i did the scary thing and finally made an appointment with my doctor after 3 months of being paralysed with fear about the unopened t gel in my cupboard lmao

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i did the scary thing and finally made an appointment with my doctor after 3 months of being paralysed with fear about the unopened t gel in my cupboard lmao
bored
17th April 2021: my first post
Hi this is my first post. I'm Elio and I'm a trans guy, I've opened this blog so I could have a place to document my transition since I'm scared about writing on real paper cause my parents could read it.
I live in Italy and here it is compulsory to go to therapy for at least 6 months before taking hormones, so far I've had 2 appointments and I will go to the new one in 5 days.
i have an honest question as i'm really going through it. how do i date and meet people as a partially out trans guy (i say partially because i'm out to close friends and the internet lol) who will be on T soon? i am torn because i am lonely and long for romantic connection but the dysphoria of people assuming i am a butch lesbian is honestly debilitating. i was supposed to go on a date last weekend but i bailed on her because i couldn't stop thinking about it and i spiraled into a bad headspace. and i've been talking to someone else recently and its been going well and we are probably meeting up soon and i can feel the same feeling bubbling up again. i don't want to do that again and it makes me feel like an awful person.
i know that it all comes down to being upfront with matches. i know it does. i've had the most luck with bumble so far but they wouldn't let me change my name without ID, so its stuck as my deadname but i don't want to delete and remake my account mid-conversation. i had a trans flag emoji in my bio but at i must have deleted it at some point. idk what to do because i'm terrified of rejection and being alone, which is why i swore off dating until i "passed" because in my head i thought it might be easier. but being alone is hard too.
i think for the moment i'm just going to meet this person and if it goes well, i'll let her know because i'm going out of my mind with this. also i know i need to see my therapist. it's been six weeks since i had an appointment but i'm waiting on a new care plan from my GP.
Happy Chinese New Year's Day in Thailand 🇹🇭
Hi 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻
All I see is red.... now
Sorry for not being pretty enough for you.