me when i blink and it's 4-5 hours later and there's 4800 words of suffering trans Jax. archiving here but it's not a coherent fic or anything.
content: hurt/comfort, jax & zooble (platonic), (edit:) jax/pomni, implied ragapom bc jax thinks it's established ragapom (lol)
cws: internalized transphobia, not written by trans person, he/him pronouns used for Jax for most of it bc she's Going Through It
technically part of larger divergence AU but the details don't matter, but tldr Jax is back in approx. their avatar shape, but kinda glitchy and with abstraction eyes still.
---
Zooble scoffs, “Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join them.”
Jax feels his blood run cold. His eyes dart to the side, he feels a pit forming in his stomach and he tries to play it off with a smirk, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
It was just a joke. Or it would have been, if you’d only played it off like one.—Zooble knows, they know, since when do they know—He needs time to come up with a good diversion. Something that will get them off his back. Images flash in his mind at that thought.
It didn’t end well the last time that was the goal, did it?
“Look. That wasn’t the best way of breaching it, but– i mean, ugh...” Zooble takes a deep breath. “When Caine showed us about the people... out there... Your... out-there-person, they...” Jax feels something like a stab in the chest, “... visit the bar ‘I’ have...”
They. They. They. They. They. The–
Zooble looks at him like they’re searching for signs in his gaze. He hopes there aren’t any. “... it’s a queer bar.”
“So? That’s got nothing to do with me.”
“It doesn’t. You’re not them. But... it made me wonder. I mean, I definitely got a... vibe?– But, I didn’t think that– All I’m saying is, if you ever need someone to talk to with all that,–” Zooble sighs audibly, but it sounds soft, “I don’t have ears, but I can hear. I guess.”
Jax’ mind is going too fast and it feels like there’s a ringing sound. “Tch,” he scoffs. “I’m not a freak like you, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
Zooble’s gaze goes cold and they look down, and then slowly get up. Jax panics. Shit, he’s such an idiot. He didn’t want to hurt them– yes, you did. You like it when people suffer, admit it.–no, he just– he doesn’t even think that of Zooble– He thinks. “Pfft- What, no comeback?” Stop.—He sounds so nervous he’s sure Zooble can tell he’s panicking. He’s not sure if he wants them to see through it or not. “Come on, Zoobie, you used to have more bite than that. Gangle’s got you all mushy, huh?”
Zooble stops and then turns around. “I can see I pushed a boundary, and I’m sorry. But you could’ve just said so instead of being an ass.”
“Yeah? And give you something to work with?” He realizes too late that he just did exactly that by admitting it this way.
“For what?” Zooble sounds frustrated. It feels good, but it also doesn’t at all. “I wouldn’t use that against you.”
Jax freezes and a feeling like he’s gonna throw up emerges. He laughs. It sounds like static. He also gets up and approaches Zooble. “Oh yeah? Because you’re such a good person?” He spreads his arm, trying to make himself bigger. “Didn’t seem that important to you when you and Gangle forced that dress on me!” He pushes his finger into Zooble’s chest as he screams, making them dodge backwards.
He doesn’t realize how emotional he was about it until he notices the lump in his throat.
Zooble pauses and their confident pose falters. “I know... But that’s why we didn’t do it again.” Zooble thinks back to having a talk with Gangle about it after the adventure. “Why do you think we didn’t use what we knew would get to you that much?”
Jax feels himself hyperventilating. He hates how strongly he reacted back then. So obvious, so– “Just– Leave! Fuck—”
“Hey. I won’t tell anyone.”
Shit– Fuck— Not this again. Jax laughs, “Duh. You wouldn’t go around spreading lies now, would you?”
Their pupils dilate. “Fuck off.”
.
.
Jax looks the outfit over and sighs.
At first, he feels nothing. Well, nothing new anyway. But then something snaps, and he feels panic rise. He tears it off. But it’s still there. His heart feels like it stops. He can’t– take it off, but he just— put it on, so it must be possible?
“Caine— are you fucking with me?” He asks into the quiet of his room, losing composure. “It’s not funny!!”
He can’t wear this! Did he somehow conjure this? How could that be– He wasn’t– His breath goes shallow and fast.
“Jax?” Pomni’s voice rings in his ears and he swirls around, expecting her to stand there in the door. Eyes wide. Then she looks him over, her expression faltering. Then a cruel smile twists on her face. Why do you look like that?
“Do NOT come in!” Jax screams, trying to ground himself. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. This isn’t real, he’s just– being incompetent. There was no way he isn’t able to take this off. “I’m fine!!”
There’s silence but it feels forever. He tries to hide his breathing, and tries to stop fidgeting on the layer that isn’t budging.
“You... don’t sound fine.”
“Fine, I’m not fine, but I’m not abstracting, just do not come in!”
“Do you need anything?” she asks, carefully.
“Yes, you to shut up and leave! I got this–”
“Can we keep talking...?”
It’s insufferable.
“Jax?”
“Still here,” he snarls.
“Okay. I won’t come in, I promise. Just... let me know you still got it every now and then, okay?”
“Fine.”
After a while, he blinks and notices he’s calmed down. He looks down at his body. He’s... not wearing it? He blinks in confusion and then notices the outfit on the floor. Since... when...?
He really was losing it.
.
.
Then, their eyes go wide. Their stance softens and it makes his insides crawl. “Hey. Hey, calm down.”
“I am calm!” His voice is screeching.
“Your shape– you’re losing shape–” Zooble panics, which is a rare emotion to see on them.
“Good!” He feels something like tears? He can’t tell. “No matter what I do, it feels disgusting–! And wrong, and so. SO. humiliating–!!”
“Jax–”
Suddenly there’s a thought, followed by silence in the static.
“I don’t want to deal with this anymore.”
Zooble stares in shock, their eyes darting around, and then they turn around, ready to get up. “Hang on, I’ll go get Pomni and–”
At the mention of her name, he feels something snap. I’m glad you’re back.–I’m not leaving.–I can be on my own for a bit, you’re so clingy.
Before he knows it, he’s grabbing Zooble’s arm. He thinks so, at least? They stopped moving, anyway. “No!!” I don’t want to be seen like this–Oh, but she’ll feel so sad for you. I’m sure she’ll hug you again—I’d hate that—Hah, you’re so desperate. Pathetic. Can’t you take a hint?
Zooble turns back around and nods. “Okay, but you have to breathe, okay? Fuck–, just... breathe in with me?”
He notices their arm glitching and his mind goes static again. “Shit–” He jumps backwards, scrambling to get away.
Zooble’s eyes blink to their arm and then realization wipes across their face.
“It’s okay, idiot– did you forget Caine can fix that? It doesn’t even hurt—!”
It’s a blur of voices and feelings and static, and nothing, then he hears Zooble call for Caine. “Fuck, come on, Caine– The one time I–”
“Yes?” He appears with a pop and his teeth drop wide open. “Oh–”
“Get the others!” Zooble demands and he nods, “Yes! Be right back–”
“Jax...” Pomni’s voice feels like morning sunlight through the curtains. Warm and bright, but interrupting and bright. “Can you still hear me?”
He feels her touch but he doesn’t know where she’s touching.
“Blink twice for yes.”
She hasn’t done that since he was all eyes... Hah... He’s really outdone himself, hasn’t he? Again? Causing so much trouble. Aren’t they tired of it? He’d be tired of it. He is tired of it.
He doesn’t know if he actually did blink, but Pomni lets out a breath she’d clearly been holding, then says “Okay. When I brush up you breathe in, when I brush down, you breath out? Let’s do it together, yeah?”
.
Jax blinks and then looks around. He sees them. Ragatha. Eyes worried, and hands clutched in front of her chest. Zooble, eyebrows down but there’s a sadness that Jax wishes wasn’t there. Is he that pitiful? Kinger is closer, assisting Pomni. Gangle is next to Zooble, eyes only moving to him when she notices his gaze on her.
They’re all here.
He feels his skin crawl more.
Of course they’re all here– to see this. He wants to disappear. He wants to—
“Hey, hey–” Kinger’s voice goes, “Focus on us again.”
He notices Caine now who’s continuously subtly snapping his fingers. What’s that about–? An instinct to ask or poke fun comes up, but a hand running soothing circles across him distracts him. It’s— he still doesn’t know where it is. But he sees Pomni, bright lights reflected in her eyes.
Suddenly, he feels too exposed and he scrambles to get back. Everyone tenses and panics slightly as he does, and he hates it.
He screams as much as he can. “LEAVE– why are you ALL here! What are you gawking at?!” He bares his teeth. He doesn’t even know if he has teeth right now.
Pomni looks back and forth, then gives a small nod and a nod towards the door to Ragatha who nods softly, repeatedly, and hurries the others out of the room.
“Okay. It’s just me,” Pomni says, smiling. She looks insecure and apologetic and he wants to wipe it off her face. By hurting her, maybe. He pushes the thought down. He knows she’s too stubborn for that to do anything than come back to bite him.
“Leave me alone! Are you deaf?!” Her eyes blink then she furrows her eyebrows slightly.
“Sorry, I’m staying.”
“Oh great, my wishes mean nothing anymore?”
“I’m not leaving! You’re gonna abstract if I do–”
“So what? Even if I do, you’re just gonna bring me back again, right?” Her expression falters for a moment. “And for what? Just so I can suffer and hurt all of you?! You’re really stubborn to a fault, aren’t you–”
Pomni stares at him with wide eyes, and blinks her tears away. “You... said you didn’t want to go.”
Jax feels everything halt.
A wrecked smile appears on her face as she continues, “That’s why I tried so hard– to bring you back. I didn’t want your last moment to be that... that’s too... sad.” She sniffles. God. He should die. No–he shouldn’t. That’s what this is all about. He should just not be so– him! He just wants to beat himself until he’s unrecognizable. He wants to curl into a ball, and shut her out so she never has to deal with this again. Suddenly he wonders why she even does, when she has Ragatha anyways. She looks up at him, and he flinches. “I’m sorry for making you go through all this. You just seem so... torn, and I want you to be happy. Is that so wrong...?”
Her question sounds genuine and not like a confrontation. He hates it.
He scoffs, “I think you’re gonna die first waiting for that.”
The thought of being alive for longer than Pomni feels like a stab.
“Don’t say that...”
.
.
He sits again, tapping his leg on the floor. He’s been thinking of the stupid maid outfit thing more again. He... did sort of like the way his eyes looked? He thinks. Maybe that would be a way to try...
Manifesting eyeliner shouldn’t be impossible. He closes his eyes and imagines it. He imagines applying it too, even though he knows if he had to do it manually, he’d screw it up.
He opens his eyes and carefully lifts the mirror, trying to gauge the situation. A bitter feeling comes up at seeing the glitchy and disorganized form appear.
But he focuses on his main eyes and the black lines around them. They’re... messy. He scoffs. Just because he thought he’d be bad at doing it, it manifested badly? That’s dumb.
He tilts his head around. A hand rises to touch the cheek right below the eyes. Does... Jax want to be seen as this? The thought feels strange.
He tries to think of himself looking like this all the time. Would she... be happier like that? Her fingers swipe over her cheek. She almost thinks it’s peaceful.
It... looks good. As good as it can, on a form this hideous, anyway.
Her breathing picks up. Yeah, sure. A girl? Like this? Girls are supposed to be pretty. Not... this.
Suddenly, he gasps. What is he doing? You a girl or what? Laughter echoes. She hates it. He hates it. He hates it!
It shouldn’t be this hard. Being a guy isn’t working, and clearly this isn’t either.
His fingers brush over the black line again, now shaking. He should remove it. He closes his eyes, but finds it difficult to focus on imagining removing it. Her mom would certainly make her, if she was here. If she was alive. He can’t imagine what she would’ve done if he had ever actually used any of her makeup–
His eyes flutter open but her eyes are as pronounced as before, and he feels his blood run cold. Shit– Not again. Is he imagining it again?
Maybe it’s not even there. Relax. A relaxed mind is needed for conjuring, or whatever Kinger said, so it’s not helping that he can’t fucking calm down–
Shit– Shit. He claws at the edges of his eyes. Get off– Get it off, get it off, get it off–
But nothing changes.
If he had nails, he might’ve scratched out his eyes. The thought feels disturbing and yet reassuring in a way that scares him.
A knock jolts him so heavily he almost falls off the chair. “H-Hey, Jax, we’re going to do one of Gangle’s adventures– do you want to come?” It’s Ragatha.
“I-I’m good, thanks.” His voice sounds higher? Is he imagining it? It only makes his panic worse.
There’s silence. “I— Are you–”
He really doesn’t want to deal with Ragatha right now. “I’m good!”
“A-allright, I’m sorry. I just— you sound distressed. Do you need anything? I can get Pomn–”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?!” He explodes. Is he her pet now or something? He scoffs at the thought, and feels tears burn in the corner of his eyes. Fuck. “Shit. Doesn’t it piss you off? Shouldn’t Pomni be all over YOU?”
“What–? N-No, I just– didn’t want to...”
“Just shut up–” She actually does. Jax feels an empty feeling claw at his chest.
The silence is agony, but he doesn’t want to continue talking. He hopes she just leaves.
She doesn’t, of course. Because why would Ragatha ever take a hint?–He feels awful for thinking that.
Her voice is quiet. “Okay. I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing for every little thing!” He knows he is messing up. He hates her. Does she want him to say it so badly? Is that why she keeps doing this? To get him to say that he sucks and that it’s all his fault? And oh, she shouldn’t have to apologize?
He buries his head in his hands.
“I hate that about you...” He says, but probably not loud enough for Ragatha to hear.
There’s nothing for a long while.
“I’ll send someone to check in on you in a bit, okay...? I’m leaving though so don’t... worry?”
“Great. Bye...” He says, just to get her to leave. He knows she’d wait for a response if he hadn’t.
Shit. Goddamn it. He looks up and sees himself in the reflection. The glitching got worse. He puts the mirror back down. Hideous. Pathetic.
.
He does the stupid breathing exercise that Pomni always makes him do. It’s so annoying to breathe slowly that it usually distracts him just because he can’t even do it that slowly.
.
A while after, there’s a knock. “Hey.” Zooble’s voice is distant and he can’t read the tone. “Just here to check up on you...”
“Well, checkup completed! Nice job,” he tries to sound provocative but it probably isn’t working.
“Can we talk?”
“Aren’t we–” He chokes when he flashes back to saying this to Ribbit. He takes another deep breath. He should... try at least. “About what...?”
“Just... I’m sorry for assuming. I just... I know how it feels. And the thought of you dealing with that alone is– I mean, I was grumpy when I was unhappy. And it’s not the same but I– yeah. I... No, that’s all. I’ll treat you as whatever you want. I’m sure anyone here will, but I was wrong. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. I just want you to be able to be seen. And if that is you as a guy, then that’s fine too.”
That’s fine.–A strange feeling bubble’s up. Jax isn’t sure whether that felt good to hear. Shouldn’t it?
“Anyway, that’s all, so–”
“How–” He mumbles and immediately stops himself. What is he doing–
Zooble sadly heard it, somehow, and they inquire when he doesn’t continue.
“Nevermind.”
“... Come on, Jax, you can’t leave me hanging like this.” There’s a slight tease in their voice.
Jax looks up at where the mirror was earlier, and images flash back of what the reflection looked like. He doesn’t want to check if the eyeliner is still there. He can’t tell if he wants it to be.
“How... what if– What if everything feels wrong? How did you– I mean– I don’t know how to... deal with this...”
The pause where Zooble doesn’t say anything is agony. He wishes he could abstract on the spot and he hates himself for thinking it.
“It sucks,” they say then, empathy in their voice. “I think you just have to explore, and it’ll hurt sometimes but eventually you’ll notice that you like something. And maybe you won’t like it another time, but that’s okay.”
“I am... trying though!” He feels his stomach twist at admitting that. God, he’s pathetic. He can’t enjoy being a guy, but any attempt at trying something new feels like he’s being peeled all over again.
“That’s–... I’m proud of you, Jax.”
Jax’ eyes go wider. The tears swell up again. “For hating everything I try?”
“For trying, dumbass.”
He sniffs, and hugs his arms.
“Can I... come in? It’s– just weird talking to a door...”
Jax panics. He doesn’t want to, but... he also doesn’t want this moment to end. It should end already. No. No. He wants to deal with this–
“I– can come out, but I’m not facing you.” He hates himself for using that phrasing immediately after he registers it.
“That’s okay.” They sound warm, and silence follows.
Jax peels himself from the table and stumbles for a bit before making his way to the door. He opens it slowly, peaking out, and sees that Zooble has turned their back to him. He smiles a little, as he hadn’t really thought about how to leave without facing them.
“Do you wanna go to my room?”
Jax’ mind flashes with images of mirrors and he panics. “What, you making a move now?”
Zooble groans, but it’s only half-hearted. “That’s a no, then.”
“Yeah–”
The give an arm behind their back, and clearly offering Jax their hand. He considers pretending not to get it and just ignoring it, but then he slowly reaches for it and their fingers curl around his wrist, massaging soft circles into it.
Before he can ponder if he hates it or not, Zooble asks him a question. “Do you want to talk about what you’ve tried?”
“Not really,” Jax admits, voice sounding hoarse. And pathetic. And not deep enough. Or not high enough. He can’t tell.
“Okay,” Zooble just says and it doesn’t sound annoyed in the slightest. They’re really quite the enigma.
He doesn’t know how much time passed, but then he softly speaks up, and he notices that Zooble notices, because their movements halt for a short moment before continuing.
“Mm?”
“I... tried wearing a dress again.”
“Mhm” He doesn’t know if he wanted them to say more than just that.
He doesn’t know how to elaborate. He doesn’t even know what he really felt about it– Just... the panic of it not coming off and–
“How’d it go?” Zooble asks then, and he stutters and retracts his hand from them. They let him, but tense up a little.
“I– I-I... I don’t know?” Jax intertwines his fingers, and runs soothingly over them. It’s not doing much to soothe. “I... panicked when I thought about wearing it outside. And then Pomni came, and I couldn’t take it off– but it was off? I might just be going crazy–”
“What about just wearing it on your own?”
“I... it feels heavy. I don’t... hate it? In a bubble, I guess... I– I guess–” He keeps stammering and it makes him feel like a pathetic teen.
“You can think about it, there’s no stress,” Zooble reminds and switches their standing position.
Jax nods, even though Zooble can’t see that. “I... I don’t hate it. But I hate the thought of being... perceived. But–” He chokes on his tears that he hadn’t noticed bubbling up. “I hate that no matter what I do–”
Zooble gives an empathetic huff, “It can never just be one thing, huh? Would be too easy.”
Jax gives a small scoff too. “Right–”
“Do you want to try right now?”
“W-What, with you?”
“Well, I won’t look. But... maybe I can help walk you through it and be there in case of any digital hallucinations, or whatever the fuck.”
Jax chuckles. It sounds fake to him, but it isn’t... he doesn’t think it is. “I do hate the thought of panicking and you being there.”
“I get that,” Zooble just says, “Well. If you want anything specific that’s too complex to conjure, I can ask Caine for it and he probably wouldn’t question it.”
Jax stares at their back for a while, then huffs out the air he’d been holding. It sounds affectionate. He shoves down the part that tells him that it’s so sappy and cringe. “Okay. Thanks... I want to... try– could you get me a...” Zooble slightly tilts their head without actually looking, clearly trying to focus on what Jax is babbling out. “... a bow?”
“Sure. What color?”
He’d– She’d liked it. The thought of it was unbearably painful, but it’s the one thing she knows for a fact she liked at one point in time.
“Anything but red.” Still, she probably can’t take looking at it if it’s the same.
“Okay. I’ll get it for you.”
Jax realizes then that a bow is probably simple enough to conjure up, but she still appreciates Zooble taking care of it.
“T-Thanks.”
“Of course, idiot.”
“Hey. What’d I do–”
“It’s affectionate,” they say and it has a slight bright and teasing tone to it.
Jax can feel his face heat up a little. It’s not that he hadn’t been able to pick up on that, but having it said out loud still feels embarrassing.
“God you’re all unbearable saps.”
Zooble snorts. “It’ll get to you too.”
“Oh, great,” he teases.
“So. Can I turn around or would you rather not?”
“Sure.”
“For real?”
“Yeah. Do it before I change my mind.”
Zooble slowly turns, and Jax can’t look at them in fear of watching their expression shift.
“It suits you.”
Jax glances over after all, and there’s a soft look on their face that immediately sends a thought of punting them to her head. She brushes it down.
“Don’t lie, I know it’s a mess–” Jax deflects and looks away.
Zooble’s eyes soften more, somehow. “I said it suited you, not that it's well done.” They shrug. “It’s got charm.”
“I did this when conjuring for fuck’s sake.”
“Sounds like you were nervous.”
Jax nods without saying anything more.
“It’s okay. It’s part of the process. But it is quite funny–” Zooble gives a slight chuckle and puts their hand on their hip and tilts their head. They wait for Jax to react with a smile before they fully relax.
God. He’d usually hate how soft and gentle and careful everyone’s being, but he’s too distracted by not wanting to be swallowed by the ground.
She doesn’t hate Zooble seeing this. Which shouldn’t be surprising. She was in the maid outfit for longer than this.
“I couldn’t conjure it away after. So I guess I’m stuck until I calm down.”
“You seem calm enough now.”
Jax pauses. She supposes she is. Her expression sinks.
“But you don’t want to remove it, do you?”
“Maybe... a bit longer.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
.
.
Jax keeps conjuring it alone, in her room. It starts to not feel like much of anything. Then kind of nice? She notices that it’s not just not negative.
One day she gets up in the morning, and decides to join the others for some early snacking. Pomni looks at her when she enters, and she’s about to greet Pomni, when she notices Pomni’s expression processing for a bit. She recovers quickly though, and greets Jax with a smile, “G’morning! Good to see you!” She beams.
“Morning...? What was that pause about?” Jax squints and sits down with a raised eyebrow.
“Nothing–”
Jax glances over at the others behind Pomni, and catches Zooble looking her way. Zooble gives a small thumbsup, and it makes Jax pause.
What...?
What does that mean–
What reason would Zooble have to be encouraging– Her heart stops. She touches her face, and wants to get up.
Pomni’s looking at her with worry. “Jax?”
“I–”
His hands come to cover his eyes. Did he seriously conjure it up without meaning to? Shit–
He sees that Zooble got up, worry plastered in their eyes.
“I– haha- I just thought it–” He panics. What’s he supposed to say? What kinda joke would even require him to have a meltdown before doing the bit?
“Jax, it’s okay,” Pomni insists with a soft smile, and fingers loosely wrapped around his wrist.
He flashes back to her moment of pause when she saw him. Shit– he can’t remember what the expression was– he doesn’t want to, but his mind won’t stop replaying it.
He turns away using his arm to shield his eyes from view. Shit.
“Nothing’s okay! I conjured this up without meaning to–” Shit, what is he saying– He should’ve just rolled with it and pretended it was intentional– at least then it wouldn’t mean anything– “–haha, what the hell! Caine must be pranking me–”
“I’m... not?” He forgot Caine was here– Couldn’t he have helped him out this once?
“Haha– I–” It’s over. It’s over. He’s on the verge of spitting out some vile comments– anything to divert.
“Jax.” Zooble’s voice cuts through.
Don’t you dare– He doesn’t want to be here when they expose him.
He violently tears his arm out of Pomni’s grasp and bolts back to his room.
“Jax!”
.
.
“I hate this– I hate this– it hurts... can’t i just forget about all this– I hate how I look even more if I’m supposed to be a girl–”
Zooble pats his back. “You’re not... supposed to be anything.”
Jax looks up at them, tears streaking on his face.
Zooble smiles warmly. “Anyone who says there’s an entry bar is being an asshole.”
Jax sniffs. “Nobody even said it...” That’s the pathetic and stupid part.
“You said it.”
Jax gives them a sideeye. “Just wanted to call me an asshole, huh–”
“You got me,” they shrug but there’s no bite in it, and he hates that he can tell they’re jesting so he can’t even genuinely sulk over it.
Jax snorts. “I want my brain to shut up already.”
.
.
“Sorry.” Jax says hesitantly.
Pomni smiles, “All good. You feeling better?”
“Yeah.” She nods softly.
They stand there awkwardly for a while. Then Pomni does a little cartoony looking body up-and-down movement. “Sooooo. Uh. Slay?”
Jax stares, then snorts, breaking into a chuckle. “You’re so cringe–”
Pomni stares wide-eyed.
“What?”
Pomni breaks her stare into an affectionate smile. “I’m just happy.”
Jax rolls her eyes dramatically. “Saps. All of you.”