Learn to be Still
Dear Cancer, I would like to thank you for the unexpected gifts which this journey has given me. When I heard the words invasive cancer, stage 3, chemotherapy, radiation and the mind blowing "more thorough mastectomy" they rang in my ears like bombs exploding in the distance. They were just far enough away that I couldn't connect them to the carnage and destruction. The sounds, while frightening were far enough over the horizon that they weren't visible and therefore hadn't manifested into reality. Instead they hung there pulsing in this muted haze that engulfed me. I didn't know what the future held but I did know how and with whom I would face it. Often it takes these moments for you to take stock of that but I am blessed with an amazing battalion of friends, prayer warriors and a husband that not only loves me but knows how to love me through this, for all of that I am grateful. Some people never take stock of those around them, assess and celebrate their tribe. I was immediately surrounded by prayer, love and friendship. Cards filled my mailbox, flowers appeared at my door, gift baskets, gift cards, letters, food, offers to help with kids, even someone to help with my laundry...everyday something showed up that reminded me of how loved and blessed I am. I would go to my running group and be lifted up with words of encouragement every week, often someone would slow their pace or run back to be by my side. Friends and family have taken time out of their days, used up their lunch hours or driven across town to sit by my side at treatment. I was blown away. These days there always seems to be work to get do, kids to play with, dinner to cook, a house to clean, something to fix...my list never ends but I have been blessed by so many who despite the whirlwind of busy have taken the time to be with me, to lift me up, to run by my side, to pray for me. This overwhelms me some days, I don't even have the words to say thank you, to express my gratitude (add thank you cards to the To-Do list). You see I struggle to be still, to stop in the moment and allow myself to be there, to hang my toes over the water and let all of the blessings I've been given swirl around me. So, the other day I rode my bike in silence, in the rain, it was one of the first rides of the season and as the rain washed over me I thought about how blessed I am, about how fortunate I am for the tribe that is willing to push aside the busy and encourage me, for a family that makes me smile and fills my heart everyday and for a husband who loves me-even when it's hard. I thought about the fact that I am still able to ride, to run, to swim, to play with my kids, to pray, to clean my house (I don't but I am capable), to work, to travel and to love and live everyday and then I tried to remind myself that it's also ok to be still, but that lesson, I'm still learning. Psalm 116:7 Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.