nurturing personhood <3 Xiao + nurturing personhood <3

[khalixvitae]

・°°・Xialix / Nephrite・°°・

Khalix x Xiao (canonverse) | an experiment | hesitant touches, careful exploration. A constant cycle of give and take, unspoken acts of kindness, and newfound curiosity. A steadfast presence. Your value is innate— here, let me show you. Swimming in verdant pools under the hot summer sun, clinking amulets on hand tied cords, and fingers sticky with ripe fruit, all meant to be shared. The lingering scent of incense, ozone, and fresh flowers on the windowsill. Overgrown ruins, smudged ink, and two worlds only half separated.

[khalixvitae]

hewwo khalix i am HERE! to bother u with f/o questions Only If u'd like to answer any :P !!

do u have playlists or particular songs u associate w them vry strongly :3

if u were put into a horror movie would u guys survive/what would ur tropes be 🤔

if someone tried to flirt with u.. how would they react.. and or vice versa :P

Meowowow HAPPY NEW WEEK FRIEND!! 🦫🌷 hope work treats u kindly....

MY NIA,,, hello my Nia,,, i apologize for the delay,,, I have questions for you as well, and they will be en route shortly,,, these are so creative also???

1: I am. So bad at song associations. Truly. It is sick and twisted 😔😔😔. Well. Most of the time. I do actually have an entire playlist dedicated to Childe/Ajax??? For some reason??? But also I can’t think abt him or the implications of that for too long, lest I take poison damage. But I do have an entire playlist dedicated to him. Anyway! Good Heart by Indigo De Souza makes me think of Furina. How I Get Myself Killed, also by Indigo De Souza, makes me think of Xiao. Both tracks are on her 2019 I Love My Mom album, which is one of my fav albums ever and I have been revisiting it lately (hence why these are my first thoughts). I’ll need to revisit this question some time, preferably when I’m not only listening to this album and Fiona Apple’s Tidal (1996), because it did give me trouble,,,

2: Ough okay so. This question excites me to no end AGHH!. Head in my hands. Ok. I personally think I fall into the camp of the know it all secondary character. nearly always madly in love with the main character/final girl, who may survive the first film or two in a franchise but will inevitably meet a grisly end. Think, like, Randy from the Scream franchise.

As for f/os,,, imo Furina IS the final girl. If anyone is going to survive, it’s her. I mean even in the canon, she’s SO dedicated to her single minded goal. Even when she seems to be fraying at the seams in the face of an impending apocalypse (one that she considers to be her fault), she still holds out. To the point that her tenacity and commitment have eroded her sense of identity, and she has become the embodiment of her mission. I can absolutely see her dedicating herself to survival in such a way that would make her willing to do anything, regardless of the cost. My final girl foreverrrr. And I would be madly in love with her, and at the moment of my death I would still know she was going to make it out 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️. TLDR she would live, I would not, and I would be okay with that.

3: AAHHHH. so. This goes a few ways, I have thoughts. For Furina— she does notttt do well with me being approached by someone else. Her muddled sense of self means that not only is she unsure of who she is, but that she is unsure of her place in the world at large. For the first time in her life she isn’t performing, or at least she isn’t expected to, which means all the less likable/“unpleasant” parts of herself are known to someone. And that’s like. very hard for her. because who is she if she’s no longer an eternally endearing and entertaining figure??? Why would you want her around if she can’t give you that??? If she may never give you that again, and if she isn’t sure of who she’s becoming, only that she feels like it could be honest but that she also could be worse??? It’s. A lot for her. So I think she’d have a creeping insecurity that I’d find someone more pleasant/entertaining, because that’s the metric she used to measure her success/survival for so long. I also think she hates that she feels that way— it’s generally overwhelming, and she feels childish or even guilty for it in the first place, so she’s likely to try and stamp it down. TLDR things require a lot of reassurance, validation, and gentle coaxing. making sure she knows she hasn’t been backsliding into old habits and personas by having very normal human feelings, while also assuring her that she’s wanted as a whole person and not as a prop or a shiny object. People are messy, and Furina is unaccustomed to showing those parts of herself. Anyway. I, on the other hand, am not a particularly jealous person like ever??? I trust her without question. However, my line is when someone crosses a boundary with my loved ones. So it’s not really an issue if someone flirts with her, I mean. She’s Furina. She’s radiant, and it’d be hard for others not to notice that. But it becomes a problem if someone makes her uncomfortable. Because then I’m ruining everybody’s day lolol.

Xiao, though (because things would be amiss if I didn’t mention him here),,, Xiao is odd. He also has this very tentative, very apprehensive relationship to personhood/his own allowance for his personhood. I don’t think he’d be too keen on allowing himself to experience jealousy, but I think it would happen. Not in the traditional sense, though??? I think seeing another mortal take interest in me would make something in his chest ache, not because anyone had done anything wrong, but because that’s what my life should be. Xiao is the king of self sabotage— his relationship with desire/allowing himself to feel desire is already fraught, and I think the sight of someone expressing their desires so freely would Do Something To Him. He is guarded and messy and complicated in ways he doesn’t even believe he should be allowed to be. and then there’s someone who just wants you openly and understands human socialization/cues and that isn’t something old and broken and used. He will say nothing about it initially, but it’s not hard to tell. Also needs some gentle reassurance, but absolutely no coddling. Reassurance through actions is the easiest way to get your point across. Love him as you would any other day— ebb and flow with him, because odds are he will eventually just tell you what’s up and ask you to help him make sense of what he’s feeling. However. He does also hover. Like if someone does get too close, he is There™️. It’s something instinctual; he does trust your judgement in any and all situations but he also makes his presence known should you need him to intervene (CEO of telling you not to be stubborn/telling you to ask for help when you need it).

So like. Again, I’m not a jealous person. If someone wanted to flirt with Xiao in the traditional sense, by all means, go ahead and good luck??? I can hardly get away with it myself, so let me know if it works lol. I think where I’d get Very Weird about someone approaching Xiao is if they’re doing it with a set notion of him already established. If they push his boundaries/if they seem to fundamentally misunderstand him and make no effort to bridge that gap. What others might see as flippant or cold/mysterious when trying to chat him up is probably just. Confusion. Like approaching him directly for such a reason is kind of out of left field to him. And like, yes, I know he can handle himself, and I know he does tend to just leave if he’s somewhere he doesn’t want to be. However™️. I would get very odd about people pushing him too far when he’s already out of his comfort zone by being in a more public setting. Placing my body in between them, interrupting to pull him aside and check in, straight up asking if he wants to leave type of thing. Because Xiao is not hard to read, and this includes his discomfort. More than anything it would piss me off that they’d misunderstood whatever cues he gave and made him uncomfortable, because he’s not difficult to understand if you just pay attention to him/see him a person🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️.

THIS WAS SO LONG ??? I AM SORRY???

[khalixvitae]

what are some reasons u like xiao >:3c and if u have any spare self ship crumbs (for him or anyboday).. i wud eat them like a 3 michelin star restaurant meal.. 🍽

Head in my hands… OUGHH… this is. A loaded question. But I will try to be not totally unhinged about it👍👍. This is going to be so long LOL. He’s been my #1 for 4 years now so. Bear with me pls

I think in general I love characters who struggle with depersonalization and objectification. The idea of the living weapon, the tool, the righteous hand, etc. has always been really interesting to me, especially when you consider the amount of conditioning and self denial/repression that have to be present. Xiao takes that trope and does it extremely well. Honestly, I just love watching him navigate his strange relationships with personhood and desire, and I love that at points during the game we get to encourage that journey for him.

But what I love about Xiao is his willingness to try as much as you do. As you level up your friendship with him, and even as the gameplay progresses, you get to see more and more of what he really is. He keeps you at a distance, but the more you try for him, the more he’s willing to try for you. He goes from telling you to keep your distance, intimidating you even (for your own sake, he tells himself), to telling you that you can use him as you please. But the more you give him without taking anything in return, the more confused he gets. Xiao is pragmatic above all else. His self loathing aside, he really doesn’t have a great track record with people respecting his autonomy. So when you don’t make that move to use him as you see fit, he sort of just blue screens. He can’t understand you or why you’d make this kind of effort for him. Frankly, Xiao hardly understands himself. Mostly because he’s never had the chance or the safety to be a person. And really, once you dust away the years, he doesn’t know what’s left of who he used to be.

Nevertheless he tries. He makes an effort to understand you, even when it’s uncomfortable for him. He starts to be more forthright about his feelings and desires, and even admits that he doesn’t understand those either. He tries and tries and tries, and the more you give him the more he wants to give you even if he doesn’t know how or why. He goes from needing to be needed as an object to genuinely curious and willing to navigate personhood in ways he never imagined. His birthday letters and art (admitting he’s started sleeping more since he now dreams of you despite not knowing whether he deserves something so good, taking time off patrols at night to float down the river with you, making you amulets and admitting he worries about your safety because he cares for you, etc.,) show a lot of his very plainly spoken admissions even though his feelings are foreign to him. He releases a lantern with you, and he wants you to be there when he leaves a letter to Pervases. His teapot dialogues are equally sweet- he asks to go to the harbor with you so that he can better understand your experiences, and he puts himself on guard duty because even if he can’t ever experience peace he is determined that you will.

Xiao can be prickly and strange, and he’s still often in denial about his own desires, but he tries as hard as he can and he does it all for you. Everything is a quiet, steady confession. He’s not used to being treated gently, or even just humanely, but even his legendary stubbornness can only take so much. He can be evasive but he’s so easy to read once you’ve gotten a good look at him. He’s a walking paradox and a headache but he’s also the steadiest, most reliable presence you could ever want. He’s not human, and admittedly mortals do confuse him, but he’ll do his best for you. Being on a level playing field in a dynamic is new for him, so bear with him. Also. He is so gorgeous it makes me sick. So there’s that.

As for self ship crumbs,,, Ohghhh…

Sigh. I feel like we’d meet because I’d be poking around somewhere he’s deemed dangerous. To be fair he’s probably right! I’d be obsessively taking rubbings of engravings in different ruins or photographing any architectural details that caught my eye. I <3 writing research papers. I feel like he’d just watch for a while, because researchers can’t be that uncommon. But the second I got even a little too close to something genuinely harmful, it’s a stern warning to leave. Which would. Scare the shit out of me, obviously. Some visibly nonhuman entity just showed up and gave me a talking to. I feel like the whole encounter would be awkward- he’s not really the most socially apt, and neither am I. Showing him my permit from the local historical society would just make him stare at me like I had grown 10 heads. The whole thing would be kind of silly aldkdjdh.

Xiao also just kind of… observes people. It’s not malicious, but we know he just sort of follows/watches people as they enter/exit the harbor and Liyue at large. The landscape of Liyue has a lot of mythology- deities are said to live in the mountains, plus like. There’s wildlife, so I could imagine a feeling of being watched would just be par for the course. Staying at the Wangshu Inn during a restoration project would probably lead to our next proper meeting. He’s pretty unforgettable, so even catching a glimpse of him there or hearing mention of him would have me asking the staff about any… strange individuals.

Honestly, earning his companionship would take a lot of work. Unfortunately for the both of us, I’m extremely curious and persistent to a fault. But once there was some kind of camaraderie between us, I think I’d spend whatever time he allowed exploring different parts of Liyue’s natural landscape. Not just reclaimed ruins (which he’d be able to tell me anecdotal information about in passing, but would refuse to elaborate at length he “was just there and didn’t exactly study it”), but mountains with strange rock formations and secluded lakes during the summer heat. Sitting in silence in fields of sweetgrass while watching low hanging clouds part for craggy mountaintops. Listening to his occasional quiet reflection on an area that we’re passing through. Making offerings at forgotten shrines or memorials whenever we encountered one- adeptus and human alike-, and keeping incense in my bag for the occasion. Always offering him the last sunsettia in my knapsack even though he’d tell me time and time again that he doesn’t eat. It’d be inconsistent, but I’d love his company all the same. I’d have to understand quickly that his bouts of distance weren’t exactly personal, but I think we’d fall into a rhythm. Both of us are very guarded people, so there would be a degree of respect there that neither of us would push too far.

Anyway, the further our dynamic progressed, the more time we’d spend together, even if still very sporadic. Xiao would be prone to bringing me trinkets or strange objects he thinks I’d enjoy. Literally he’d just find odd things on the ground that he’d consider mundane, but knows I’d be fascinated by. Old regional currencies, the occasional possibly blessed stone, qingxin blossoms for the vase on my windowsill. Likewise, I’d bring him what I could from the harbor. Usually intangible things, like missives or gossip (which he’d claim to have no interest in whatsoever, but that he’d listens to so intently he wouldn’t seem to breathe), or news about individuals residing there that he’d mentioned in passing. Occasionally, that strange pharmacist and little herb picker would send me off with medication they insisted I give to him. Xiao would scoff and grumble every time, but would inevitably pocket the tablets. His karmic debt and subsequent episodes would be a point of contention at times, mostly because I’d believe he wasn’t taking care of himself properly.

All in all I think we would have a very quiet, steady kind of dynamic that we’d never quite name. Doing things for one another and giving each other the unwavering support we need. The longer we hung around one another, the more plainly we’d speak about our feelings and thoughts. Even if we didn’t fully understand each other, we’d always make the effort to bridge that gap. Lots of quiet, gentle moments and exchanges. Lazing on warm rocks and soaking up the sun after swimming in some isolated pool (Xiao hardly gets in the water ever, sigh) would be the pinnacle of every summer. He’d still occasionally insist he doesn’t need to eat, but his complaints would be entirely toothless when I cut up fruits for us to share while we (read: I) dry off. Watching him relax in my room for the first time would nearly kill me. While I’d incessantly scribble away at a report, he’d lounge on the floor or windowsill like an oversized house cat. A blessed jade he’d given me wrapped woven cord would sit heavy and warm against my chest, the familiar weight pressing into my skin while I worked. The heady scent of incense burning on my desk would eventually lull his eyes shut for the first time in a while. And though he may be upset with me afterwards for letting him doze off, I’d just smile and give the most lackluster apology he’d ever heard because I wouldn’t regret it at all.

[khalixvitae]

Summer, early morning

Sunlight through linen curtains, bird song, and the smell of sweet marsh grasses, all invited on warm breezes into open windows. Fresh incense for a burner still wet with dew.

A half finished cigarette in the windowsill, half dressed.

“Why do mortals insist on shortening their lifespans? And for something so trivial. You should be more careful. If not for your own sake, then…”

“Xiao, everything shortens a mortal lifespan— so does doing nothing. Let me have this? Please?”

“… Don’t be stubborn. There are people in this world that care for you.”

“…”

[khalixvitae]

also i just love that your shipnames go by gemstones it's soooo peak. why did you choose nephrite for xialix? 🎤🎤🎤

Aghhhh ok SO,,, partly because of Xiao’s jade accessories: the plate on his shin, the pi, etc etc., though those would most likely be made of the other jade, jadeite (I assume based on the coloration— jadeite is usually more translucent). Typically Jadeite is also the more valuable of the two stones. I chose nephrite for the ship name instead because like. Tbh I prefer nephrite’s coloration lolol. It’s usually darker, with more bands of blacks and greens/visible veining because of how the crystalline structures weave together/how the stone actually forms. While Jadeite is harder and more difficult to scratch, nephrite is more difficult to break or shatter. TLDR it’s a very tough, resilient material and it can withstand a lot of pressure and wear, AND I like its coloration more. It felt very fitting!