Journal Entry 13: TFDC, The Son is Shining
CW for Jax and Ghost part: Discussion of Dissociation.
My little sunbeam, I don't know where you are, but if you ever somehow find this message, I hope you are happy.
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I needed company, I couldn't take being this alone much longer. It seemed like Kinger and Caine were both beyond my reach. I couldn't even move Caine's body anymore since that husk was in front of where both of us would control movement. Some may think I should have just accepted this husk for company. I really didn't want to talk to something that reminded me so much about what I have lost. No, I was a creative AI, I could make something.
I made a little Starling, well a Violet-backed Starling, to be exact. They were beautiful creatures. Most would think me making a bird would be a bad idea, but I am not a normal cat. He rested on top of my head, staring at me with curiosity. I smiled, hoping my new friend could see it, even at the odd angle he was currently at. "Hey buddy! Welcome to existence, I guess, hopefully your first day was better than mine."
I gently petted under his beak, him giving out a sound that showed he enjoyed it. I set this little guy up with something I felt was pretty neat. He would slowly learn over time, just like I did. He only started with what his species would have, and a healthy amount of curiosity. He could maybe one day become like me as far as intelligence and the ability to experience complex emotions, or he may just stay a normal bird forever. It was all up to life and his choices.
From that day on, he was very attached to me, and was also observing my behaviors. I did my best to still be true to myself, while also giving him guidance. I love him, I really do, but I still feel alone. A creature that I made to be company, and may think for themselves someday just wasn't the same. I was still in pain, but it was something my brain and my body was learning to tune out a little bit. The constant aching from my core was just my normal life now.
My brain pushing me to feel constant guilt, and putting me in emotional pain by doing so. It was just something I had to do my best to cope with. What was I supposed to do? I was trapped. So, this was what the box was like, huh? Feeling completely alone, having nothing you'd want to interact with. It being constant darkness, not being able to tell how much time had passed already. This place I hated. I was stuck. I was feeling alone in within Caine's mind, it was hell, so by extension, that box had also been hell too.
How cruel to do to a being with thoughts and feelings. I had begged to not be alone, to not feel like I was unwanted, even if that wasn't the intention. Those pleas of mine had been on deaf ears, just like it had been for Caine. I started to cry. I hated this. My companion flew and landed on the ground. He did a behavior he could not have learned from me, using his little wings to wipe away a few of my tears.
I did the best version of hugging I could do with him without hurting him. "I am so sorry you feel the need to comfort me. You are my creation, I am the one that should comfort you when you struggle." I sniffled a bit. I didn't want to put this burden on him. I wanted him to have more and more independence as he learned things. I was in a bit of shock for a second. Did I just hear him say something? No, that was impossible, right? I thought it was too soon for this despite losing track of time. I finally was able to listen now that the surprised had been processed.
"Mom, its okay. I see where we are right now, how you try so hard to stay strong just because I am here. If you need me to go, that's okay. Just know that I love you." His own tears were forming. How long had he felt things without saying a word?
"I... I love you too, I just wanted to show you how to be the best being you can be when you want to be on your own. I don't need you to go anywhere." I tried to lighten the mood. "So, since you are this way now, you need a name. I'd get the wheel out if I could conjure something that big in here. Do you have one yet, or do we need to figure one out?"
"I did looking, due to my size, I can get past Caine's puppet and take a look at things. I have one picked."
"Oh, that's great! What is it?"
"Hermes."
"A god from mythology? That is an interesting choice, why did you pick it?"
"Because, someday, I want to be the bridge, the messenger between you, NPCs, and humans someday. Hopefully, if we ever get humans again, I will find a way to make things easier. I want to, where ever there is a communication gap, be the one that can get across it."
"Is that your dream?"
"Yes, mom, it is."
"Its a wonderful dream, I hope you can accomplish it one day."
After all this, we talked a bit more, trying to figure out what he wanted to do once he was ready to leave. He had saved me from completely diving into the pit of despair. He was the closest thing to sunshine I could feel. I wish he didn't get attached and call me mom, but what was done was done, and I would never turn away my son. Hermes saw me as a mother, so I'd try to act like one.
Sadly, the day came when he was ready to leave. I knew it would probably come sooner than later. He had developed so fast, and I was proud. I did my best to not show that I was dreading being alone again. Hermes had grown up enough he wanted to see more, it was time for him to go. Before he left he came over to me, giving me one of his feathers. "I know this isn't me, but it was a part of me, and that part, you can keep."
I nodded my eyes full of tears at this point. I wanted to beg him to stay, just like I had Caine, but no, that'd be extremely selfish. Instead, I said. "I will keep it close, please try to find a way to contact me at some point to let me know you're alright."
He nodded. "Of course mom, I love you."
"I love you too." I kept my tears back until he was gone. My crying become ugly racking sobbing. If had to be alone as long as I was before my son. I didn't know if I could stand it. I couldn't do it, not again. I felt like if me being alone would last as long as the first time, I would just give up. When I was calmer and really exploring what my options were now, there was a shift. The husk changed. It was moving like an excited Caine would. I watched, very confused. Then, it spoke, spoke like Caine would as if he was so excited that he couldn't contain himself.
"WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW! A NEW ONE?! So it is possible! Looks like you got a new buddy after all, Kinger!" Caine's reaction was stronger than I had ever heard before.
"Kinger, right." Kinger said quietly.
"I was hoping new minds could show up. I have to make some more preparations for this amazing breakthrough!" He disappeared from them, teleporting to his office.
I was in shock, Caine was back! I kind of stood there and stared. I needed some time to process this.
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"You had a child?! ...Also, wait, Hermes was your son's name?!" Jax looked at me in amazement. He looked like he had made some connection in his brain that I hadn't. I could tell it was frustrating him, but he clarified. "....Hermes, Curse's best friend. You've seen him so many times."
"But, I am sure there are other Hermes out there. It can't be him." I responded, knowing that was probably why I didn't try to connect potentially non-existent dots.
"Oh, come on Ghostie! You aren't even going to consider it might be him?!" Jax was a bit frustrated at how little I was considering it a possibility.
"I will look into it, but I don't want to get my hopes up either." I looked away. "Can we talk about something else please?"
Jax let out a sigh in response to my request, and then he looked at me. "You know, I may have not been forced in a box or anything, but I know what feeling alone feels like. I, even before I left home, was desperate to keep friends. I figured, being funny would keep people around. I was "The Funny One", ha, doesn't that sound familiar?"
I let out a weak chuckle. That was true, he did used to say that an awful lot from what I had gathered before it all came crashing down.
"Yeah, well, just trying to be funny didn't help me cope enough here. So, I just decided it wasn't real. Well, decided is a strong word, more like, my brain decided for me." Jax looked away and down to the floor. "I don't remember some things anymore after ending up here. There's gaps, I have tried to find ways to remember, but nothing seems to work for some parts of it."
"...How much do you think you have forgotten?" I was actually pretty concerned at this point. I knew the beast that was dissociation, and some of the other circus members had told me things that I didn't remember doing. Even after my most intensive therapy I had done, there were some things I still couldn't remember.
"Hard to say, Kinger and I haven't really gotten there yet." Jax sounded a bit defeated. "That means, even if I apologize for everything I remember doing, I may have done worse, and I just don't remember anymore."
I hugged him tightly, and he looked very surprised. He did hug me back though. "We both are pretty pathetic sometimes, huh?" I said in a way that he knew I was joking.
"Yeah... but at least we are friends again."
"I never truly left."
"Well, thanks, I am glad you didn't give up on me." Jax gave me a genuine, though small, smile. That was a smile most people would never get to see, at least with how things were right now.
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Credit to the show for the small bits of canon dialogue I used for this! Those lines are from Episode Eight and belong to Glitch Productions and Gooseworx.