This is a story of becoming…. or so they fucking tell me
“The heaviness
is here
to teach you
how to rise again”
– Danielle Doby
Oh really!? The “powers that be” must want me to be freakin’ levitating at this point…for I have experienced another loss (a few months ago) in a year already filled with losses. I have chosen not to write about this particular loss until now, as things were far too raw to share. I will continue to keep the details private, in respect of my partner and our relationship, and will rather focus on my own processing and feelings.
And the story is…after 5 years, my relationship with J. has ended. This was not a mutual decision and came out of the blue for me. Thus I have a LOT of big feelings.
“I regret the end.
The way we couldn’t
leave one another
without wounds.
The way we made
it seem as if
all the love we shared
was wasted time.”
-S.L. Gray
Breakups are painful no matter how you look at them...no matter how you roll the dice. I have found that breakups after going through a cancer diagnosis and active treatments with your partner is a different kind of painful.
Although cancer was not given as a reason for the end, I still wonder what role my cancer diagnosis and treatment played in ending our relationship. If I never got sick where would we be? How would my life look differently?
Clearly I am hurt. And from the hurt the anger is flourishing. How is any of this ok? What the hell is happening?
I am furious.
I really don’t want to look back on this year, this really challenging year, and see his face, hear his discerning questions to the doctors, or feel his comfort in any and all forms. I honestly cry as I picture him helping me with my fertility shots, sitting with me as I got prepped for two surgeries, walking with me along the Charles while healing from my bi-lateral mastectomy, keeping me company during chemo, and his pained expression as he watched me cry over and over again.
In this moment in time I want to erase it all. To me, one doesn’t get the privilege of sitting with and holding someone else’s pain to then just get up and go. He doesn’t just get to get up and leave when I couldn’t. It’s not right and it’s not fair. Yet he can and he did. My perspective and attitude were the only things I could really control over the last several months. It is absurd to me to expect otherwise. Yet he left. And I am left with the trauma and J. soaked memories that are not likely to fade…these experiences you don’t forget, nor do I want to forget what I have lived through.
Enough said. Maybe my desire to erase him will change over time….as time helps heal most broken hearts. My wish for me is that I will continue to reflect, learn from my relationships, love openly and honestly, and invite growth in.
“the breaking
leads to opening
the opening
allows expansion
the expansion
creates more space
the space
invites growth in”
-X
I have turned to music, poetry, quotes, and running as my therapy. Although Zumba really is my thing, I realize I like the pain of running as it tends to numb out the emotional aching. As I run (and when I am home alone) I listen to music. I identify with many songs and enjoy reading the lyrics – especially ones that are kickin’ ass and taken names, as well as songs that remind me of him.
With my best friend getting married this weekend (one of the last of the crew) my heart aches a little more for myself. This does not mean in any way that I am not 100 percent happy for my bestie (this was a long time coming!)! And this is not about me feeling sorry for myself….or maybe it is, I don’t know. But I’m ready for more of my life vision to come to fruition. Maybe my vision has gotten lost in the shuffle of life….in the “comfortable” spaces. Well, clearly life is no longer “comfortable” so bring on the growth already. This period of disorganization has to end at some point. I guess I am not done sifting through the mess.
“the beautiful thing about being in the mess is – it creates friction,
it disrupts comfort, it ignites movement.
Movement is what helps us sift through what’s real, what’s of value,
and what deserves to stay.”
-Danielle Doby