Apr 29
watching a fictional character stop being the same age as you is fucked up
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watching a fictional character stop being the same age as you is fucked up
it's so fucking weird. when i was about 19 years old, i actually thought i had figured life out. i thought i was finally past the confusion and suffering of my teenage years. i had a rough plan of how i wanted my life to proceed, i was making progress. i was happy.
but now, the confusion is back stronger than ever. starting at around 25 i began figuring out that life wasn't as simple as i thought, i began questioning again what i wanted to do with my life. and this time, in addition to being confused about what to do, there is this growing sense of time running out. i'm now 27 years old, and i have no idea at all how the next few years are going to look, no idea what i am going to do. i know that late twenties is still considered relatively young, but it doesn't feel that way. it feels like i just spent the last 8 years getting a master's degree in computer science, so obviously my career is already roughly set. i spent those 8 years together with my girlfriend, so obviously that's who i am going to spend the rest of my life with. it feels like everything has already been decided, that it's too late to change course.
and change course to where? even if i got the chance at a do-over, i don't know if i would do anything different. i am roughly where i expected and wanted myself to be at this point in my life. but it still feels so boxed in, so suffocating.
and it's such a strange feeling. i don't know what i want to do, but i feel like it's already decided what i'm going to do. and even though that roughly aligns with what i wanted to do in the past, it feels wrong.
aaaand my past is right behind me isnt it
its so weird how time is silent. it should make creaking, whining noises
ok so like does anyone know when you stop losing time
anyone else notice that nostalgia alienates you from all people as well as all time and all place
sometimes i wish i could recall more things from my childhood but then i'll watch a youtube video ranking all the lego star wars levels and from a shot of a part of a level i havent thought of in almost two decades ill have a sudden recollection of the feeling of having to pause the game at that part to go to school and the exact feeling of having that block of time in my head like a temporary weight until summer until middle school until college until dropping out and then i come back and i feel like im suffocating like all of the air around me had drained out of the room while i was away and i have to tell myself its better to just leave that stuff alone or itll be like that again and again
you should be able to talk to anyone from any era of your life even if theyve drifted away or went internet quiet or hate you or killed themselves. this should be a human right