How would one define transformation? It is the word that comes to mind when I think about my journey ahead. Perhaps, the journey is the definition, or part of it. Coming off of the raw food challenge, I am energized to make major changes in other areas of my life. There are many areas of my life that feel like a constant struggle to get a grip of. My transformation is to finally take control. In…
of how God has changed my life in the past 5 years*.
[before you go on.. this is a serious post. you have been warned.]
*Originally said “a year and a half”. I actually wrote this back in Nov 2011 when I was 22 years old. Found it in my “Drafts” folder and read it over. Everything is still relevant so I’d thought I’d still post it (almost) 5 years later :) Hope this gives encouragement and/or hope to those who are in the same boat as I was back then.
Looking back on my past blogs, I'm just astonished of His work in my life. Even before I truly became a follower of God, I can see the evidence of His grace, love, and mercy that flowed through without me even noticing it.
As I went further and further back towards the April-September 2010, memories came flooding back. I found myself stoping around September 2010 because of the memories before that month.. and they certainly aren't pretty. Plenty of events and actions I am not proud of, but I definitely learned my lesson.
I got to April 2010 and my eyes just started to tear up. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am that God forced me out of a relationship I thought was my last. At that time, I couldn't see past my hurt. I couldn't see anything, but the fact that my "one true love" left me. Four years has gone to waste.. or so I thought.
So then, I finally realized.. God took him out of my life to focus on God himself. I was on fire, I was gung-ho for God..... but I started to fall when I heard my "love of my life" was having tons of fun without me. I honestly tried to hold on to what I knew and believed was the only thing that can save me, but I fell into temptation and took the road of "living life Jenn's way" instead of "living life God's way".
So as months came and gone, so did almost everyone I knew and trusted. I was once again blinded by hurt, confusion, and acceptance. I did what I can to feel like I fitted in somewhere. No I didn't do drugs or have sex, but I did drink. And I drank ALOT. (Well alot may not be the same for most of you, but I was a (then) 95 lbs. girl.) As corny as it sounds, I drank my sorrows away. I caved into what I thought would ease and erase my pain, but it just made things worse.
In the process of my drinking phase, I lost my best friends. My moral support through all my sorrows.. gone. In an instant. And I totally do take the blame for it. I was a horrible friend, and paid the consequence. But as my years of friendship started to fade, unexpected friendships with people I never thought I'd be close to emerged. I went from a group of 20+ people to a number enough to where I can count them off of my hand.
Now, this was definitely hard to grasp. Took me a while to get over. I feel like this was worse than my break up in April; this was harder for me to let go. But surely enough, God had his perfect plan set out for me.
He knew what road I was going to take. He knew I was going to fall. He knew I was going wander away from Him.. And He also knew, I would be crawling back. And He was there with open arms.
God had to get my attention back somehow, and by taking away my best friends, He certainly did get my attention, but not all.
Now that my friends and ex are eliminated from my life, I felt lonely. I was wrapped up on the face that I wasn't liked by many people anymore. Actually, I don't even know if I WAS liked in the first place.
So I knew I had to REALLY change this time.. but I seriously had no motivation. So, I chose to start with the friendships I had left. One of those friendships grew into feelings. Feelings I didn't think were possible. Feelings I thought were because I just felt lonely.
It was an interesting experience. I didn't want to mistaken his kindness or friendliness for something more, so I just played it out... And from what I know now, he was also doing that too! Man.. I will never understand God's ways, and I never want to because by doing so, I am limiting God to what I know and understand, and God is bigger than that.
But here I am now. Completely in love with a man God has blessed me with. A man who has taught me things about myself I never knew existed and who is also helping me change things I always wanted to change.
Now, don't be fooled. I'm not giving all the credit to my boyfriend. I definitely give it all, my honor and praise, to the Almighty God. He is using my boyfriend and other people to help mold me into the person He wants me to be. I rarely step out of my comfort zone, but now is that time I am starting to do so. Especially as a leader and a singer.
My role in my church’s youth ministry has really got me realizing that there are teens and young adults out there who are probably going through what I went through. Growing up, I never really had a mentor or anyone to look up to to help me go through tough trials in my life.
As a leader, I just hope to become a positive role model. Yea, I had my fair shares of mistakes and I’m sure I’ll be making more along the way, but in order to make my mark on the world, I’d love to know that I’ve not made a difference in the world, but made a difference in someone’s life. Even if it is just one.
Thank you for reading and I hope this post may give hope to others who are struggling <3
The inspiration of our desires #willofGod #spiritualdesire #God
There is a beautiful promise in Psalm 37: Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart (v.4). It is, perhaps, legitimate to translate this as meaning not only the fulfillment of our desires, but even the inspiration of our desires, the inbreathing of His thoughts into us so that our prayers shall be in accord with His will and bring back to us the unfailing…
