#thuyvithoughts

[growwiththuyvi]

Finished using all the pages from my last journal and decided to make my next journal more personalized. This is 30 :)

I got to put my name, pick my flowers, and choose a quote that resonates with me 🩵🤍

[growwiththuyvi]

Thúy Vi Thoughts

Do you know what makes writing so beautiful?

Tension. Tension within a writer's work is the simultaneous acknowledgement of human suffering and the deeply profound sense of liberation.

The complexity and hardship that is entangled with the experience of being human often can feel daunting to speak about. The fear of not having the proper words that match the way our hearts intend to share our grief, frustration, and confusion.

[growwiththuyvi]

The thing about relationships is that people change. Being in a committed relationship does not mean much to me as one day one can commit and another day one can decide to not to commit.

Relationship can last, but to let the idea of relationships, or to be specific, the idea of romantic relationships does not promise you anything. It does not mean they will choose you everyday, it does not mean they will be consistent in the way they love you, nor does it mean you will be each other's priorities.

I see romantic relationships as a surrender and extremely vulnerable. It's beautifully scary. It is a fine line between healing and re-traumatizing/reinforcing your fears.

I guess the TLDR; is I'm not promised anything. That's the painful truth that I feel, but a pain I would endure just to experience the beauty and fascination of relationships.

[growwiththuyvi]

What may have worked before does not mean it will work forever. Sometimes we outgrow methods or maybe these methods no longer serve a purpose anymore.

[growwiththuyvi]

My Name

As I explore the meaning of my name, I begin to believe my name was my fate.

Vietnamese feminine names are usually about beauty while masculine names are about characteristics.

My name has a theme of subtle beauty. The one where you'll miss if you don't slow down.

I do feel that way. I always feel missed or invisible. It was only when I went to school where I felt seen by others. For the longest time, I felt unseen and it was just this last semester where others were able to see me for me.

I know I have my own goodness that is overlooked, under appreciated, and missed. At one point, I felt so lonely and neglected, but I think I held on to myself to make sure I was enough for myself and hoped that the right people will see me for me... eventually :)

so yeah. subtle. :P

[growwiththuyvi]

Food

This past thanksgiving I volunteered to make the turkey. I actually never cooked a turkey before, but I think with my year of eating/marinating chicken gave me confidence to give it a try.

I did my research and all. Decided to do something simple. I was nervous that it was not as extravagant like what my mother and brother have done in the past.

But I'll be honest, I never really liked their turkey to begin with. Oops.

But nonetheless, my mom was nervous about me making the turkey and gave a stanky face when she was reminded of who was in charge of the turkey. She kept giving me advice and what to get. My sister who never roasted turkey, gave me all her supplies for the year she almost made the turkey. She kept telling me what to do, but I think I felt exhausted.

I just wanted to do my own research and execute my own way.

Doing it my own way was scary though. Getting a good turkey, making sure it was fresh and clean. Doing the math to make sure I had enough and the right amount of ingredients. Time allocation for brining, prepping, and roasting. Figuring out how to separate the skin without ripping the skin.

I was the most nervous when it came to marination. The turkey was huge and still had some parts that are usually removed from a frozen turkey. It took a long time to separate the skin. If anything, I was marinating the wrong side, but hey, glad the turkey was marinated all around. Tying the turkey was a little difficult because everything felt slippery.

The roasting and basting was the easiest. Every hour in the oven, I was able to do other things on my task list.

Cleaning was a pain. Any time I deal with raw meat, I get so nervous about not cleaning everything and anything well enough.

Bringing it to my family, I was nervous that the turkey would not taste good. I feared of over salting the turkey, or being super dry, or just tasteless. Like I said, I feared the turkey of being too basic with the recipe I used. I feared the turkey was too gamey or tough to eat. I never tried this type of turkey so it was all a risk.

Anyway, everyone said it was the best turkey they ever had and even my mom was surprised that the turkey I got (which was not the one she told me to get) was delicious. They asked me to make it again next year. Even my brother in law was impressed and continues to hype me up on every dish I make.

The turkey was juicy to the point that the meat fell off the bone. The turkey smelled amazing.

I ate more turkey than usual this year.

So a few things...

I learned to trust myself despite the doubts, fears, and stress along the way.

I started cooking more because it's a nice sense of control in what I am ingesting. I usually cook most of the time, but now I am trying new dishes that remind me of my own heritage.

I am trying new hacks on Instagram which is super fun. I am learning a lot now (thank you algorithm).

I am just proud. I'm going to let that sink in for myself. I was relieved and was able to embrace this accomplishment.

I would not change a thing. I think it's important to experience all the feelings that occurred. It's okay to be confident, scared, nervous, doubtful, relieved, arrogant, stubborn, etc all at the same time. It makes me feel so human in that way.

[growwiththuyvi]

Appreciation post

Thank you friend for offering a ride and walking me to the end of the street for my safeness. I felt like I would be okay, but you noticed how alert I was and being more aware of my surroundings.

It sounds like a bare minimum thing to thank, but I will say, I am one to appreciate the little things.

but also I was once told I should fear nothing and nothing bad will happen to me.... because nothing bad happens to them when they go to sketch areas (they are a dude btw). I felt really unseen as a women in society and just was so hurt by their comment. It brings up lots of anger and frustration in me. I'm glad they're not in my life anymore and I am and the people around me now are calming my storms.

[growwiththuyvi]

The Essence of Visibility

My professor reached out to me the day after my group facilitation to ask me to be his TA. Everyone who I shared said they were proud of me, congratulated me, and told me I did good job.

I did not have the heart to tell them they were missing the point. What was said in the email that made me joyful was how I was seen as in individual. They saw me as someone who is thoughtful, caring, aware, and sensitive.

But wait! it's not because of the compliment itself that leads me to happy tears. It's the fact that I was finally seen by someone the way I see myself.

It was also because I didn't have to try, prove, be something to receive this kindness. I was just me basically breathing and my authentic version existing.

It was nice to feel seen without trying to be seen.

I always felt so invisible to everyone. If they did try to describe or talk about me, it's about things that aren't that meaningful to me. Could be appearance, what I have accomplished, or just filler words of "nice" or "cool"

Imagine just existing and someone is just admiring that. It gives that reassurance of enoughness. I know I am, but do others see that? At least one person can see and vocalize that for me.

unfinished thoughts... I have a long week ahead of me.