once is never enough

[akaiconquistador]

[akaiconquistador]

no frown

[akaiconquistador]

I need to write more/ thought patterns

I haven't written something meaningful in days. The thing I've found that helps manage stress, keep me on track with progress, come up with new ideas- something I have fun doing, has fallen out of my habit loop.

Anyhow, I think it's important to remember the ideas of Plato's forms. In its simplest, there are two worlds. The body is a physical machine. It has it's one biome of growth. Growth in a given environment shapes/ molds a person and how they learn to live. I question whether how a person is raised also teaches a person patience, how to deal with distractions, how to be kind, and how to gauge what they truly need to obtain what they truly want, as well as the thoughts of thinking behind finding what they need/ need to do and how it is they find what they want.

I think about this whenever I start to have a clear mind. Write now, and it probably stands out in my writing, I do not have the clearest of minds. But I'm in an airbnb waiting for my phone to charge before I go out, and I've been telling myself I want to put some random stuff on tumblr.

When I have the clear mind, the days prior are usually me getting done what needs to get done. On clear mind days, I have things do to, but it's a list of proactive activities, not ones I've been procrastinating over. I wake up early in the morning, before 7am, if I'm lucky 6. The night prior was good sleep. Not a late night watching anime or getting a shitty meal at 9 pm.

After I wake up on a clear mind day, I don't always, if fact I rarely ever realize it's one of those days, though my mind/ body have intuition into helping stay in that clear mind. That being said, the first thing I gravitate towards on a clear mind day in the morning is a cup of water and little time to journal. Journaling at the start of the my day lets me organize and define what I'm going to do for the day. Instead of saying "then I'll play guitar", I'm shifting toward a more definitive plan saying "I'm going to practice blah blah" saying exactly what I'm going to do, sometime within a time frame. It's helped me progress more and has a higher success rate for me actually doing the thing.

I love having a clear mind. I feel smart and am less apt to doing the things that will slow me down(aka pleasure outlets) from the hard work activities connected to growing. Not all days are clear mind days. I would say on average my mind is 60% clear at most times, and I have a very clear day maybe 2 times a week. In that 60% I can still get everything done I need to get done, and I do. But sometimes I'd like to get that clear mindedness, saying upwards of 90% or 95%, on those days. I need it in order to comprehend homework or learn a new song. The times I need it most and can't get to it is when I am the most frustrated. It's truly frustrating when I'm sitting down to say do some homework, knowing I'm not in the clear mind, remembering I was a couple days ago or the day before and I failed to use it to do something "meaningful".

At the farmer's market I bought some mushroom pills that are supposed to help with brain fog and muscle irritation and what not. Talking to the man selling them he was saying how the modern diet doesn't include the nutrients people need to be truly focused, or at least not enough of them. Knowing that my diet was far from what one would call consistently healthy and aware that I constantly had brain fog/ head distractions, I bought the pills and have been trying them out. They've worked pretty good. Great to meditate with.

But anyway, I was confused as to what makes the brain so unpredictable when it comes to focus. Sometimes I can sit and think on a subject for countless minutes, thinking about it deeply and from multiple angles. Other days I sit to think and after many twists and turns wonder how I got on the subject I'm at. This is of course natural, but for me, this off track-ness, lack of focus, digs into my being able to be patient, discipline, and then eats away at my psyche, telling my I myself am off track, my life is going nowhere and I am doing nothing.

I'll come back to this topic/

I'm still finding a way to use this thing(tumblr). I like to write, I like to edit. But when I put something into edit mode it sits and goes nowhere, most of the time. So I might post some gibberish on here sometimes but I'd rather do that sometimes than search for perfection and never have anything.

But yes, I am working on my focus and my discipline. I agree with that one philosopher who said you need to put the body through strain/ hard work or it won't listen to you. I believe the saying was something like that. I haven't worked out for about 3 days and look where I am.. scattered at the least.

But everything will be fine. I am nice to others and wish to grow. This life is quite short so my focus lies in obtaining new information that is fun and intriguing, having fun, seeing cool things, and creating what I can to have a good time and possibly help others do the same.

At some point I hope to go insane if I have not already. Till that day I will sign off. I will write on here more, hopefully with more interesting things to say.

Ciao

[akaiconquistador]

knowing my sources

What do you do when the purpose is now a stranger? Lying down, looking up, knowing at my core I’m not a lazy person, but in the present having a hard time causing action, making any real change. 

That’s a hiccup- real change. When does someone know when they’ve made real change? How do you recognize when change is significant? Questions that can either be answered with more questions or a simple personal truth. 

I’m a fan of analogies and comparing life to a game of cards is one of my favorites. Knowing what you have, how it can be used in different scenarios, and how to read the room. Getting angry over a bad hand is a complete waste of time. Giving in because the pockets start to run thin, only when playing with strategy, not talking gambling. Some hands gotta be folded; better to fold and jump back in than go broke. 

I’m talking my ass off, but analogies keep me sane. Another one of my favorites is the circle: what goes around comes around, the circle of life, planets, orbits, the fact that men like ass and titties, both spherical objects. Anyways, when I get mad, sad, happy, disappointed in myself, proud of myself, motivated to go do shit, and especially when I’m unmotivated, I think of the energy of that feeling and how I share that with everyone else on earth, and how my decision of what energy to act on will contribute to the overall earth energy. Using today as example, I didn’t want to do shit. I was in bed thinking about how life wasn’t turning out the way I’d hoped and that all I wanted to do was stay there, not eat, not put effort into anything significant. In the moment I wasn’t thinking about the energy, but I forced myself to go do some shit, therefore not contributing to the unmotivated energy. Now I had that unmotivated energy to start, and the work I forced myself to do wasn’t the best, but in the end I’m happier I did shitty work then no work. 

Today, in the grand scheme of changing the world, or my town, community, even household, it probably didn’t do much, but repeated energy cannot be ignored. A basketball coach once told me the basketball gods know how much you want it, and the days you’re in the gym sweating your ass off laying brick after brick might just be the most important one.

My takeaway of the day: know my sources of rejuvenation and force myself to perform them on the foggy days. 

[akaiconquistador]

Todäy

Everyday is a buildup to something. At the same time everyday is a fresh beginning. Perspective is all it ever is. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but the choice is always mine.

I love music. I love talking to others, watching movies, being in a busy city and stores. I love many forms of chaos. Flipped, I love silence- or the search of silence that leads to the appreciation of a silent-less world.

Something crazy is going on with circles. How is it that a 3 year old is attracted to a fat ass (voluptuous, large, fine). I have a large fascination with circles and balls.

I started to get bent out of shape because I wasn't putting something on here very often. To be honest, there's no formal purpose or outline for this thing, I just enjoy writing sometimes. But in order to try and feel progress I set mandates for how often I wanted to do it. The mandates might've assisted in me writing here even less. Similarly I've set mandates for other things in my life, without knowing the deeper purpose for why I want that thing. Without knowing a little of why I want something I lack the knowledge to know how to effectively implement change. I will post ideas and journals on here. Stupid shit and maybe some short stories. Something to look back and see my growth. Creative time capsule type shit.

[akaiconquistador]

hairpin curve

Instill or kill a habit: when you want to do it most, saying no; when you don't, doing it regardless.

Behind my eyes are fields that require nourishment. Provided the right nourishment these fields can grow any crop. Seeds are planted. Some grow into key features of the fields. Some die. Some die because I lack the knowledge or discipline to grow them properly. Some crops need to be ripped out.

We should make it a cultural taboo to always be going to fast in life to enjoy in fully.

[akaiconquistador]

October 3 23'

Today today today today today.

I got out of bed but

wait wait wait

…right after waking up

No contemplating life or wondering what they day will bring while lying staring at the ceiling, instead I did that in the mirror while brushing my teeth.

But you see I’ve looked forward to this day, because it might all be in my head(many things are), but the idea of building off actions had been set in my head for a minute or two now. You know like make the good decision now you’re more likely to make it the next time, as in with any decision, but breaking them down to a yes or no of,”based on where I’m trying to go, is this helpful”, anyway.

As of late my focus has been on the morning. Start the morning out with positive action and that will carry out through the rest of the day. The biggest struggle has been getting up immediately, as in sitting up, instead of continuing to lay down. It’s probably a blood thing, gravity and whatnot. This morning I just sat there and breathed for a second, had my eyes closed. It was a little chilly, the fan was on, very quiet but the slight rattle of the fan, it was nice. 

Neural plasticity, I should learn about that shit. I’d say it’s well known humans are habitual creatures, but really how fast do habits get lost and added on; what type of habits correlate to which. Addiction is something I wish to learn more about. The differences between an addiction and an attachment. I googled it, addictions are for substances, attachments are for emotional bonds. Black and white, that makes sense. 

Mapping my things out now, getting more organized with my time. Though some things can’t have accurate estimates as to how long they’ll take, a lot of other things do. So I’ve been, trying to at least, mapping out my time, what some might call a schedule. That’s right, that’s right, on the come up I know. 

Life’s a constant struggle. There are angels and demons. 

One can be hungry and one can be full; alone or with others; wealthy or lower class. No matter what someone is they can still be happy. Wants, and even needs do not ever need to be fully fulfilled to experience each emotion from the depths of sorrow to the hilltops of happiness. Wants and needs never need to be met to convey gratitude and admiration. 

Is emotion a type of matter? We learned matter cannot be created or destroyed, does this mean there’s an equal distribution of emotion throughout the world? Do emotions evolve, or can they be deconstructed like pieces of a recipe? Someone with a Degree in Psychology should answer these questions. 

No matter the answer, I will do my best to spread gratitude and happiness today. Until tomorrow. 

[akaiconquistador]

October 1st 23’ [today]

Nothing thoughts: a thought that gets utilized in a way that is not beneficial for growth in any way

Something I’ve become aware of is my impulsiveness. My lack of the ability to distinguish decisions and make the right one. Have to give myself the benefit of the doubt and say the key issue is in persistence. Making the right decisions over and over. They say awareness is the first step to change. That and acceptance, which I think(hope) I’m reaching.  

So the problem, it’s been identified. Why do I have problems making the right decisions? I journal a lot. Mostly because I don’t understand a lot of things that happen and get said, also because my memory is dog shit. I’ve done this for the past few years, and I’ve found certain problems and ideas get outlined when I write about them, that is I can see them with much more clarity, much more objectively. So back to the issue of persistence. Another problem is mental fog. My train of thought can be easily mislead into thinking of scenarios, either in the past or present, that have little value to my present self. 

Now I ask myself “how do you know these thoughts have little value; you have no clue which variables will lead to what”, which is very true. Thinking about the future is the most basic way to think of change- “how will/what things change?”. In my terms, think about the saying of “Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning”- Winston Churchill; thinking about the future wasn’t me planning anything out, it was me worrying. For hours this stressful scenario building would take control of my mind. Even when it’s not one continuous thought, I could argue that a build up of small stressful thoughts is worse. 

Safe to say, some things aren’t worth thinking about, at least if not in a productive way. Catching myself “venting”. I’ve heard people say it’s healthy; better out than in right? But now I see venting as a sign of an attachment. Venting is a feedback loop, as least that’s my current belief. 

So, a nothing thought, is more about how you think about a thought; using a thought in a non-productive way, a way that won’t aid in positive growth, is how that thought becomes a nothing thought. Eating right(little preservatives, natural sugars, specific times- not past 9pm) and meditation; I’ve added a prayer for guidance, for both myself and others, into the routine. That’s what I’m doing to try and avoid the creation of nothing thoughts, because I really want to be something. 

[akaiconquistador]

Today 10

Look at a singular blade of grass and all of its complexity. Now look at the field and all its abundance. That field has been burnt and cut, ate and shit out. The ground beneath it doesn’t stress when the grass dies from lack of rain, or when a patch gets rooted by an animal. Being torn out, dying and being reborn, is all within the process. 

Just as a tree and a blade of grass build roots in order to survive, we too implant ourselves in order to stay around. Though from my perspective, I think trees and grass are much better at living in the moment. Yes, they know they’re going to die, but they see dying in a different light. Many humans see death as something that is inescapable, but also something that comes with time. They think we have a bar of time, and to use it before it runs out. This is the case, but more can be learned from the tree and grass. They see it as every moment you are not trying your best to live you are dying. A tree is patient, but the roots never stop. Fields of grass are all united families, living is being apart of the environment. A tree doesn’t get mad when a sidewalk is in the path, it kindly pushes it out of the way, or sometimes goes around. I have never heard a tree complain, or grass. 

My best and favorite inclination is to keep going. Trying to find reason in things is important, but it can also confuse and get in the way of the journey unfolding. If you overly analyze what you do, you’ll eventually start analyzing your analyzations, which could be helpful, but in any case living must be the end goal. Because the reason of analyzing is to live better. Self awareness drives one to be more compassionate. Self consciousness leads to not doing what you love(at least at this point in time); when that judgement hits the psyche it’s really easy to get uncomfortable, which in turn makes someone do what makes them comfortable, and not what they love. 

[akaiconquistador]

Today 9

The choices are what defines us, not the outcome. Elton John is no more a musician that Elliot Smith. Success does not define identity. 

Labeling and categorizing are what build the molds insight our psyches. It’s not so much as “I am not” but rather “I think I am not”. Nothing else matters when the sun sets. Stack up day by day, action after action. Refortify what it is you want. Try not to get distracted. Try. 

Trying is all that can be done. As long as there is trying- of any amount- there is hope. When the tears roll down your face; when the ones you care most don’t seem to care back; when the misperceptions take ahold of your consciousness. There is nothing left to do but try. The forbidden fruit…

Giving up. It can make your mouth water and your mind wander. Giving up is natural distraction. It is the corn syrup of choices. It looks so appealing, and will most likely taste great in that moment. However, the aftertaste. The aftertaste of durian or pig piss. In itself, it is regret. A painful feeling that follows those who decide to stop trying. I have tasted this and hate it. I’ve struggled. I’ve been confused, I am confused. 

I will be better for myself and more importantly those I love. They need me. It feels though I don’t have what they need. If I stop trying their lives get worse. Often I feel alone. Suffocated. 

Everything will be ok. Even if it isn’t. Tonight I will get fried. Life is ok. 

[akaiconquistador]

No no no, you’re right. 

I need to forget what they want.

My ingenuity has been messed up. 

What they want doesn’t matter, what I have does. 

Wallow and waste time, or forget and move on, do something worthwhile. 

What would I be proud of tomorrow. 

When I read this in 30 years, my journal of daily accomplishments, growth, mistakes, will I laugh in remembrance or sorrow.

There isn’t an idea for what they future will hold, but this vague clue I hold close- what else will keep my sanity. 

Don’t fret, unless playing the blues.

This path can only be walked through once.

As the caterpillar learns to fly, I must learn to hold back my initial thoughts, and be compassionate and patient in every endeavor. 

I don’t want to be like this anymore. 

Such habitual creatures: wake, eat, complain, sleep.

There is an escape.

Is this something that must be achieved alone perhaps?

Not alone, but by yourself.

Live it, and do not stoop. Wake up and live it again. 

Let the breeze blow beneath your butthole. 

It feels so so good. 

[akaiconquistador]

Today 8

Piano is something i'd like to learn. Music theory fills me with intrigue. I yearn to understand it in more detail.

I never want to be scarred of change. Should never fear the inevitable. Controlling fear requires rigorous training. The mind is naturally bad at focusing.

Today I accomplished a means. I am here and tomorrow I will be there. Wherever there is I must seize the time given. Time is the only resource that cannot be replenished.

[akaiconquistador]

[akaiconquistador]

“I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

[akaiconquistador]

Old habits die hard. Cold turkey. But at least we're moving.

It will get better. Hope is not lost.

Little does she know how much I've actually lied about. It doesn't make much sense but what does. Stimulation is all it is.

What makes us feel important is what defines our character. How do you consciously live in a misperception for years. Struggle to get out. As if trapped in a house built of glass. Unable to find the door.

I feel I feel I feel. The thing I despise writing the most. I know you care, they care. The burden I've made them all carry. Work to be out of mind, which doesn't coincide with out of sight.

Walking atop the broken shards of glass, coming to terms that you're the one that caused the havoc, the chaos that left everything unnoticeable from how it once was.

Mistakes are an inescapable means to an end.

[akaiconquistador]

Today7

Get up and do it again. Good or bad we do it again. Every action a snowball into the next. The pebbles that form the mounds that form the mountains. Look back, proud or ashamed, it is what it is.

A gut feeling won't get denied, that lesson I've learned. But the gut won't be your guide, only a seldom voice. The moment that matters most is now, what will you do now, what will the decision be now. Force it out, earn the sleep.

I'll never forget the day I realized. Thinking I have no control over it all, a house of mirrors where the only option is the one we know. Communication that creates a closed mind. But a mold can be used but not finished. Molds were created with good intention, I think. Use the good parts of the mold, be conscious when in one, like a man working at a dump, don't become the trash.

[akaiconquistador]

AAn1

“Hi, my names Ian, I work with waste management and my favorite restaurant is Bradley’s Corner Cafe” 

“Hello, my names Jaco, I work as a para with special needs kids at Elmont Elementary, and I guess my favorite restaurant would have to be Pizzanos, they have good lasagna.”

Why did these people sound so boring? I guess these are only introductions, I shouldn’t be so judgmental. 

“Hey, my names Eddie, I work at Carlos O’ Kelly’s in the kitchen, and I love going to China Pavilion”

Nevermind. Hopefully there’s an exception, but I hate Eddie. The fact that we have something in common makes my saliva stale and fishy. I can’t help but gape my mouth. 

“Hi, my name’s Erin, I like football and ……”

I came because I enjoy being around like minded individuals. But these are no like minded individuals, just individuals who’ve made similar actions. Their intent, based on what I know, is probably much less justifiable- purposes juvenile at best.  Mine- thoroughly thought out, constructed with concentrated discipline. 

For them, this is just another Tuesday. For me, it’s just another Tuesday. For the idea, Tuesdays make no sense, as with Mondays, Wednesday’s, and the rest of them. But we remove them and have no idea what to now say. Remove the commercials and promos and people have no idea what to now buy. Force a cat into cold water and watch as their eyes turn to billiard balls. Cats are lovely, though frivolous. 

Living everyday. Breathing in the fresh air. The air like a Big Mac, gotten more artificial with time. The artists gave warning, same with the philosophers and mathematicians. In the movies, books, all the headlines. Crying wolf is all they hear. Many did, but how hell is the truth no crystal clear. I learned from Marcus not to judge the simple-minded, I yearn for his level of discipline.