#todd wilkins

[todddean71-blog]

(Todd Wilkins)

[svhrecaps]

Cosmopolitan continues to remind me of Todd Wilkins. Switch out golf shoes for basketball shoes and you'll have a perfect representation of Todd.

[svhrecaps]

This is a direct jab at Todd Wilkins, and nothing Cosmopolitan says or does will convince me otherwise.

[svhrecaps]

SWEET VALLEY RECAP 105 - WHAT, ME STUDY?

Well, readers, we meet again. After writing my recap of Critical Mess, I had a Sweet Valley High dream. In it, I watched Elizabeth and Todd very publicly break up at the beach. My best friend in this dream universe was Winston, and we watched the whole debacle from underneath an umbrella that we had propped in the sand. “This would make a great blog post,” I thought.

When I woke up, I figured that I was in the right state of mind to write another recap, so here we are.

Today, I sang along to the theme song. Five episodes in and I am already descending into madness. By the end of the series, I have no doubt I’ll have a trash can full of blonde hair dye, and either a pale pink cardigan or a Jeep. 

The episode begins with the Sweet Valley High cheerleading squad practicing…in the hallway. Sweet Valley High doesn’t have a gym, apparently.

In any case, Mr. Russo walks by, compliments the squad and strolls off, probably wondering if he should start desperately submitting his resume to other schools in the district like he has been for the past year.

Mr. Russo teaches chemistry, and if Jessica doesn’t ace his next test, she’s going to be on academic probation. Chemistry is the fucking worst, so I feel for Jessica.

The squad disintegrates, with Jessica trailing behind them whining about how she can “study later.” The camera pans over to Winston, who has been listening to this unbelievably boring scene unfold from another room. Winston rolls his chair over to a computer, where we see this:

Yes, Winston is hacking into Mr. Russo’s computer. Tsk, tsk. I’m disappointed in him.

Winston manages to crack Russo’s password on the first try. The kid’s supposed to be a fucking genius, so nobody is surprised. He looks through Mr. Russo’s files, most of which are blurry pictures of chemical compounds. He comes across a letter to a woman named Rosemary. He prints this out gleefully.

I literally have never been so confused in my life.

Meanwhile, on a locker in Sweet Valley High…

It’s Elizabeth and Todd’s anniversary. Great. I’m so glad this episode takes place on the anniversary of the most annoying couple on the fucking planet. Truly.

Just kidding, now I’m really happy that the episode takes place on their anniversary. However will Todd react?

Elizabeth manages to convince Todd that their anniversary is actually on Wednesday. Anniversaries are so vague, she says.

Todd, who is a fucking idiot, goes along with this.

Winston shows up, completely oblivious to the fact that Todd is probably having an emotional breakdown.

Elizabeth remembers her status as a social justice warrior and is suddenly up in arms.

Todd attempts to follow suit.

Unfortunately for Winston (and Mr. Russo, I suppose), Jessica has been in the background this entire time. You can spot her behind Todd, unloading all of her earthly possessions into her locker.

At the Wakefield household, Enid and Elizabeth are watching what is basically a TV episode-length infomercial.

As you can imagine, this show is right up Enid’s alley. Elizabeth claims to be above such nonsense.

The show that supposedly sells nothing but junk is selling the perfect anniversary present for Todd. Now isn’t that just ironic?

If you’re wondering, it’s a pair of shoes. With Shaquille O’Neal’s autograph on them.

Elizabeth picks up the phone while Enid smiles smugly.

At the Moon Beach, Winston is handing out copies of Mr. Russo’s letter:

I would like you to fully appreciate Bruce’s outfit for a moment. I mean, a bubblegum pink polo with a seafoam green sweater? And khakis? I’m going to file this under outfits I need to purchase for my own closet.

Also, if I had been Sweet Valley High’s head of merchandising in the 90s, I would have definitely pitched the idea for a pocketbook entitled Bruce’s Closet. But that’s neither here nor there.

Jessica strolls into the Moon Beach and instantly pounces on Winston.

Winston hands her a letter. Jessica very pointedly asks if he got it from Mr. Russo’s computer.

Jessica bets Winston saw some juicy stuff on that computer. Winston shrugs and says most of it was boring chemistry shit.

Ah, the age old story. Girl meets desperate boy. Girl manipulates desperate boy for chemistry answers. Boy delivers, and is promptly disposed of. Winston, you impressionable fool.

Jessica beckons Winston over to a booth at the back of the Moon Beach. At this point, I’m feeling distinctly uncomfortable. How old are these children? Twelve?

In any case, the game is afoot.

Jessica grabs Winston by the shirt and tells him that there comes a time in every woman’s life where she can no longer deny herself. She needs a man.

"I need you," she says, looking deep into Winston’s eyes.

I only have one reaction to this scene:

Now that the show has made 100% sure that our minds are in the gutter, the scene cuts to this:

Jessica asks Winston to go get her some water. Mind you, they’re at the Wakefield household. Jessica is a shitty host.

She begins rummaging through Winston’s backpack, searching for Russo’s password. Winston is stupidly getting Jessica a glass of water from her own fucking kitchen even though he’s technically the guest.

Elizabeth walks in. She says hello to Winston, who’s in the kitchen cutting up a lemon for Jessica’s glass of water.

Elizabeth notices Jessica going through Winston’s stuff, but Jessica grabs Winston and leaves before Elizabeth can call her out on it.

That glass of water, by the way? Dumped down the drain. Fucking Jessica.

Jessica takes Winston to school. She’s done playing around, damnit.

"This isn’t what I had in mind," Winston says, standing in the doorway of Mr. Russo’s office.

"Really?" Jessica asks sweetly. "I find it stimulating."

Now if Winston wasn’t nervous before, he sure as fuck is now.

I apologize for the number of quotes in this entry, but I literally cannot make lines like, “I can’t help myself, I guess. Computers turn me on.” funnier than they already are. This episode is doing my fucking job for me.

Winston, who I’m sure will develop a brain at some point during this episode, hacks into Mr. Russo’s computer again.

The next morning, Elizabeth is yelling at somebody over the phone. Apparently her package is going to be “late.” That’s shady infomercial speak for, “You will never see your package in this lifetime.”

Todd creepily shows up at the back door, a present in his hand. Good lord.

Elizabeth tries to convince Todd that their anniversary is actually next Friday.

Now I’m not sure when the fuck this next scene happens. It’s either that afternoon (which implies that Todd came over early just to give Elizabeth her gift), or the next day. Choose your own adventure, kids! As far as I’m concerned, this is happening the next day.

The exam is apparently hard as fuck, because there’s a montage of all the students half-sobbing.

Jessica, of course, is having the time of her life. Mr. Russo actually looks like he’s having a good time too.

I just want to point out to you that there are graduated cylinders and beakers full of chemicals in this classroom. Nobody is wearing safety goggles. Mr. Russo should be fired immediately.

At the Moon Beach, everybody is crying about the test. Jessica claims it was a piece of cake. And, as I predicted…

Later, in the most dangerous fucking chemistry classroom in the history of the universe…

Manny got a C- by the way, which I thought was rather good. For Manny, that is.

Jessica got a fucking A+.

The bell rings, but Jessica is told to stay behind. Wonder what for…

Mr. Russo’s mother didn’t raise no fool. He knows it was Jessica.

To get out of suspension, Jessica pins it all on Winston.

Mr. Russo suspends Jessica despite her accusations. He’s a man of science, a man of science who willingly lets his students inhale the toxic vapors of boiling mixtures during a test.

Jessica proves Winston’s guilt by pulling out Mr. Russo’s letter to Rosemary. I’m not sure how this proves that it was Winston, but then again literally nothing has made sense since after the opening credits.

Mr. Russo suspends Winston. He really does not play around. Most schools give you a zero if you cheat - but Sweet Valley High will kick your ass right onto the curb.

At the Moon Beach, Winston is trying to look on the bright side of things. While trying to be optimistic, he comes to the following conclusions:

he probably won’t be getting that scholarship he’s been working toward

actually, he probably won’t graduate at all

without a high school diploma, he should probably kiss his career in medicine goodbye

Elizabeth tells Winston that nobody will even notice what’s happened. Oh, Elizabeth. If only that were true.

Winston still doesn’t know how the test got out.

At the Wakefield household, Elizabeth scolds Jessica for letting Winston take the fall. Jessica, who is stone cold, tells Elizabeth that the squad needs her - but who needs Winston, really?

At school, Mr. Russo is practicing some chemistry.

That graduated cylinder is fucking enormous. Either Sweet Valley High’s chemistry department has a massive budget, or Mr. Russo is mixing strawberry soda with green food coloring.

Elizabeth shows up, and tells Mr. Russo that Winston is innocent. Apparently, she can prove it, too.

After hearing this, Jessica walks into Mr. Russo’s office. There’s a kid in there shoving a screwdriver into a printer. Jessica tells him that the faculty supply closet has been left unlocked, and that he can probably steal some new toner. This printer-obsessed soul says, “Cool!” and leaves Jessica alone with Mr. Russo’s computer.

Jessica puts in the password, only to have a message pop up telling her to turn around.

Mr. Russo sends Jessica to Mr. Cooper’s office, and gives Winston detention for fucking around with his computer in the first place.

A week later, after getting a pile of make-up work thrown at her, Jessica finds herself turning to Winston for help. She asks him to write her papers for her.

Todd walks over to Elizabeth’s locker, where he wishes her a happy anniversary for the third fucking time.

I don’t know what the hell Todd gives her, but Elizabeth calls them beautiful. And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Elizabeth’s gift to Todd.

Elizabeth rolls her eyes and says “I’m gonna kill those guys!” before the episode ends.

I have nothing witty to say to you, reader, but I do have something to share. While watching this hilarious episode on YouTube, I combed through the comments. While doing so, I came across this:

I literally couldn’t believe my eyes, but IMDB confirmed it:

Mr. Russo fucking watched the episode. If that doesn’t make your week, then I don’t know what will.

[svhrecaps]

SWEET VALLEY RECAP 104 - CRITICAL MESS

Well, readers, we meet again. I made a smart decision and decided to not spend my winter break slowly losing brain cells by marathon-watching Sweet Valley High. However, upon seeing that people have actually been enjoying seeing this God forsaken show through my cynical eyes, I decided that I should at least attempt to finish what I started. It’s what Elizabeth Wakefield would do.

In case you were wondering, listening to the theme song after weeks of blissful silence is like having your ears filled with lava. At the same time, watching the MS Paint opening reminded me how far humans have come. It was a very confusing fifty-nine seconds, emotionally.

The episode opens with Bruce and Manny in an intimate booth at the Moon Beach. They are sharing a romantic mountain of french fries. Apparently, Bruce has a hotshot uncle who is going to be visiting us here in Sweet Valley. Bruce has to pick him up. Manny makes the following suggestion:

Before I say anything else, I just want to direct your attention to Bruce’s fantastic outfit. Look at those white booty shorts. What I wouldn’t give to be able to pull off that ensemble.

Anyway, Manny is an asshole and doesn’t know how to be a proper host. Bruce tells him to shut the fuck up. His uncle is rich. He isn’t going to take a goddamned cab.

News that Bruce’s uncle is visiting travels through the Moon Beach like wildfire. Uncle Andy is a commercial director. But since this is Sweet Valley we’re talking about…

No, Elizabeth. He’s a commercial director.

See, if Uncle Andy were actually trying to move up from directing commercials, do you really think he would choose Sweet fucking Valley for the backdrop of his debut film?

The news of Uncle Andy’s visit literally went through three people before it turned into this steaming pile of bullshit. If, by some miracle, the joy of Christmas cleansed your brain of all Sweet Valley-related thoughts, then here is a friendly reminder: everybody in Sweet Valley is a fucking idiot.

Jessica and Lila are understandably suspicious. Enid disappears, saying she has to buy a new “everything,” if she is going to be discovered. Jessica and Lila are apparently going to be shopping at whatever the hell House of Chic is.

In a perfect world, this episode would end right now just to spare me.

Of course, instead of shopping, Jessica and Lila crash Bruce and Manny’s date. Apparently Jessica has been cast as Lady Macbeth in the school’s production of Macbeth. Lila has been cast as Witch #2. Both of them think Uncle Andy should attend.

Fortunately for Uncle Andy, he’s going to be missing Sweet Valley High’s production of Macbeth. We are all spared. Shakespeare’s ghost is truly watching over us.

At school, Jessica is talking to Steven, who is supposed to be reviewing Macbeth for the school newspaper. Jessica convinces him to push the job onto someone else and go see Pearl Jam instead.

I have no idea who this kid is. I don’t think he knows who he is. Is he actually an important character, or just a lucky extra? Stay tuned.

Guess who has to review Macbeth now, though:

Meanwhile, in the hallway, we find out who is playing the role of Macbeth:

No offense to Winston, but this play sounds like it’s going to be a disaster. Does anybody at Sweet Valley High even know how to act? Where are the obnoxious theatre kids? So many questions, all of which will remain unanswered forever.

After Winston leaves, Enid shows up to announce that Macbeth is officially sold out. Enid’s friend says it’s a shame that Bruce Patman’s (COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR) uncle won’t be there. One of them might have been discovered!

As as side note, I want all of you to know that Lila shouts all of her lines. Because that’s just what this show was missing. Non-stop screeching.

Jessica heads over to the Oracle office, and the ‘up-to-no-good’ music begins to play in the background. She instantly preys on a poor child named Chuckie, who almost shits himself when she speaks to him.

I should probably just point out that Chuckie is a fucking idiot. I mean, it’s a given because we’re watching Sweet Valley High, but maybe you had hope that we would be graced with a character with some semblance of a brain.

"He’s just been introduced!" you say. "How could you call him an idiot already?"

Jessica tells this God forsaken soul that the best way to get to know somebody is by doing a favor for them. Chuckie responds with the following: “You want to do me a favor?”

Oh, Chuckie. Son. No. 

Now that we’ve established where this kid is at intellectually, let’s carry on with the episode, shall we?

I usually watch this show with a straight face, but I literally screamed when Jessica pulled this photo out. That’s a still from the episode in which Dakota fucking Johnson, the twenty-seven year old tortured artist who still attends high school, paints Jessica nude despite the fact that she was wearing a bikini while modeling for him. Throwback Tuesday, my friends. #tbt #dakotajohnson #expeldakota2k15

Chuckie agrees to send Bruce’s uncle the review once Jessica promises him an autographed copy of the photo.

I can’t live like this.

Opening night has finally arrived.

Todd is glad he doesn’t have to read the Cliffs Notes on Macbeth for his paper. I’m happy for him.

The play is a fucking disaster.

Jessica literally spots a babe in the audience and, after saying ‘Fie, my lord, fie,’ she says, ‘Hi, my lord, hi.’

We’re graced with a montage of Jessica fucking up every scene in the play.

The next day, everybody is waiting for Elizabeth’s review of the play.

Elizabeth wrote that Jessica’s performance was “overperformed and loosely interpreted.” B U R N.

Jessica decides to take Elizabeth’s critique with an open mind, and use it to rethink the choices she makes as an actress.

Just kidding. She storms into the Oracle instead.

That’s Elizabeth behind the door, by the way. Her entire team betrays her by staring pointedly in her direction. I, too, would want to stay out of this bullshit. These kids are here so they can show off about an extracurricular activity on their college applications. I don’t know what category ‘defusing a fight between the Wakefield twins,’ would fall under, but it sure as fuck wouldn’t get them into college.

Elizabeth is a stone cold bitch. Jessica storms out, stopping only to rip up the picture she gave to Chuckie. What a chump.

You know what, though? I love Chuckie. After Jessica rips up the photo, he shrugs and says, “Wallet size.” I wish he’d join the main cast.

At the Moon Beach, Jessica is still sulking. Lila comes in with some great news: she’s been cast in Uncle Andy’s movie (COMMERCIAL)!

Lila apparently got the job by stalking the fuck out of Uncle Andy. Jessica thinks that’s tacky, but Lila throws the whole ‘sending-Uncle-Andy-a-bikini-picture’ in Jessica’s face.

Back at the parent-free Wakefield residence, Jessica is still furious. Elizabeth is pathetically trying to defend herself.

Jessica tells Elizabeth that her chance at stardom has been destroyed. Fucking Elizabeth. If you hadn’t been objective, then Jessica would have been cast in a movie (COMMERCIAL)!

The scene cuts to a bunch of guys in costume beating the shit out of each other. Elizabeth and Todd climb out of a nearby car. It seems that Elizabeth wants to talk to Uncle Andy. However, the set is closed.

We FINALLY get a glimpse of Uncle Andy:

There we have it. Elizabeth’s review of Macbeth had nothing to do with Lila being cast.

Someone dropped out last minute, so Andy offers a job to Elizabeth. She refuses, but tells him that Jessica would kill to do the job.

"Great, great," Andy says. "We shoot the commercial tomorrow at nine AM.”

That’s right, kids. Andy Patman directs commercials. But we knew that already. 

At the Moon Beach, Jessica is plotting to kill Lila. She hides a ‘WET FLOOR’ warning under her booth as Lila strolls by. Lila’s actress lets out the fakest scream of her career, and falls flat on the floor.

Elizabeth and Todd pull up to the Moon Beach. They bump into Jessica in the parking lot and tell her the good news. Jessica is in a hurry to leave the scene of her crime though, so Elizabeth doesn’t get to tell her the most crucial piece of information: SHE’S GOING TO BE SHOOTING A FUCKING COMMERCIAL.

Lilla comes into work anyway, much to Jessica’s horror. She’s using crutches though, so Uncle Andy switches their parts. Jessica thinks she’s won. Except…

She’s dressed as a giant fucking tomato. That’s showbiz, kid.

The episode ends with everybody howling with laughter at Jessica’s poor luck. Uncle Andy probably goes back to wherever the fuck he came from and seeks therapy, if only to remove all traces of Sweet Valley from his mind.

In a house somewhere in Sweet Valley, Steven, who was meant to write the original review, is hanging up his Pearl Jam poster.

As a side note, thank you to the ten people who are following this blog! Two of you are related to me, and were forced to click the follow button. The remaining eight of you, however, have my gratitude.

[svhrecaps]

SWEET VALLEY RECAP 103 - SKIN AND BONES

Here’s a refreshing bit of information for you today, reader: this episode does not center in on how identical Jessica and Elizabeth are. We are spared.

After thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime while listening to the opening theme song, I see this:

An unflattering image of Principal Cooper, up on what I’m assuming is a cork board that is being used exclusively to make fun of people who aren’t up to Sweet Valley’s strange standards of beauty.

But that isn’t important. What’s important is that Jessica has her eyes set on Dakota Johnson.

Too bad he already has a muse, huh? And guess who that muse is…

I wonder how long Dakota has been in the tenth grade for. Three years? Four? We just don’t know.

Anyway, in Dakota’s eyes, Enid embodies the spirit of Sweet Valley. I can’t argue with his assessment, considering how annoying and obnoxious Enid is. Spirit of Sweet Valley indeed.

Jessica is not having any of this. She embodies the spirit of Sweet Valley. Fuck Enid. Now all she has to do is make Dakota see the error of his ways, or dispose of Enid in a dastardly fashion. If the suspense is killing you as much as it is me, you’ll want to stay tuned.

Meanwhile, in a shadowy hallway:

Sweet Valley High does not have any rules about public displays of affection. Love is a beautiful thing. Everybody celebrates the sight of a basketball playing earthworm sucking the life force out of a young girl.

Fortunately for us, the kiss is cut short by Winston, who pops up with his camera.

Back at the cork board of shame, or the ‘Graffiti Wall,’ as Winston calls it, Bruce and Manny are acting like Principal Cooper’s picture is the funniest thing they have ever seen in their entire sixteen years of living.

Principal Cooper takes down the picture anyway because, fuck it, he is an authority figure at this shit show of a school, and authority figures deserve respect.

The students are outraged.

Principal Cooper tells the students that, although he did tell them that they could put whatever they wanted on the Graffiti Wall, he draws the line at personal attacks. I’m glad Principal Cooper is finally putting his foot down.

Todd suddenly exclaims, “Isn’t that CENSORSHIP?” Elizabeth chimes in with, “What about FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION?”

This scene should have ended with the kids realizing that bullying is a serious issue, and that some topics (such as personal appearance and/or hair loss) can be a sore spot. Instead, it ends like this:

Meanwhile, in a classroom that has been renovated to cater to the needs of one individual student…

I literally almost cough up a lung because after staring at a blank canvas for a few seconds, Dakota paints one crooked blue line and looks proud.

Jessica walks in, closing the door behind her. The game is afoot, ladies and gents.

Dakota is massively rude to Jessica. This should make her realize that he’s literally a human trash can, but no.

I would just like to add that he keeps painting crooked blue lines while Jessica talks to him. They probably represent his inner turmoil.

Jessica tries to flatter Dakota by saying, “Creative men are so…creative.” Get your shit together, Jessica. That is some Winston-level flirting. You’re supposed to be an expert at this.

Dakota remembers that he needs someone to housekeep for him, so he gets Jessica to wash his brushes. Enid throws the door open, concealing Jessica behind it.

I am going to remind you for the third time that there are two crooked blue lines on that canvas. Enid is shitting herself over two crooked blue lines.

Dakota puts us all in our places by telling Enid that he’s TESTING COLORS, not MAKING ART. Boy, do I feel like an idiot! I, too, test colors on massive, expensive pieces of canvas. I’m so sorry for doubting your artistic integrity, Dakota. I’m sure the art department has enough money to indulge you.

Anyway, it turns out that Dakota is painting Enid tomorrow at the beach. “Dress comfortable,” he says, still staring at the two crooked blue lines on his canvas. He is starting to feel an emotional connection to those lines. They speak to him.

Enid leaves, and Jessica begins to plot.

At the Moon Beach, Enid is having a milkshake all by her lonesome until Jessica drops by in a fake panic.

Jessica’s plan works. She promises to tell Dakota off for Enid’s sake.

At the Oracle, Principal Cooper is getting on Elizabeth’s case for publishing an article about his decision to ‘censor students.’

Elizabeth stands her ground, insisting that Principal Cooper is censoring the student body.

Jessica goes to the beach, where we see this:

It’s a fucking lake. When Dakota said ‘beach,’ I pictured sand and, oh, I don’t know, SALT WATER. Everybody at Sweet Valley High is an idiot.

Jessica tells Dakota that Enid “totally flaked.” He tells her to repeat herself in English. What a pretentious dick.

Jessica unzips her getup, offering to be the subject of Dakota’s painting.

Dakota paints Jessica, and she gets everything she wanted, even if he’s difficult as fuck to work with and turns down all her suggestions in regards to her pose.

At Sweet Valley High, Bruce Patman is checking himself out in his locker mirror. Winston materializes out of nowhere and snaps a picture:

Winston flies down the hall with Bruce at his heels growling, “Pray I don’t catch you, Eggwad!”

We see a short scene at the lake - sorry, beach - where Dakota tells Jessica that she can only see the painting at the unveiling. What a sketchy piece of shit.

At the mall, Jessica shows off about the fact that she got to be the subject of Dakota’s painting.

Lila says, “SOUNDS HOT,” way too loudly and Jessica responds with, “Your curling iron hasn’t seen this kind of heat.”

I seriously think I may die. I have never laughed so hard in my life. God bless this show and all the expressions it will inevitably add to my vocabulary. I should retake the GRE exam. I have no doubts that my writing score will vastly improve.

The art show rolls around.

Okay, Todd. I just…okay. Be quiet. Nobody cares.

Principal Cooper announces that they will be unveiling the work of Dakota…Dancer? What the fuck? I thought his last name was Johnson. How many times am I going to mishear things on this show? Should I start a tally?

Anyway, since I know you’re dying of anticipation, here is the painting:

Jessica has been painted fully nude. Good lord.

Bruce and Manny start clapping, because it’s the only naked woman they will ever see in their lives.

At the Moon Beach, everybody is talking about how Jessica has no shame.

Winston kind of looks apologetically at Jessica and doesn’t say anything. Manny’s question is likely serious because he probably never has and never will understand what realistic anatomical proportions are.

Nobody believes poor Jessica, not even Lila.

Fortunately, Elizabeth flies to Jessica’s rescue. Sort of.

I’m kind of annoyed at Elizabeth’s reluctance to help Jessica. Her sister was painted nude without consent and she’s here wondering if Jessica is telling the truth.

Once Elizabeth is 100% convinced that Jessica is telling the truth, they begin Operation: Destroy Dakota Dickbag.

Dakota tells Elizabeth that he captured “the beauty and spirit of the human form,” and that “clothes are immaterial.” Can somebody fucking expel this kid already? More importantly, Dakota says that Jessica was never nude, because she “didn’t have to be.”

Elizabeth records everything Dakota says. Phase one of the plan is complete.

Also, Todd says his second, “I’m gonna kill that guy,” of the season. Everybody apologizes to Jessica, and Winston hands over the photos that were taken at the art show. Now all photographic evidence of the painting is destroyed. All that’s left is the artwork itself.

It’s all you, Jessica.

Jessica invites Dakota to the ‘beach’ to celebrate his success.

Jessica tells him to get undressed while she grabs some towels from the car.

By the time he’s done, he’s greeted with this sight:

Jessica tells Dakota that the entire school will see his tiny little friend if he doesn’t fix his painting.

Sure does, Dakota. Too bad you had to get a taste of your own medicine before realizing how truly disgusting and inappropriate you were. Them’s the breaks, asshole.

The painting now looks like this:

As it turns out, Dakota is a terrible artist. Jessica is teased a little bit about the original, but we shouldn’t really expect much from Sweet Valley High.

Oh, and Principal Cooper has realized the errors of his ways:

Jessica gives Dakota the negatives of his nudes. However…

Don’t hate the players, Dakota, hate the game.

[sothisallseemshorrible]

Things that make Elizabeth Wakefield laugh...

...in Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love.

Are you always this organized?" Todd teased, his coffee-colored eyes dancing. "Only when it comes to chemistry." She laughed, thinking of the special chemistry between Todd and her...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"Hey, what's the hurry?" It was Todd Wilkins, and he was smiling. "I was hoping to talk to you." Elizabeth was in total shock. There he was--Todd Wilkins--the man of her dreams, standing two inches away from her.

"Oh-uh, well," she stammered. "What about?" She could have kicked herself. Why did she turn into a complete idiot the minute Todd was near her?

"Said like an ace reporter." Todd laughed. "Right to the point. Lois Lane had better watch out for you."

They were both laughing now.

"Pick me up at seven-thirty, OK?" Winston Egbert stared at the beautiful, popular, intelligent Elizabeth Wakefield and almost fainted. "OK!" he said, astounded, then turned and raced madly across campus, screaming like a deranged chimpanzee. For the first time in ages, Elizabeth laughed long and hard.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OH WINSTON EGBERT

"What do you think?" Jessica gave her golden mane a toss. "I mean, be totally honest. Is my hair OK?"

"Ummm, let me look." She circled Jessica. Every hair was exactly where it should be--perfect. "Sad, Jess. It's really sad."

"What?" screeched Jessica. "What are you saying?"

"I just thought, you know--poor Vidal Sassoon on the unemployment line because you're better than he is." Elizabeth fell on the bed laughing. "Gotcha, Jess!" she shouted triumphantly.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOOD ONE LIZ!!

"I've died. I've died and gone to heaven!" Getting up, he made a grand bow. "Princess Elizabeth, you are totally--totally--that's what you are, Liz Wakefield--totally!"

Elizabeth found herself laughing so hard she was nearly in tears. "Win Egbert, you are totally crazy! And if you make me cry and ruin my eye makeup, I'll kill you! So help me, I'll kill you!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WINSTON EGBERT YOU JOKER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M LITERALLY CRYING

Elizabeth laughed. "I knew it. You're taking me to the dance in a pumpkin!"

Winston was still chuckling as he followed her outside. "Close," he said. "It's orange, and it doesn't go very fast."

They both dissolved into giggles...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[fuckyeahsweetvalley-blog]

Jessica: Not ready to date? That's like, not being ready to breathe. Are you sure we're related?