thinking about understanding toji would be when you use your safe word with him
a/n: this was a request i unfortunately lost the draft to after I accidentally pressed post instead of save (totally my fault)! if you requested this then please know you're welcome back any time :) I rarely write/get asked to write angst and this was so much fun.
to say that today was one of the worst days you've had all year was an understatement.
you try not to mull over the details on the bus ride home, watching the rain pelt against the windows as you try to will down the tears that gather at your waterline. your favorite playlist does little to clam you, the lyrics going in through one ear and out the other as you all but stumble out onto this sidewalk and up the steps of your apartment building.
you'd gotten into a fender bender right after work. the mechanic said it was an easy fix. minimal enough to not total your car, but serious enough to have your trunk of your shitty car crumple like paper upon impact, hanging off its hinges like a loose tooth.
the service cost you just about an arm and a leg. your christmas bonus will be missed, gone before it even had time to settle in your bank account.
it'd be in the shop for at least the rest of the week, he said. your nails form crescents in the meat of your palm as you think about how early you'll have to wake up tomorrow to catch the bus, wiping away another onslaught of tears as you push your front door open and throw your purse onto the ground.
toji is as understanding as ever when you tell him, pulling you into his lap on the couch and hand feeding you popcorn while some nineteen-ninety-something sitcom rattles off on his too-old TV. he squeezes your thigh reassuringly after every sniffle, rubbing soft circles into your skin like you'll break if he stops.
your mind can't help but wander at the feeling of his skin on your. you shyly admit that you need a distraction when the show cuts to commercial, guiding toji's hands under your shirt to rest on your waist, his thumbs resting sweetly under your breasts.
toji gathers you into his arms immediately, and the reassurance feels so nice that you're sure this is what you've been needing. his touch is so warm, so gentle. soft enough to make you whine and writhe as he carries you to the bedroom like you weigh nothing, laying you down on the mattress ever so gently.
except, this doesn't feel right either.
"fuck, feelin' better, pretty girl? want it harder?" he asks you, groaning as he ruts into you slowly, palms kneading your ass like dough.
you're comfortably caged on either side by forearms corded with veiny muscle. you feel good physically, better than you have all day in fact. but you're just so tired. so overwhelmed from the events of today that you can't help but cringe as your eyes begin to sting. soon tears pool right where your face is pressed into the pillows, and before you can give it any more thought, your safe word tumbles out.
toji flinches like he's been burned, hands hovering over where his hands once dug into your skin.
"shit, of course baby." he reassures you, understanding as ever as he pulls out slowly and rolls you onto your back. "are you hurt? ...did i hurt you?" the thought alone has his stomach in knots.
"no, sorry... just tired." you mumble, embarrassment bubbling to the surface as you wipe your eyes with the back of your hand. you don't even know why you're apologizing.
"no shame in that." he says, guiding you to sit up ever so slowly. toji reaches an arm out tentatively, waiting for your nod of approval before wiping your tears away with his thumb.
"m' thirsty." you admit, not meaning to cut him off. you almost cringe at how demanding you sound, but toji doesn't mind at all, evident by how softly he cradles your cheek in his palm. you try to meet his gaze but stop at his collarbones, too afraid of how disappointed he might look.
except, toji raises your gaze for you, and the kindness in his expression is enough to undo the anxiety ball pulsing in your stomach. strong fingers pressed under your chin so your eyes meet his, the scar on his lip twisting into a familiar smile.
"gonna take care of you, okay?"
he works quickly, eyes never leaving you as he drapes a blanket over you and presses a firm kiss to your temple and ducking out for only a moment. he finds you curled up like a cat upon re-entering the bedroom, guiding you to sit up and bringing a bottle of water to your lips.
you take deep breathes in between sips, letting him wipe away the rivets that leak from the sides of your lips.
"got more on your mind?" he asks cautiously, offering you another sip. you let him finish it instead, watching him down the bottle in two swift gulps and discard it somewhere on the nightstand.
"I don't really know, just don't wanna take the bus to work tomorrow." you admit shyly, suddenly all too aware of just how naked the two of you are. the blanket does little to hide your form,
"lemme me drive you then. s' not a problem" he offers, scorching back against the headboard and motioning for you to crawl into his lap. you settle with a sigh, chin resting on his sternum as you mull it over. you're embarrassed to admit that you didn't think it could be that simple.
"as long as its okay with you." you mumble.
"wouldn't have offered if it wasn't." he teases, rubbing up and down the soft curve of your spine with both hands. toji slowly deposits you back onto the mattress, stepping off the bed and turning to you with a look that makes you feel so safe you might just start crying again.
toji reaches his hand out like your savior personified and you swear you hear the angels sing.
"y'wanna take a bath together?" he whispers, "'ill even wash your hair real good for you." there's no lust in his words, only pure, unfiltered, adoration.
you nod a little harder than you need to, feeling giddy at the thought of a much needed scalp massage. you've never felt so loved.
