#tomorrowtoo

[akaiconquistador]

[akaiconquistador]

I need to write more/ thought patterns

I haven't written something meaningful in days. The thing I've found that helps manage stress, keep me on track with progress, come up with new ideas- something I have fun doing, has fallen out of my habit loop.

Anyhow, I think it's important to remember the ideas of Plato's forms. In its simplest, there are two worlds. The body is a physical machine. It has it's one biome of growth. Growth in a given environment shapes/ molds a person and how they learn to live. I question whether how a person is raised also teaches a person patience, how to deal with distractions, how to be kind, and how to gauge what they truly need to obtain what they truly want, as well as the thoughts of thinking behind finding what they need/ need to do and how it is they find what they want.

I think about this whenever I start to have a clear mind. Write now, and it probably stands out in my writing, I do not have the clearest of minds. But I'm in an airbnb waiting for my phone to charge before I go out, and I've been telling myself I want to put some random stuff on tumblr.

When I have the clear mind, the days prior are usually me getting done what needs to get done. On clear mind days, I have things do to, but it's a list of proactive activities, not ones I've been procrastinating over. I wake up early in the morning, before 7am, if I'm lucky 6. The night prior was good sleep. Not a late night watching anime or getting a shitty meal at 9 pm.

After I wake up on a clear mind day, I don't always, if fact I rarely ever realize it's one of those days, though my mind/ body have intuition into helping stay in that clear mind. That being said, the first thing I gravitate towards on a clear mind day in the morning is a cup of water and little time to journal. Journaling at the start of the my day lets me organize and define what I'm going to do for the day. Instead of saying "then I'll play guitar", I'm shifting toward a more definitive plan saying "I'm going to practice blah blah" saying exactly what I'm going to do, sometime within a time frame. It's helped me progress more and has a higher success rate for me actually doing the thing.

I love having a clear mind. I feel smart and am less apt to doing the things that will slow me down(aka pleasure outlets) from the hard work activities connected to growing. Not all days are clear mind days. I would say on average my mind is 60% clear at most times, and I have a very clear day maybe 2 times a week. In that 60% I can still get everything done I need to get done, and I do. But sometimes I'd like to get that clear mindedness, saying upwards of 90% or 95%, on those days. I need it in order to comprehend homework or learn a new song. The times I need it most and can't get to it is when I am the most frustrated. It's truly frustrating when I'm sitting down to say do some homework, knowing I'm not in the clear mind, remembering I was a couple days ago or the day before and I failed to use it to do something "meaningful".

At the farmer's market I bought some mushroom pills that are supposed to help with brain fog and muscle irritation and what not. Talking to the man selling them he was saying how the modern diet doesn't include the nutrients people need to be truly focused, or at least not enough of them. Knowing that my diet was far from what one would call consistently healthy and aware that I constantly had brain fog/ head distractions, I bought the pills and have been trying them out. They've worked pretty good. Great to meditate with.

But anyway, I was confused as to what makes the brain so unpredictable when it comes to focus. Sometimes I can sit and think on a subject for countless minutes, thinking about it deeply and from multiple angles. Other days I sit to think and after many twists and turns wonder how I got on the subject I'm at. This is of course natural, but for me, this off track-ness, lack of focus, digs into my being able to be patient, discipline, and then eats away at my psyche, telling my I myself am off track, my life is going nowhere and I am doing nothing.

I'll come back to this topic/

I'm still finding a way to use this thing(tumblr). I like to write, I like to edit. But when I put something into edit mode it sits and goes nowhere, most of the time. So I might post some gibberish on here sometimes but I'd rather do that sometimes than search for perfection and never have anything.

But yes, I am working on my focus and my discipline. I agree with that one philosopher who said you need to put the body through strain/ hard work or it won't listen to you. I believe the saying was something like that. I haven't worked out for about 3 days and look where I am.. scattered at the least.

But everything will be fine. I am nice to others and wish to grow. This life is quite short so my focus lies in obtaining new information that is fun and intriguing, having fun, seeing cool things, and creating what I can to have a good time and possibly help others do the same.

At some point I hope to go insane if I have not already. Till that day I will sign off. I will write on here more, hopefully with more interesting things to say.

Ciao

[akaiconquistador]

Todäy

Everyday is a buildup to something. At the same time everyday is a fresh beginning. Perspective is all it ever is. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but the choice is always mine.

I love music. I love talking to others, watching movies, being in a busy city and stores. I love many forms of chaos. Flipped, I love silence- or the search of silence that leads to the appreciation of a silent-less world.

Something crazy is going on with circles. How is it that a 3 year old is attracted to a fat ass (voluptuous, large, fine). I have a large fascination with circles and balls.

I started to get bent out of shape because I wasn't putting something on here very often. To be honest, there's no formal purpose or outline for this thing, I just enjoy writing sometimes. But in order to try and feel progress I set mandates for how often I wanted to do it. The mandates might've assisted in me writing here even less. Similarly I've set mandates for other things in my life, without knowing the deeper purpose for why I want that thing. Without knowing a little of why I want something I lack the knowledge to know how to effectively implement change. I will post ideas and journals on here. Stupid shit and maybe some short stories. Something to look back and see my growth. Creative time capsule type shit.

[akaiconquistador]

hairpin curve

Instill or kill a habit: when you want to do it most, saying no; when you don't, doing it regardless.

Behind my eyes are fields that require nourishment. Provided the right nourishment these fields can grow any crop. Seeds are planted. Some grow into key features of the fields. Some die. Some die because I lack the knowledge or discipline to grow them properly. Some crops need to be ripped out.

We should make it a cultural taboo to always be going to fast in life to enjoy in fully.

[akaiconquistador]

October 1st 23’ [today]

Nothing thoughts: a thought that gets utilized in a way that is not beneficial for growth in any way

Something I’ve become aware of is my impulsiveness. My lack of the ability to distinguish decisions and make the right one. Have to give myself the benefit of the doubt and say the key issue is in persistence. Making the right decisions over and over. They say awareness is the first step to change. That and acceptance, which I think(hope) I’m reaching.  

So the problem, it’s been identified. Why do I have problems making the right decisions? I journal a lot. Mostly because I don’t understand a lot of things that happen and get said, also because my memory is dog shit. I’ve done this for the past few years, and I’ve found certain problems and ideas get outlined when I write about them, that is I can see them with much more clarity, much more objectively. So back to the issue of persistence. Another problem is mental fog. My train of thought can be easily mislead into thinking of scenarios, either in the past or present, that have little value to my present self. 

Now I ask myself “how do you know these thoughts have little value; you have no clue which variables will lead to what”, which is very true. Thinking about the future is the most basic way to think of change- “how will/what things change?”. In my terms, think about the saying of “Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning”- Winston Churchill; thinking about the future wasn’t me planning anything out, it was me worrying. For hours this stressful scenario building would take control of my mind. Even when it’s not one continuous thought, I could argue that a build up of small stressful thoughts is worse. 

Safe to say, some things aren’t worth thinking about, at least if not in a productive way. Catching myself “venting”. I’ve heard people say it’s healthy; better out than in right? But now I see venting as a sign of an attachment. Venting is a feedback loop, as least that’s my current belief. 

So, a nothing thought, is more about how you think about a thought; using a thought in a non-productive way, a way that won’t aid in positive growth, is how that thought becomes a nothing thought. Eating right(little preservatives, natural sugars, specific times- not past 9pm) and meditation; I’ve added a prayer for guidance, for both myself and others, into the routine. That’s what I’m doing to try and avoid the creation of nothing thoughts, because I really want to be something. 

[akaiconquistador]

Today 8

Piano is something i'd like to learn. Music theory fills me with intrigue. I yearn to understand it in more detail.

I never want to be scarred of change. Should never fear the inevitable. Controlling fear requires rigorous training. The mind is naturally bad at focusing.

Today I accomplished a means. I am here and tomorrow I will be there. Wherever there is I must seize the time given. Time is the only resource that cannot be replenished.

[akaiconquistador]

Old habits die hard. Cold turkey. But at least we're moving.

It will get better. Hope is not lost.

Little does she know how much I've actually lied about. It doesn't make much sense but what does. Stimulation is all it is.

What makes us feel important is what defines our character. How do you consciously live in a misperception for years. Struggle to get out. As if trapped in a house built of glass. Unable to find the door.

I feel I feel I feel. The thing I despise writing the most. I know you care, they care. The burden I've made them all carry. Work to be out of mind, which doesn't coincide with out of sight.

Walking atop the broken shards of glass, coming to terms that you're the one that caused the havoc, the chaos that left everything unnoticeable from how it once was.

Mistakes are an inescapable means to an end.

[kaphkaesque]

missed a double period to have six rounds of laughing gas today

what is wrong with me