Bi Talks# 22!
My apologies about the length, this Bi-Talks topic caught my attention and I have been loving reading everyone’s story. I wish I could meet every one of you.
Typing this has been a sort of therapy and I am happy to share a story of self discovery with you all.
Here is my story if you want to read awkward stories about growing up. With topics like this I always aim for extreme honesty, here it is with all of my little embarrassing moments in it.
When was the first time you questioned your sexuality? What prompted it?
The first time I had questioned my sexuality sounds a little silly, but it was when I was in sixth grade exploring the far reaches of the Internet. Before this, I had found Heterosexual porn all over my house and I had crushes on girls. I knew I definitely had a thing for the opposite sex. What I was not prepared for was when I had found the function of the safe search button and all of the sudden; my innocent searches would bring up all sorts of shenanigans. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but when I understood what would happen with the safe search off, I typed in an animal. I think it was a bear if I remember correctly. It is funny to think of it now, but what came up wasn’t what I usually think of when someone references a bear in adult situations. It was actually a furry drawing of a male bear getting frisky with an elk.
My face started to feel like it was on fire because I started to blush so hard, I tried to shutoff the computer by clicking the big X and had a miniature heart attack when the image briefly froze on the computer. If anyone were to walk in at that point in time I am sure I would have spontaneously combusted due to the constant elevating of the temperature in my cheeks.
For weeks after that incident I couldn’t get the image out of my head, I found a little nifty website that had all sorts of NSFW images from comics, games and images that people drew. It was the idealized forms in these images that attracted me and when I saw the men I would always think that they were pretty. The attraction at first was confusing and hard to understand. Internal debates about whether it was okay or not raged in my head.
These thoughts at first made me ashamed. However, though I still wasn’t comfortable to go searching for images that focused on men as well as women, I wouldn’t speed past them when they came up in a gallery. Eventually after becoming ever so curious, I did search for galleries that featured only men.
I think this is actually the point of where I did begin to question my sexuality, suddenly I had begun to do something that I had previously thought was off limits. However, I was not disgusted by these images, I found that I was actually enjoying them and that was the hardest part at first.
This is why I praise the Internet, I view it as a tool that brought me toward my bisexual identity. I am still working it out and my attractions are evolving with age (definitely past the really idealized forms) but, I am glad I started at the age that I did because it has allowed for progress in my explorations. I don’t think I would be as far as I am in understanding my own sexuality if I didn’t have all of that time I had to explore.
What were the defining moment(s) of your journey? Did you have any support from someone? Share some nice stories with us, please :)
Well, here is a dorky story about me coming to terms with and eventually enjoying my identity.
A defining story for me was when I entered High School. The year prior I had successfully sought out sexual attention from both girls and boys and neither had really gone the way that I had hoped. It was my first time with a girl so I was horribly awkward, and it was my first time with a boy so, again, I was horribly awkward.
The only difference was that I felt my relationship with the boy had somehow reflected negatively on me. Growing up in a hetero normative household can do that to you. After that experience, I had promised myself I would push away my feelings for other guys and would only seek girls after that.
People were okay to deal with. My high school was in a rather conservative part of town, and by town I mean on the very edge of what would be considered a suburb of a major city. However, if you went past my school on the highway you would see one single outdoor mall before the wide open plains would swallow you whole.
This school on the edge of the void had a rather conservative population. Having a strange sense of style it was common to deal with the standard uncreative high school insults, however it really struck a chord with me when people would sling any LGBTQ related slurs. The people in my school would use them all of time just in general conversation. Their comments and negativity began to weigh on me and I had begun to think I was right about promising my self to shut away that part of my attraction.
However, I am glad I broke my word freshman year. It actually went pretty swell, for being an awkwardly thin and tall with very straight long hair. I didn’t do too bad romantically speaking. I was crushing on a beautiful lady whom I thought I would never have a chance with. In the first half of the year we made out at a movie and I made her breakfast and pastries. She then called me crying about another boy and I never really talked to her with romantic intent again.
In the latter half of the year I went out for the swim team. I was excited to learn how to swim. On the first day we had a vote to see which senior would be Captain. It was when the seniors who were running for the vote stood up, I knew the promise I had made to myself earlier that year was dumb as hell. One of the seniors was one of the most attractive guys I had ever seen. He was masculine, broad shouldered and beautiful. So I did what any love struck voter would do, I immediately casted my vote for him. After he lost the election, I still kept him in my line of sight for the rest of the year.
When I was in high school I used to play this game where I would try everything I could to indirectly impress guys I had crushes on. Since I felt like I could’t really pursue them directly, it seemed to be my only option. I always thought (kind of hoped) that if they were interested, they would make the first move. I tried impressing him with my flexibility and being the best in most of the on land exercises. (I was horrible in the water aside from swimming like a graceful mermaid underwater.)
He was my entertainment and motivation, we were divided into lanes based on speed and I had always tried to move up to where he was. Truthfully, for all of the effort that I paid him, he was a complete and total asshole to the rest of the team. I even watched him throw a flip turn off of my friend. I mean he literally did a flip in the water, kicked my friend into the wall, used him in order to propel himself back to the other side of the pool, all without stopping to say sorry. I would criticize my taste in liking him but, when you are a freshman in High School you have terrible taste in actual people so assholes were attractive.
One thing I had begun to notice was that he was never an asshole to me, the few times I had talked to him in the locker room was awkward for me since we were both in our speedos and I was definitely attracted to him. But out of our few and brief interactions, he really never did anything to me. After watching his predictable torturing of the rest of the team for most of the season, it actually began to seem like he put in an active effort to not torture me. In the second half of the season, I was wandering around a swimming facility during a meet. (I only swam the 50m which means I did jack shit) I ended up finding him on a staircase, sitting against a window, listening to music by himself. We started to have the first real conversation we really ever had and I was immediately discouraged when he talked about his girlfriend. Even though news that the guy I had been crushing on for the second part of my freshman year had a girlfriend was ultimately discouraging, I was just happy to talk to finally talk to him.
Grasping at the few small straws of small talk I had at my disposal, I asked him about the music he was listening to. It turns out it was a playlist he had made for his girlfriend. He let me listen to it and at the third song, I had noticed a pattern; all of the songs had a steady, slow, and obvious beat. I nearly burst out laughing when I had realized what it was and I asked him,
“Is this your playlist for sex?”
His expression was priceless as he scoffed out the most adorably nervous laughs and confirmed my suspicion. He then told me some surprising news; he was trying to lose his virginity.
On the inside I was screaming, I was presented the perfect opportunity to talk to my crush about sex, it was with the opposite sex but it was still something, and it was something I had some (awkward) experience with. But, for all he knew, I was a pro, so I sold myself as such and we exchanged numbers.
I consider this as one of my most pinnacle moments as finding my bisexual identity because I had broken that foolish promise I tried to make to closet myself and focused on a person of the same sex. I felt more comfortable in my own skin when I thought about how I seemed to be attracted to more than one gender.
After the swim season had ended we continued to text, which is generally unusual since it seems that there is an unspoken rule that guys don’t really text each other. But, we did, and we talked about everything. How his summer went, how my summer was, and how his attempt to lost his virginity finished out. We had a lot in common and it was fun to talk to him about a bunch of random things, eventually we talked about sexuality.
He actually asked me the question first, it came as a surprise when he said it and he is still the only person to have ever asked me it without throwing out gay first.
“Are you Bi?”
I was shocked, and dumbfounded. I felt slightly betrayed for no reason; it was like someone shoved me onto a stage with a single spotlight focused on me and only that beautiful bastard was in the audience. Do I tell this guy about the entirety of my attraction? I had kept my attraction a secret from even my closest friends because I did not want to be outed due to a fear that once it was known I would never date anyone from my school. (Which was dumb because I never really did anyway.) I was worried that if I answered yes he would never speak to me again since I saw him in his speedo multiple times which is equivalent to seeing him naked with his junk vacuum sealed in a blue band.
“Why?”
I don’t honestly think I really couldn’t have been more obvious unless I sent a direct yes.
“You seem like the type.”
At this point, it occurred to me that he thought about my sexuality, and so I bit the bait and took a gamble.
“Yes”
And then I waited, checking my phone every minute in the same neurotic manner every person does when they send a potentially risky text. The vibration of his eventual reply sent my heart into the sky, I thought it was going to jump out my of my chest when I finally took a peek at the phone.
“I thought so, I think I am too.”
And bam, just like that I had found a person who was just like me. I was lucky and I knew it, I had struck gold. Talking to him had raised the weight off of my shoulders and my heart took the opportunity to try and send me into the sky.
From this point on, it got better. It turns out the boy that motivated me to go to swim practice also had a crush on me as well. I guess he was really into awkwardly tall and thin guys with very straight long hair. (It was probably my graceful mermaid swimming) Later in the year we became closer until he left for college. However, he left me feeling much more comfortable in my own skin because this marked my first year where I considered my relationships with both sexes as mostly successful. Sure, I met a rough patch with that girl, but it wasn’t so bad, she was beautiful and I spent my time with her and my separation from her allowed me time with a beautiful boy. This was truly the year where my bisexual identity came out to me with a shining flares and a massive welcome poster.
If you’re in the middle of your journey and are still figuring yourself out, where are you at right now? What things are troubling you? What are the part(s) that you’re sure about?
I think we are always figuring ourselves out. I am glad I am an artist and I get to do it in fun ways like making sculptures and collages. So far in my journey I have made it my goal to create an honest and raw account of a bisexual in society. I am trying to make art that reflects the beautifully complex relationships people who are not monosexual have with others. Trying to educate people about bisexuality is also one of my big goals. So far in my classes I have had some discussions with many curious people and I feel that I am doing a pretty successful job with informing others about bisexuality.
Romantically I am with a girl who I would not trade for the world. She is brilliant, funny, and beautiful. The peace my bisexuality has brought me is that I know I would love her no matter what she was packing. If she were a boy I would love her, if she were transgender I would love her. I know I love the person that she is at her core.
Sexually speaking is where it gets a little troublesome, because as a bisexual male, I feel that I am definitely more open to a lot more sexual activity than the normal heterosexual standards. But, we are working towards figuring out what works for us and she is open and accommodating for any of my needs. Communication is always one of the most important things in a relationship in order to make sure both partners get what they desire and so far it has been working pretty well.
What advice would you give to someone who is wondering that they might be bi and is worried/unsure what to do?
If you are wondering that you might be bi my advice would be to indulge it and explore. I understand what it is like to grow up in a heteronormative household and feel that your attractions to anything but the opposite sex are negative, but that simply isn’t the case. It gets much better when you can come to terms with yourself and your identity and say it out loud. I used to practice it actually! I would sit down and seriously think about my attraction, and when I began to feel that childish sense of embarrassment that has plagued me through the years I would say to myself,
“I am bisexual”
And boom, that little obnoxious voice of self doubt will slowly wither. Accepting yourself is the most important thing. Once you have done it and you are a little more open about your sexuality, you may find that there were people who always kind of suspected. And though that can seem odd at first and maybe a little disrespectful and assuming, know that they have been by your side since they guessed at your orientation anyway.
If you do decide that you are bi, enjoy it. Enjoy your attractions and freedoms. However, here is one thing that I think is important for every bisexual. Try and put it into the general social sphere of all of those around you. Discuss it, biphobia and erasure is present in everyday life. If you can make an effort in order to address those problems to people around you, you not only continue to expand on your own understanding of bisexuality, but you also begin to teach others about it as well. I read Dr. Fritz Klein’s Bisexual Option and I discuss it with people that I know just to make sure others know that we exist. I have based entire series of sculptures to bisexual literature and it is helpful against biphobes and bierasure that we face on a daily basis. It never hurts to arm yourself with information especially if you are the only bisexual you know. Books and forums like this are exceptional in helping others understand people who are like them, they have helped me understand myself and other identities along the way.
Most important, above all else, is to simply enjoy who you are. Remember, there is no such thing as a bad bisexual. Your attractions will change and adapt, but you shouldn’t feel any reason to prove yourselves to others, be confidant in who you are and hold your ground when anyone tries to delegitimize you.