#tishipal

[tishipal]

My head hurts

[tishipal]

It’s 2 a.m.

[tishipal]

I Can’t Help Falling Asleep To Podcasts | #4

Hello.

So about two years ago, I stumbled upon the wonderful outlet that is podcasting. I was getting into the YouTube creations of Rhett and Link and found their podcast, Ear Biscuits. Being someone who feels the need to constantly be engaged, another terrible habit, I want to be always watching something or listening to something. That, let me tell you, it not the healthiest thing you can do. I like to listen to podcasts, which is something I do very regularly now, when I am doing something else. Back at it again with the constant need for doing stuff. So I shower and listen, or eat and listen but then I realized I could listen to it while I am preparing to fall asleep in my bed because I can somehow multitask those two things? It is kind of perfect; I can listen and pay attention to it for as long as my body allows and then just fall asleep. Here’s what’s not perfect, the audio continues to play in my ear buds while I’m sleeping because I just fall asleep. So when my brain is supposed to be catching those ‘Z’s it’s really being fed this continuous sound. I don’t know if that’s a scientifically proven bad thing, but given from my father’s constant protests against me falling asleep to the sound of humans talking, I guess it is. Sometimes, I close my eyes and just listen to the podcast and keep listening and keep listening until it gets over and I realize it’s been over an hour of me being awake with my eyes closed and just lying there, not sleeping, but listening to this podcast. I listen to them on a platform where the autoplay cannot be turned off, I’ve tried, so one night could potentially be playing podcasts continuously until my phone battery lasts. Often I wake up to find podcasts playing, eight hours after I had laid down to sleep. I listened to three Ear Biscuits episodes continuously one night. That’s three hours of me just laying in bed listening to the life stories of YouTubers, being awake when I could’ve been getting some much required sleep. Anyway, unnecessarily long story short, I now cannot sleep without listening to podcasts as it has been two years of me continuously doing it. So, other people might find talking something that keeps them from sleeping but for me, it’s something that I cannot go without.

Like I said, I haven’t looked up the adverse effects of actually falling asleep to podcasts. I know people do this to nature sounds, which I’ve tried, or even ASMR, which hasn’t ever worked for me. But I know this is probably not the best habit to have and continue to have for years to come. For the past few days I haven’t done this, which is pretty good considering how addicted I am to this habit. This is only because I chose to sleep after I’ve tired myself out completely by watching YouTube, with the brightness turned down a lot, until my eyes cannot stay open any longer. Which is again, not that healthy. So, I’ll try to not fall asleep to podcasts and listen to them only when I am fully awake. But I still feel like I can only do it when I’m multitasking, so this is pretty fitting as I’m listening to a podcast as I type this right now.

[tishipal]

Is It Too Late Now To Say Saree? | #3

Hello.

I’m feeling a lot better now. Let me start off by saying I woke up around 8:45 which was a major improvement. I did start my day off gazing at my phone for a long while so that means I have broken my ‘stay off my phone rule’. You win some, you lose some. So, I can happily say that today is probably the end of my stressful saree story. I love alliterations. The entire morning I had this ‘nervous fever’. I can’t be the only one who feels this, but when I get really nervous or anxious, I start getting hot. My palms also itch which is a sensation that I’m not entirely opposed to, honestly. The reason for my anxiety was that I had to confess my lies to my grandmother. Coming clean about something is so difficult but it’s the only way out of a terrible lie. If you want to be a decent human being that is. Also there was literally no way to cover this up. I put off doing this until 1:30 in the afternoon, only because I was so nervous. Like I mentioned, I have conversations with myself. A lot. Sometimes these conversations are with other people, by myself. Does that make sense? I pretend to be talking to someone, who’s clearly not there, all by myself. It’s not that weird. Right? RIGHT? Anyway, I had this one sided conversation “with” my grandmother, alone and couldn’t stop bursting into tears. I had felt like I’d gotten some of it out of my system by doing this, even though I hadn’t really spoken to her. So when I approached her in the afternoon with tears in my eyes, she took me inside her room and I told her what I had already told myself. When I cry a lot, I get these uncontrollable gasps of air in between which makes it very hard to speak properly. My grandmother was very nice about it, as I was a bumbling mess, and just sent pangs of guilt through my body when she would ask a question like “why didn’t you just tell me?” or say she was really looking forward to doing this for me. I am terrible. What’s so blatantly stupid about this whole thing is I could’ve just simply avoided it all so easily. Lesson learnt.

I went with my aunt to pick up my blouse and returned home later that evening. I showed the saree I’d bought to my grandmother, who wasn’t overly impressed, but she said it was nice. You have to know that my grandmother is very heavily interested and knows a lot about textiles. She does talks on them, helps weavers who are struggling to sell their sarees and has written a yet to be published book on textiles. So having not gone to her to pick out my first saree, even though I thought it was a rational decision at the time, is a sin. Thankfully, this whole thing is now over and my next worry is actually pulling off wearing a saree, with heels, for the first time. I don’t really have a ‘to do’ to write for tomorrow, only that I should enjoy what is possibly going to be my entire class being together for one last time.

·         Have fun.

Do you ever feel like the right thing to do is sometimes the hardest? Why is that? I don’t see how that’s fair. It doesn’t apply to every scenario but sometimes the fear of actually going through with something like this can make you want to not do it entirely. The feeling of being honest is very rewarding, but getting there is so hard. I guess that is fair. Hopefully what I’ve taken away from this is that I should be fully aware and conscious of things I have to do and tell people about it. Because as much as I love talking to myself about it, that’s not very helpful. Also lying is horrible and it makes you feel horrible and you shouldn’t do it. The weird thing is I knew all of this before, so why did I do it? I guess everything that sucks is always an opportunity to learn some more. So let me revise that saying that I mentioned at the top. You win some, you learn some.

7/4/16

[tishipal]

I Lied| #2

Hello.

So, things have gotten significantly better, but things have also not. Today started off with me breaking my first commitment because I woke up at 10:30. I was awoken a few times but my body would not comply. However, when the sounds of my hotline blinging reached my semi-conscious state of mind, I woke up. Give me a few more days, I’ll get up sooner sooner or later. I tried to sleep at around midnight which is an improvement from my usual 1:30 - 2:00 am. I have fallen into a habit which I’m finding very hard to shake, which is that I cannot fall asleep without listening to podcasts. Weird, I know. I’ll get into that another time. The point is, I did try to sleep at around 12:00, but just laid in bed for more than an hour not sleeping. So, the phone rang in the morning at 10:30 and it was my older cousin. She told me that she’d spoken to my dad who’d spoken to her mom about getting me that saree. She would pick me up in an hour, take me saree shopping and then go to a tailor she knew very well who could stitch me a blouse in 24 hours. Remember when I said it couldn’t be done in three days? Well, apparently it can be done in one, if you know the right people and have family who are kind enough to put up with your lack of forethought. So the day consisted of spending an hour in a shop and not loving anything to going to another cheaper shop and immediately choosing a bunch of sarees that I liked. We bought it and left it with the tailor who by his magical ways will be able to stitch a blouse for me to wear. We got lunch and went to the tennis centre where my cousin works as a coach. I hit some balls back and forth with a couple of kids, most of them less than half my age, and was pretty tired credit to my lack of fitness. So that’s that. I will, hopefully be in the possession of my first saree by four in the evening tomorrow.

Here’s the not so good part. I came home in the evening to find my grandmother had left me missed calls because she didn’t know where I was and tried to reach me but couldn’t. She asked me about my farewell as I had told her about it a couple times. I panicked and said it was in a week because to her knowledge, she is responsible for getting me a saree. I didn’t want to casually drop the bomb on her that my farewell was a day away and that I’d spent the day doing something that we were supposed to do together, and the reason we didn’t was because I withheld information from her. Basically lying. So what I ended up doing was lie some more. -_- Like I said, bad things that happen to me seem to be all my fault. Which in this case, is true because I didn’t tell her about it. This means that I haven’t done a second thing on my checklist; tell my grandmother. Plus, my uncle was a witness to this lie which means more people to confess to down the road. This is one such thing that I said made me feel stupid. What was the actual need to lie? It’s not a little white one which I could’ve swept under the rug. I’m seriously considering buying a whole saree with her and pretending to have an event to go to in a week’s time. This means that tomorrow, I will have to tell her that my event is the next day and that I lied a whole bunch of times for no particular reason, only that I pushed doing this to the last minute and so I didn’t want to bother her with all this and so I bothered my father instead. Why? Just why do I do this? Tomorrow is going to suck. I can feel it.

And the last thing I wanted to achieve was not staying on my phone all day, which I accomplished only because I was out for most of it. It is ten to eleven at night and I should ideally be asleep by now, but I have used my phone for three hours and forty minutes. I’m determined to make that the one thing I have conquered. Here is what I think is should do tomorrow:

 ·         Wake up early at 9:30

·         Tell my grandmother (seriously)

·         Pick up my saree and be excited about it (because this whole thing has not been the happiest time, even though it should be)

·         Use only four hours of my day on my phone

 Do you ever lie because in that moment it seems like it’s the better thing to do? I feel like that’s not a good feeling to have. When I was lying, my hands found little pools of sweat in its crevices and since that moment I haven’t been feeling very good. I’m 17 going on 18, it cannot be normal for me to spew lies like this. I feel backed into this corner and every move I make seems only detrimental and has pushed me closer to the walls. Yes, I’m being a little dramatic but there seems to be no one for me to reason with. This is only my assumption, but I think anyone I tell won’t really understand. *writes “nobody understands me” all over the back pages of notebooks* Let’s be honest, it’s a pretty dumb situation to get yourself into, for which the solution is simple: do not lie/procrastinate. Yesterday was filled with tears and guilt. Today kind of erased that guilt because I got a saree, but added more guilt because I lied. I have a feeling tomorrow will have tears, yup, and lots of guilt and apologies and shame. Sounds like a fun time.

6/4/16

[hellagoodhaylor]

Sorry if this is an insensitive question, because some people are really strongly opinionated about this, but what are your thoughts on Louis' baby and whether it's a stunt or not? PS: I really do love Louis and Freddie but idk what to believe. 😲

There’s no way it’s a stunt. Not only would Louis not agree to faking something like this, there’s no reason to do this. If it was a stunt, it would be much more publicized. We heard about it for a week when it was announced and now that he’s born we’re hearing about it again, but not much. If it was fake, I would be incredibly pissed at Louis for pretending because that is just incredibly wrong.  People who think it’s fake and are blaming it on management... I don’t get them. It does nothing but make Louis look terrible if it’s fake. There’s no reason for it to be fake and I’m so happy for daddy Louis. x