smoke gets in your eyes
for my dear friend @ocheabutter who supports me in everything i do <3 ly mel
°°°
It couldn’t be that hard.
Tony looked once again in the mirror and his reflection laughed at his face. He shook his head, the bags under his eyes now part of his persona as he tried to pull all his life together, one obstacle after the other.
He asked for the millionth time that day if he was ever going to learn how to be a proper father.
Tali was biting the handle of a bright new hairbrush he had just purchased that afternoon. Her big doll-like dark brown eyes studied him with interest as if she too knew he hadn’t the faintest idea what he was doing.
He scoffed. That reminded of someone he knew.
Tali sat on top of the sink countertop in front of him babbling words he couldn’t understand, and his eyes drifted momentarily to the shampoo and conditioner flasks next to her. He had done what everyone had recommended, from Jimmy’s advice on which brand to use to McGee’s insights in how to convince a toddler to have their hair washed to even calling Abby asking for any bit of help.
Somehow he always ended messing something up, from buying clothes to types of baby food to ways of teaching her English, and many other things. There was no way this wouldn’t be the same, with Tali’s curls looking too entangled from where he was standing, imagine after he so clumsily made her blind as shampoo burned her eyelids.
He blinked, probably knowing he was taking it too far.
To his credit though, Tony had to turn from a no one to a single dad of a little human in mere hours, with no warning, no preparation and absolutely zero skills with children.
He sighed, knowing there was no other way.
That child needed a bath, and she needed it badly.
Tali didn’t mind him taking her clothes off, nor being carried to the small bathtub sitting at the shower floor. Tony had rolled up his sleeves and tested the water temperature almost ten times already, but he sighed in relief all the same as Tali only giggled once she was inside the bath.
First step complete.
He opened the shampoo bottle, smelling its scent for a moment and wondering when was the last time he had taken care of his own hair like that. Probably never.
“Hmmm,” he said, then immediately cursed in his mind. That was shampoo, it wasn’t food she needed to think it was delicious. Teaching a child to drink shampoo is not the best way to go, he thought.
He put some in his palm and rubbed them together, only to remember he had to rinse her hair first. After a deep breath and a series of self-doubting thoughts, the game started again and lukewarm water was being cupped by his hand and almost too gently poured onto Tali’s head.
There was no reaction. He frowned. That was a good sign, wasn’t it?
He slowly started massaging her scalp with shampoo, bubbles appearing with foam. Tali kept singing in a language he understood nothing of but was glad she was being distracted. He had no idea if he had done a good job, but soon enough he had just rinsed the shampoo off twice and was ready to pour some conditioner.
A smile crept out in Tony’s mouth. This was going better than he thought, the warm feeling of pride spreading across his chest.
Then he gently grabbed the brush by its bristles from where Tali was bitting it and in an instant, it all went downhill.
Her face contorted almost instantly to sadness, tears already streaming down her cheeks as Tony tried his best not to let her hear his cursing. He quickly let her bite the hairbrush handle again, and sighed in relief when that was able to calm her down, at least for now.
Then he realized he would need another brush.
°°°
“I like to wash my hair, wash wash wash my hair,” she sang as he made her lean under the tap, holding her in place. “Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly,” Tali repeated.
“How does Rapunzel say?”
She started singing the main song from the movie, the one he knew was her favorite and she was going to repeat it many times. Enough times to let him do his job.
Soon her hair was spiked up, foam covering his hands as Tali only giggled at the funny faces he was pulling, falling back to singing right after.
“What does shampoo mean?”
“Shampoo it means uh-” Tony tried to think of a good answer. “It’s like soap that cleans your hair.”
“Ooh, I forgot.”
He started massaging her scalp under the tap, cleaning the bubbles away.
“It feels good,” said Tali, closing her eyes.
“I bet it does,” he smiled. “Abba is a master of it, isn’t he?”
“Hmm-mm.”
Soon it was time of conditioner and disentangling, and he swiftly put Tali to sit onto the sink countertop again in order to brush her curls properly. Tony grabbed the bottle to pour some in his hand and she held her own little hands out, demanding to let her have some too.
“In my hand!”
“This is not for your hand,” he said laughing. “This is not lotion. It’s like shampoo but it’s called conditioner.”
“May I have conditioner?”
“Uh, how does Elsa say?” He was going to run out of princesses to use, but if he had any luck she would soon forget it and start singing the songs all over again.
To no surprise, she was soon humming another one of her favorites, distracted enough that he started to untangle her curls without much problem.
Everything was fine and today was a great day. Tony smiled.
Then the song changed.
Tali started singing it quietly at first, a jumble of words muttered under her breath. He laughed, asking her what new song she had come up with.
Then his heart died in his throat.
She was singing in Hebrew.
His hand stopped midair but Tali continued to sing, eyes not directed at him but rather at the Barbie on her hands. Tony caught a few words with his limited knowledge, but the meaning was too vague for him to truly understand it. His heart was beating too fast for him to think properly.
Ziva, Ziva, Ziva, was all that was ringing in his mind.
Tali stopped singing once she looked at him.
“Did it get it in your eyes, Daddy?” she asked concerned, patting her own eyes with the towel that was around her shoulders instead, as if it would also help him. “It hurts?”
Tony quickly wiped his teary eyes. “No, no, nothing hurts,” he said.
It was a lie.
She studied him for a second but soon was singing again as if nothing had happened. The song wasn't in Hebrew anymore. Tony cleaned his throat.
“Tali,” he said, and she looked up at him again. “Tali, who taught you that song?”
Her forehead furrowed, but she spoke all the same. “Song?”
“The one you were just singing.”
She was a smart girl, maybe she could tell him something. Something, anything about her memories of her. Tony had been desperate to know what her life had been before him maybe since the day he met her.
The despair must have shown in his eyes because Tali was soon shaking her head with worry in her face.
“I don’t know,” she said.
His heart sank once again.
“It’s- It’s okay, sweetie. Don’t worry about it,” he kissed her hairline and felt her relax under his touch. It wasn’t her fault. Nothing was her fault. Nothing of it.
Soon Tali was singing Disney songs again while Tony disentangled her hair the same way he did almost every day. He asked her what movie they should watch and she answered the same one they’ve been watching for the whole week. Everything went back to normal.
He spent the whole night thinking about that song though.
For some reason, he was sure it had her hand in it.
°°°
“One-two-three, UP.”
Tali giggled as she was lifted up in the air to sit on top of the sink countertop. It was morning. The smell of lavender insensed the bathroom, vapor covering the mirror and making everything warm.
Tali turned to it, drawing a ‘T’ next to a heart. She giggled, her eyes bright.
A moment after, another hand placed a 'Z' just next to it.
Ziva laughed as well, the sound of their laughter echoing all around the bathroom. She opened the door to let the air in and grabbed a fresh towel to put around Tali’s shoulders.
“Daddy said we would make pizza today,” she said with a big gap-toothed smile.
“Did he now?” Ziva started drying her hair with another towel, rubbing her head until Tali was all giggles and laughter.
“Do you think he can beat my bread with his pizza?”
“No,” said Tali giggling, then covered her mouth as if it was a secret, but the smile was still very visible behind it.
“Hmm, maybe he can surprise us.”
Ziva started untangling her hair, a brush swiftly undoing Tali’s curls that were a match to her own.
Tony leaned against the doorframe, shaking his head as his throat started to close.
Ziva was singing. She was muttering the melody under her breath, Tali smiling at her.
It was in Hebrew.
It almost undid him.
Tony didn’t even feel the time passing, for a moment he was watching her and the other Tali was already dressed, running between his legs. Time had a different feeling to him now, as if they suddenly had too much of it. Past and present seemed to overlap more often than not.
“Are you alright?” asked Ziva frowning as she placed her hand on his chest.
He wondered if she could feel his heartbeat pounding inside.
Tony pulled her close, kissing her hairline. Smoke clouded his vision.
“I love you,” he said.
Ziva laughed, it was something he said all the time and they both knew that.
“Why do you say it at most random things? Is it not something to be cherished? To be guarded for special moments?” she asked, looking up, her hands circling his body.
“Oh, Dah-veed,” Tony shook his head, pulling her even closer as he replied in her hair. “Prepare to hear it for the rest of your life.”