On deliberately missing you
To my poetry, hear this piece of our symphony. Thank you for living with me. Thank you for the harmony. All hope fueled my fingers to push themselves to the keys of this piece of machinery, as I miss you, vividly. So be it.
On deliberately missing you
9th of May, 2020, 15 minutes of 3 in the afternoon.
Back in the 30th of October, year 2015, my wife wrote:
"You cannot keep me in a photograph. Or in your memory. I will eventually fade, you will eventually forget me."
I was here in my room, somehow full of this sweat, brought to me (exclusively, oh yes!?) by the weather (hello, May!), when I've read this, again.
Waking up from a two-hour nap, yes, yes, then checking my phone, she messaged me 48 minutes ago as I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. I went to the balcony to
view how the cloud is so dim, in a somehow, shining way. That's weird. How can something shine and be dim? I don't know, actually.
Anyway, into writing this, I must say, that there is something going on within me,and it's hard to conjure essays if you haven't been feeling things.
But I know, my love, you may be the only one to be reading this, please, don't fret, we are okay.
Let me fully express how much I miss you and how much of what you said 4-5 years ago felt deep into me.
By the time I write this, it is actually the tenth of May.
I just kissed my wife to sleep, and I'm here in front of my laptop, pushing keys again.
Much of things that happened to day will constitute this essay, you may start to wonder why I decided to continue at this moment. By the way, it's 3 minutes
to 2 in the morning, actually. There was a 10-11 hour break before I write again, right? Right! Here I go on.
Today went on, like water in the river. It flowed. Yet, it had a raging flow.
My heart was shattered into pieces, like my bones cracked again, while I was there, outside, upbringing a blue pail at my left arm. Just a side info, I don't
use my left arm in lifting things since it's not my dominant arm, that is a fact. But I have no choice. We are running out of time, I think so.
There was no water. And that thing made my stepmother so mad, that she literally made me mad too.
But how is this related into missing you? Hold on, my dearest. We shall come to that soon. In line with that, I have plenty of time to write despite of my
eyes telling me to shut my eyelids, "hey we need to rest!" they shouted (of course that's not physically true LOL), but you get the idea, that's all we need.
I need to fill up 6 containers, and I think, I'll be done with that 1-2 hours from now. Hence, we shall continue!
Eight minutes at 2 in the morning, here I write again.
That's true. I can't keep you in a photograph. I don't want that either, for I want to keep you by my side, here, in my life.
That sounds cheesy eh? Yieeeee is the term to use, even though I'm not sure where that expression come from. Doesn't matter, but you do. Yieeeee!
Alright, now, Ian, FOCUS! Going back, I like taking pictures of you. Pictures, in a description (not true to all, 'coz we have advances in technology
nowadays) are just pieces of paper, with an organized splatter of ink, I guess. But for me, it has more of a value when "who" was made into a picture by that
splatter of ink. If that would depict a loved one, it means much more, what if it is you? Now, it means the most.
I can't keep you in a photograph, but we can keep ourselves there, in a peaceful scenery. Such beauty to find solace in your company.
My love, I can't keep you in a photograph, but can we keep each other? I want to keep you.
In my mind, I forged more cabins to be filled with you and me. I guess this is what water made me do.
It made me flow, it made me write my way into you. Like a river, flowing, like the clock, ticking, I'll be here, waiting.
Water. Now, it's eight minutes since I wrote the time again, eight minutes of those words, above. Hear me out, my love.
Into deliberately missing you, here I say, "you will not eventually fade", since I won't let you.
What am I trying to say? You know what, I'm glad you chose to stay. Now all I can say, is thank you, my love. Thank you for everyday.
Gratitude continually fills up within me like water from the mountains, going down through the river, flowing to the sea.
Now I understand thee, as you're a from the heavens, from above. Indeed, a heavenly body.
This is not a poem, I think? But I can't help myself to rhyme, my words, I want them to value, as you are more valuable than any dime.
Now, to tell you once more, "you will not fade", and I tell you so, and I won't let you. Water flows, but it stays too. Like me, to you.
I won't tell water that to be stagnant, of course. For water that stays, have a purpose. Yes, stagnant water can nourish life too! Oh no, I'm not trying to
tell how important stagnant water for mosquito larvae to be craddled in, HAHAHAHA! Hmmmmm how about lakes? That's a good idea! Water stay too in our cells!
That's why you're alive! Keep hydrated, my dearest.
You will not fade, and please don't. I trust you with that. I love you!
There maybe times that I may forget about you, but that doesn't mean that I will let it to happen, eventually. Here we go to the last statement. I will not
eventually forget you. Why is that so? It is because I won't let myself to do that, and I like not to forget you. Because to tell you frankly, I would like
to name you as the reason why my memory existed, and here, in my mind, you've always persisted.
I made you a house in my brain, that I've connected to any part of my life, as you are, the partner of my life. And into deliberately missing you, even
though you are miles away from me, and I'm kilometres away from you, you are in my mind, and I think of you, every time.
Yieeee is the term, I love you is the phrase. Here I deliver my thoughts, in so many ways, "I love you", and that, I always desire to say.
Tirelessly, endlessly.
35 minutes, at 2 in the morning, here I am, deliberately missing you. Here again, I write to you.
I was looking in the water while it steadily go out of the faucet, minutes ago, and yes, I think I need to sleep. Should I sleep? Hmmmmmmm why do I feel I
need to write more? If I can make a jet-pack out of my words, well, I'll be flying to you, and I'll be there with you. Suddenly I started to feel your hug
again, is this your soul, in astral projection, my love?
Should I sleep so that I can start dreaming, and then in the dream lair we can start dating, again? Pleaseeeeee all of the ways that can be conjured!
Dr. Stephen Strange! please conjure the parallel worlds! I believe we both transcend through space and time.
Now I'm going crazy, I think, I think.
Anyway, here I end, this piece of writing, with a revision of what you've said back then.
"You cannot keep me in a photograph, for I want you to keep me in you. In your memory I live, in our home, we thrive. At night the sun may eventually fade,
at morning the moon will do so too, but not us, for we love each other true. I love us, I love you."
Here I write, back in my room, as 45 minutes past 2 in morning, this paper is due.
and why? do I write this too? the reason, is I'm deliberately missing you.
This is still not a poem!
to my poetry, hear this piece of our symphony. Thank you for living with me. Thank you for the harmony.
~ ji (5/10/2020 ; 2:48 AM)