#torie writes

[torieisawesome99]

Yo thank FUCK I didn't marry my kids dad and stuck to my guns on no marriage for me ever like with the current political climate rn man a bitch dodged a bullet with that one in more ways than one

[torieisawesome99]

What skeletons are you hiding in your closet?

I am the skeleton in my closet

The monster hiding under my bed

I am the devil in the details of every questionable decision I've ever made

I am the architect of my own fall from grace and descent into madness

No one can hurt you if you destroy yourself first

[torieisawesome99]

I am so very angry these days and I don't know if it's my mental illness or because of the TIA or whatever it was earlier this year causing lasting neuro effects or just cuz of the stress of all the medical mystery bullshit for the last 6 months and hospitals trying to bill me for shit I fucking KNOW my insurance covers but they're not billing it correctly. I'm so tired and angry and stressed I feel like a psychotic bitch with dementia all the time (not a dig at ppl with dementia cuz it's genuinely something I'm being evaluated for at this point). Like this all started literally on the eve of my 26th birthday and it feels like some kind of cosmic sign which is depressingly comical in a weird way but fuck if I know what this sign is trying to say other than " just give up and accept the sense of impending doom and die already you stubborn bitch". I keep telling myself I've got a just embody the mentality of a nuclear cockroach, the universe keeps trying to do pest control but I am the cockroaches found at Chernobyl and I refuse to give the cosmos and refuse to just roll over and die but man is it getting harder to try to stay positive or hell just neutral about the fact that I'm mentally declining more and more and the doctors keep running tests and have a list of things it's not but no fucking concrete idea of what IS wrong with me

[torieisawesome99]

Went to an ENT doc who took one look at me and said" I can tell by looking at your face you definitely have allergies and with your other symptoms it may be worth getting allergy testing done in case your neuro doc wants to check you for MCAS if other tests come back negative". Like ok damn buddy do I look that bad my face isn't even that puffy OR red today. For context I went in for a sinus retention cyst thinking I would just get a lil nasal spray to help with symptoms discomfort and be on my merry way. Seriously tho best doctor appointment I've had in a while cuz I went in he showed me my scans we talked and told me he'd contact me in a few weeks to check in on how the 3 allergy scripts he gave me are working and see about scheduling for allergy testing then. Genuinely the most productive appointment I've had since all of my medical fuckery started in April I love this dude. Shout-out to Dr.Bone man for being a good doc!

[torieisawesome99]

Not to be to much of a bitch but I swear on all things holy if my sister makes one more comment about how the fucking seizures and other neurological issues I'm having are just ~anxiety~ I'm going to hit her with the biggest fuckin carrot I can get my grubby little hands on cuz bitch how are you gonna tell me that you believe the earth is flat cuz of your interpretation of the Bible and that carrots are the work of the American government designed to slowly poison us all and give us autism and see me with your own dip shit lil eyeballs having multiple seizures and tell me I just need a vacation and to smoke some weed cuz it's all just caused by panic attacks. Like listen here you kool aid drinking heifer as if I can't tell the difference between what's a panic attack and what's not when I've had panic attacks since I was 5 you dumbass. Bitch is paying several grand a year for some quack doc in Iceland to do a virtual diagnosis and stroke her fucking ego by feeding into her conspiracy theories and telling her all she needs is special vitamin gummies and fucking lions mane mushroom capsules and wham bam thank you ma'am she'll be cured of needing a new fucking pancreas when what she really needs to reduce her stress levels is to drop 250 pounds of a pathetic waste of a trees expense of oxygen and divorce her jackass jolly green giant looking ass motherfucker of a husband and go see a board certified and licensed doctor so she can get back on the transplant list. I hope she gets better man I really fucking do I love my sister but fuck if I don't want to beat her ass with a giant fucking carrot like were in a episode of Looney tunes and I'm Bugs Bunny beating that little hunter dudes ass in a 1v1

[torieisawesome99]

Life Update

Got officially diagnosed with not 1 but 3 cardiac conditions (patent foramen ovale, chronic recurring tachycardia, and chronic frequently recurring premature atrial contractions) which apparently individually don't cause problems for most people but for my unlucky ass they're causing hella issues. Doc put me on metoprolol to try to get my shitty heart to function better and tbh it did seem to help like I actually went outside to do some yard work (it was like 100 degrees with heat index) and was outside for 15-20 minutes and could actually breathe the entire time and not feel like I was gonna pass out. I genuinely can't remember the last time I was able to just walk around outside or in general without feeling faint or having a hard time breathing. It really hit me at that point just how hard my body has been working for years to do basic body functions like breathing and ya know staying conscious. Unfortunately tho my (still undetermined) neurology bs decided to act up and I've been having frequent and increasing amounts of seizures every day for a week both while conscious and during my sleep so doc told me to stop the meds and take my happy ass to the ER if it continues. The seizures did in fact continue and I eventually was able to get my mom to take me to the ER (cars been fucked up, can't afford ambulance ride, and siblings that live 10 minutes down the road had more important shit to do apparently so mom jury rigged the car and off we went on the 4th of July to the ER) . Had seizures during triage and right before getting a lovelyyyy dose of keppra to stop/ slow the seizures, head CT showed no large tumors or brain bleeds so that's good at least. Next day could still feel seizures but no body jerks or convulsions and I slept for 15 hours so that was nice. Had 3 full blown but short seizures today and an appointment with neurologist tomorrow so hopefully will at least get scheduled for further testing cuz this seizure shit on top of everything else RN is for the fucking birds.

So sick of this shit man

[torieisawesome99]

Y'all I feel so fortunate to have a best friend who loves me on such a deep level truly. I'm dealing with some health issues right now and I'm in the very early days of what looks like is going to be a lengthy barrage of tests to rule things out and try to figure out what's going on. So far the Drs don't know what's going on the only thing we know for sure is that something is in fact wrong but there's lots of things it could be hence all the tests. Been talking to my best friend about it and shes worried about me of course so I made a joke about me being a nuclear cockroach of the universe and the universe is shit at pest control so I'll be fine and if not then Egypt and France here we come! We'll go on the world's most short lived budget travel experience and smoke hookah in Egypt while having awesome food and travel to France or maybe Prague or Venice or Brazil or Jamaica or the travel the whole of the Asiatic coast after, cuz if I'm dying then dammit we're making more memories first! But then she says to me " Absolutely we'll travel wherever together! I'm praying for you to get better but I'm also with you every step of the way no matter what,I love you and I want you to be in my life forever❤️" She's already said if I'm still not medically cleared to travel in a couple months that she's just gonna come to me and kidnap me for a long weekend lol honestly that sounds amazing. We've seen each other grow thru so many phases of life since we met in middle school and we're both still here in each other's lives and even tho she lives halfway across the country we're still so close to each other in all the ways that really matter. I love her so much and I'm so so glad and so lucky to have a friend who knows me so well and loves me so much through thick and thin, flaws and all❤️The world is a far better place with you in it❤️

[torieisawesome99]

Saw a thing on Pinterest earlier talking about how girls try to make the hard or uncomfortable things in life a little softer for each other and they mentioned how when that had a Dr appointment as a kid their mom would do up their hair with tons of fun pretty clips and it's just got me thinking. Like I don't think about the little things that give me small joy in being a girl most of the time and with the state of affairs in the world and the US where I live shit just seems pretty bleak these days but it got me thinking about the little joys of being a girl and I just wanted to share some of mine with whoever lurks on my decrepit little blog.

- doing my daughter's hair into fluffy space buns with all of the tiny butterfly clips she owns and the single Christmas capybara clip that she adores when she has to go to the dr

- also for Dr visits it's a tradition to always get a McDonald's Kidz meal for her after we are done and otw home (and an ice cream if she had to get blood work done)

- getting dressed up in our fanciest clothes to clean the house and having mini dance parties when we take a break or are done

- late night ice cream cone trips with my mom or my sister when we can't sleep

- communicating exclusively via meme with one of my best friends when we have bad days until one of us laughs to hard at one and calls to vent while crying from laughing and then referencing the memes on call when we get too sad to bring back the laughter

- my sister collects miniature Disney figurines so every year I hunt all year for the perfect one to give her for her birthday cuz she gets real sad that time of year and it always makes her smile. This year I have found a Minnie mouse with a hot pink cheetah print apron on (think it's something someone customized and sold but I found it at a thrift store so idk) and Minnie is holding a happy birthday cake. I worry I won't be able to top that next year but that's a problem for future torie cuz she gonna love this and I can't wait to see her face when she gets it.

- making bread with my niece when I babysit cuz her mom's on a work trip and she misses her but the smell of the bread baking makes her feel warm and cozy

These are just some of the things that made me think about my little joys and if anybody sees this feel free to add some of your little joys of being a girl💗