What was the last time when you praise a student or your own child?!
Once one of our students in kindergarten started to appreciate his classmates saying “Good job” in exact same intonation as a teacher and in the right case, which felt so unexpected, in some way good, but alarming for me. Just because that was one of his first words and expressions in English, that meant for me he just replicates what teachers say on a daily basis. That case never came out of my mind, may be just because surprisingly he kept telling that in any appropriate situation or that our kids could be the victims of extra appreciation.
If you just observe what’s happening around, some of us do praise children for almost everything and the phrase “Good job” becomes unworthy and doesn’t sound as it supposed to be. Making efforts to be a be good parent/teacher in such fast changing environment, we can simply be in the trap of praise which may lead to some unexpected consequences.
* For a note to avoid any misunderstanding, I don’t intend to doubt the importance of emotional support for the creation of positive self-esteem.
According to Alfie Kohn,who strictly follows on the results of sociological researches, there are 5 reasons to stop saying “Well done”:
1. Manipulation
When your 3 years old is eating by himself without splitting a food outside of the plate or your 5 years old puts all his toys back in place, but what is the real intention? Do we really praise a child or may be we praise him/her because it’s convenient for ourselves?!
Rheta DeVries, professor in Northern Iowa calls this phenomena as a 'sugar-coated control'. Such praise makes our children suit our expectations. This technique is good, but it has a short term effectiveness, rather than a real work with a child. Like a discussion about responsibilities of a child or how can we influence on each other. It’s not only a matter of respect, but it’s more possible way that makes them learn to think.
2. Creation of praise addiction
Of course, not every appraisal meant to to control children’s behavior. We do praise them when we sincerely happy about their actions. But in the case, we need to be very attentive about consequences. Saying “I like it, how you did…” or “you did it well”, we are not allowing our children to form their own opinion about their own performance. We are doing it instead. Moreover, as the result they are learning to used to and rely on our opinion about what is good and what is not. It does make them to measure themselves using our smiles and recognition.
Mary Budd Rowe, researcher from University of Florida, found out that children, who were generously praised by teachers, were more unsure in the answers and tend to use more interrogative intonations in their answers. They seemed less inclined to persevere in solving complex problems and share their opinions with peers.
Shortly saying,“Well done” doesn’t really help, but on the contrary increase the anxiety.
3. Stealing child’s pleasure
Besides worry about forming an addiction, there is another alert as child has a right to experience a pleasure from his/her own accomplishments, to feel proud of themselves that s/he has learnt to do. Apart from it, s/he deserves a right to choose what kind of feelings to feel. But every time saying “Good job” it’s like we are making him/her to feel what we want to.
Well, there are cases, when appreciation and guidance are needed especially to small kids and pre-schoolers. However, the constant flow of estimated statements are neither useful neither needed. In any case, every judgement even the positive one is the judgement.
The author shares that she does appreciate the moments when her daughter does something for the first time or makes something better than before. «I’m really trying not to reflexively say “Well done!”, because don’t want to destroy her joy of discovery. I want her to share the joy with me, rather than waiting for my verdict. I want her to say “I did it!”, rather than asking “is it ok?”»
4. Loss of interest
The phrase “Nice picture!”,which said to the child, make him draw only till we will stay there and praise. And leading specialist of pre-school education Lilian Kats urges, that “if attention towards the child’s activity stops, they are more likely to stop doing that”.
5. Reduction in achievements
It seems like enough factors, which such a small expression as “Good job” can affect, however it also can harm his/her everyday work. Researches found out, that those children, who were encouraged for completing of creative task, were more likely to fail the next one, in comparison with those who weren’t praised from the beginning.
Why does it happen? To some point because of the praise “Be good/Be best” creates the pressure on a child. And one mentioned factor – they are not interested anymore. They are not going to risk anymore-which is essential condition of an art-they are worried about saving positive comments.
To sum up, “Well done” is rudiment which makes our life to follow controlled behavior. Unfortunately, this ignores our genuine feelings and thoughts which reflects our behavior. For example, child shares the food with his friend because 1)s/he worries about his/her friend or 2)s/he wants to be praised.
Referance to http://www.vospitaj.com/blog/lovushki-pokhvaly-ili-5-prichin-perestat-govorit-molodec-svoim-detyam/
-Lunara