#to innie

[witchesmailbox]

Dear Peter,

I regret nothing.

Yours Truly.

[witchesmailbox]

Dear Pete.

I'm so so so sorry this took me so long to write. I didn't want to say bye to you. I still don't. I'm not good at words, not like you are. I tried writing some songs when you left the city, but none of them were really good. The ones I've tried writing now aren't either.

It's still hard to picture who I am without you, even though I've had to do it twice. Part of me is still convinced you're out there, and I'll find you again. I remember how we met out here. You had tea ready, even without knowing it was me.

I always loved you. I know you don't think anyone could, but I always did. Seeing you with Val hurt, but I just wanted you happy. And then..everything..happened, and you and I were together. Which I never thought would happen. And I hate you were taken from me, and I hate that you're gone, but I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I got to be happy with you for at least a little while. And I really hope you were happy too, because you deserved to be.

Val's getting better, me and Cherri are both here for him. I think I'm getting a little bit better too. I promise to protect our girl. Oh, also! Cherri and Val got a dog! His name is Milo and he's very cute. Penny doesn't like him but we're working on it.

I never really told you what happened in the zones before I met you. I guess we both didn't want to think about it. But there was someone who took someone close to me, and a week ago I killed him. I don't regret it, even though it hurt people around him. I have a bounty now. I'll stay safe, I promise.

I'll write you again. I miss you and I love you.

Love,

Trick

✉️

[witchesmailbox]

Hi, Innie.

Been thinking a lot about you, and us. Now that the shock is gone I have a lot to reflect on. Truthfully, it hurts. I don’t want to think about certain things but my mind goes where it wants, and I wanted no one but you for the longest time so it’s no surprise you are so often what my thoughts lead back to.

Thank you for loving me when no one else did. You were so brave. You saw the worst long before the best and you still took a chance. I know I should’ve spent more time making sure you felt loved instead of trying to save you. I’m sorry. I was too worried about the future to appreciate what was right in front of me. I wouldn’t be where I am now without you and I owe you so much.

I don’t think you’ve gotten a letter from Punk yet. He’ll come around. He misses you a lot. I’m sorry for getting between you and him. It always should’ve been you and him. Looking back it was so obvious but I didn’t see…no. I just didn’t want to see. We were supposed to be together forever, except we weren’t. You and him were. Thank you for choosing me, even though you shouldn’t have.

Sometimes I wonder if you’re finally not so sad. I hope so. In the end that’s really all I ever wanted for you.

Love you always, Lin.

✉️

[witchesmailbox]

to innie.

I'm so sorry. You were such a good kid, and a hard worker, and you had a way of caring about the people you loved more than yourself that was so stupid but so brave. I'm sorry for being with Val. Stupid thing to apologize for, but I hated hurting you at all. I'm sorry it was so messy He still loves you. And of course punk does too, he was such a mess

never mind. I'm sure you'll get a letter from him and I don't want to upset you.

I'll keep playing your music. I'll keep writing. And I'll take care of him. Both of them. I'll do my best.

thank you for everything. rest well.

cola

Not delivered.

[witchesmailbox]

to pete 

im sorry. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im so sorry. im sorry you're gone and im sorry im the reason why. theres a lump in my throat and i think its the guilt from this all bundled up. im sorry i shut your eyes for the final time. im sorry things couldnt have been better, im sorry i wasnt good for you back then.

when i looked into your eyes, they reminded me of the same eyes that mine were fixated on that night back then. the sunset had so many colors but i could only be focused on your eyes, as none of the colors of the sunset could compare. 

i told val a few days ago that i really shouldn't be digging up old memories, that val reminding me of a specific person was reminding me of things that should have been dead in me months ago. i didn't think you'd be part of that as well. seeing you in my arms dug up a certain feeling in me, leaving my chest open and visibly grotesque. i should have known by the way your long name rolled off my tongue. and i ended up making the same mistake as i have many years ago, except this time it wasnt on purpose. i didnt know- my mind was just fixated on how you looked at me and what he did to you after. that tattoo was for val, wasn't it? he always did compare himself to foxes. 

im sorry i did what i did on prom night, pete. i felt trapped and every word i spoke had my throat closing up a little more and my vision get a little more blurry. im sorry i left that night. i wanted to take you along, i really did, but we just couldnt afford to. im so sorry. im sorry. and most of all, im sorry i wasnt there. 

-- ignition 

✉️

[witchesmailbox]

I don't know how to address this letter. How can I even reduce you to a single name? It feels wrong. You were Infinity Boy -- Innie -- to some people. Pete to others. For a while you were Vinnie because I put that stupid V in front of your name. Were. The sounds wrong. I don't want to refer to you in past tense. The things I say don't stop being true just because you're not here. I told you, a long time ago, that you are the most unique person I've ever met. That's still true. It will always be true.

Did you ever truly understand what you meant to me? I'm not good with words the way you are. I'm sorry. I wish I could be better at them. I wish I could have made you feel the way you made me feel. You saw me. The real me. You saw past all the bullshit and insanity and somehow found something worth loving. I'll never understand how you did it and I'll never deserve it. If there were a way to go back and change things, I'd fucking do it. I don't care. You know me. I'm stubborn. I don't listen. But there's no way. There's no way. I can't. I waited too long. I'll never fix things. It's done. I have to live with it. How can I live with it? I can't. I can't do this I'm sorry I'm so sorry I can't even ask you to forgive me because you would and I don't deserve it.

I missed your show. I'll never have a chance to see another one. How stupid was I pass up a chance to see you?! I'll have to remember you for longer than I knew you. I want to keep every memory and preserve them but I know I can't. I'll forget eventually. How long until I forget what your voice sounds like? What made you laugh? What you looked like when you smiled? Fuck. FUCK. You used to look at me like I was the best thing that ever happened to you. I know now I was the worst. I wish I wasn't. I wish I could've been better for you.

What if I never ran from you? And I never ruined things? Maybe then I wouldn't have to miss you the way I do now. This is all my fault. A long time ago I told you not to dwell on the what ifs. I need to take my own advice but all I think about all the things I would have done differently. Should have done differently. I should have held you tighter. If I had known that was going to be the last time….Fuck. I can't -- I can't. If I had a second chance, I'd do it right. I'd love you the right way. I'd support you the right way. I'm so sorry I didn't do that for you. I'm so fucking sorry.

I'm sorry for the life you lived, and the life you didn't. You didn't deserve to go through everything just to end up like this. I'm sorry I couldn't make it better. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This isn't what was supposed to happen. You still have songs to write and shows to play and I did everything I could to keep you safe and it wasn't enough and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I love you did you know that? I never stopped loving you. Never. I think about you every single day and I don't think that's ever going to change. I thought I had to be away from you to keep you safe. Look how fucking wrong I was. All I did was rip your heart out for no reason. This wouldn't have happened if I stayed and it's all my fault and-

I'm just- I don't know what else to say.

Do you know what's been on my mind? Besides you, besides everything, there's been a question I can't get out of my head. If you believe in something enough, can you convince yourself it's real? Can you will it to be real? I wish I could ask you. You'd have the answer. You always did. I want this to be true. I want to believe you're still out there, somewhere, among the stars. If you are, we can meet again. Please. Can we have one more summer? Just one. Please. I promise I'll do better next time. You can't be gone. Please tell me you're still out there. You have to be. You're infinite.

-Lin

✉️