November 27 2024
This morning, I started to feel the nostalgy when moving along the road around Saigon River, seeing the gentle flow around this city. Tomorrow is my last day in this office, marking just more than a year working with people here. Not a very good experience, I was feeling lonely for a long time here until I met O and M and started dancing again in O's event. Yesterday also was my last day at the event before I leave for Hanoi. I had a mixed feeling of both exciting to go back with my son and to start new work there, but also a lingering feeling before leaving those persons who I was very closed to, who has helped me feel the sense of being connected, and recognized, empathized and loved. I had so many happy days here, that now I started to doubt whether I could be happy the same. Now I'm not feeling very good, I think I start missing this city even when I'm still here. But i know, the challenge of time and distance will help me distinguish which connection is the sustainable one through difficulties.
I met M the day before yesterday. He is not the type of showing emotions and more of an avoidant, but he asked me if I knew that I was about to go back to Hanoi the day we met. I saw a lot of sadness in his eyes, although we have just dated for a month but i know it is not easy to let go each other at this early phase of a relationship. I was a little bit of selfish just thinking that in the last day of this city, I want to live a common dating life, having people to date, to be intimate, to be sweet with each other, I did not think much about future because I'm still leaving. Now, I really want to stay here for longer, building some foundation for the new relationships here, but somehow need to balance the career also. Somehow the sadness in his eyes makes me feel a little bit guilty. I gave my table to him, as a gift so that my presence somehow is still around him. But somehow he changed his bumble profile to Looking for casual, fun dates... I think something has changed in his mind, and he has been keeping silent since yesterday lunch. It is getting weird for me.
Today I don't feel very good, want to sleep early and hope that tomorrow i can feel better. I'm not doing anything tonight, just stay home and relax because i have been out too much. Suddenly I don't have any faith in whatever happening around me. I know that's not a good mental situation, Im trying to practice what my therapy told me, to "believe in the potential of being mutually loved and respect". Im listening to "khi nao" Trieu nai cat cover, with those beautiful melody and lyric, hoping to find its love for myself and I don't want to give up on it. I'm just a little bit exhausted these days, gonna pack my stuffs, play my piano a little bit then, go to bed early today, hoping tomorrow I would feel better. I miss those peaceful solitude days so much, but I also love having good connection with some people I'm knowing.