#tindertalk

[andthensheswipedleft-blog]

David loved tall girls.We started talking about height and reversal of gender roles. I asked him if he liked looking up at a girl rather than the stereotypical couple. I was thinking of a couple standing next to each other and the taller guy looking down at the girl. He interpreted the question very differently, taking it to the level presented. 

-SassySeal

[hand-to-blog]

When can we talk about how my brother found me on Tinder and isn't that a thing it's supposed to automatically filter out?? People Against the Horror of Having to Swipe on a Sibling; a small support group I'm piloting.

[granolagravitas]

r u a pirate cuz i got the booty u been lookin 4

[guidetocasualsex]

Tinder : Vern

Vern : Dope

Me : As in street slang? Does that mean good?

Vern : Have any?

Me : Oh how silly, I thought it meant good! Do I have any what?

Vern : Dope

Me : I've just made some madeleines, if we meet I can bring some, but they will have cooled by then I think

Vern : Bring dope and those friends

Me : Which friends?

Vern : Mandys, 1 or 2 whatevs

Me : Those friends are actually traditional small French oval sponges

Vern : You look like Beyonce

Me : Really? No one has every said that before, must be the gypsy blood, my Grandmother's side, a family secret though!

Vern : Hot booty

Me : Nice of you to say so, but can you really see it in that picture? That was taken in the Peloponnese and my booty is rather obscured by a table. I'm new to Tinder, finding it all a but scary lol!

Vern : Bring Mandy, dope n booty, now. I lick older

Me : You don't look like Jay Z which is not a bad thing. You look like David Beckham if he were Polish and had been in prison for stealing high performance cars to order

Vern has blocked you

[guidetocasualsex]

Tinder : Barney

Barney : Hola

Me : Barney este Espagnol?

Barney : Pourquoi?

Me : Are you Spanish?

Barney : No, I'm from Kentish Town originally, are you Spanish?

Me : Not enough

Barney : Ok, not enough Spanish, whatever that means, what turns you on?

Me : Spanish men

Barney : Matadoro

Me : It's matadors

Barney : You can make anything sound Spanish with an o on the end

Me : Poilo?

Barney : This is Tinder not University Challenge, goodbye unless you want to have sex this afternoon. I have the day off. I am not unemployed.

Me : Do you have a matadors outfit?

Barney : Only if you will dress as a bull

Me : I've realised this fantasy is going to get very weird very quickly

Barney : and I can stab you with my sword and make tapas out of your horns

Me : Yup, goodbye

[guidetocasualsex]

Tinder : Wayne

Wayne : Hi

Me : Thanks

Wayne : wut for?

Me : I started writing tanks, damn auto correct!

Wayne : tanks wtf

Me : Your picture, one of your pictures, you're in a tank

Wayne : na its a composter

Me : er ok but you're dressed in army fatigues

Wayne : army wot! I was hiddin

Me : How old are you?

Wayne : like nearly 30

Me : and you hide in composters dressed as a soldier?

Wayne : you wanna meet?

Me : I need small talk before I meet

Wayne : how small?

Me : never been asked that

Wayne : how small can you take?

Me : I am blocking you, don't try and talk to me if you see me in the street

[hand-to-blog]

40% of my left swipes are name-based discriminations.

I'm sorry, Dash, I am saving us both.

25% are sunglass-based discriminations. 10% spelling 12% facial hair 2% gaming & wildlife

The remaining 11% face stuff because I'm SHALLOW AS FUCK.

xoxo.