#tod!fic

[crockettmarcel]

day 20 - service

Sarah wasn’t sure how long the funeral had lasted. There was a start time on the order of service, and she’d checked her phone, but her brain was so foggy that she couldn’t work out how long it had been. Her guess was a few hours, but it was probably less.

All she knew was that it had felt like forever.

Days seemed to have passed since she’d zipped herself into the only black dress she owned, since she’d been driven through the rainy streets of Chicago to a church she’d never set foot in before today, but it had only been that morning.

So much had happened though that it could well have been a week. She’d heard speech after speech from people in Crockett’s life, all of them talking about how great he was and how he was taken too soon, and somehow hearing that other people were mourning him made it worse. The eulogy his older sister had given was beautiful, but it was followed by Will talking about how he was a wonderful friend and colleague, which angered Sarah in ways she couldn’t describe.

He didn’t know Crockett, not really, not the way Sarah and his family did. He wasn’t mourning the loss of a brother or son, or the one person who had always felt like home. He wasn’t a five-year-old trying to understand that Daddy wasn’t coming home again, and Sarah’s heart broke all over again thinking about how Will would move on, but Lolly would carry this with her forever.

After the service came the burial, where Sarah was forced to accept that this was her reality now. The man she loved was in a wooden box six feet underground, and no amount of wishing or crying or pleading with God was going to bring him back.

Crockett was gone. 

Everything from then on was a blur. Aria and Dee had come home with her so they could help set up the food for the wake, and at some point she’d changed outfits, presumably because she’d got drenched standing outside in the cemetery, but everything else was starting to blend into one awful, painful memory. There were lots of people in her house, eating and telling her how sorry they were for her loss, but none of them were Crockett, so she struggled to care.

He’d have made the situation better. He had the best jokes, and always knew how to cheer people up, no matter the occasion. This thought struck Sarah more than once throughout the afternoon, and she was even sure she could hear his laughter ringing around the kitchen, the way it did on early weekend mornings when he’d make beignets with Lolly.

But there was no one there of course, and Sarah suddenly realised it was just her in the kitchen, surrounded by trays of finger food and feeling more alone than she ever had before.

[crockettmarcel]

the other thing that’s fun is that crockett left work literally the second his shift ended bc sarah told him she had something to tell him and he was !!! and like. if he’d stuck around for a bit to talk to people like he normally did then he’d still be alive <3

[crockettmarcel]

time of death: 20:32

It's been seven whole days

Without your embrace

I wanna see your face

I got some things to say

[crockettmarcel]

Okay I’m ready to have my feelings hurt and my heart broken; tell me more about the tod!au 👀 anything you want but also 1. How old is Lolly when she finally begins to understand what happened 2. How does Sarah cope? 3. Who is their support system after this? -punksarahreese

>:)

she was five when crockett died, and it took her over a year to process everything that happened and start talking again. she grieved for a Lot longer than that, and when she started talking, she’d ask sarah if/when daddy was coming home, bc she still thought that maybe he’d just gone away for a bit and that he was going to come back 

sarah didn’t cope. at all. she was just about able to take care of lolly, but it was really hard for her, and at one point she considered having crockett’s parents or one of his siblings adopt her because although they were grieving as well, they were all in a better position to look after lolly (at least sarah thought they were). dr charles talked her out of it - he told her that what lolly needs most right now is stability, and losing her mom as well as her dad would be the worst thing for her (also sarah understands lolly’s needs better than anyone else) sarah spent a lot of time in bed in a haze, trying to process everything and work out how she was going to raise another baby, and blaming herself for crockett’s death. she’d cook for lolly as much as she could, and she tried really hard to look after her properly, but it was so overwhelming, and she could never make it more than a few hours without crying

their support system was mainly people at med - ava, dr charles, april, maggie, and occasionally goodwin and lanik. sarah and ava had been kind of on and off for the last year or so (sarah and crockett’s relationship involved a lot of breaks, and it was only a few months before he died that they decided they wanted to try and have a proper relationship), which meant that she trusted ava a Lot. she usually helped sarah with basic self care things like showering, washing her hair, and changing her clothes etcmaggie, april, and dr charles would take it in turns helping with housework, cooking, and looking after lolly, bc sarah was really struggling to keep on top of it all. it was hard for them seeing sarah like this, but even harder seeing the change in lolly. she’d always been a really happy, bubbly kid, and she’d just started talking about six months ago (she’s speech delayed, but she was making rlly good progress and was almost forming full sentences!!) but now she’s completely non-verbal again, and she doesn’t have that same energy or joy she used to have, and it’s heartbreaking

[crockettmarcel]

problematic first thought of the day: remember that fic u were gonna write where Crockett died

[crockettmarcel]

no one:

my hell brain the second I wake up: have u ever thought about the void that would be left behind after Crockett dies? about the fact that his six year old daughter has to live the rest of her life without her dad? what about the fact that he’s never going to know his son? aren’t these all fun sexy thoughts to be having at 6am? :)

[crockettmarcel]

also there’s two aus that didn’t make it into the post bc they’re likely to be written as fics, but they’re the trinity beach au and time of death fic

[crockettmarcel]

also it’s the way people keep bringing food over or coming round to cook for sarah and lolly but it’s not the same. the house never smells the same as when crockett would cook for them, and somehow having different food smells is worse than nothing at all <3