IT WAS EITHER BEN FRANKLIN OR TOM JEFFERSON OR MARTHA STEWART WHO SAID IT
by dustin holland
The radio is on. Radiowoman’s voice is tired. Like she hasn’t had a day off in a month or two and maybe also she parties too much, but mostly she just wishes that the world she lived in wasn’t this one or that it was only parts of this one. Which, now that its been mentioned, is probably why she maybe parties too much and works too hard. RADIOWOMAN: and as of this morning the votes have all been counted and verified and - by the narrow margin of 53% - President Harvey’s plan for total bird anihilation has passed which means that over the next six months, all birds will be captured, documented, and euthenized. This sets an historic-
Wally(who is probably in his mid twenties and pretty scraggly looking and wearing a leather jacket with clothespins dangling off of it the way fringe would be if it were one of those leather jackets with fringe dangling all over/off of it. Like the sort of jacket neal young would wear, but w/ clothespins.) turns the radio off, takes it off the table, and sets it under his chair.
Phil( who is wearing a heavy metal t-shirt of some kind and black jeans) sits across the table from Wally. Between them on the table is a chess set. They are halfway through playing what apears to be a well matched and sloppily played game. They are both drinking coffee out of large mugs. They play the game throughout their conversation.
Behind them and throughout the room(which is dimly lit like the way a cafe full of chessboards would be dimly lit or else its flourescent lighting like in the caffeteria of an elementary school) are other tables with partially played games of chess and coffee mugs, but all of the other individuals sitting at the tables are mostly undressed(or maybe naked) except for the bird masks they are wearing.
Any lies/falsehoods have been bolded. Whenever WALLY lies, PHIL frowns.
WALLY: its such fucking bullshit. Total bird anihilation! Jesus we are a reprehensible people, Phil. I mean for fuck’s sake! … you know i got up at six this morning? Before the sun was out or anything. I didn’t have to be at work till one, but the international space station was visible for like five minutes this morning. The whole time it just flew right across the sky at 20,000 miles an hour. I guess it passes over the earth all the time, but its usually during the day- so being able to watch it like that is supposed to be pretty rare i think. Well, anyway i got up and i watche dit do its space station thing and god it made me feel so small. A good sort of small. Just watching what was basically a light in the sky floating past me and knowing how colossal… how far away it was… i don’t know. It made me want to contribute or something. Like, understanding how far away i was made me want to put something into the world that made it just a little bit past my realm of experience or at least on the edge of that realm you knw?
PHIL: yeah man. Shit. sounds like i missed out this morning.
WALLY: yeah but then we voted to fucking kill all the birds just because somebody read some article about that flu becoming airborne! And we’re so god damned stupid! And i get stuck in that.. In all the stupid and shortsighted shit that happens in the world i live in. I’m drowning in it. We all are, man and so we- i never do anything or else.. Or else when i do something. Something actual it just ends up being solopsistic and pretentious and who even cares about space stations! Who has the time? There’s real shit happening right here on the actual planet and i know that and a lot of the time i feel that, but fuck! I really just wanna look at these bright gigantic mysterious lights up above me. I just want to be mystified. To feel celestial.
PHIL studies the board silently for a moment. Sips his coffee. Sighs.
PHIL: no greater area of humor is provided by the young than that of our images of ourselves.
WALLY: you’re an asshole.
PHIL: i’m serious, Wally. This world is a joke. At best, its a game. But mostly, its a joke. WALLY: you’re still an asshole.
PHIL: yeah but that’s no reason to torture yourself about making a contribution that’ll hold up next to the space station. God man, you’ll give yourself a heart attack. Shit though. You’re right. The bird situation is despicable.
WALLY: Maybe i’ll try to start a petition or a meet-up group so that we can talk about saving the birds you know? So that we can get organized!
PHIL: someone ought to do something.
WALLY: you have any plans?
PHIL: i might get another cup of coffee
He stands up, pushes in his chair and moves a piece on the board.
PHIL:(continued) checkmate.
The moment PHIL says “checkmate”, we are suddenly looking at a significantly smaller, white room full of half(or entirely) naked people in bird masks all of whom are squawking in fear and trying to escape the room by climbing over one another and turning around in neurotic and incomplete circles. The noise is almost deafening. BACK AT THE TABLE WITH PHIL AND WALLY:
WALLY: i let you win
PHIL: you’re too good to me.
WALLY: always am.
They begin setting the board up for another game. WALLY grabs the radio, sets it on the table, and turns it on.
RADIOWMAN: in response to the recent vote in favor of total bird anihilation, and the first wave of bird detainments, the nation’s remaining unshackled birds have taken to the skies and are currently smearing their excrement all over major public buildings and landmarks. We are also recieving reports of falling pieces of metal and various other types of debris which may be related to general state of unrest among the bird population although that relationship has yet to be confirmed. The surgeon general has issued a code chartruse bird behavior warning and is advising people to remain home as much as possible until the bird situation is under control. It is going to be a long six months.