"I love you prompt": 24. Without really meaning it, any pair you wanna do that'll effectively fuck me up
I would say I’m sorry but you asked for it. Also this is partially @quoth-the-ravenclaw‘s fault because she sent me an awesome post while I started this idea and it took on a life of its own. Whoops.
Asahi watches sleepily from the bed, still half buried under the covers and yet still cold along one side, as Noya wanders near silently around the apartment in Asahi’s shirt and little else. This is normal for them, and Asahi knows that if he slips his eyes all the way closed Noya will disappear, all trace of him evaporated in the early dawn light. He also knows that Noya thinks he’s still sleeping, like he normally would be at this time of day, but Asahi’s gotten so used to Noya flittering off after their explicit nights together that he can’t make himself stay asleep.
Not while this is the only chance to see Noya like this,hair down and ruffled out of place, Asahi’s huge shirt draped over his much slighter frame, looking almost delicate as he gathers his own clothes from various corners and pieces of furniture. The space in the bed that Noya had occupied is still warm, but Asahi is cold, even with both the fluffy blankets practically over his head.
It’s a little disconcerting, that Noya can manage to be so quiet when he’s usually so lively and vibrant and loud, and Asahi wonders if it’s a normal thing for him in the mornings, to be toned down, or if it’s just because he’s trying his hardest to not attract Asahi’s attention. Really, the nights are the complete opposite to the mornings. At night Noya is loud and right in Asahi’s face, begging for attention, begging for Asahi’s dick, begging until the air is heavy with his voice and desire. The mornings are silent, even when Asahi pretends to rouse and offers Noya breakfast before he declines and rushes out.
It hurts, and Asahi won’t deny that, not to himself, at least. It’s worse when Noya is distracted when he leaves, phone to his ear and coat half on, calling out a hurried goodbye, the unemotional ‘I love you’ still ringing on in Asahi’s head even hours afterward. He knows it means nothing, knows it means even less than it does when Noya calls it out to his mother when he leaves home, knows it means less than the one he gives Tanaka at the end of their phone calls.
He knows and it hurts, but he won’t stop taking what he can have anyway. He’s too weak for that. Too weak to let go and accept that he’ll never have what he really wants. He just watches from afar until Noya needs him, until Noya is in front of him and asking Asahi for things he can’t help but give, along with some things that Noya would never ask for. Asahi’s heart is one of those things, and Asahi doesn’t think he’ll ever get it back.
It’s not easy, to keep going like this, but Asahi can’t imagine any other way. Can’t imagine Noya returning his feelings. Can’t imagine what would happen if Asahi told him and Noya never wanted to see him again. So instead Asahi gives and gives, does what he can, what Noya says he’s good at. Accepts that there’s things he can’t call his own, no matter how much he wants to. And oh how he wants to.
Instead he savors the early morning moments when Noya wanders Asahi’s apartment in Asahi’s clothes, drinking coffee out of Asahi’s favorite mug. Lets himself wallow a little, imagining a future where those things are normal, where he doesn’t have to pretend to be asleep to see them.
It’s okay. Asahi is good at pretending.
