#tori l

[trashkidheartcrash]

You love me but you don't know who I am I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand And you love me but you don't know who I am

[trashkidheartcrash]

the burden of a golden heart

“Mom?” he knocked softly on her door, peeking right behind the door frame to hide his puffy, red face.

“Yes, dear, tell me” she pushed herself away from her desk and turned to face the door. She was wrapping up  her work already apparently, otherwise she wouldn’t have turned so fast. Or maybe she realized he was crying.

He made himself visible. Eyebrows furrowed together, and front bangs damp from trying to wash his teary face away, he breathed in and said in a broken tone: “I’m-- I’m not straight.”

His mother raised her eyebrows and her mouth formed a soft ‘o’. He had wanted it to be quick, so that he could go cry in the safe place that provided his room. He didn’t want to look weak. His face distorted as he tried to contain himself.

“It’s okay, darling. I’m sorry you were scared” she stood up and held his hands away from his face. She looked deeply into his silver eyes and smiled softly. “It’s okay. It’s okay...”

He looked right back into her reassuring brown eyes, and couldn’t help but start sobbing again. “I’m sorry--”

His mother uncovered his face once more. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.” She kneeled beside him, hands still holding his small ones. “So tell me, do you like boys?”

He didn’t know. He did not know. “I-- I don’t know! I just--” he started shaking again, in spite of his mother’s shushing sounds. 

“So, maybe boys, maybe girls...? Is that what you mean?” she asked once again, in a really soft voice, almost cautiously. He blinked back at her, processing this idea. It seemed close enough, so he nodded softly. 

Everything was so confusing.

“Mr. Laskaris. Mr. Laskaris! Someone snap him back to reality again, please...” the voice hammered him inside his own mind and he blinked as a couple of fingers snapped repeatedly in front of his face.

“Stop that shit” he hissed at his attorney.

“Mr. Laskaris, I am going to repeat the question one last time... Can you describe, with utmost detail, your relationship with your older brother Junko?”

“Now, now,” his mother said again with a cautious, yet sweet voice.

“I... I never really liked him.” he started off.

“There’s no need to cry, Tori sweetheart, you are definitely the most complex case I’ve ever seen in a kid, I grant you that. But that doesn’t give you a reason to cry, there is never a reason to cry like this.” she wrapped her arms around him and walked him to the kitchen. He felt safe.

“I thought...”

“Tears are precious, Psyhi mou, don’t let the water of your golden garden of a soul spill away for such trivial things like this. You are not the standard kid who enjoys throwing mud at each other’s faces, so what? You don’t entirely like girls, so what? It doesn’t change anything regarding how much of a sweethearted person you are.”

He sobbed one last time, and touched his chest, concerned. “Golden hearts must weigh a lot.”

His mother laughed, “Well, they are indeed a heavy burden,” she said lovingly as she used warm water from the kitchen’s sink to wash his tears.

“Is there anything more precious than gold?” he asked with eyes tightly closed.

“I don’t think there is, Tori, why?” she smiled.

“I just wanted to know what your soul was made of.”

The tired face of the Judge irked him. Just a little, but it was enough to make him lose his words as soon as he had formed a coherent sentence in his mind. Coming clean. Coming clean, that was the whole point of this. He shook his head and looked at the Judge again.

“He started off at the Dome just training during summers, and I tagged along because my parents thought it was a good idea that I... that I learned to defend myself. So... training with someone I knew... like my brother, would somehow provide some mental safety when I got hit... and I wouldn’t immediately slip into panic.”

“When did you learn you had agliophobia?” the Judge asked, in a flat tone. Tori felt his jaw heavy.

“Two years prior to the first training.”

“Was it ever linked to a panic disorder?” he Judge asked again. Tori’s eyes widened, and he looked sideways to his attorney.

“Not that I know of.”

His love for his mother skyrocketed. It’s not like he didn’t love her or trusted her before... It’s just, this time, he took special note of everything that made his mother happy. He wanted her to be happy. 

He asked continuously about the food she made, and dedicated himself to cook with her during the weekends. He learned little quirks she had, like brushing her eyebrows for no reason whatsoever, or holding a finger to her mouth when she tasted a dish.

He also figured he would take interest in the rest of the things that made her happy. He asked several times how his parents wedding had been, and how his dad had proposed. She laughed as she explained to him she had turned him down three times, but he was very persistent. 

“Persistence, Tori. That’s the key to success.”

He asked his mother what her favorite animal was, and when he learned she liked birds, he would paint several canvas of different sizes for her to choose. He learned that this was the origin of his name, too. When his mother had been working at a japanese restaurant, she had picked up various japanese words she found appealing, and came across that word. She decided she’d keep that name, and use it to name her second son as soon as he was born. 

He figured he would also take interest in his own brother, since it was also a reason for his mother’s happiness. He tried hanging with Junko, and soon after realized they were incompatible. Junko liked to wrestle, despised mixing colors, and enjoyed mostly playing outside. Even so, he didn’t stop trying. He learned to respect him, and keep quiet and try to understand when Junko was explaining some game. 

Junko did not share the same respect or patience towards his brother’s activities. He snorted  loudly, and over and over when Tori tried speaking about art during dinner. When he spiraled down into a panic attack because of some unexpected pain input, Junko would outright call him names... which of course the little kid did not understand, but given his mother’s disapproval, he learned they were bad words.

“Why did you collaborate with your brother’s illicit substance trafficking job?”

Tori’s nose wrinkled up. “Sir, with utmost respect, I was not collaborating.”

“Keeping quiet, granting an alibi for his absence, and making special efforts into making the money laundering doable is called collaboration.”

He huffed, and heard his attorney say in a low voice, ‘easy, boy’ as if he was some dog. “I was fucking threatened into it.”

“You’re telling me, you didn’t enjoy one single moment of fame you had?”

Tori’s jaw clenched. He remembered the day he walked in on the dirty business. They were not vitamins, were they? Vitamins to keep him going in spite of the panic state when he was hit inside the ring? How much of an idiot could he be to believe those were vitamins?

“I enjoyed having respect from my brother for once in my motherfucking life. I enjoyed winning. I did not enjoy, however, being the fucking puppet of money laundering, being used as probe, and having to conceal the truth to keep myself alive, or my mother safe.”

The Judge leaned in slightly. “Junko explicitly threatened to hurt your mother?” 

“For shit’s sake! Did you even ask anyone else about Junko’s drug web?!” he slammed his fist down and the attorney immediately touched his arm to restrain him. Tori slapped him away.

“He said, if he didn’t wash all the money as promised weekly, there would be consequences to us all. He said they knew where we lived, and he couldn’t grant safety to all of us. He said it was my responsibility. He said he needed my help.”

His attorney rubbed his eyes tiredly. 

The Judge leaned back into his seat. “That is all for today.”

[trashkidheartcrash]

'i love you... so, so fucking much'

Sometimes I hear these pretty words inside my head, like, 'you are gorgeous', 'i love you, madly' or 'i havent told you i loved you today, have i?' or even 'you were great'. It's in my head, but it's not my voice. And I really appreciate and take my time to let it sink in, because these aren't some words just thrown around. I know he means them. I also tend to hear a lot of 'GET THE ROYAL MOTHERFUCK OUT!', though.

[trashkidheartcrash]

- It just REALLY pisses me off!- he stomps down furiously, hands shaking, and she can tell he’s eager to destroy something.

She breathes.

- Well, I’ve come to terms with it and-

- NO!- he roars back, stomping hard once again and making it echo through the darkness. She looks over her shoulder, expecting to hear a crack.

He roars again, and stomps over and over until his own feet get caught and he trips. She expects him to absolutely blow up at the frustration, but he stops moving altogether. On the floor, face down, calm.

She kneels beside him, and leans over to see if he’s digging his fangs on the ground. His hands move and he pillows his forehead against the floor.

He’s crying.

- You… out of all fucking people- his back shivers, and a couple droplets fall.

She kneels down even more and meets his gaze. His eyes could hold the brightest of fires from time to time, but now there was pure sorrow in the form of molten silver.

- I’m okay.- she mouths and smiles slightly.

- …But soon you won’t be,- he mouths back, rivers parting from the corners of his eyes making their way across his cheeks.

She takes in air and closes her eyes, deciding to lay beside him. He makes no sound and both watch as water pools beneath his face.

- I am mad at the universe.

[trashkidheartcrash]

can everybody sTOP FUCKING GRABBING MY FUCKING FACE

Tori’s response to being pulled by the jaw over and over again

[trashkidheartcrash]

irreplaceable honey // mid-levels; nowhere's camp

he pushed her away, growing anxious at her quivering, longing look. Ianthe’s lip trembled but she made no sound. 

- you have no… motherfucking idea who i am! - he snarled at her once he caught his breath. his fist opened and closed in order to loose his tense muscles. by now he knew perfectly well how fast did annoyed escalated to furious. - so just– just stop approaching me like you wanna help me; im not some fucking project guy you gonna nail!

she bit the inside of lip slightly, taking a deep breath. of course he did not know. he never knew. and of course he’d be freaked out.

after all, she’d been prowling around him ever since she found him this time; offering him mint leaves and cheesefingers, asking about his art, commenting on the awful cold weather and making bromantic jokes every time she could.

she also recently learned he had developed a peanut allergy.

- but Tori i don’t wanna nail y– she tried sounding amiable. he was almost like a rabid dog. heh, he could be a rabid dog alright.

- sssstop that thing you do then- he hissed furiously- stop trying to get me to like you!- he huffed- you were cool alright but now you’re being a creepy ass gal!

- i’m not– she tried desperately. 

- don’t ever try to– he sucked in air to keep his rant going- half hug me again– you get that? ever fucking again–!

- well i’m sorry!- she excused herself and scoffed. so much for trying to help the love of all your lives when he’s sulking like a little bitch. - it’s not your style to be an asshole about comfort though. we already know each other for like 6 months, i think? we’re acquaintances now.

well at least Tori closed his loud mouth this time and just stared intently at her.

- you must really not know about me.

Ianthe raised her full dark eyebrows at him. - that you’re a whiny, irksome little prick when it comes to bonding with normal, breathing people?? yeah, i know a little bit of that.

he clenched his jaw but did not reply.

- Tori,- she started off again with a softer tone.- i know Juliette didn’t mean to scratch you like that. you should put honey all over that.

he squinted at her suspiciously, ready to make a remark on how she supposedly didn’t know Juliette either, but didn’t. -weird. you straight up guessed honey.

she smiled in return and shrugged. - i happen to be very good at guessing things, you could say.

like, for instance, that specific thing Tori uses to heal up his wounds. but, you know, it was common knowledge as well. not in the least way creepy. nope. she frowned slightly.

- your next guess should be that we’re not ever gonna fuck.

she outright laughed at that. - my next guess is that you’re gonna eat more than half of the honey on your way back here.

he squinted at her again, the corner of his lips slightly tugging upwards. he was having fun. riddles. that too.

- and after that?

- you’re gonna make a sex-related joke to see how well do i handle it. and based on that, you’re gonna decide if we can be friends.

he snorted. - sounds like you got me all figured out.

she gave an innocent shrug again as he stood up to get said honey. 

all figured out, she thought calmly.

in every single damn universe.