Well, readers, we meet again. For a while, I fell into the endless and horrifying abyss called higher education. Now my plans are set, and I can throw myself into the equally horrifying abyss called Sweet Valley High.
I currently have stitches at the very back of my mouth, the result of a gum operation. My mouth is too small for an adult set of teeth, and so my gums casually began crawling over my molars. I am in excruciating pain, so I figure what’s a little more? This sentiment is what brings me today.
I am actually tapping my foot in tune with the opening. We’ll chalk it up to the pain medication.
A car sits in front of 9948 Why-Am-I-Watching-This Drive. Inside it, Todd reaps Elizabeth’s soul in exchange for immortality.
Elizabeth pulls away, saying she has to leave. Todd is upset, because he feels like they’re always saying good night to each other.
Fortunately for our two disgusting lovebirds here, Elizabeth’s curfew won’t be a problem this weekend. Elizabeth’s non-existent parents are going out of town.
And here I was thinking they’d been out of town this whole time! Silly me.
This isn’t such great news after all.
Todd’s entire fucking house is being repainted. Every goddamned wall is going to be covered in a fresh coat of paint, and if Todd so much as sniffs the air in there he’s going to die.
So he’s staying with his cousins, who have a house that is painted periodically and in small sections.
Todd has a bright idea, however. He can either spend his entire weekend with his cousins (who apparently know how to dance the polka), or he can ~stay with Elizabeth~
Todd eventually shuts the fuck up, and threatens to return to Sweet Valley with an accordion.
Because he’s staying with his nerdy cousins.
Elizabeth chuckles, as I look on with a stony expression.
At Sweet Valley High, some kid named Morgan is lamenting the fact that a concert is sold out.
Side note: I actually had to Google Soundgarden, because I thought I was mishearing Morgan. Turns out they’re a real band, and not some bullshit that exists only in Sweet Valley. A real band who are known for the smash anti-Christian hit Jesus Christ Pose.
Six episodes in, and the writers are already out of fucks to give.
Lila says she’s going to try asking Winston because he always has tickets. I have no idea how the fuck one ‘always has tickets,’ but Morgan wants to listen to Jesus Christ Pose live, so it isn’t like he’s going to question it.
Jessica, of course, is lurking in the hallway while this exchange is happening. She gets this look on her face:
Clearly Lila is not the only girl in Sweet Valley who has been seduced by Morgan’s impeccably plucked eyebrows.
Jessica immediately goes in for the kill, cornering Winston by his locker.
Jessica shoves a wad of cash at Winston, grabs the tickets and prances off. Elizabeth thought Morgan was going with Lila, though. Jessica smirks and says, “So does Lila.”
Elizabeth and Winston exchange a glance and sigh. Jessica is the fucking worst.
She immediately pounces on Morgan.
Coincidentally for Morgan, Jessica has two tickets to see Soundgarden. What luck!
Some time in between all of this Soundgarden bullshit, Elizabeth and Todd decided to carry out their stupid weekend plans.
Jessica promises to keep Todd’s little stay a secret if she can throw a party. Also, she wants the emergency credit card so she can buy a new dress. Elizabeth isn’t having it, but apparently Jessica buys and promptly returns shit all the time, so the mysterious Mrs. Wakefield will never know.
We are graced with a montage of Elizabeth and Todd buying groceries, because Mr and Mrs Wakefield apparently left their children to starve.
The total is $42.29, but Elizabeth only has $30. Todd only has a $10, so they have to put something back. Elizabeth wants to keep all the fruit and veggies, and Todd wants to keep his chips.
No caption is required for that last picture, for obvious reasons. I feel a deep connection with the businessman, because I’m wearing the exact same expression. The woman in the pink gingham, meanwhile, is quietly reminding herself that the only constant in life is death.
Back at the Wakefield house…
Todd has set up a romantic dinner for Elizabeth, and I can no longer breathe because I’m laughing so much. The sad bottles of ketchup and mustard on the table are killing me.
Also, the way Todd has laid the cutlery is incorrect. The salad and dinner forks go on the left, while the dinner knife and soup spoon go on the right. This is basic fucking stuff, Todd.
Judging by the state of the candles, hours seem to elapse before Todd’s dinner is done cooking.
Todd can’t cook for shit. What a twist! Elizabeth thinks she’s chowing down on some chicken. I thought it was a burger.
We’re both wrong. It’s veal.
Elizabeth finally admits that Todd’s cooking is the fucking worst. Todd immediately starts sulking.
To lighten the mood, Elizabeth and Todd decide to watch TV.
This doesn’t work out as planned, either.
Elizabeth, honey, this is a glimpse into your future. Endless sports and cereal-crusted meat products.
Later that night, Todd gets up to grab a drink from the fridge. Because he is a Basketball God, he immediately picks his ball up and starts bouncing it loudly on the way to the kitchen.
Elizabeth catches him like this:
I’ve come to the conclusion that Todd has no idea how to conduct himself in houses that aren’t his own. I can’t picture parents that would be okay with their teenage son causing a racket in the middle of the fucking night just because he’s thirsty.
Elizabeth takes Todd’s basketball and hands him a cup. I’m sure she goes upstairs and dreams of a fairytale prince who doesn’t take sports equipment to the fridge at 2AM.
At the Moon Beach, Lila is making sure that everybody knows about Jessica’s upcoming “gathering.”
As a result, Jessica’s small gathering ends up looking like this:
The party only started thirty seconds ago, and people are already getting cozy on the couch and sipping on their diet cokes.
Elizabeth is upset that things have gotten so out of hand. Todd takes it personally, because everything is about him.
More importantly, this happens:
Yikes. Guess you won’t be getting that $200 back, Jessica.
The next morning, Todd tells Elizabeth that he’s staying with Winston. Poor, foolish Winston. I hope you wear earplugs to bed.
Elizabeth and Todd make up, and decide to team up to pay off the credit card. They do this exactly the way you expect them to:
And guess who they sold the tickets to.
Lila and Morgan drive off, but Elizabeth assures Jessica that a Soundgarden concert is still in her future.
Oh, Winston.
Jessica grabs a ticket anyway, but it looks like the Jeep is out of gas. If only Elizabeth had had the credit card to fill it up. Jessica goes running after Winston, who has already driven off to enjoy a peaceful night of Soundgarden.
Elizabeth and Todd laugh as Jessica tries to catch up.
The episode ends with Todd and Elizabeth actually making up because, you know, nothing brings two people together like their joined hatred for Jessica Wakefield.
Well, readers, we meet again. After writing my recap of Critical Mess, I had a Sweet Valley High dream. In it, I watched Elizabeth and Todd very publicly break up at the beach. My best friend in this dream universe was Winston, and we watched the whole debacle from underneath an umbrella that we had propped in the sand. “This would make a great blog post,” I thought.
When I woke up, I figured that I was in the right state of mind to write another recap, so here we are.
Today, I sang along to the theme song. Five episodes in and I am already descending into madness. By the end of the series, I have no doubt I’ll have a trash can full of blonde hair dye, and either a pale pink cardigan or a Jeep.
The episode begins with the Sweet Valley High cheerleading squad practicing…in the hallway. Sweet Valley High doesn’t have a gym, apparently.
In any case, Mr. Russo walks by, compliments the squad and strolls off, probably wondering if he should start desperately submitting his resume to other schools in the district like he has been for the past year.
Mr. Russo teaches chemistry, and if Jessica doesn’t ace his next test, she’s going to be on academic probation. Chemistry is the fucking worst, so I feel for Jessica.
The squad disintegrates, with Jessica trailing behind them whining about how she can “study later.” The camera pans over to Winston, who has been listening to this unbelievably boring scene unfold from another room. Winston rolls his chair over to a computer, where we see this:
Yes, Winston is hacking into Mr. Russo’s computer. Tsk, tsk. I’m disappointed in him.
Winston manages to crack Russo’s password on the first try. The kid’s supposed to be a fucking genius, so nobody is surprised. He looks through Mr. Russo’s files, most of which are blurry pictures of chemical compounds. He comes across a letter to a woman named Rosemary. He prints this out gleefully.
I literally have never been so confused in my life.
Meanwhile, on a locker in Sweet Valley High…
It’s Elizabeth and Todd’s anniversary. Great. I’m so glad this episode takes place on the anniversary of the most annoying couple on the fucking planet. Truly.
Just kidding, now I’m really happy that the episode takes place on their anniversary. However will Todd react?
Elizabeth manages to convince Todd that their anniversary is actually on Wednesday. Anniversaries are so vague, she says.
Todd, who is a fucking idiot, goes along with this.
Winston shows up, completely oblivious to the fact that Todd is probably having an emotional breakdown.
Elizabeth remembers her status as a social justice warrior and is suddenly up in arms.
Todd attempts to follow suit.
Unfortunately for Winston (and Mr. Russo, I suppose), Jessica has been in the background this entire time. You can spot her behind Todd, unloading all of her earthly possessions into her locker.
At the Wakefield household, Enid and Elizabeth are watching what is basically a TV episode-length infomercial.
As you can imagine, this show is right up Enid’s alley. Elizabeth claims to be above such nonsense.
The show that supposedly sells nothing but junk is selling the perfect anniversary present for Todd. Now isn’t that just ironic?
If you’re wondering, it’s a pair of shoes. With Shaquille O’Neal’s autograph on them.
Elizabeth picks up the phone while Enid smiles smugly.
At the Moon Beach, Winston is handing out copies of Mr. Russo’s letter:
I would like you to fully appreciate Bruce’s outfit for a moment. I mean, a bubblegum pink polo with a seafoam green sweater? And khakis? I’m going to file this under outfits I need to purchase for my own closet.
Also, if I had been Sweet Valley High’s head of merchandising in the 90s, I would have definitely pitched the idea for a pocketbook entitled Bruce’s Closet. But that’s neither here nor there.
Jessica strolls into the Moon Beach and instantly pounces on Winston.
Winston hands her a letter. Jessica very pointedly asks if he got it from Mr. Russo’s computer.
Jessica bets Winston saw some juicy stuff on that computer. Winston shrugs and says most of it was boring chemistry shit.
Ah, the age old story. Girl meets desperate boy. Girl manipulates desperate boy for chemistry answers. Boy delivers, and is promptly disposed of. Winston, you impressionable fool.
Jessica beckons Winston over to a booth at the back of the Moon Beach. At this point, I’m feeling distinctly uncomfortable. How old are these children? Twelve?
In any case, the game is afoot.
Jessica grabs Winston by the shirt and tells him that there comes a time in every woman’s life where she can no longer deny herself. She needs a man.
"I need you," she says, looking deep into Winston’s eyes.
I only have one reaction to this scene:
Now that the show has made 100% sure that our minds are in the gutter, the scene cuts to this:
Jessica asks Winston to go get her some water. Mind you, they’re at the Wakefield household. Jessica is a shitty host.
She begins rummaging through Winston’s backpack, searching for Russo’s password. Winston is stupidly getting Jessica a glass of water from her own fucking kitchen even though he’s technically the guest.
Elizabeth walks in. She says hello to Winston, who’s in the kitchen cutting up a lemon for Jessica’s glass of water.
Elizabeth notices Jessica going through Winston’s stuff, but Jessica grabs Winston and leaves before Elizabeth can call her out on it.
That glass of water, by the way? Dumped down the drain. Fucking Jessica.
Jessica takes Winston to school. She’s done playing around, damnit.
"This isn’t what I had in mind," Winston says, standing in the doorway of Mr. Russo’s office.
"Really?" Jessica asks sweetly. "I find it stimulating."
Now if Winston wasn’t nervous before, he sure as fuck is now.
I apologize for the number of quotes in this entry, but I literally cannot make lines like, “I can’t help myself, I guess. Computers turn me on.” funnier than they already are. This episode is doing my fucking job for me.
Winston, who I’m sure will develop a brain at some point during this episode, hacks into Mr. Russo’s computer again.
The next morning, Elizabeth is yelling at somebody over the phone. Apparently her package is going to be “late.” That’s shady infomercial speak for, “You will never see your package in this lifetime.”
Todd creepily shows up at the back door, a present in his hand. Good lord.
Elizabeth tries to convince Todd that their anniversary is actually next Friday.
Now I’m not sure when the fuck this next scene happens. It’s either that afternoon (which implies that Todd came over early just to give Elizabeth her gift), or the next day. Choose your own adventure, kids! As far as I’m concerned, this is happening the next day.
The exam is apparently hard as fuck, because there’s a montage of all the students half-sobbing.
Jessica, of course, is having the time of her life. Mr. Russo actually looks like he’s having a good time too.
I just want to point out to you that there are graduated cylinders and beakers full of chemicals in this classroom. Nobody is wearing safety goggles. Mr. Russo should be fired immediately.
At the Moon Beach, everybody is crying about the test. Jessica claims it was a piece of cake. And, as I predicted…
Later, in the most dangerous fucking chemistry classroom in the history of the universe…
Manny got a C- by the way, which I thought was rather good. For Manny, that is.
Jessica got a fucking A+.
The bell rings, but Jessica is told to stay behind. Wonder what for…
Mr. Russo’s mother didn’t raise no fool. He knows it was Jessica.
To get out of suspension, Jessica pins it all on Winston.
Mr. Russo suspends Jessica despite her accusations. He’s a man of science, a man of science who willingly lets his students inhale the toxic vapors of boiling mixtures during a test.
Jessica proves Winston’s guilt by pulling out Mr. Russo’s letter to Rosemary. I’m not sure how this proves that it was Winston, but then again literally nothing has made sense since after the opening credits.
Mr. Russo suspends Winston. He really does not play around. Most schools give you a zero if you cheat - but Sweet Valley High will kick your ass right onto the curb.
At the Moon Beach, Winston is trying to look on the bright side of things. While trying to be optimistic, he comes to the following conclusions:
he probably won’t be getting that scholarship he’s been working toward
actually, he probably won’t graduate at all
without a high school diploma, he should probably kiss his career in medicine goodbye
Elizabeth tells Winston that nobody will even notice what’s happened. Oh, Elizabeth. If only that were true.
Winston still doesn’t know how the test got out.
At the Wakefield household, Elizabeth scolds Jessica for letting Winston take the fall. Jessica, who is stone cold, tells Elizabeth that the squad needs her - but who needs Winston, really?
At school, Mr. Russo is practicing some chemistry.
That graduated cylinder is fucking enormous. Either Sweet Valley High’s chemistry department has a massive budget, or Mr. Russo is mixing strawberry soda with green food coloring.
Elizabeth shows up, and tells Mr. Russo that Winston is innocent. Apparently, she can prove it, too.
After hearing this, Jessica walks into Mr. Russo’s office. There’s a kid in there shoving a screwdriver into a printer. Jessica tells him that the faculty supply closet has been left unlocked, and that he can probably steal some new toner. This printer-obsessed soul says, “Cool!” and leaves Jessica alone with Mr. Russo’s computer.
Jessica puts in the password, only to have a message pop up telling her to turn around.
Mr. Russo sends Jessica to Mr. Cooper’s office, and gives Winston detention for fucking around with his computer in the first place.
A week later, after getting a pile of make-up work thrown at her, Jessica finds herself turning to Winston for help. She asks him to write her papers for her.
Todd walks over to Elizabeth’s locker, where he wishes her a happy anniversary for the third fucking time.
I don’t know what the hell Todd gives her, but Elizabeth calls them beautiful. And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Elizabeth’s gift to Todd.
Elizabeth rolls her eyes and says “I’m gonna kill those guys!” before the episode ends.
I have nothing witty to say to you, reader, but I do have something to share. While watching this hilarious episode on YouTube, I combed through the comments. While doing so, I came across this:
I literally couldn’t believe my eyes, but IMDB confirmed it:
Mr. Russo fucking watched the episode. If that doesn’t make your week, then I don’t know what will.
Well, readers, we meet again. I made a smart decision and decided to not spend my winter break slowly losing brain cells by marathon-watching Sweet Valley High. However, upon seeing that people have actually been enjoying seeing this God forsaken show through my cynical eyes, I decided that I should at least attempt to finish what I started. It’s what Elizabeth Wakefield would do.
In case you were wondering, listening to the theme song after weeks of blissful silence is like having your ears filled with lava. At the same time, watching the MS Paint opening reminded me how far humans have come. It was a very confusing fifty-nine seconds, emotionally.
The episode opens with Bruce and Manny in an intimate booth at the Moon Beach. They are sharing a romantic mountain of french fries. Apparently, Bruce has a hotshot uncle who is going to be visiting us here in Sweet Valley. Bruce has to pick him up. Manny makes the following suggestion:
Before I say anything else, I just want to direct your attention to Bruce’s fantastic outfit. Look at those white booty shorts. What I wouldn’t give to be able to pull off that ensemble.
Anyway, Manny is an asshole and doesn’t know how to be a proper host. Bruce tells him to shut the fuck up. His uncle is rich. He isn’t going to take a goddamned cab.
News that Bruce’s uncle is visiting travels through the Moon Beach like wildfire. Uncle Andy is a commercial director. But since this is Sweet Valley we’re talking about…
No, Elizabeth. He’s a commercial director.
See, if Uncle Andy were actually trying to move up from directing commercials, do you really think he would choose Sweet fucking Valley for the backdrop of his debut film?
The news of Uncle Andy’s visit literally went through three people before it turned into this steaming pile of bullshit. If, by some miracle, the joy of Christmas cleansed your brain of all Sweet Valley-related thoughts, then here is a friendly reminder: everybody in Sweet Valley is a fucking idiot.
Jessica and Lila are understandably suspicious. Enid disappears, saying she has to buy a new “everything,” if she is going to be discovered. Jessica and Lila are apparently going to be shopping at whatever the hell House of Chic is.
In a perfect world, this episode would end right now just to spare me.
Of course, instead of shopping, Jessica and Lila crash Bruce and Manny’s date. Apparently Jessica has been cast as Lady Macbeth in the school’s production of Macbeth. Lila has been cast as Witch #2. Both of them think Uncle Andy should attend.
Fortunately for Uncle Andy, he’s going to be missing Sweet Valley High’s production of Macbeth. We are all spared. Shakespeare’s ghost is truly watching over us.
At school, Jessica is talking to Steven, who is supposed to be reviewing Macbeth for the school newspaper. Jessica convinces him to push the job onto someone else and go see Pearl Jam instead.
I have no idea who this kid is. I don’t think he knows who he is. Is he actually an important character, or just a lucky extra? Stay tuned.
Guess who has to review Macbeth now, though:
Meanwhile, in the hallway, we find out who is playing the role of Macbeth:
No offense to Winston, but this play sounds like it’s going to be a disaster. Does anybody at Sweet Valley High even know how to act? Where are the obnoxious theatre kids? So many questions, all of which will remain unanswered forever.
After Winston leaves, Enid shows up to announce that Macbeth is officially sold out. Enid’s friend says it’s a shame that Bruce Patman’s (COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR) uncle won’t be there. One of them might have been discovered!
As as side note, I want all of you to know that Lila shouts all of her lines. Because that’s just what this show was missing. Non-stop screeching.
Jessica heads over to the Oracle office, and the ‘up-to-no-good’ music begins to play in the background. She instantly preys on a poor child named Chuckie, who almost shits himself when she speaks to him.
I should probably just point out that Chuckie is a fucking idiot. I mean, it’s a given because we’re watching Sweet Valley High, but maybe you had hope that we would be graced with a character with some semblance of a brain.
"He’s just been introduced!" you say. "How could you call him an idiot already?"
Jessica tells this God forsaken soul that the best way to get to know somebody is by doing a favor for them. Chuckie responds with the following: “You want to do me a favor?”
Oh, Chuckie. Son. No.
Now that we’ve established where this kid is at intellectually, let’s carry on with the episode, shall we?
I usually watch this show with a straight face, but I literally screamed when Jessica pulled this photo out. That’s a still from the episode in which Dakota fucking Johnson, the twenty-seven year old tortured artist who still attends high school, paints Jessica nude despite the fact that she was wearing a bikini while modeling for him. Throwback Tuesday, my friends. #tbt #dakotajohnson #expeldakota2k15
Chuckie agrees to send Bruce’s uncle the review once Jessica promises him an autographed copy of the photo.
I can’t live like this.
Opening night has finally arrived.
Todd is glad he doesn’t have to read the Cliffs Notes on Macbeth for his paper. I’m happy for him.
The play is a fucking disaster.
Jessica literally spots a babe in the audience and, after saying ‘Fie, my lord, fie,’ she says, ‘Hi, my lord, hi.’
We’re graced with a montage of Jessica fucking up every scene in the play.
The next day, everybody is waiting for Elizabeth’s review of the play.
Elizabeth wrote that Jessica’s performance was “overperformed and loosely interpreted.” B U R N.
Jessica decides to take Elizabeth’s critique with an open mind, and use it to rethink the choices she makes as an actress.
Just kidding. She storms into the Oracle instead.
That’s Elizabeth behind the door, by the way. Her entire team betrays her by staring pointedly in her direction. I, too, would want to stay out of this bullshit. These kids are here so they can show off about an extracurricular activity on their college applications. I don’t know what category ‘defusing a fight between the Wakefield twins,’ would fall under, but it sure as fuck wouldn’t get them into college.
Elizabeth is a stone cold bitch. Jessica storms out, stopping only to rip up the picture she gave to Chuckie. What a chump.
You know what, though? I love Chuckie. After Jessica rips up the photo, he shrugs and says, “Wallet size.” I wish he’d join the main cast.
At the Moon Beach, Jessica is still sulking. Lila comes in with some great news: she’s been cast in Uncle Andy’s movie (COMMERCIAL)!
Lila apparently got the job by stalking the fuck out of Uncle Andy. Jessica thinks that’s tacky, but Lila throws the whole ‘sending-Uncle-Andy-a-bikini-picture’ in Jessica’s face.
Back at the parent-free Wakefield residence, Jessica is still furious. Elizabeth is pathetically trying to defend herself.
Jessica tells Elizabeth that her chance at stardom has been destroyed. Fucking Elizabeth. If you hadn’t been objective, then Jessica would have been cast in a movie (COMMERCIAL)!
The scene cuts to a bunch of guys in costume beating the shit out of each other. Elizabeth and Todd climb out of a nearby car. It seems that Elizabeth wants to talk to Uncle Andy. However, the set is closed.
We FINALLY get a glimpse of Uncle Andy:
There we have it. Elizabeth’s review of Macbeth had nothing to do with Lila being cast.
Someone dropped out last minute, so Andy offers a job to Elizabeth. She refuses, but tells him that Jessica would kill to do the job.
"Great, great," Andy says. "We shoot the commercial tomorrow at nine AM.”
That’s right, kids. Andy Patman directs commercials. But we knew that already.
At the Moon Beach, Jessica is plotting to kill Lila. She hides a ‘WET FLOOR’ warning under her booth as Lila strolls by. Lila’s actress lets out the fakest scream of her career, and falls flat on the floor.
Elizabeth and Todd pull up to the Moon Beach. They bump into Jessica in the parking lot and tell her the good news. Jessica is in a hurry to leave the scene of her crime though, so Elizabeth doesn’t get to tell her the most crucial piece of information: SHE’S GOING TO BE SHOOTING A FUCKING COMMERCIAL.
Lilla comes into work anyway, much to Jessica’s horror. She’s using crutches though, so Uncle Andy switches their parts. Jessica thinks she’s won. Except…
She’s dressed as a giant fucking tomato. That’s showbiz, kid.
The episode ends with everybody howling with laughter at Jessica’s poor luck. Uncle Andy probably goes back to wherever the fuck he came from and seeks therapy, if only to remove all traces of Sweet Valley from his mind.
In a house somewhere in Sweet Valley, Steven, who was meant to write the original review, is hanging up his Pearl Jam poster.
As a side note, thank you to the ten people who are following this blog! Two of you are related to me, and were forced to click the follow button. The remaining eight of you, however, have my gratitude.
Now that Francine Pascal’s young-adult series Sweet Valley High has spawned the recent Sweet Valley Confidential and the new e-book series The Sweet Life, perhaps it’s time to explore how your Sweet Valley High gets made. I interviewed Ryan Nerz, 38, author of Eat This Book and the forthcoming MARIJUANAMERICA, and a former ghostwriter for the Sweet Valley High series (in 1998). He talks about how he, a straight man, got inside the heads of teen girls, how smoking pot helped the creative process, and how he wrote his bros into the lives of Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield.…
I read this in bed one night, and promptly had nightmares about the image used in the article. If you hover over the picture, the words ‘WHO’S THAT GUY?’ pop up. I wish I knew.
Look out for a new SVH Recap this weekend! Will it be good? Probably. Will the episode be good? Hell no.
Here’s a refreshing bit of information for you today, reader: this episode does not center in on how identical Jessica and Elizabeth are. We are spared.
After thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime while listening to the opening theme song, I see this:
An unflattering image of Principal Cooper, up on what I’m assuming is a cork board that is being used exclusively to make fun of people who aren’t up to Sweet Valley’s strange standards of beauty.
But that isn’t important. What’s important is that Jessica has her eyes set on Dakota Johnson.
Too bad he already has a muse, huh? And guess who that muse is…
I wonder how long Dakota has been in the tenth grade for. Three years? Four? We just don’t know.
Anyway, in Dakota’s eyes, Enid embodies the spirit of Sweet Valley. I can’t argue with his assessment, considering how annoying and obnoxious Enid is. Spirit of Sweet Valley indeed.
Jessica is not having any of this. She embodies the spirit of Sweet Valley. Fuck Enid. Now all she has to do is make Dakota see the error of his ways, or dispose of Enid in a dastardly fashion. If the suspense is killing you as much as it is me, you’ll want to stay tuned.
Meanwhile, in a shadowy hallway:
Sweet Valley High does not have any rules about public displays of affection. Love is a beautiful thing. Everybody celebrates the sight of a basketball playing earthworm sucking the life force out of a young girl.
Fortunately for us, the kiss is cut short by Winston, who pops up with his camera.
Back at the cork board of shame, or the ‘Graffiti Wall,’ as Winston calls it, Bruce and Manny are acting like Principal Cooper’s picture is the funniest thing they have ever seen in their entire sixteen years of living.
Principal Cooper takes down the picture anyway because, fuck it, he is an authority figure at this shit show of a school, and authority figures deserve respect.
The students are outraged.
Principal Cooper tells the students that, although he did tell them that they could put whatever they wanted on the Graffiti Wall, he draws the line at personal attacks. I’m glad Principal Cooper is finally putting his foot down.
Todd suddenly exclaims, “Isn’t that CENSORSHIP?” Elizabeth chimes in with, “What about FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION?”
This scene should have ended with the kids realizing that bullying is a serious issue, and that some topics (such as personal appearance and/or hair loss) can be a sore spot. Instead, it ends like this:
Meanwhile, in a classroom that has been renovated to cater to the needs of one individual student…
I literally almost cough up a lung because after staring at a blank canvas for a few seconds, Dakota paints one crooked blue line and looks proud.
Jessica walks in, closing the door behind her. The game is afoot, ladies and gents.
Dakota is massively rude to Jessica. This should make her realize that he’s literally a human trash can, but no.
I would just like to add that he keeps painting crooked blue lines while Jessica talks to him. They probably represent his inner turmoil.
Jessica tries to flatter Dakota by saying, “Creative men are so…creative.” Get your shit together, Jessica. That is some Winston-level flirting. You’re supposed to be an expert at this.
Dakota remembers that he needs someone to housekeep for him, so he gets Jessica to wash his brushes. Enid throws the door open, concealing Jessica behind it.
I am going to remind you for the third time that there are two crooked blue lines on that canvas. Enid is shitting herself over two crooked blue lines.
Dakota puts us all in our places by telling Enid that he’s TESTING COLORS, not MAKING ART. Boy, do I feel like an idiot! I, too, test colors on massive, expensive pieces of canvas. I’m so sorry for doubting your artistic integrity, Dakota. I’m sure the art department has enough money to indulge you.
Anyway, it turns out that Dakota is painting Enid tomorrow at the beach. “Dress comfortable,” he says, still staring at the two crooked blue lines on his canvas. He is starting to feel an emotional connection to those lines. They speak to him.
Enid leaves, and Jessica begins to plot.
At the Moon Beach, Enid is having a milkshake all by her lonesome until Jessica drops by in a fake panic.
Jessica’s plan works. She promises to tell Dakota off for Enid’s sake.
At the Oracle, Principal Cooper is getting on Elizabeth’s case for publishing an article about his decision to ‘censor students.’
Elizabeth stands her ground, insisting that Principal Cooper is censoring the student body.
Jessica goes to the beach, where we see this:
It’s a fucking lake. When Dakota said ‘beach,’ I pictured sand and, oh, I don’t know, SALT WATER. Everybody at Sweet Valley High is an idiot.
Jessica tells Dakota that Enid “totally flaked.” He tells her to repeat herself in English. What a pretentious dick.
Jessica unzips her getup, offering to be the subject of Dakota’s painting.
Dakota paints Jessica, and she gets everything she wanted, even if he’s difficult as fuck to work with and turns down all her suggestions in regards to her pose.
At Sweet Valley High, Bruce Patman is checking himself out in his locker mirror. Winston materializes out of nowhere and snaps a picture:
Winston flies down the hall with Bruce at his heels growling, “Pray I don’t catch you, Eggwad!”
We see a short scene at the lake - sorry, beach - where Dakota tells Jessica that she can only see the painting at the unveiling. What a sketchy piece of shit.
At the mall, Jessica shows off about the fact that she got to be the subject of Dakota’s painting.
Lila says, “SOUNDS HOT,” way too loudly and Jessica responds with, “Your curling iron hasn’t seen this kind of heat.”
I seriously think I may die. I have never laughed so hard in my life. God bless this show and all the expressions it will inevitably add to my vocabulary. I should retake the GRE exam. I have no doubts that my writing score will vastly improve.
The art show rolls around.
Okay, Todd. I just…okay. Be quiet. Nobody cares.
Principal Cooper announces that they will be unveiling the work of Dakota…Dancer? What the fuck? I thought his last name was Johnson. How many times am I going to mishear things on this show? Should I start a tally?
Anyway, since I know you’re dying of anticipation, here is the painting:
Jessica has been painted fully nude. Good lord.
Bruce and Manny start clapping, because it’s the only naked woman they will ever see in their lives.
At the Moon Beach, everybody is talking about how Jessica has no shame.
Winston kind of looks apologetically at Jessica and doesn’t say anything. Manny’s question is likely serious because he probably never has and never will understand what realistic anatomical proportions are.
Nobody believes poor Jessica, not even Lila.
Fortunately, Elizabeth flies to Jessica’s rescue. Sort of.
I’m kind of annoyed at Elizabeth’s reluctance to help Jessica. Her sister was painted nude without consent and she’s here wondering if Jessica is telling the truth.
Once Elizabeth is 100% convinced that Jessica is telling the truth, they begin Operation: Destroy Dakota Dickbag.
Dakota tells Elizabeth that he captured “the beauty and spirit of the human form,” and that “clothes are immaterial.” Can somebody fucking expel this kid already?
More importantly, Dakota says that Jessica was never nude, because she “didn’t have to be.”
Elizabeth records everything Dakota says. Phase one of the plan is complete.
Also, Todd says his second, “I’m gonna kill that guy,” of the season. Everybody apologizes to Jessica, and Winston hands over the photos that were taken at the art show. Now all photographic evidence of the painting is destroyed. All that’s left is the artwork itself.
It’s all you, Jessica.
Jessica invites Dakota to the ‘beach’ to celebrate his success.
Jessica tells him to get undressed while she grabs some towels from the car.
By the time he’s done, he’s greeted with this sight:
Jessica tells Dakota that the entire school will see his tiny little friend if he doesn’t fix his painting.
Sure does, Dakota. Too bad you had to get a taste of your own medicine before realizing how truly disgusting and inappropriate you were. Them’s the breaks, asshole.
The painting now looks like this:
As it turns out, Dakota is a terrible artist. Jessica is teased a little bit about the original, but we shouldn’t really expect much from Sweet Valley High.
Oh, and Principal Cooper has realized the errors of his ways:
Jessica gives Dakota the negatives of his nudes. However…
Oh, boy, here it goes. Two episodes down, 86 to go.
The episode opens with Elizabeth telling Jessica that she should date guys who are more like Todd. This is hilarious, considering that they were broken up last episode as a result of Todd's obnoxious controlling behavior. Jessica and I have more or less the same reaction:
The twins see Mr. Collins putting up a notice calling for news anchors for some ridiculous student news channel. Elizabeth thinks this is a wonderful opportunity. Jessica thinks it's stupid.
That is, until she meets Wes Franklin, who has to be at least twenty five:
As it turns out, Wes Franklin attends Sweet Valley University. You'd think Jessica would be put off by 'college guys,' after what happened with Scott Daniels. Speaking of Scott Daniels, we can only assume that he is now looking for an attorney to represent him in an upcoming lawsuit.
Anyway, back to Wes. He dresses like this:
He has to be harmless, what with his rolled up V-neck blouse, his white shorts and his brown boots with the socks peeking out. With a fashion sense like that, how can Jessica resist?
Anyway, Wes kind of ends up putting a damper on the mood that Jessica has spent all of three minutes trying to conjure.
Jessica decides that she's going to audition. At lunch, Elizabeth gets all sassy and threatened, but Jessica doesn't give a shit.
Speaking of lunch, here's Winston with his:
Bruce Patman has apparently been bullying Winston for ages. Winston is understandably tired of this. Bruce suddenly says that he and Winston should call a truce.
They shake hands. Manny, the asshole kid who is sitting in front of Bruce, laughs. We know something is up. They are lulling Winston into a false sense of security.
A pretty girl walks by, and Bruce convinces Winston to go talk to her. I'm already cringing. Carve the words DIED OF SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT AFTER WATCHING SWEET VALLEY HIGH on my gravestone.
Fortunately, Winston never gets to go up and make a fool of himself, because Bruce Patman has glued him to the bench. That's right. He apparently emptied a whole bottle of glue onto the chair, Winston sat on it, and I'm supposed to believe that he didn't feel the glue seep up through the seat of his pants. Cool.
Manny ends this scene by saying, "Tough break, eggplant!" Keep those creative nicknames coming, Manny. Your ability to add prefixes and suffixes to the word 'egg' will probably be the only marketable skill you'll ever have.
Principal Cooper walks by and tells Winston to quit "that horse play." I frankly have no idea what part of sitting down constitutes horse play, but I can tell you that Principle Cooper's inability to do his job probably explains a lot about Sweet Valley High.
Elizabeth, meanwhile, is working late at the Oracle, preparing her audition. Mr. Collins comes up to her and basically asks her why the hell she's at school. He may not have said those exact words, but you can bet he was thinking them.
In the parking lot, Winston is trying to get back at Bruce for screwing around with him. He starts to let air out of Bruce's tires. Bruce and Manny show up, having an idiotic conversation about how Bruce is going to be on the student news channel because he "owes it to those simpletons."
Winston, who is usually smarter than this, hides under Bruce's fucking car and almost gets killed as they drive away.
Yes, Winston, you most certainly do. We can only hope that this brush with death will convince Winston not to fight fire with fire.
But since this is an episode of Sweet Valley High, he'll probably only realize the error of his ways as the grave digger is piling dirt on his coffin.
Moving on.
We're graced with an audition montage. Elizabeth is full of pep, Jessica is holding her notes upside down, and Winston is doing this:
I actually find this endearing, since all the other students are trying to hog the limelight. But titling your segment Eggman Weather may not get Bruce Patman off your back, Winston. In fact, it may do the opposite. But carry on. You do you, etc.
At this point in the montage, Jessica is up to fifty-two takes and Todd shows up for the first time.
I have no idea what Todd is trying out for. He literally hasn't prepared anything special. At least Lila and Winston made signs that let me know what sort of segments they prepared.
Back at the Wakefield house, Elizabeth is showing Jessica her audition tape.
Elizabeth asks Jessica to put on her audition tape, but Jessica refuses, saying that she wouldn't want to make Elizabeth's audition look bad. Elizabeth goes upstairs. Now, who wants to bet that Jessica is going to pass off Elizabeth's tape as her own?
What a surprise. Nobody will notice, of course, because Jessica and Elizabeth are the most identical twins in the universe. They can't even tell themselves apart sometimes. It's crazy.
At school, Mr. Collins and Wes are going through the audition tapes.
What purpose does Wes' forehead scarf serve, by the way? It certainly isn't holding his hair back. Is it super hot at the Oracle? Is he trying to hide a zit? Or is this another one of his interesting fashion choices? I'm going to go with that last one there. I think I see the white shorts peeking out.
They put in Elizabeth's tape, which is actually Jessica's. They barely get through one second of it.
Mr. Collins is pissed because he was counting on Elizabeth. She has made a mockery of journalism. His hopes in her are destroyed. Wes puts in Jessica's tape, and he and Mr. Collins are blown away.
Wes walks out with the list of people who are going to get to grace the screens of Sweet Valley High. For some reason, I'm starting to think his name is Russ. I really can't tell, and I really don't care.
Bruce Patman gets editorial, and Jessica gets anchor.
Elizabeth didn't get shit. Todd, hilariously, has an Assignment to go pick up from Mr. Collins. Dazzle everybody with your charisma, Todd. I believe in you.
Mr. Collins tells Elizabeth that some people can't do TV for shit, that she is one of those people, and that she can be on the crew.
Later that night, at the Moon Beach, Todd is trying to comfort Elizabeth.
Jessica and Wes show up. I am now 110% convinced that his name is Russ. I misheard Jessica the first time. We'll keep going with Wes, if only to stay consistent. Jessica says something to the effect of, "See you on air, assholes!"
Elizabeth decides to go home, because she "feels a murder coming on." I know how Elizabeth is feeling even before she says so, judging by the screencap above this one. I'm turning into one of them.
Lila shows up and starts flirting with Wes, who almost chokes on his drink. This is the appropriate reaction to a teenager flirting with you, Wes.
Jessica tells Wes they should leave, before Lila comes back and ruptures a hormone. I am not an expert on endocrinology, but I'm pretty sure you cannot rupture a signaling molecule. I'm sure the writers of Sweet Valley High know this. They were probably done with caring by the end of the first episode.
Bruce Patman pulls up to the Moon Beach, and Winston sees his chance for revenge. He climbs into the dumpster next to Bruce's car. He does this because he wants to toss a couple of trash bags in there. Except by the time he tosses one, Bruce is gone. In his place is...
Principal Cooper. Oh, Winston.
The next morning, Jessica bursts into Elizabeth's room.
Jessica needs Elizabeth to write her stories for her, because she needs to give herself a quick bikini wax before school. I'm not making this shit up. Elizabeth agrees, and Jessica promises to tell Mr. Collins that Elizabeth wrote the stories. Sure you will, Jessica.
At school, Elizabeth finds Jessica's audition tape and decides to watch it. She instantly sees that it is in fact her audition tape.
Jessica needs her stories, so Elizabeth hands her blank pieces of paper.
Jessica has to go on air. She tries to tell Mr. Collins about the stories, but he tells her to pipe down and do her damn job.
Jessica eventually realizes that she's royally screwed, and lets Elizabeth take her place.
Mr. Collins is not happy.
Elizabeth performs her segment flawlessly. Up next: Bruce with...I actually don't know what he's doing. His segment is called the Patman Perspective, so I'm guessing that he pretty much talks shit.
Winston finally sees his chance to screw with Bruce from behind the scenes.
Nobody actually does anything to fix this, because everybody fucking hates Bruce.
Bruce's segment is a disaster. He's talking about how much he loves money - the way it looks, feels, and smells. The crew is laughing at him. Screw you, Bruce, you deserve it.
Jessica tries to convince Wes that she's still worth his time. It doesn't go well.
Good for you, Wes/Russ. Set those standards nice and high.
Alright, before we get this show on the road, I want to talk about the opening sequence. Nothing I could possibly say could ever capture the magic of the opening sequence of Francine Pascal’s Sweet Valley High, so you should listen to it on YouTube while I say what I want to say.
The opening song starts as such:
Look right down any crowded hall
You’ll see there’s a beauty standing
Okay, cool. We’re clearly talking about either Jessica or Elizabeth Wakefield. We’re looking down one of the crowded halls of Sweet Valley High. We see a twin. Great. Next comes this set of lyrics:
Is she really everywhere
Or a reflection
Wait, what? We see one (1) beauty standing down the hall, but now we’re supposed to be thinking that we’re seeing two? When did we see the other beauty? The lyrics should probably go something like this:
Look right down any crowded hall
You’ll see there’s a beauty standing
When you turn around the corner
You see her again
I am clearly not a lyricist, but you know what I mean. The first time I heard the theme song, I could only think, ‘???’
The rest of the lyrics don’t matter. There are two beauties at Sweet Valley High. Everybody else is ugly and boring. Let’s move on.
The episode begins with Jessica and Elizabeth arriving at Sweet Valley High’s homecoming dance.
What the fresh hell are you wearing, Elizabeth? This is a homecoming dance, not your book club. I hope you remember that baby pink cardigan, because we’re going to see it every other episode. Elizabeth is going to be buried in that cardigan.
Sweet Valley High’s homecoming dance doesn’t have a dress code, by the way. The kid behind Elizabeth apparently got an invitation to a formal, and the kid behind Jessica dropped in on his way to pick up a Valley Burger™ from the Dairi Burger™, which has been replaced by the Moon Beach™. Please do not get attached to anything in Sweet Valley. Everything gets replaced. Except that pink cardigan. You can get attached to that.
Jessica and Elizabeth instantly split up. They may be identical, but they are so different. Remember this.
This poor, fashion-challenged child comes up to Jessica and this happens:
You guys, Jessica and Elizabeth are SO IDENTICAL that their classmates can’t even tell them apart! Being a twin is so exhausting!
Anyway, Jessica tells the girl to piss off. The girl of course, apologizes. It’s not her fault that the twins are identical! Lila, who is one of the few people who looks like she’s dressed for a homecoming dance, says that it looks like Elizabeth is getting votes from all the nerds.
Enid walks in.
There aren’t very many things you need to know about Enid, other than that she’s massively annoying and can’t get a boyfriend. These things may or may not go hand-in-hand. Enid is Elizabeth’s best friend.
Todd Wilkins and Winston Egbert show up. I love Winston. I think it’s best if we get this out of the way now. He is the only person in Sweet Valley with some semblance of a brain, and is probably the only person at Sweet Valley High who has any sense of logic.
He is Todd’s best friend. I hate Todd, and I don’t know why anybody would want to be his best friend. There are only three things you need to know about Todd: he is Elizabeth’s boyfriend, he likes basketball, and he looks like an earthworm.
I know I just told you that Elizabeth and Todd are dating, but right now, they’re broken up. But even when they’re broken up, they’re together.
Elizabeth looks over at Todd. Todd gives her this look:
Meanwhile, Jessica has promised dates to all the boys who voted for her. Lila asks her about it, and Jessica acts insulted.
Todd is crying to Winston, probably taking a big shit on Winston’s good time.
Yup, there it is. Elizabeth broke up with Todd because he nominated her for homecoming queen. Here is how Elizabeth feels about this:
Enid, of course, doesn’t have any useful advice to give Elizabeth. She literally says, “I wouldn’t mind being smothered by a guy like Todd.”
Shut the fuck up, Enid. Elizabeth is a strong woman, and she isn’t going to let her sixteen year old earthworm boyfriend make all of her life choices. Todd didn’t ask her if he could nominate her, he just did it. Todd is an entitled shit like that. Enid finally asks a good question, wondering why Elizabeth didn’t pull out. Elizabeth found out when it was too late. What if it turns out that people actually like her enough and she WINS? Elizabeth lives a very hard life.
What happens next is not a joke. This guy shows up:
This is Scott Daniels. He is a college freshman. He came to Sweet Valley High’s dance alone. Does his parole officer know about this? Probably not.
Jessica, of course, is all over the idea of sinking her teeth into a college freshman.
Meanwhile…
Bruce Patman, who needs to try harder to convince me that he’s sixteen years old, tells the crowd to pipe down. It’s time to cause a rift between Jessica and Elizabeth. Will the homecoming queen be Princess Amy Sutton?
The hell it will be. Amy Sutton doesn’t have a twin. Because of this, she’s practically up for disqualification. Get the hell out of here, Amy.
In the most shocking plot twist of the season, Elizabeth wins:
Another shocking thing happens: Winston wins the title of homecoming king.
You go, Winston. Now take that crown and go to a school that will actually help you prep for college.
I really want you to pause for a moment now and mentally prepare yourself. Bruce tells the King and Queen to take their first dance. This scene isn’t cute, nor is it necessary. I am going to save you the embarrassment of seeing Elizabeth Wakefield and Winston Egbert grind in the middle of a high school gymnasium. Just know that it makes Todd make this face:
After three excruciating minutes of watching alleged sixteen year olds get down and dirty on the dance floor, we get to see Elizabeth go up to Todd and ask him for a dance. He still doesn’t understand why she’s angry. Come on, Elizabeth. Earthworms don’t have that kind of emotional capacity. Todd storms off, presumably to burrow under the moist earth to cool off. Scott, the creepy college freshman, sidles up to Elizabeth:
The next morning, Elizabeth is writing in her electronic journal:
I’m gonna say that Elizabeth’s keyboard is probably busted, and that she isn’t choosing to type in all caps like that. Elizabeth is an A+ student. I expect her to know a little bit of grammar.
Jessica bursts in and starts going on and on about the Wonderbra.
I don’t know if this conversation was intentional product placement. Oh, who am I kidding? Yes it was.
Elizabeth’s phone rings. It’s Scott. He wants to ask her out.
Elizabeth, who is a hot mess, tells Scott that she probably shouldn’t, since she’s still technically dating Todd Wilkins. Jessica reminds Elizabeth that she can do better than a basketball-obsessed annelid. Elizabeth agrees to go out with Scott, who is probably high fiving his nonexistent friends.
At school, Enid is talking about something completely unrelated to Elizabeth and Todd…oh, wait, no:
Elizabeth claims she doesn’t know who writes the gossip column in the Oracle, despite being the editor. All she knows is that if the name ever goes public, that person gets dunked in the pool. What a hardcore punishment. The kids at Sweet Valley High are as metal as they come.
Enid disappears, but she is promptly replaced with Todd. Elizabeth is friends with only the most annoying people. It’s because she’s so understanding and patient.
Todd thinks Elizabeth is angry at him because he didn’t dance with her at homecoming.
Elizabeth tells Todd, likely for the thousandth time, that HE DOES NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEIR ISSUES ARE. Todd proposes just forgetting that anything ever happened, but Elizabeth tells him to screw off. She has a hot date. With a college freshman.
Jessica, meanwhile, is scheming to get Scott to go out with her instead:
Later that night, Elizabeth shows Jessica what she’s planning on wearing on her date with Scott.
Ah, yes. Return of the pale pink cardigan. Jessica tells her that she looks like a librarian, and tells her to replace her cardigan with this:
Neither of them understands matching colors. Jessica goes to Scott’s sketchy party. She took Elizabeth’s cardigan, of course. Damn, Scott, you’ve got a hell of a trap set up for you.
Scott asks Jessica if she wants wine or beer, but she asks for a diet cola. He says he’ll have to check, because keeping soda of any kind in a frat house is pretty much unheard of. God, Jessica, are you a teenager or something?
Oh, wait.
The scene cuts to Todd throwing rocks at this:
It’s good to know he has a healthy social life outside of dating Elizabeth. Speaking of Elizabeth, she appears from behind a tree. She and Todd start arguing almost immediately.
Elizabeth schools him, telling him that being in a relationship means they have to work together as a team. Todd apologizes.
They kiss and make up. Good grief.
Meanwhile, at the Moon Beach, Lila has some juicy gossip for everybody:
Todd and Elizabeth walk into the Moon Beach, and rub their salvaged relationship in everybody’s faces:
A few moments later, a drunk frat bro shows up. The Moon Beach serves any and all costumers, even if they are inebriated.
It doesn’t take long for Elizabeth and Todd to realize that Drunk Frat Bro is talking about Jessica.
Back at the frat house, Scott Daniels is doing this:
He creepily says, “I can’t believe you’re only sixteen.” Someone please direct this misguided child to his nearest church.
Jessica takes a sip of her drink, and realizes that it tastes funny.
Scott continues toward his goal of being tried in court for messing around with a minor and asks Jessica up to his room. Jessica is not having any of this. She dumps her drink over his head and storms off.
Fortunately for Jessica, Elizabeth and Todd have just pulled up to the frat house.
When Jessica tells them what happened, Todd utters his first, “I’M GONNA KILL THAT GUY!” of the season. Elizabeth tells him to shut the fuck up, and they take Jessica home.
Later that night, Elizabeth forgets to be sensitive and gives Jessica the silent treatment. She eventually forgives Jessica, though, because they’re sisters and their love is everlasting.
Jessica points out that if she hadn’t gone out with Scott, then Elizabeth would have never gotten back together with Todd. Elizabeth hadn’t thought of it that way, and I’m wondering why everybody is forgetting that Scott Daniels tried to get a minor drunk.
The next day, Todd and Elizabeth have something hilarious planned. It involves getting Jessica to wear Elizabeth’s pale pink cardigan. If people think Jessica is Elizabeth, she’ll get dumped in the pool for allegedly writing that stupid gossip column.
Their ridiculous plan works, but only because Jessica and Elizabeth are 110% identical. Jessica is carried off to the pool. We hear a comical splash, and the episode ends.
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