#thoughtsofinsanityy

[dontleavemestay]

My heart

My heart ain’t nowhere to be found. Surprisingly, I don’t want to look for it, because I know it’s still with the person who broke it into million of pieces exactly a year ago. I don’t know why I still put up a strong face and pretend I am all okay about it all. I know deep down inside, i am broken. I just don’t want to admit it. Not to myself, my friends, family. I just won’t. I don’t want to feel vulnerable anymore. I don’t want to seem weak to everyone who thinks I’m strong. I hate pretending to be happy for those who getting that person they’ve wanted. All I can think, is he’s going to hurt you anyway. All guys will you terribly eventually. It won’t take long.

[dontleavemestay]

Am I even enough to find to ever find love?

[dontleavemestay]

Letting go.

Do you realize how hard it is to just let go? You have to go through this process and try to forget every single feeling he gave you and just move on. Or just stay broken til someone new comes along. But do you realize when something new comes, it makes it 10x worse to just be normal and happy?

[dontleavemestay]

Sad

I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen the light. When was the last time you saw an actual smile? That’s not the one. I’ve gotten so good at pretending to be happy, I don’t know if I’m lying or I’m actually happy. Just don’t know. 
my smile used to so genuine. It used to brighten up people’s day. I’m lost. That girl is lost now. Not sure if she’ll ever be found.

[dontleavemestay]

Starting over

I really don’t feel like starting all over. I’d have to tell you my whole life story, tell what I like, what I don’t like, what’s wrong with me, etc. I’d have to introduce you to my family.. You’d introduce me to your family. Then we get comfortable with each other, do things we’ve never done, start thinking about the future together.
And you know what? I’m not looking forward to starting over. It means I have to give someone my all and possibly get shattered into a million pieces. Or maybe find the love of my life. I don’t want to start over. The future scares me. But I wonder who’s going to be the one who holds me at night? Who’s going to love me like he never loved any one. Who’s going to step up? 
I’m not looking forward to starting over.

[dontleavemestay]

I've always wondered...

I've always wondered, "when will I wake up next to the man I love?" I've always wondered, "am I ever going to be happy with someone that's not him?" Do I even want to be with anybody? I don't even know. I'm just in my own padded wall with no one and nothing to get me out of this place.