“My Addiction"
This is my addiction story
Heavy-heartedness causes me to drink them
I took one bottle and swallow a drug from it
The drug kicks in. I feel the energy surging up my body
I feel alive and gleeful and joyous
I would then taste the sound of crackling fireworks
That feeling tasted like the sun exploding
Now I am at the top of the skyscraper, kilometers from the ground
And I have the confidence to frolic and gamble with death I have the confidence to jump
Just to taste the air as if it is a freshly plucked strawberry
Tasting so sweet
My bones are live wires filled with booming sounds
They are sticks of gun powder
Waiting for the fire to touch the surface
And now they have, and they are blooming spreading
Igniting me with every heat stick
Because I feel the cold breeze of winter
And I am longing for warmth
And I am happy, I am happy, I am happy
They come, they insisted they should
They taste like salt water together with sand burnt under the flaming sun
They were tears
And I am still laughing and cracking up, I am open
I pick the bottles and slip a drug out from each
They are clawing against my throat and I gulp
My palms wipe away the tears, now gushing down
And the tremors, somehow, subside
I feel numb, unaware of the ground splitting beneath me
And I hear the laughters of the unknown crowd around me creating symphonies with the sound of it
But I have seen that picture perfect photo of you and the drugs are not satisfying my needs
Now, I am laughing, I am cracking up, I am broken
I am forcibly being shattered
And I try to take another. I muster strength and force them down to my stomach, I gulp
But, alas, they still aren’t enough. I am crumbling down to pieces
I thought I was diamond but I am actually paper
I thought I could actually escape you
I look down at the bottle, it contains scribbles of letters
It states, “The past”. I continue, I just want to get by
I sipped one, burning against the walls of my insides
I see images of laughter and happiness and joy
I start to remember the taste of your fingers pressing against my forearm
I smell the exquisite taste of honey by the taste of your almost pressing lips against mine
It might be the drugs kicking in, settling down in my insides
Still, it feels real
Your gaze feels like nostalgia, a safe haven
It is my sanctuary, it is my prison
And the images are starting to hurt
So I grab the bigger bottle
It reads, “the supposed future”. I swallow one
Now I smell blooming purple
I feel your gaze now with tenderness like that of cotton, pin pricking
As you walk towards me wearing your wedding gown, you come to a stop
And I feel your tracing fingers intertwining with my own
Our lips fit perfectly like 2 complimenting puzzle pieces
Your kiss tastes like a symphony
I taste the sound of our home resonated by the sound of our children’s voices
I feel your fingers intertwining with mine and your gaze
Dear God - your beautiful gaze feels like home
And everything is just painful because they are the hallucinations caused by these drugs. Our “past” and our “supposed future”
They taste like annoying dull daggers cutting me
But the thought of you tastes like pain, fear, uncertainty, cowardice and pain
I taste pain like the blood from my mouth, dripping every time I utter your name under my breath
I taste fear like the black claws of your caressing little fingers every time you sketch constellations behind my back
I taste uncertainty like the vast ocean of clouds I was desperately dipped in every time you show me, and I quote, that ‘I love you'
I taste cowardice like an insect curling into a ball after feeling the bangs and booms every time you cut the space between us into nothing
I taste the pain
And it tastes wonderful
This is my addiction story and I am addicted to the thought of you
