"you need to let go of the past's hand, so you can catch the hand of the future"
...
what next? sori found herself staring at her reflection, wide eyes, a bare face. she said it out loud, “what next?”. she’d been chasing dream after dream, a debut, finishing school, what now? she found herself… stuck? she’d gotten everything she wanted, yet it felt so… empty. she bites her lip, tilts her head to the side, her face looks familiar, yet at the same time like something she’s never seen before. who was she? the question sounded stupid, she was aster, cha sori, an idol, a university graduate, a daughter, a sister. yet when she looks at her reflection, she finds herself frowning. those weren’t answers, they were titles, stuff anyone could see about her if they searched her name online. but who was she?
the silence felt loud, she was only able to hear her own breath, yet it was so, so loud. normally she would be busy enough to ignore thoughts like this. school had always been there. homework had always been there. practice had always been there. there had always been another goal waiting for her. now there wasn't. her eyes drifted toward her desk. for years that desk had been buried beneath textbooks, assignments, notebooks, schedules. now it sat clean. the sight should have made her happy, instead it felt strange, like something was missing.
she’d dreamed of this for so long, no homework, no handling both school and practice at once, no exams nor any deadlines. now she felt so empty, and she couldn’t properly figure out why, hadn’t she gotten everything she wanted? it felt like standing in the middle of a field after spending years walking through a tunnel, there was so much space that she didn't know where to go. she was satisfied, she surely was, achieved her dream, she just couldn’t figure it out…
sori sits down, tapping her fingers on her thighs, sitting in front of a camera still isn’t her greatest skill, and she looks a bit around before properly looking into the camera, forcing a smile to show up on her lips. ‘just get it over with’ she tells herself in her head, convincing herself she’s ready to answer some questions.
“what’s your favorite nintendo game of all time, and why?”
“truthfully… i haven’t exactly played a lot of games, so there’s not much to pick from” she shrugs “but my member and friend introduced me to mario kart a while ago, while i’m still not the best driver, it was a game i really enjoyed” she nods. “it was really fun, i did get quite competitive though… but i think i love multiplayer games overall? they’re just more fun for me to play, i keep picking baby mario as my character though… i feel like maybe i should try a new character soon?”.
“if you could live in any nintendo world, which one would you choose?”
“ahh… any nintendo world…?” she hums “that’s such a hard question…”. “hmm… i think maybe i would choose the mario world? mostly because of mario kart”. “i know that probably sounds silly, but it just seems really fun. even though it looks a little chaotic sometimes… everyone always seems like they’re having fun”. “i think it would be exciting to travel to all the different places too. like, one day you could be somewhere really pretty and peaceful, and then the next day you’re racing through rainbow roads in the sky.” she laughs quietly “although… i’d probably be really scared of falling off.” “and oh… i like the idea that it feels very cheerful? even when things go wrong, everything somehow feels okay again in the end. i think i’d like living somewhere that feels bright and happy like that.” smiles “maybe i’d still be bad at driving, though…”.
“how does gaming fit into your daily schedule, especially with a busy schedule?”
“ah… uhm…” she laughs softly, a little embarrassed “honestly… gaming doesn’t fit into my schedule as much as i wish it did…”. “with practice, filming, recordings, and everything else, i feel like there’s always something to do”. “by the time i get home, sometimes i’m so tired that i just shower and go straight to bed…”. “but i really do miss it”. “whenever i see clips of people playing mario kart or hear friends talking about games, i always think, ‘ahh, i want to play too…’” “i think games are really nice because they help you relax and forget stress for a little while. so… um…” she hums“i kind of hope that when things calm down a bit, i can make more time for it again. even if it’s just a few races before bed.”
the livestream starts a few minutes late with the camera pointed at absolutely nothing useful for a solid ten seconds before shifting abruptly upward. a quiet voice mutters, “oh… it’s on already?” there she is, slightly flustered, fixing a strand of hair behind her ear as chat immediately fills with greetings and teasing comments about her accidental dramatic entrance. she laughs awkwardly, the kind that sounds halfway between embarrassed and fond. “sorry,” she says quietly. “i’m not good at starting lives… i thought someone else would do for me… like usually” she bites her lip, fans calling her cute to her own surprise.
tonight’s game is pokémon pokopia, though she says the title cautiously, like she’s worried she somehow pronounced it wrong. the entire vibe of the stream becomes cozy almost instantly. she’s a little shy in front of the camera, often glancing at chat before quickly looking back at the game, smiling to herself whenever fans compliment her.
at first, she tries to be very focused. very serious, keyword: tries. five minutes in, she confidently explains her “strategy” for approaching a challenge, speaking carefully like she’s presenting something deeply thought-out. “so if i go this way,” she says, nodding to herself, “then technically—” immediate mistake, her character runs directly into the wrong area. she blinks. “…i think that was emotional navigation.” the chat loves it “what?” she asks, genuinely confused. “that made sense in my head.”
the funniest part is she never realizes when she’s being funny. when fans spam laughing emojis after she accidentally startles herself over an in-game sound effect, she looks puzzled. “i didn’t even scream,” she says quietly, a pause, “you screamed,” chat insists. “no…” she says, immediately replaying the clip after fans beg her to. silence. “…okay maybe a little.”
throughout the stream, she accidentally creates running jokes without meaning to. she keeps forgetting item names and inventing replacements that somehow stick with the fandom. a mysterious glowing object becomes “the sparkly suspicious thing,” and after getting mildly lost for the third time she sighs softly and says, “i’m not lost. i’m just… seeing all the map has to offer.” fans instantly start quoting it.
despite her shyness, she constantly checks in with viewers. she reads usernames quietly, thanks people for staying, and occasionally gets flustered when compliments move too fast in chat. “you guys are too nice,” she mumbles, trying very hard to move on before smiling anyway.
she sits down, lets a breath out, runs a hand through her hair.
...
how did you feel preparing for this concert? were there any moments that surprised you about yourself?
“ah, there was actually… i’ve never been one to take on the leader role, but this whole thing had me take on the leader role. i was quite surprised that i was able to do it, since it’s unlike me. but it was exciting at the same time, when people needed help, they came to me, this performance showed me sides of myself i didn’t evn know i had”. “it made it exciting to prepare, i was preparing something made by me, i was the leader in this”.
how did you feel about the way your team collaborated on the performance?
“really good, everybody worked hard, and it came together really well, people took their roles and went with it, some had to dance classical dance and some had to dance hip hop, both teams did really well”. “while i was the leader, i saw other people helping each other as well, it really did feel like we became a team, that this wasn’t just me and minji’s performance, but all of our’s performance”.
how will this concert experience shape your next steps or projects?
“…honestly, i think it’s changed the way i see myself a little. before this, i always thought i was someone who worked best quietly in the background, focusing on my part, doing what i was told, making sure everything was solid. and there’s still a lot of value in that. but this concert showed me that i might be capable of more responsibility than i assumed. i don’t think i’m suddenly going to chase leadership roles everywhere,” she laugh softly, “but i won’t shy away from them the way i used to. if a project needs someone to step up, i think i’d be more willing to raise my hand. so in a way, this concert didn’t just feel like an ending—it feels more like a starting point.”
which part of your performance are you most proud of?
“i don’t think there’s a single moment i’m most proud of. we told a story with our performance, so every single part of the performance became important. for me, what makes me proud isn’t one specific passage or solo—it’s that the story felt complete from beginning to end. every section had its own purpose, its own emotion, and we all worked really hard to make those transitions feel natural.”
sori still feels a bit awkward when she does a livestream alone, she’s never been the best at talking, and she’s never been too fond of answering questions about herself. she originally wanted to do the livestream with hayoung, but in the end it didn’t happen, and now sori is sitting alone, attempting to do the livestream by herself.
she’s doing a puzzle while doing the live, so she has something to do, she finds it easier to do lives by herself when she’s not just staring into the camera. she lifts her head a lot though, to check out the comments, making sure to interact with the fans, that’s what these lives are for, isn’t it? “aish you guys… you keep asking for spoilers” she pouts “i can’t be angry about it though, if i’m honest, when my brother debuted, i asked for crystallis spoilers… turns out all the idols in legacy don’t know what all the other idols are doing” she shakes her head, a laugh following. “aish! every time i mention my brother, you guys want to know more” she shakes her head. “aren’t you curious about me?” she pouts “don’t worry! i’m joking” she nods “i want you guys to support us both, even though i’m obviously more talented” she smiles “knowing my brother, he’s watching right now, so you guys can comment hello or something” she shrugs.
“do you have any questions for me?” she tilts her head, waits a few second “oh… that’s too many questions… i can’t answer them all” she bites her lip. “a hair colour i want to try? well so far i’ve only done black, blonde and brown, i’d like to do something a bit more… colourful? maybe pink? would that look good on me?” she smiles. “hmm? my favourite song at the moment? i’ve been listening to ss501’s because i’m stupid a lot lately” she nods.
sori continues answering questions, finds herself lost in time, and the puzzle and live is both over quicker than she had expected. the fans are curious about her, and even though she doesn’t like sharing stuff about herself, it seems to make them happy when she does so, so she might just continue answering all their questions. another time though, the thirty minutes are up.
while sori had been an idol for some time now, getting a customized microphone and an in-ear monitor made it all sound even more real. it was a small accomplishment, but it felt like a big one, her very own microphone, which was hers to customize, and hers to use. her brother already had his own microphone, and he was excited for her to too have her own microphone.
“my representative colour is yellow, so it would only make sense for me to have my microphone in yellow too” she nods “i’d like to add some sort of glitter and sequins too, preferably in gold i think” she hums, imagining in her head what she has said so far, yellow is definitely her, but it needs more to completely feel like her.
“since my stage name is aster, i want the microphone to be decorated with fake aster flowers. not too much, just enough so it feels personal. i like things that are pretty but still meaningful.”
when it comes to her in-ear monitors, she struggles a bit, but like with her microphone, she wants it to represent her.. “i wanted something a little more subtle,” she says. “it’s a bit simple i guess, but i’d like a mouse charm on my in-ear monitor” she crosses her arm “it might be hard to spot, but that’s me, that’s aster”.
smiling, she adds, “i think customization is important. when i stand on stage as aster, holding something that feels mine gives me confidence.”
“i learned a lot today” she nods “not just about jiho, but myself too” that’s the words she decides to start with, words with truth behind it.
sori isn’t particularly fond of talking about herself, but the fans love it, they enjoy learning new things about her, so she attempts telling things about her to her fans. she was hesitant to join the show, it was a concept that was outside of her comfort zone, but during a call from her brother, he managed to convince her that she should do it.
“jiho is very obviously a skilled idol, and he has more experience than me when it comes to idol stuff. he’s not just in v&a, he’s a soloist artists too”. “he helped me visualize the future, and helped me realize what i want to do, that i too will work hard to have a solo debut someday” she hums. “before today, i thought jiho was intimidating, and i didn’t dare to speak with him” she shakes his head. “he’s so experienced and talentful… i didn’t think we’d have anything to talk about”. “now i see why he’s so popular, sure he’s talented and experienced, but he’s so much more than that” she nods. “it was comforting to speak with him, he made me feel so calm”.
“he’s become a role model for me, i look up to him now”. “he’s a dancer like me, and i hope to get to his level some day… i also hope i’ll get to help someone learn about themselves like jiho learned me helped me learn about myself”. “jiho, if you see this? thank you for helping me visualize what i want to do with my life”.
"and i thought i could continue on like this, but at last i broke down too"
...
sori had always been busy, due to different things, but she’d always been busy.
age thirteen.
she’s walking home, by herself like she’s always done. she used to walk with her brother, but he’s moved far away along their dad. part of sori wanted to move along with them, but she couldn’t leave behind her mother, not yet. the class talked about doing karaoke together, or eating, or something, but none of the ideas they came up with interested sori, and even if they had come up with an idea that interested sori, she still wouldn’t tag along. she’s quite a loner, not that it bothers her, she just has priorities, and having friends is not highest on her list. she’s letting the cold air hit her face, because she knows that it’ll be a while before she gets a break again, she has school, then her walk home is her break and then she goes back to being busy.
“hey mom!” she half-shouts as she enters their house, “get changed!” her mom is quick to say, and she finds her work clothes, she’s not entirely sure if she’s old enough to work, but she’s been working in her mother’s restaurant for as long as she remembers, though she used to work along her dad and brother as well. she’s quick to change, walking into the restaurant, it’s the same building as their house, so she’s quick to arrive. she finds her usual corner, dropping her bag on one chair and sitting on another, finding her homework and starting to do it. whenever someone comes in she’ll smile at them, ask them what they want and let her mom know to cook it. mainly people just come in for take away but sori acts like a server for the ones who sit down to eat, helping taking care of the take away customers as well. like said, she’s busy, handling homework and working in her mom’s restaurant.
age eighteen.
sori’s life is more hectic than ever. she used to handle work and school, now there’s so much more to handle. she’s in high school, her last year, and she’s taken a lot upon her shoulders. she’s on the swimming team, the running team and the soccer team, along that she has homework and practice,
“is it true you’ve become a trainee at legacy?” she’s doing some homework in class when someone comes over and says said question, sori looks up. “there’s a rumour going around that you’ve become a trainee at legacy” she lifts an eyebrow, she knows the name of the asker, but they haven’t exactly spent much time together out of the classroom. she looks away from the asker, her eyes landing on a friend, she shrugs, she knows the truth, still, sori can’t quite see her being the one to go around and make rumours. she looks briefly at the asker before returning her eyes to her homework “who knows” she simply replies with.
“it’s just a lot, isn’t it?” she’s walking her friend home after school “you were already busy prior to being a trainee, can you really keep doing as much as you do? you’re on so many teams in school, you’re the top student and now you’re a trainee as well?”, “i can handle it” sori simply responds with. “are you gonna continue school once we’re done with high school? i feel like you should put all of your focus into being a trainee”. “and what if my dream of being an idol doesn’t work out? i need a plan b”, “yeah but whenever you set yourself onto something it happens, i’m sure you’ll debut”, “there’s still the chance i won’t though” she returns. “you’re just always so busy, i feel like you deserve some calm in your life”. “i can rest when i’m retired”.
age twenty-two.
she continued school, so many people told her not to, to put all of her focus into being an idol. now she’s an idol, but she continues school. she never gets a break, if she’s not at school she’s studying or practicing, is she not studying she’s at school or practicing, is she not practicing she’s studying or at school, you get it. there’s barely any breaks. part of sori wonders why she’s still in school, she’d debuted, she’s reached her goal, still, she’s afraid. afraid her group will disband, she gets kicked out, legacy goes bankrupt, some scenarios more likely than others, but they could still happen. sori doesn’t want to lose her idol dream and then have nothing to do, so she remains in school, makes sure she has a plan b.
her alarm rings, it takes her a few minutes before she finally opens her eyes and turns off the alarm. she looks around, it’s happened again, she’s fallen asleep on her desk while she studied and did her homework. it’s happened a lot lately, she’s exhausted after school and practice, so she’s tired once she finally has time to sleep, so in the midst of studying she falls asleep in her chair, head resting on the desk.
she’s found a short break in her schedule, originally planning to see her brother, but he wasn’t able to find a break in his schedule, instead she’s seeing her dad, she’s missed him, and she’s brought along a bouquet of flowers when she comes to visit him. it’s not as often she sees him anymore, he’s a successful and popular model and sori is now an idol, she loves him dearly and wish they could see each other more. she knocks and shew wonders how close he’s been waiting from the door because there barely goes a second before he opens the door. he welcomes her in “i made dinner, like the old days” he smiles at her.
“so how has it been going?” he asks, and sori attempts her best to smile until she falls down and cries. “what’s wrong?” he panickedly asks, “i’m exhausted, i’ve barely been getting sleep, and when i get sleep i sleep at my desk, i’m just… i’m tired of being as busy as i am, i’ve always been able to handle it, but now i’m breaking down” the tears continue. “you could drop out of school?” he suggests, she shakes her head “i just have a few months left”, he pats her on her back, “then, when you finally get a break, let’s travel, you have to relax sometimes, do something you enjoy doing, and not just dance, you need to get a hobby” she nods a bit, tears still falling.
