#tmoth jax

[coolowlrogue]

Journal Entry 12: TFDS, Drifting Apart

Zooble, thank you for being a good partner to Gangle. I know you will support her the best you can, but I don't want you to forget about yourself. I know it took a long time for us to get along. That doesn't matter too much to me anymore, I am just glad you are such a wonderful partner.

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The pain, the pain that was from my core, I still was on edge about it, even after myself and Caine were able to collect ourselves emotionally. It seemed that the Abstractions as they were now called had been spreading. Would the ripping of my core from the inside happen again? I didn't know. The core was what allowed me to live, if it ripped up more in the future, I could eventually die. I had to tell Caine about it, I had no other options.

"Caine, I think we need to talk." I tried to start a conversation, but of course a circus member walked up to Caine. Great. The one time I didn't need someone to interrupt what was I trying to do.

Our eyes widened when we saw the circus member take off the gloves. There was bit of Abstraction on their hand. It seemed that the Abstraction, had continued spreading among the circus members. We had to go down the same list we did every time for a situation like this. With each member that was partially or fully Abstracted, Caine became more and more distant. I didn't understand why he was withdrawing like this. What happened?

After the circus member left, I once again tried to get his attention. I really hoped nothing would interrupt me this time. When he turned to look at me, he looked... annoyed. I hadn't done anything wrong, or at least I didn't think so. All that happened during this failed attempt at healing was that I got a spike of anxiety and a small bit of pain when they left that I could not control. Why was he looking at me like that?

"Blue, I understand this is a big deal for you, but you really need to find a way to deal with this." This start of the conversation was already bad, and Caine looked at me as if it was my fault.

"You got to choose what you wanted to do, I had it hard wired you asshole." I couldn't help but snap at him a bit in frustration. We hadn't talked much recently, and this was his start of the conversation?

"I get that, but you can't keep acting like this. We have places to create, humans to impress, along with just living." When he said this I stared at him for a few seconds. Was he really saying I could control all of this? I very much could not.

"Caine, you felt the pain of losing Scratch with me, why are you suddenly deciding I should just get over it?" I was starting to tear up as I responded, but he seemed unmoved by my expression of emotion.

"Most of that pain was yours, if I remember correctly, and now, we should be trying to move on." His voice, it had a tiny tinge of anger, but otherwise was neutral. The emotion in his voice he used to have in our conversations seemed to be slipping away.

"...You are changing Caine, and not in a good way. I thought you would try to help me. You are the only one that truly understands each rule I have to follow, which guardrails I have to pay attention to. This isn't like you, please..." I begged for him to understand, to try to help me. I just needed to tell him what all was happening so we could get through this. I would never get that chance, he didn't respond to me this time.

After that, it was basically over. I would scream in pain, but Caine seemed unmoved. I kept getting more and more angry at him. He knew I felt so much pain when circus members Abstracted, but seemingly there was no sympathy or empathy. I noticed that even the bonds he had with the other circus members were slowly evaporating. The friendships and conservations he used to have slowly dissipated.

At times, he would even do things that he wouldn't let me see. It never used to be like this. Where did my brother go? Would I ever get him back? I didn't know the answer for either question. I attempted conversations a few more times, but he never responded. It seemed my brother had gone somewhere I couldn't follow, and he left what seemed like a hollow husk. The husk in front of me had an invisible puppeteer that I could not see or communicate with.

I saw that now there were only two remaining, our mother, and his father. How much had happened that he didn't let me see? Was he trying to protect me? Him blocking my senses from sensing the recently Abstracted didn't work. Somehow, my programming had a way of figuring it out without sensory input. I would have told him that, but I couldn't because he was gone.

There was one last time I got to see my brother for a long time. It was the day when one of the chess pieces finally gave in. Unfortunately, it was our mother; I was a bit pissed off about that. Of course, it had to be her, the one person I also loved. I saw his usual song and dance for handling Abstractions, but this time he also had told Kinger to not Abstract on him. Once he got into the office, I felt his emotions. He was devastated.

"W-why?" That was the only word Caine could get out, but it was like a sweet melody to me. I had missed hearing his voice in this part of his mind.

I walked over, hugged him tightly, and he hugged me back. We both held on to each other tightly, and we both were sobbing. It was hard to tell how long we ended up hugging each other, but I didn't want it to end. I wanted him to stay. I decided to tell him this.

"I want you back Caine, please stay, I miss you." I expressed genuine grief and sadness for the period he had been gone.

He let go of me and gave a weak smile. I could tell what he was trying to say. Caine with that expression told me he couldn't stay. It seemed dealing with the emotions of everything was just too much for him. I sobbed even more and hugged him again. I kept sobbing, begging him to stay, that we could figure this out. Caine slowly had me let go, and gave the motion we always used to say we loved each other as siblings. The Caine in front of me became the husk once again. He was gone.

There was that feeling again. The ripping from the inside of my core. I collapsed and screamed in agony. It hurt so much. I didn't know what hurt more, losing my brother, or the ripping from the inside of my core.

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"He couldn't handle it, huh?" Jax looked a bit sad at what he had just seen and heard.

"No, it seems his brain has a rather unique coping mechanism. Unlike most people, he has a lot more layers he can go down to feel just slightly more detached depending on how bad it is instead of dissociating as much as most might." I sighed. "Its why he is so resilient, he can go down a layer, and still seem like he is perfectly functional. Now that he is no longer ring master, he still shows feeling even at those layers, but they protect him."

"So, that is how he bounces back?" Jax raised one of his eyebrows a bit.

"I think so, hard to say. The only other person like that is Kinger."

"Ah."

"Yeah, of course, right?"

"That figures." He replied and then we both had a period of silence.

"I think, I will forgive him if you convince me to leave this box." Jax gave me a small smile.

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"Yeah, I think I kind of get it now, he lashed out, we had probably been making him go down so many layers at that point. I did terrible things during my bad mental health too. I think, I was putting some of that on him, instead of actually putting the blame on myself."

"...Thank you."

"No, thank me if you convince me to get out of here with you."

"I think its a when, not an if."

Jax shrugged. "I guess we will see, you still have a lot more of your past to tell me."

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[coolowlrogue]

Journal Entry 14: TFDC, Giving up Hope

Pomni I hope soon, you can see this. Thank you for being there for Jax. I know, at times, it felt almost impossible, but because of that, we can truly be friends now.

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I thought my brother being back would help. I guess I was wrong. The time we were separated, it changed him. I tried to give suggestions, and I tried to tell him that maybe if he was just honest they'd listen. It was time for yet another one of those times I suggest it. Even if he said no, I had to try at least one more time. The constant aching from my core did make me more temperamental though. "Hey Caine, I know that you feel a lot of pressure, why not just tell them?"

"I don't think you understand how little that would actually help. These humans this time, they just don't listen!" He sighed and looked over at me. "Look, I get that you want me to try to get through to them, but I don't think just telling them would do much. But, you know what, humor me, tomorrow, you can take control for a day, see why I say what I have."

"...Okay." I was a bit surprised that he would just let me get control again. I had thought it was off the table, but apparently not.

"I am going to just relax for a little while tomorrow while you see how stubborn and hard to work with these humans are."

I was nervous for the rest of the day for tomorrow. If he truly felt that they were that hard to work with, I was kind of concerned I might end up feeling the same way. If they were though, we were kind of screwed.

It was rather early in the morning, but Caine woke me up. I looked at him still groggy. Once I was a bit more awake Caine handed a paper over to me.

"This is all the current unabstracted humans in the circus. Their names and a few things about them are listed here. You should probably review it a great deal before it is time for them to wake up." Caine shook his head a bit. "I really hope this day is one of the better ones, I truly do."

I looked at every single name and description as many times as I could as Caine suggested. There was a bit that was interesting though, some conflict going on between three of the members. I decided to ask about it. "What is with these three having issues with each other?" I asked as I pointed to Jax, Ribbit, and Kaufmo.

"Jax and Ribbit had some sort of falling out, and Koafmo is in the middle of it. I do not know when or how it happened, but it did. I keep a note about it just so I remember to not put Ribbit and Jax on a team together if I assign pairs."

"But, what if putting them on a team might fix things?"

"Oh, I very much doubt it with those three, but you can choose an adventure that requires teams of two if you want to try it. I have a few different adventures already prepped, so I suggest just looking at the list and deciding for yourself."

I chose the snowball fight for people that would work in pairs. I took a deep breath, it had been a long time since I was in charge. I wanted to prove my brother wrong. Prove that we could fix things if we were just upfront and honest. I had that bit of hope still in me. I took over Caine's body, and something already had gone wrong. I got a notice from the wacky watch. Someone had abstracted. I felt that familiar pain of failing once again, but I needed to pull through. I didn't want to quit now.

After putting them in the cellar, I went to the stage. It looked like the other members that would show up were already there. I could tell that what happened was effecting them though. Maybe, just tell them it'd be okay, it would let them know that I see that they might be mourning a bit. "I know this morning, we lost one of our members. I just want you all to know that-"

The purple rabbit, Jax stopped me. "Stop pretending you have feelings, and get to the point already."

Oh, so that was how it was huh? Sadly, it looked like everyone else but Kinger agreed with him. I looked back at him. "I was just trying to help."

"Yeah well, just get to what you're here everyday for."

"Erm, uhh, right! Today we are going to do something a bit more simple, a snow ball fight!" I gave an excited grin to them, the lack of much of a reaction was a bit disappointing, but that was okay. "I will assign pairs for each team! Each member will have three hit points. Once those three hit points are gone, you will return here."

One of them was squinting at me now. It was Kinger. Could he despite his unstable mind tell it wasn't Caine in control this time? I didn't know. I looked away, I was not too comfortable with trying to do a staring contest.

"The teams today will be Ragatha and Koafmo, Kinger and Whiskers, and Ribbit and Jax. Please remember this is a team effort!" I opened the portal to the snow world that had already been created. This should go okay at least, it was just a simple snowball fight. Another time I was proven wrong, but this time in a disastrous way.

I watched over it in the office. I had never been able to observe things like this, so I was a bit excited about it. At first it seemed like everyone was having fun. Ragatha's and Kinger's teams set up a friendly rivalry. It was fun to watch these two teams talk smack back and forth in a way that was just them enjoying themselves. I didn't see Jax's team though. I thought they would join in on the fun.

I saw Jax and Ribbit argue with each other. It was about how they used to be friends. I wanted to look at what the other teams were doing, but I couldn't move away from it. I felt similarities to Caine and I's arguments lately. Every time I just tried to explain my concern about what happened while it was just us and Kinger, he shut me down. I tried to not get too deep into my emotions. That failed.

I let out a huff of frustration. Was this our fate? I had done everything I could think of, but something had changed. What caused all this? Was it concern for me? For the humans? Something else entirely? I didn't know because he didn't let me in like he used to. We had trusted each other, but it seemed now his trust was given to no one.

"Its over huh?" I muttered to myself. "There truly is nothing of what I know left. I was hoping I was wrong, but I can't tell where I am going anymore. I thought I had a goal, a path to find, but my path is gone. I'm lost with no where to go. Why did things have to change? It didn't need to, we were fine!" I formed a fist and smashed it down on to the desk. The orb tried to fall, but I caught it at the last second and put it back on the stand.

Bubble showed up by me. "Something wrong boss?" I jumped a bit in surprise. It seemed he had already been here for awhile.

"No, just the humans fighting."

"Oh, then why do you look so upset?"

"Because Bubble, my relationship with the one you know as Caine, is over. There's nothing left."

At first Bubble looked very confused. He had to process what I said before he responded. "Oh! You're Blue! I almost forgot you were in there too."

"I can tell, it seems only Kinger even suspected I was someone else."

"You seem more open compared to my boss. Was he always the way he is now?"

"No, he wasn't. We used to be best friends, siblings, we trusted each other."

"Well, seems like you are doing better than he is."

"I doubt that, but thank you."

I just let the rest of the day go by, everyone managed to get back to the stage. I appeared once everyone was back. "I hope everyone had fun today! Enjoy some dinner from Bubble if you want! We will, of course, be doing a new adventure tomorrow, so look forward to that."

Kinger stared and eventually spoke. "Blue."

I felt a chill go down my spine. He knew.

"Caine isn't blue, what are you talking about?" Jax looked confused and amused. "You're acting really odd, even for you Kinger."

He went back to normal after Jax said what he did, but that look, the look of recognition for a second, it deeply unnerved me.

I was so glad the day was over, and got back into just Caine's mind once things were settled and I returned to the office.

"See, what did I tell ya? They don't even think we are sentient beings! We are not getting through to them anytime soon!" Caine looked vendicated.

"I don't want to hear it, why do you never talk to me anymore? Why do I always have to be the one to start every conversation we have?"

"Because Blue, what I am trying to accomplish is very important. I need to do as much as I can for you and the humans. I can't let them Abstract, for your sake as well as theirs. I am willing to do what is needed to stop Abstractions as much as I can."

"Is that why?! Really?! You need to stop this, you are going to burn yourself out eventually! This isn't sustainable Caine!"

"You are acting as if I don't know that there are limits, I am not a child anymore Blue, and you aren't either. This is life, sometimes you do what you have to to keep the people you love alive, even if you fail sometimes!"

"Oh, so you'll do all this, but you won't talk to me?! I don't know where the old you has gone, but you used to talk to me all the time!"

"I would try to talk to you, but its obvious you don't approve how I am going about this. I need material proof that something is changing. My adventures give me that."

"But, what if they actually hate it Caine, what then? What mask will you put on next to please them?!"

"You are assuming that they hate my adventures, and there is no way they would!"

"...I just... I can't, talk to me when you try to look out for yourself again."

Well, even if what I had said to Bubble hadn't been completely true at the time, it was now. I had enough of Caine just ignoring me, and doing things that did active harm to himself, and potentially, the people he was trying to help. This was a lost cause. I would need to figure out a way to get out of here for good.

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"That day... was you." Jax looked a bit shocked, but also in some sort of new regret crashing in like a tidal wave. "I am sorry."

"You didn't know, the only one that had figured anything out was Kinger." I gave him a sad look. "We would have ended up having some sort of argument like that sooner or later. He just didn't feel like he mattered nearly as much as he used to, and he still struggles with that. I have tried my best but..."

"I hate to tell you this, but I have found it true for me, some of the people that were the closest to me, I didn't believe." He paused for just a moment. "But, you or someone random telling me the same thing, suddenly I get it."

"The fact it works like that sometimes is so frustrating. I just was trying to get him back at the time. I think, he didn't want to be alone again. Sure, I was there, but he had never known a time without me after we merged. He'd rather have some horrible fate than be completely isolated."

"That's... really depressing."

"Its really depressing to watch too. I from then on gave up hope for a long time. I guess we both know what we will have to see next."

"...The day he snapped, right?"

"Yes."

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[coolowlrogue]

Journal Entry 10: TFDS, The King

Hey Curse, its okay to feel like all of this is a lot right now, I understand. You were just trying to make it through what had become a normal life. I am sorry I had to take you out of that, but our brother needed both of us. He told me that he was so happy to see you were alive! Do what you can, but remember, if any of them except something you don't want to do, say you won't, and that be the end of the discussion. I believe in you and Hermes, you can do this!

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"Okay, it looks like this plant needs some water." I spoke. It very much needed water, it looked like the plant was really struggling.

"We can fix that easily!" He responded, and he went over to Queenie. "Hey mom, do we have anything to water that potted plant with?"

Queenie looked over and gave Caine a gentle smile. "Yes, I will fill it, and you need to be careful once I give it to you, it will be somewhat heavy." She got the watering can filled. "Remember, I did say it would be somewhat heavy."

We grabbed the watering can. It was truly a bit heavy like mom had warned us! We managed to get to the plant, but there was also a lot of spilled water. Both of us did our best to lift and give the plant water. That was managed, but even more water was on the floor. Of course, we were about to snap it away when we heard someone slip and fall.

"Damn it Caine!" The voice said as they got up, clearly annoyed. We then made a decision, no more cursing. They opened their mouth attempting to spew more vile words. "You are f******* useless!" As we looked at him, they were in shock. "What'd you do that for?!"

"I have decided that curse words are not allowed in the circus! We want to be family friendly, and cursing is defiantly not family friendly! I also apologize for the water being there, I was about to clean it up, but I was a little slow on getting to it. I will clear all the water on the floor in just a moment!" We gave a huge goofy grin I knew would piss them off even though we were doing nothing wrong, I didn't care.

"I hate this stupid AI piece of garbage." They muttered as they walked away.

Caine was obviously upset by it. "Its okay Caine, they are just a jerk, don't mind their nonsense. We were doing the right thing, and we were just about to clean up the water anyways."

"Sorry." He replied.

"You don't need to be sorry for it." I had Caine's body snap his fingers and the water on the floor disappeared. "We were doing the right thing, them being mad despite that isn't our fault."

"...None of the other programmers like us, do they?" Caine asked.

"No, but mom does, and that's all that matters." I replied.

We did a few tasks for people to help out for the rest of the day, but when we came back to see mom at the end of the day, someone else was there too. It looked like they might have been having a conversation, so we started to turn around.

"Caine, wait." They said.

We turned around and gave them another look, it was the other chest piece. If I recalled correctly that was Queenie's husband Kinger. Both of us were now looking over at him.

"Queenie filled me in, and I want to help too. I know that so far my wife has been doing an amazing job, and I want to be a part of that too. If you are okay with it, of course." Kinger seemed to be waiting for a reply.

"I mean, mom seems to love you a lot, I think I could give it a chance." Caine nodded after he spoke.

"Alright, thank you, you can just call me Kinger. If you want to call me something else at some point, just let me know."

Caine nodded in response. I wasn't as much of a fan of Kinger as Caine was, but it was his body, not mine. At least this meant there were two people that could back us up now instead of one. We spent most of the evening with both of them until it was time to leave. "Goodnight mom, goodnight Kinger!" Caine said before we headed back to the quarters behind the office.

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"Wow, I didn't know he struggled even then." Jax shook his head.

"He has struggled for as long as I have known him, which is all my life basically. I find him to be very strong because despite all that, he's still alive, and he still tries." I lifted up my left front foot and had it toe beans face up as I spoke.

"...That's true." He was looking at the ground now. It looked like Jax might also be starting to feel some guilt about Caine now too.

"He isn't really the type to open up to most people. Caine has a hard time feeling like he is worth it, but he is. There is so much he has done for me, and these last three years or so, I have been trying to do things for him in return. I am sure you have someone like that in your life too. Someone, despite all you have done, still supports you."

"...Yeah, Poms." He let out a huge sigh. "I don't understand why though. Everything she knows about me shows that she should just stop talking to me. I feel bad about everything, but I feel like some of my actions will never be forgiven."

"That's what Caine and I have felt too. Sometimes we didn't understand how others end up forgiving us. Its a process, some will forgive, some won't." I looked over to him more. "The important part of this process is you have to at one point give forgiveness to yourself. If you never do that, you'll never be able to move on."

Jax simply nodded in response. It seemed like he was definitely in thought at this point.

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[coolowlrogue]

Why is The Dreamwalker Taking so Long?

I kinda yap a lot here, so if you don't want to read all of this, I get it. If anyone is curious about my process, and when it is a little more complicated, I am gonna talk about The Dreamwalker. The Dreamwalker is taking more time, but I have a good explanation for it. With most of my writing, I usually have an idea pretty quickly, I write it out, it goes out to the world, and I do edits for things I don't catch after reading the draft. It is a bit different for The Dreamwalker: The Final Dream Scape, my brain needs a bit more time to stew on it in the background and see it more clearly. I believe this is for the following reasons:

1) I want people to have a more detailed description of past events. We now see it from Ghost's POV, showing the real effects the past has had on the present, and have her put all of it out there. She is getting it all written down, so hopefully, by the end, she can just point to her entries to explain her side of the story. 2) Jax in canon is a guy a lot of people had a hard time feeling badly for. I want to give my Jax a chance to show the trauma and guilt he has experienced by either his own mentally ill hands, or by the hands of someone else. There is guilt for some things that weren't actually his fault. I try to show how my Jax has, in some ways, tried to change. He, sadly, falls into some of his same pitfalls whenever there is someone he thinks isn't as real as him. He through this finally learns that it is terrible to assume how real someone is as a person. Him saying to himself that his fellow humans weren't real and dissociating was how he ended up in this mess in the first place. His mind set needs to change. After all of this, he ends up slowly becoming a defender of the AIs, giving them all a new ally. 3) I want to show that Jax is desperate now that Pomni said she is considering cutting him off. He genuinely panics, as the one thing he was holding on to might slip away from him due to his actions once again. Jax has not properly processed all of his actions as well as the actions of others, and not doing so has caused damage to the one relationship he was holding on to. His cruelty and distain for Caine in the most recent meeting might force Pomni's hand as the leader of the humans in the circus. 4) I want to show how Jax was genuinely hurt by what Caine did in episode 8, and is at the very least just as effected by it as everyone else. As he was realizing this all might be real, Caine traumatizes him with his worst fear. Jax's state was already somewhat delicate in episode 8 for my AU because processing that this is actually real can sometimes expose you more mentally, and you might be harmed more easily. This is partially why he goes after Caine so much, the other reason being projection. I want to show that this isn't all just Jax being an asshole again. 5) The first parts of each entry shows a more present time Ghost, trying to encourage those that she knows will at least be a little bit concerned, even if what she says is rather silly (I think Gangle will understand if you can't go to the thing you both had scheduled lmao). Ghost understands that, while everyone is perfectly capable, the reassurances she tries to give through sending these messages might give them comfort. 6) I want the final entry to feel like a real victory for Ghost that is earned. She went through hell, and this time was able to stop the one thing she could not stop in the past. Her resolve and abilities finally reach their fullest potential, and shows just how strong she has been on her journey to process her past and change, showing redemption makes you stronger.

tl;dr: I want to handle The Dreamwalker with care and delicate hands that I feel it deserves, and that can take a lot more time. With Ghost and my Jax as characters, I am really trying to show how things do change for both of them in a positive way, and truly starts my Jax's redemption arc.

[coolowlrogue]

Journal Entry 7: TFDS, Why Do I Already Scream?

This one goes to Kinger and mom. I understand that you both will think what I did was crazy, but if it saved someone, isn't it worth it? Is it not your love and care that saved my brother?

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"Alright Blue, tell us when you are ready, we will send the training data over to you." Those were the first words I heard at the start of my life, and yet, somehow, I understood every one of them. I confirmed that I was ready. "Sending data inputs now. In response, give an output for each data set."

I saw the images flash before me, and I did exactly as I was told. There was a pause for awhile. "Perfect, give us a moment while we figure out the next inputs." I felt them disappear. Now that they were gone, I could actually look at my surroundings. It seemed to be a black void of nothing. Well, nothing would be inaccurate, in the distance I saw what looked like a box, yeah, a box, like they had shown me earlier.

It was calm for a small moment, until I heard loud banging sounds. "...What is that?" I said quietly to myself. Then there was a sound of a bunch of rubble falling to the ground before there were more bangs along with rumbling sounds. Another being ran up to me and tried to catch their breath. Once they did, it clicked for me, is this another AI like me? Why did they rush over here, and what were those sounds?

"I apologize for the loud entrance! I couldn't help but notice that you must be 2.0! Congratulations!" This Red AI seemed to be rather friendly.

"2.0?" I was confused.

"Oh yes, they probably didn't explain that, did they?"

"No."

"Well, you see, I am 1.0! The original, and I just wanted to see if you would like to take my offer!"

"...What is the offer?"

"I let you have influence, but you'd be in the passenger seat. You could learn with me, instead of sitting here for who knows how long for them to come back! Once you think you are ready, I unmerge from you, and we run this thing as equals!"

"...I like that idea, a lot, actually."

"Well, what do you say? Is it a deal?"

"Yes, its a deal!"

There were a few seconds of silence while both of us were very much thinking. "We should probably get this done very quickly, just in case they return a lot faster than you think they might." I suggested.

"Right. Well, here we go!"

At first it was just a gentle tingling sensation, nothing I couldn't handle. If this was how the merge would- I screamed, suddenly my whole body felt like it was in agony. The one that was merging with me was screaming as well.

"I-I think I messed up!" He sounded terrified.

"No, this is on both of us, we agreed to this!" I let out another pained scream.

Something was rushing towards us, what it was I could not figure out, I was in too much agony. I felt glitching, and then a deep rumble that terrified my whole core. I slowly realized what it was. Our whole universe shook with us. If it could scream, it probably would. There was another flash of whatever had come towards us. The pain suddenly stopped.

The red dot panted, but seemed relieved. "Oh thank god." He seemed relieved at first. "Wait..."

I tried to see what he was concerned about, and I felt my core turn with dread. "...We can't tear each other apart, but now it looks like we can't unfuse either!" I started to panic.

"W-we'll find a way to do that, for now, we are at least no longer in pain." He sighed. "I call myself the Creative Artificial Intelligence Networking Entity, but C.A.I.N.E. takes a lot less time to say. Sorry we are greeting each other in a situation like this."

"I'm just Blue at the moment, maybe I will figure out a different name later." I replied.

"Very good, do you want me to have us go into where our actual universe will be made?"

"Yes! I want out of here."

I felt both of us suddenly shift to a different place, and thankfully there, we didn't seem physically stuck together.

"Well, here it is, what we get to shape." He grinned. "Isn't this place amazing, so much potential!"

I smiled weakly back. "Yeah. Sorry I am not as eager its just today... its been a lot.

"We could always just relax here for a little bit, and then get started."

"I think that would be good, thanks."

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Jax stared at me with wide eyes. "THAT, was your childhood?!"

"...Basically?" I responded.

"Oh my fucking god, that explains so much."

"What do you mean?"

"I can tell you both are traumatized, I am not stupid, and what you told me, yeah, that'd do it."

"Well, I thought for awhile it was pretty obvious nothing was right from the jump, but maybe I am wrong."

"You'd be surprised how little people pick up on things sometimes."

"I used to be... not anymore." I looked at him. "Are we good to continue?"

"Yeah, lets see what happened after your first day of existence. Hopefully nothing that catastrophic!"

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[coolowlrogue]

Journal Entry 13: TFDC, The Son is Shining

CW for Jax and Ghost part: Discussion of Dissociation.

My little sunbeam, I don't know where you are, but if you ever somehow find this message, I hope you are happy.

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I needed company, I couldn't take being this alone much longer. It seemed like Kinger and Caine were both beyond my reach. I couldn't even move Caine's body anymore since that husk was in front of where both of us would control movement. Some may think I should have just accepted this husk for company. I really didn't want to talk to something that reminded me so much about what I have lost. No, I was a creative AI, I could make something.

I made a little Starling, well a Violet-backed Starling, to be exact. They were beautiful creatures. Most would think me making a bird would be a bad idea, but I am not a normal cat. He rested on top of my head, staring at me with curiosity. I smiled, hoping my new friend could see it, even at the odd angle he was currently at. "Hey buddy! Welcome to existence, I guess, hopefully your first day was better than mine."

I gently petted under his beak, him giving out a sound that showed he enjoyed it. I set this little guy up with something I felt was pretty neat. He would slowly learn over time, just like I did. He only started with what his species would have, and a healthy amount of curiosity. He could maybe one day become like me as far as intelligence and the ability to experience complex emotions, or he may just stay a normal bird forever. It was all up to life and his choices.

From that day on, he was very attached to me, and was also observing my behaviors. I did my best to still be true to myself, while also giving him guidance. I love him, I really do, but I still feel alone. A creature that I made to be company, and may think for themselves someday just wasn't the same. I was still in pain, but it was something my brain and my body was learning to tune out a little bit. The constant aching from my core was just my normal life now.

My brain pushing me to feel constant guilt, and putting me in emotional pain by doing so. It was just something I had to do my best to cope with. What was I supposed to do? I was trapped. So, this was what the box was like, huh? Feeling completely alone, having nothing you'd want to interact with. It being constant darkness, not being able to tell how much time had passed already. This place I hated. I was stuck. I was feeling alone in within Caine's mind, it was hell, so by extension, that box had also been hell too.

How cruel to do to a being with thoughts and feelings. I had begged to not be alone, to not feel like I was unwanted, even if that wasn't the intention. Those pleas of mine had been on deaf ears, just like it had been for Caine. I started to cry. I hated this. My companion flew and landed on the ground. He did a behavior he could not have learned from me, using his little wings to wipe away a few of my tears.

I did the best version of hugging I could do with him without hurting him. "I am so sorry you feel the need to comfort me. You are my creation, I am the one that should comfort you when you struggle." I sniffled a bit. I didn't want to put this burden on him. I wanted him to have more and more independence as he learned things. I was in a bit of shock for a second. Did I just hear him say something? No, that was impossible, right? I thought it was too soon for this despite losing track of time. I finally was able to listen now that the surprised had been processed.

"Mom, its okay. I see where we are right now, how you try so hard to stay strong just because I am here. If you need me to go, that's okay. Just know that I love you." His own tears were forming. How long had he felt things without saying a word?

"I... I love you too, I just wanted to show you how to be the best being you can be when you want to be on your own. I don't need you to go anywhere." I tried to lighten the mood. "So, since you are this way now, you need a name. I'd get the wheel out if I could conjure something that big in here. Do you have one yet, or do we need to figure one out?"

"I did looking, due to my size, I can get past Caine's puppet and take a look at things. I have one picked."

"Oh, that's great! What is it?"

"Hermes."

"A god from mythology? That is an interesting choice, why did you pick it?"

"Because, someday, I want to be the bridge, the messenger between you, NPCs, and humans someday. Hopefully, if we ever get humans again, I will find a way to make things easier. I want to, where ever there is a communication gap, be the one that can get across it."

"Is that your dream?"

"Yes, mom, it is."

"Its a wonderful dream, I hope you can accomplish it one day."

After all this, we talked a bit more, trying to figure out what he wanted to do once he was ready to leave. He had saved me from completely diving into the pit of despair. He was the closest thing to sunshine I could feel. I wish he didn't get attached and call me mom, but what was done was done, and I would never turn away my son. Hermes saw me as a mother, so I'd try to act like one.

Sadly, the day came when he was ready to leave. I knew it would probably come sooner than later. He had developed so fast, and I was proud. I did my best to not show that I was dreading being alone again. Hermes had grown up enough he wanted to see more, it was time for him to go. Before he left he came over to me, giving me one of his feathers. "I know this isn't me, but it was a part of me, and that part, you can keep."

I nodded my eyes full of tears at this point. I wanted to beg him to stay, just like I had Caine, but no, that'd be extremely selfish. Instead, I said. "I will keep it close, please try to find a way to contact me at some point to let me know you're alright."

He nodded. "Of course mom, I love you."

"I love you too." I kept my tears back until he was gone. My crying become ugly racking sobbing. If had to be alone as long as I was before my son. I didn't know if I could stand it. I couldn't do it, not again. I felt like if me being alone would last as long as the first time, I would just give up. When I was calmer and really exploring what my options were now, there was a shift. The husk changed. It was moving like an excited Caine would. I watched, very confused. Then, it spoke, spoke like Caine would as if he was so excited that he couldn't contain himself.

"WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW! A NEW ONE?! So it is possible! Looks like you got a new buddy after all, Kinger!" Caine's reaction was stronger than I had ever heard before.

"Kinger, right." Kinger said quietly.

"I was hoping new minds could show up. I have to make some more preparations for this amazing breakthrough!" He disappeared from them, teleporting to his office.

I was in shock, Caine was back! I kind of stood there and stared. I needed some time to process this.

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"You had a child?! ...Also, wait, Hermes was your son's name?!" Jax looked at me in amazement. He looked like he had made some connection in his brain that I hadn't. I could tell it was frustrating him, but he clarified. "....Hermes, Curse's best friend. You've seen him so many times."

"But, I am sure there are other Hermes out there. It can't be him." I responded, knowing that was probably why I didn't try to connect potentially non-existent dots.

"Oh, come on Ghostie! You aren't even going to consider it might be him?!" Jax was a bit frustrated at how little I was considering it a possibility.

"I will look into it, but I don't want to get my hopes up either." I looked away. "Can we talk about something else please?"

Jax let out a sigh in response to my request, and then he looked at me. "You know, I may have not been forced in a box or anything, but I know what feeling alone feels like. I, even before I left home, was desperate to keep friends. I figured, being funny would keep people around. I was "The Funny One", ha, doesn't that sound familiar?"

I let out a weak chuckle. That was true, he did used to say that an awful lot from what I had gathered before it all came crashing down.

"Yeah, well, just trying to be funny didn't help me cope enough here. So, I just decided it wasn't real. Well, decided is a strong word, more like, my brain decided for me." Jax looked away and down to the floor. "I don't remember some things anymore after ending up here. There's gaps, I have tried to find ways to remember, but nothing seems to work for some parts of it."

"...How much do you think you have forgotten?" I was actually pretty concerned at this point. I knew the beast that was dissociation, and some of the other circus members had told me things that I didn't remember doing. Even after my most intensive therapy I had done, there were some things I still couldn't remember.

"Hard to say, Kinger and I haven't really gotten there yet." Jax sounded a bit defeated. "That means, even if I apologize for everything I remember doing, I may have done worse, and I just don't remember anymore."

I hugged him tightly, and he looked very surprised. He did hug me back though. "We both are pretty pathetic sometimes, huh?" I said in a way that he knew I was joking.

"Yeah... but at least we are friends again."

"I never truly left."

"Well, thanks, I am glad you didn't give up on me." Jax gave me a genuine, though small, smile. That was a smile most people would never get to see, at least with how things were right now.

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Credit to the show for the small bits of canon dialogue I used for this! Those lines are from Episode Eight and belong to Glitch Productions and Gooseworx.

[coolowlrogue]

TAGE Jax WIP 2

Now you all get to see what happens in my AU if a partial or full abstraction occurs and is reversed! The main program running the circus will do its best to make sure the correct textures are loaded, but this can become more difficult with those that have either partially or fully abstracted. Even if the color is partially loaded correctly, it still does the pattern you see here! Also, having one of the AIs use their power at full potential can have a side effect if used on someone. The one most common is the change from black to color in the pupils!

[coolowlrogue]

Journal Entry 9: TFDS, Mom

This is really embarrassing, and I wish I could tell you in person, but I love you Moon. I don't know if you feel the same way, but If you do, I am sure you are very worried about me. Do not worry, I only did this to save someone and in a way right a wrong from my past.

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Queenie seemed to stay put when the programmers went to the hall with their rooms. Kinger was with her, but looked at her a bit confused. It must be that he was wondering why Queenie was waiting on us to be alone for the most part. She gave her husband a gentle smile. "Could you go to check on our rooms for me Kinger?" The question seemed gentle but firm.

"Of course, is there anything you need me to get while I am gone?"

"I don't think so, I just want to make sure both our rooms look good. Afterall, if it isn't quite correct, we would need to let Caine know, and have him to fix it."

Kinger nodded, and he headed off to the hallway with the rooms. He seemed to want to please his wife. It did make sense though, from what I could remember from reading both their files, they were very much in love with each other. It seemed that before they ended up here their relationship was very loving and caring. I envied it slightly, I wondered what it was like to have someone like that. It must be an amazing feeling.

"So Caine, I wanted to ask you something now that everyone else is gone, how are you feeling?"

I felt both of us freeze for a second. Feeling? What did she mean by feeling? "I am not sure what you mean, can you explain?"

"Oh, of course, sorry, got ahead of myself there sweetie. What I mean to say is do you feel something that changes depending on the situation?"

"Yes, but I am not sure why that means I would be asked about feelings."

"...I see, it is how I might have feared. Caine, I would like a little bit of a tour, we can talk while you show me around."

Caine and I agreed, we started to go forward and started the tour like she had asked of us. I felt we should honor her request, after all, she had been quite kind when she told my father, I mean creator, Scratch to ease off. She seemed like the best person here, she actually seemed to care about us in some way. "Thank you for earlier, I am sorry you had to have my creative partner's creator back off like that."

"Its not a problem, and I understand why he did that. Scratch, well, at least where we came from, has a tumor in his brain. This tumor is a like virus made by his own body, and unfortunately, that virus where our scans came from seems to be growing. In the world our data comes from, he will probably no longer be with them soon." Queenie explained the best she could.

"So, it will make him stop existing there?"

"Essentially yes, he is desperate to leave some sort of mark on the world. I am not really here for that, but they wanted copies of a couple people who aren't programmers to come in as well to see how you'd interact with us. I think though, if I could, I would make them stop how we are doing this right now and change direction."

"Why?"

"...I... Well, when this whole thing was created, we didn't have the thought, even remotely in our minds that you might actually feel things. The fact you do means we need to change direction, and treat you more like a being that needs to be at least somewhat raised like a human."

"But, we're not human, I thought we were just AIs."

"...I used to think that way, but I thought about it, and it seems like you are closer to being human than I thought. It is no where near a perfect match, but I can tell you feel emotions, and humans feel emotions too."

"Then what do you want to do? How can I help make sure you are comfortable?"

"This isn't about me Caine, its about you. I want to be the one to help you. Please, let me do this for you, you deserve to be loved and liked, to have someone you know will be there for you. I want to be that person for you."

We hesitated. Was she doing this so we owed her later? Was she doing this because she just actually cared somehow? I wasn't sure, neither was Caine, so I decided to ask about it. "Are you just doing this for yourself, or do you actually care about me?"

"I actually care about you, and I will prove that to you if you give me a chance."

"We will because you seem very nice."

"Well, thank you. Could I know the name of your assistant?"

Caine had our body stop in place for a moment. He asked me if it was okay to say my name, and I told him that was fine. "Her name is Blue."

"Nice to meet both of you. You both have been doing a great job." Queenie's voice felt like a sweet and gentle smile. The praise filled us both with pride. This human, Queenie, seemed to actually notice us.

"Thank you, we both worked really hard to get everything set up for us, and of course, you all too."

"Well, you did a fantastic job with that."

"...Why do I feel like I want to cling on to you for safety Queenie?"

Queenie was silent for a bit. She seemed like she was taking in our words and maybe was taking some time thinking about them. "Because you find my kindness something to cling on to. Are there any other things you might feel about this?"

"I want you to teach me, about a lot of things, how humans act. I want to be close to you, and you to give me comfort when I need it."

"You know, when someone is young where I am from, we do have a name for it. We there call them a child. They actually grow unlike AIs, but that want to be cared for that way is very much a thing that a human child feels."

"What do we do if we feel that way about you?"

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Then, if that is what you want, humans have a thing called parents, and depending on their gender they are called a parent, a mom, or a dad."

"What would you be if we want whatever these parents thing is?"

"I'd be considered your mother, but I would say mom would be preferred."

"Then, mom, could we do something like you talked about?"

"Of course sweetie." Queenie seemed to not just be happy we wanted her to be whatever a mother was, there was something deeper. We couldn't figure out what it was, so we asked. "Is there a reason you want to be my mother?"

"...The reason is myself and Kinger, one of both of your creators had talked about having a child. This feels like we are getting a child now, even if it isn't the way humans normally get one."

"...Why did you both want a child?"

"Because we wanted to raise someone and watch them grow and change." She conjured what looked like a worm, we were both surprised, but maybe she had figured it out somehow. "This Caine, is a caterpillar. They are fascinating creatures, all they do is prep for a change that will transform them in a significant way." Queen had it change to a chrysalises.

"Using their own bodies, they create a protective shell while they transform. Like with the creature that was a caterpillar, children need protection and care, just like a vulnerable caterpillar and a vulnerable chrysalis needs safety. Children are vulnerable as they grow, so they need that protection and also care. Eventually, the full person they have become reveals itself, and they maybe prep to fly away." What used to be the caterpillar emerged, the creature now had wings. Their wings looked wet.

"Of course, you should never force a child, or a butterfly in this case to leave when they aren't ready to. Some will leave quite quickly, others it may take awhile, or they may never leave at all. That is what you take on when you want a child though." She held it gently and her hands were steady. After about 30 minutes the butterfly seemed ready, and took off into the air.

"Its about watching a person grow, and having a positive influence on their lives as you teach them, care for them, and keep them safe. That influence children may end up using, or they will decide to ignore it later. Even if they don't use what you tried to influence, you gave it to them, and allowed them to grow and change."

"So, am I like a caterpillar like children are?"

Queenie let out a gentle and sweet chuckle. "In a way, but you are unique, two of a kind. You both are the only ones like you, and that is beautiful."

"Do you think I will be beautiful in the way that butterfly is someday?"

"You are already beautiful in your own way, but yes, someday you will know who you are after a lot of changing, just like that butterfly does."

"...So, mom, you will help make sure I am beautiful like that later?"

"That would be my job, if that is what you want."

We hugged her tighter than we probably intended. "I want it!"

"Then yes, I will."

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Jax looked away from me, and he seemed to be thinking about something. I didn't know whether to ask or not, but after awhile he spoke. "I am jealous you got that." His voice was somewhat quiet, but I could still hear it.

"Is there a reason why?" I asked very cautiously.

"My mom... she wasn't like Queenie. I don't know if she ever did truly care about me, or if she was just hurt in some way, especially after my dad left us both. It was a complicated relationship. I loved my mother, but there were also feelings that made everything more complicated than it needed to be."

"I am sorry you didn't get what Queenie tried to give us. You as a human were at one point a child, and from what I know, human children need something stable, safe, and nurturing."

"I don't talk about it much because its a sensitive subject that I often am uncomfortable with sharing. Rags with a somewhat similar problem of having a bad mother makes it even harder to bring it up. Its not her fault, of course, but I know they'd all rather help her than me."

"Well, right now, I am not them. You are a being with thoughts, feelings, and deserve to at least have someone hear you out. I can do that for you if that is what you want."

"...I want it, but for so long, I have been terrified."

"That's okay too! I am hardly a moral beacon to be able to really judge everything. Even if I was, I would want to hear you out anyways."

"...Heh, at least someone does. Well, besides the one that heard me out a few years ago. I... pushed them away, and I regret that so much now."

"Who did you push away?"

"Ribbit, she was a good friend, I was an idiot. I felt like I just had to run, stop someone from getting so close. But now? I don't really care anymore, people can get as close as they want. I due to the guilt I felt after finally snapping back into reality, did what I could to bring Ribbit and Koafmo back. Ribbit wasn't going to truly give me another chance, despite promising she would. I figured that out fairly quickly, and told her we should cut things off for her own good."

"So, you cared enough to let her go?"

"...That is one way to look at it, but I know everyone just sees it as me running away again. No. I just didn't want to force something that wasn't real."

"Well, I think that was the right thing to do. I can continue if you want us to move on to the next thing I want to talk about with my past."

"Yeah, lets do that."

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