Healing in the darkness

[30sdiary]

17 July 2025

I'm living another life from where I'm just last week, in another city, another job, another luxury environment that I might have been dreaming long ago as a materialist, even with another flat mate that can't be more amazing with me. Everything is overwhelmed. I left Hanoi in so many sadness, regrets and longing. To my family, my lost love, my new opening connection that felt good from the first impression, my circle of closed people that knew me for decades and accepted me for the way I have been throughout my life. I was holding my son in my arms, tearing apart knowing we would have to wait at least another month to be close again, or maybe longer. I was still thinking about the Csaba, wondering how he is doing around in this world, and if he can feel any sense of me leaving the city. I came to Saigon again with a huge emptiness, no excitement and no expectation of anything in this life that can makes me feel alive again.

But this time, out of my expectation, I turned out to be quite good from the beginning. My apartment and location are amazingly out of my expectation. The flat share and her mom were waiting for me to come home to share the dinner with them, welcoming with their warm in a different way I felt from any of my 2 years experience in Sai Gon. My colleagues seem to been welcoming me and handling a team of 10 people might drain my energy in a good way, enough for me to feel like I'm living for something more important, although we have not really know each other very well. The good facility and smooth engagement with people here felt quite different from my past experience in this city. Not as so connected and fulfilling but enough for me to calm my feeling of loneliness and lost in this huge city. My 1st working day is exhausted with trying to learn the name of too many people at the same time, and trying to catch up with the current company. It is so good to have such experience in just first few days in this city. I miss my family, my connections in Hanoi but maybe this city this time might welcome me better. I felt empty and drained a little bit, but I have to admit that this city does not bring me pain, though it does not bring me too much happiness either. I wonder which one is better, too much happiness and pain or just an empty peaceful life with my solitude and no ups and downs nor happiness and sadness? And sometimes I wonder why some people can have both happiness and peace when I always have to choose between pain or solitude :) I'm just living my life the most appropriate way, not really happy but suitable in my practical condition. But I still feel thankful for what have been happening in Saigon right now.

[30sdiary]

12 June 2025

Today I don't know from where I got the courage to open our chatbox which has been muted from the day I told him we need to separate... It did not take me much effort to decide that I need to open it. Nothing from him during the whole time. We've been separated for 17 days and I'm still counting it but he has been posted on his profile like crazy, almost everyday for the first week we separated. This is controversial with his silence in social media when we were still together. Something is going on with him and I was staring at his news feed full of update, and in our chatbox covered with that persistence silence and emptiness. It felt just like I was looking at the profile of some strangers, staring at it. What he was posting during the whole time is a picture of himself on his birthday captioned "Green ears", a hollow sacarsim joke picture about his bald hair, an island on sales for his "stressful day", and the last one is about the astronaut that we were talking about when we went out for a astronomy movie in the cinema. His last post reminds me of that long ago day, the sweetness we share and the moment he rested his head on my lap quietly and gently.... Now there is nothing between us but a lingering silence to the forever, maybe. I know it should be that way but my heart still aches in my short nap at lunch. Decision made, time passed by, we moved on but my body still is not stable yet, his energy is still somewhere in my system although my mind, my hear have already let it go. During the short shallow sleep in my nap, some pain inside my body squeezed very tight inside and I can feel the little pain deep inside my chest trying to wake me up. This separation is not the kind of breaking me down, collapsing my vision and hope about future but it lingers in my being ground with my life and within my routines daily tasks. I can't stop wondering how he is doing with the end of us and the unfinished story we never had a chance to revisit? How is the beach treating him? Can he really find his peace away from me and will I able to find it again? If what I find is peace or just a hollow place as if it was always there? It is gloomy, in weather, life and my days recently. Nothing spikes me up. Ghosted job interview. Light money just enough to survive. So so moving on with just some random meeting. Emptiness and no future hope. I was reading the book "May be you should talk to someone" to the chapter where the therapist decided to pursue her own baby and wonder if i should do the same? I'm so failure in maintain any good relationship and finding my partner. Maybe I should focus on what i can control? Should I find some donor of sperm? Some people pops up in my mind but I need to focus on my career now and i don't know if i should just give up the career, the relationship for a while for it? I found a little warm recently from one of the friend and I should be happy for it but what i felt is just a shallow moment of happiness, not enough for me to find any meaning in it...Weather is still too nice these day, but not good to be a summer day in the middle of June. I need to go back to my swimming to clear my mind up...

[30sdiary]

09 Jun 2025

Been 2 week from the days I ended the relationship with him. I had a few days away from the city, breathing the mountain and hot spring air in a nature full of stillness and purity and of course, without his presence. The day I came back to the city is already when he was not here, and will not be here for at least few weeks ahead. My ache has been lighter, my mood can find it ground in my daily tasks. I go on with my life and haven't been deeply painful and sad as the first day 2 weeks ago. I'm getting used to not having him around and find a little relief for my mind and my soul. All the questions I asked has been answered clearly for myself. It is not the answer from him, nor our discussion but from me, for my own sake. I let him go for his peace because I know the longer we stay together, the more pain I will suffer and deterioration to the relationship and to my image that he builds for himself. Letting him go is my gift for him on his birthday, to set him back to his freedom and his compartmentalized life that has no place for me but has been shrunk a little bit from the day we met. I wish him all the best but I can't hold on our connection any longer. Sometimes, the thought about him shook me off from my short nap during the day, or made me burst into tears in the sauna room. I was tasting the saltiness of both tears and sweat and feeling the pain squeezing my chest. It was coming less frequent than 2 weeks ago and my mind has been able to get back the concentration in my works, but I know it will take me very long time to really recover fully as the day before we met.

I met one of my friend today, she shared a little bit of burden for me but can't sympathize with the way i behave and what i was looking for in this relationship. I'm in a position that needs a lot of energy on my vague career and my life, more than a relationship. It is hard to find something meaningful to be greatful for. But my son who has been staying with me has softened my mood a lot, my family is still around bringing me a little sense of belonging and support. My tenants are getting well along with me and she gave me 2 cupcakes with a big cup of litchi tea yesterday. It warmed up my days too much that may be she doesn't know it. Although my career is still pending, my job application is not going anywhere yet but sometimes i still got the interview and some schedules. And i still have money to spend, not too much but enough to live for me and my son. Somehow everything is grey, but I felt more grounded than most of my past. Looking back, although the way i ended the relationship is like me cutting a part of my body, it hurts but maybe i will get better from removing a stinky part more than leaving it on....

[30sdiary]

May 28 2025

The second morning I woke up from that ending with Anh, I felt a little weird ache in my chest squeezing my mind and my body all to it. I started to feel the pain of letting go the one meaningful connection that maybe I have valued the most so far. But I don't know if it is as mutual as I thought, or it is just my idealization and imagination. My mind is running arounds with conflicts, his presence on one hand brings me the feeling of being appreciated, valued, seen, understood, loved, cared, accepted, devoted but no peace and full of insecurity, anxiety, worry, and ambiguity because the string is hold too tight from my side without his awareness and effort to improve. I felt exhausted and tired enough to let it go for finding my own peace. I hope he would find his too, but subconsciously my mind is still lingering back to him every morning and late night around my sleep. I knew I did the right things, but it still hurts. One day I'll get over it and somehow I felt like I'm today already very different from the version of me last week. I should have a teaching session with Khanh Linh today, but need to spend time with Bubbie closing ceremony so we move the teaching to 2morrow. This morning, I spent almost 2hours to draft the quotation and learning report to send to anh Nam. It was a huge pending task and took me a while to finish, but if it is going well, this will be a good foundation to elevate my teaching career and find more students. The tasks took all my concentration and i had some sense of achievement after that, for a while I forgot the pain in my chest every moment thinking about my loss connection. The sense of achievement releases a little bit my heavy emotional mood recently and now I want to take some time for myself. Today is an empty day, maybe I will prepare teaching session and finish my course which has been pending for a while. I was teaching Khanh Linh yesterday and somehow found quite little bit of joy in it. I should be grateful for earning such good opportunity to be supportive and helpful from my network, and that some people trusts and loves me and brings value to my empty life. This house is getting quiet, and somehow peaceful. It is the end of calendar May and start of lunar May... I felt little bit better than yesterday, and much more better than the day before it. So I should trust my instinct to move on from here. But after this connection, I know it is not something I forget easy. He left a footprint in my mind, the way we interacted would be a benchmark i will subconscious compare everyone after him against it....

[30sdiary]

May 27 2025 Evening

It is the first night I 'm going through the mourning phase of him. The weird coldness of the end May, light and wet rain reminds me of the nights we were together. He was holding me in his arm, reaching out for me in his sleep. That memories is crawling back to me after my almost 2 hours of teaching. Things is going to change, he is going to be away from our city for a very long while and I have to admit that the fear of that uncertain has pushed me to end things before he goes, rather than suffer another long time in vagueness. I'd rather take that month to get over this, than continue that uncertainty without knowing where it goes. My heart is too small in that ambiguity and I need to protect it. Today I was talking to my therapist, I had so many doubt about my decision. It was impulsive, fast and unexpected, i think for both of us. He was likely shocked and numbed about it. But thinking back and forth for a while, I still believe that I did a right thing and if i really can be his friend, I can come back to him anytime. But this moment I need to spend for myself...

I was floating somewhere, can't even fake a tired smile. I have no energy for anything. But today I did my teaching for 2 hours, spent, the whole morning for an exam session, and met my therapist in the afternoon and spent a little bit time with my son getting his a new pair of glasses. I did not go to the swimming pool because i was so tired with my gloomy mood and was like freezing myself in the air. It felt heavy, a little regret, confused, unsure, but relieved at the same time. The way he presented in my life, the way he insisted on never turning around from me, and never let me disappear from his life all attacked my decision, lingering a false hope in my head. The hope of a possibility with the one I've never ever been more into before, the hope of his coming back again to me though I dont know what I would do if it happen or it just satisfied my ego.... I haven't cried much yet, but somehow in the dinner I had to try stopping my tears from falling down. I'm going away from the city for a while, somehow it turns out to be my healing trip...Somehow everything is supporting my decision, the bad weather, the unplanned trip, the weird gloomy days in May when it was usually hot. Sometimes I wonder does he think about me, will we ever cross path again. In last night sleep, I don't feel like I was really sleeping, or just being half awake. I want to say that goodnight over and over again with him even in my dream... It's like I'm just not used to the fact that now we already separated, I should not revisit the door between us for at least few weeks ahead to really get over it... now i know all the feeling is just compressed waiting to burst out very soon.

[30sdiary]

May 27 2025

So finally I stood up for my clarity and decided to stop this interaction. Now I'm numbed, the loss of this interaction hit me tough last night when i bursted into tears the moment lights shut down. I mourn the feeling of being understood, seen, accepted, a little bit stood up for the relationship the quiet way he has been trying to keep me in his life in a negotiable way with me. But now i want the clarity and he can't give the reasonable answer for it so I decided to step back. He was saying something comforting me like I enjoy being with you and spending time with you, the talk the being together is awesome, just sex is not good. But he does not want to build anything together with me, or in my mind he is not capable of. I know I made a right decision but it does not mean I don't feel bad about it. We were almost there... that is a unfinished story maybe both of us may never stop telling ourselves that what if we step up or back down just a little bit. Now I need to start my mourning process. I kept asking myself if my life is just the endless chain of days mourning, getting up, thriving then mourning again.

[30sdiary]

May 26 2025

My mind is full of continuous talk about this recent interaction. I kept questioning our potential, forgeting that he is just the one sharing a good time a little bit more consistent than other stranger but not yet enough consistent enough to make me feel safe and connected the way I want. My thoughts are torn between letting go of this connection and bringing some clarity for myself and any possibility of us. Thinking back to the interactions, it is not an easy one, he has been reluctant from the beginning and it was disrupted by his business travel and his high performance life. I know that is the incompatible, but now as we start working on it, it is getting hurt more than fun for me. I'm really thinking about ending it, knowing it is the best solution for both of us. But I don't want to end it in silence, because it is coward and this kind of interaction deserves more clarity than a silent ending. I will wait for few days until he is open about it, and for the last time in this interaction, really voice my concerns and real intention. Let God bless me with peace, calm and courage to close this chapter and release myself from any anxiety it is causing me and destroy my days.... I know I deserve more than what he is willing to give at this moment and if he shows any hesitation about it, it is time for me to let go and part away from his life.

Is that a sad feeling or regret? Not really, I present myself the most beautiful way and it is not my fault that he is blinded. My time and energy should be devoted to someone raising toward it....

A new month is coming. I don't know what to be gratitude for... May be the chance that life brings somebody who can really sense the unspoken work, the feeling just slipping through my mind, and made me feel appreciated, with his due care but in his inconsistency and sometime distance, and negligence. It is good to have such experience in life, but it would be better if I'm wise enough to not be addicted to it and lose myself for someone who is not capable, nor ready for my place in his life. Still I have a friend who is willing to listen to me, sharing helpful opinion to release my anxious mind. And a family honoring me unconditionally, a career new blooming that waiting for me to elevate it further, and a house with good tenants paying my bills regularly and making me feel safe in it. And some solitude time for myself to calm my nervous system down in all those dark negative thought and self doubt in my mind. I need to go swimming, the water will calm me down and sooth around my body and mind and wash all this thoughts away....

[30sdiary]

May 21 2025

I missed my single life, the one detaching from any noise of connection , boring but stable and let me focus on my roadmap. This new connection is draining me out. I felt disconnected by the distance, some hot and cold pattern, his consistency in showing up even when he is tired, and in taking care of me mentally, physically and emotionally. But deep down it would take so many courage to be with him as a fruitful relationship for both of us. He is emotional aware, attuned toward me and stable and available and open... All I ever dream of, except for the face that he barely has the capacity. Sometimes I feel like I'm everything to him, sometimes I feel like I'm just nothing more than a small dot beside the big sophisticated picture of his life. The connection between us is a deep, quiet, strong, stable one, emotional secured, but not as big for me as it is for him. He made me feel small and unimportant in his life that even how hard he tried to comfort me, my desire is just leaving him because I can't sustain being that small part. Things between us is still intense, exclusive, intentional but unclear on whether we are able to go together very long way ahead. But sometime his existence triggered another strategic question that I usually default myself not to overcome. If we are not meant to go a very long way, but our existence is meaningful in every single moment we are in each other life, is that enough for me just to enjoy the moment and go with him as far as I can? He is very sensitive and his presence brings me the sense of being seen, appreciated, and loved. So it was my only dilemma to deal with. Sometimes I want to talk to him but don't really know how to put it into words. That's always our issue. Feeling is delayed in communicated toward the other at the time is matter. And if it is prolonged, I'm not sure how long I can stay until I really give up....

[30sdiary]

April 9th 2025

My head was spinning around this new person for a while, until i decided to detach from this connection because of the way it triggered a lot of uncertainty and insecurity inside me. I know he somehow a source of belonging but a also a threat to my own peace, so I decided to step away from the connection although I really liked the person. I felt seen, understood, accepted and appreciated all at once, just because of my existence even when I'm doing nothing but breathing. But I know he might be incapable of being in a reciprocated relationship that I desire, through all the vagueness, the never come true plan, the forever day dream we had without any evidence of its becoming true. I was a little bit upset without our daily light hearted teasing, and flirty but sincere moment we share. I loved the way he consistent showed up from distance assuring me that he is still there, but I need his consistence in making the effort to see my but i can't really see it. So, I told myself that this connection is not going anywhere and getting used to not having him in my life. I don't have much thing to be proud of. All I have now is a dream that does guarantee my existence in this world, an incomplete self of me doubting on whether I will ever felt a sense of love and belonging again. But at least i"m still having a job paying for my existence, a friend that want to co found my business and a whole hearted big family that I never realized until today when I came back to see all my colleagues from long time ago... I m so touching by the affection everyone was giving to me after the whole time, maybe a decade after not seeing any of those. Somehow these days people drags me out of my shell, the one I created to stay away from any human connection. But i can't stay any longer. Now i have a dream to dedicate with my co founder, a family of people who really treasures my existence the way I never experienced. So I'm truly thankful for it today, although Im writing these words in my last exhaustion at the end of the day, craving for a deep and peaceful good night.

#reflection #daydream #motion #wedding

[30sdiary]

March 28 2025

Does he feel any loss of my presence? I asked chatgpt and it said maybe he has prepared for this by silently checking out the moment I moved on with my different life.

This morning I wake up, clearly experiencing that loss. But I don't have time for crying, I absorbed myself in works, tasks, daily routine and music. To forget the emptiness our relationship ending has left in my body, and the invisible sense of my painful being around the air. I'm like a transparent air just dangling some uncertain place.

It is so tough to suppress the feelings inside, I wish I have more time , or maybe less pressure from those work so that I can feel it. I want to touch that pain deeply, see it thoroughly and feel it immensely, to have a sense of my human being, instead of overwhelm myself with work, the way he is and has been doing I guess.

Something inside is cracked into sounds, completely collapsed in to the air as if it never existed. Am I missing him, or just blaming his existence for me fooling myself with an unreal relationship... Maybe both. This is not a super dark break up, it is a good one, maybe because we never really were in a romantic relationship the way I thought. My disappointment, my awareness prevent me from bursting into tears every morning the way i did before. But I wish i could be cry out as innocent as I did. Nothing is too much heavy and painful to knock me down, but his break up is like a threat, which is small and thin and continues dangling in the air right in front of my eyes to linger its long lasting sound and appearance. I'm not in really pain, but feel like it is too difficult and impossible to heal from here...

I wish i could describe this feelings in words, but it is so difficult because it is almost invisible, like the pain of body being inserted with a sewing needle, a little ache at that moment but she will not really feel it very obviously although it is already inside her body, until the needle flows with the blood , gently into her organ and she will die by that time, little by little everyday, appearing as normal as any healthy people. Am I experiencing that kind of pain? Small, lingering and fatal....

The darkness is all I can ever think of...

[30sdiary]

March 27 25, Evening

I went out for a swim, although I really did not have any mood for it. I did not really swim, just was floating in the water and felt my body floating subconsciously and that I'm still existing in this life. I wish I could not even feel my existence because sometime I question why i even exist. Water surrounds me with its gentle, silence and calmness but woke up all the good time and bad time we went through together. Those movie date, home cook, piano play, walking around, the moment he carried me... goes through my mind, like I was watching my own sad ending movie and felt deep sympathy with the main characters and crying for her. I cant' keep my tears from falling, water hided it away blending my tear into its flow and the saltiness on my lips can't be figured out whether it is my tears or the water. I just felt the regret, the pain and the salty taste on my lips. I know what is happening... the mourning of our relationship is just waking up, the one that I have been holding for myself in that whole month, hiding it after bunches of daily workload, new empty dates, finding new job, dealing with my job loss and hundreds of changes happening in my life. Do I miss him? Not really, I miss the life in the imagination with him in it, and the feeling of having someone that I can pour my heart out. I miss the trust in life, which might be blinded but felt hopeful and happy. Now all those illusion is gone, I"m just left with my emptiness, nothing to give out but my hopeless and broken soul.

I don't know how long I will continue to write this journal. But if life did not bring so much job the way I experienced before I leave Saigon, maybe I will just continue writing it for very long time. It is difficult to see any sunlight right here. I have so many things to do but my mind is stuck. I cant' control my tears, it comes and goes out of very random moment, i wish i have the ability to cry it out the whole day like i did in the past.

The 1st day of our break up is not easy. I'm craving for leaving out all of my emotion so that I will not have to feel it tomorrow. But I also know it would be repeating again and again until I find my peace , the thing I barely can experience out of my chaotic life.

I'm just really tired, emotionally and mentally exhausted... Wish i could be that cloud, just gently floating and melting in the air that way. Sometime in the air my nose smells a fragrance and i felt like he is somewhere just around.... My last message for him is still speaking it own words in my head reminding me of this broken imagination, which will never come true.... "I don't think it is about the process, it is that we want different things. You are okay with the kind of friendship that I'm not comfortable with. I cared about you, and it is can't be downgraded into casual relationship or friendship the way you want. I appreciate you being nice, but I think it's better to be honest with ourselves. Anw, bai bai nhé..."

[30sdiary]

March 27 2025

Today we official break up

Not because I stopped caring about him, nor he stopped caring about me. But because the way we cared for each other is just different. It turns out to be the whole time we were in that distance relationship is just my illusion because the moment I left, he has downgraded it into a casual, and now he told me that we can maintain this friendship. What kind of friendship is that wierd. I just told him that I'm not comfortable with the type of friendship in his term and we ended things that way, nice, calm, after a month of silence. Now the break up voiced up and I no longer have any doubt on this guy...

A part of me is broken from inside out. He just does not have any intention, and I feel like a dumb on this illusion that I created for myself. Did I ever love him? Nope. But we did have a time together, good and meaningful one with intention. I know it would just be a fling, but kept questioning myself if i never met him, or if i never had to leave the city would it be changing, although a part of me knowing that he might not be the person who can be in a relationship with me the way I wanted. I cried a lot, I did not expect anything from this relationship but ending it still leave me broken. The broken of a possible future together if we might have been in the same city. The broken of my belief in genuine interaction that makes everyone's life happier. I want to stop dating for a while as of being tired from this up and down.

Writing out here, i thought that i would cry but I'm not. I have my awareness of the nature of it, and ending it is a right decision, just the matter of time. But I was very sad, in our last final interaction. I no longer have anything to hang on, deeply feel the loneliness of isolation myself from the possible future we pictured together, the unrealistic one. I want to feel that pain but look like i'm numb. Or am I too broken enough to feel just another pain which has just been piling up around what's happening. I know dying is too stupid, but somehow I hate my life, myself, my lessons, whatever I'm going through.

I don't know what else to be gratitude for. Maybe my family, my house, my survival job that I'm still doing everyday and consuming my whole mind and energy on it so that I have no further capacity to feel the pain. I'm really trying to find a positive light, but it is so difficult. The landscape in front of me is just as gloomy as the atmosphere in this room that I'm staying. Maybe the only thing I can be greatful for is that I'm still breathing, though some moment I really want to end it. I really miss the life in Saigon, but now I realize it is just an illusion of happiness that cant sustain over time and distance. Where should I go, where is the place and home that I belong? Why is the nature creating such a isolated creatures like me and wants me survive through this.... Is there anyway to end all of this but not hurting my son and my family? If I don't have my family and my son, I may end my life already.... They are the only reason for me to exist, and I know one day they will leave me, and that would be the day I leave this world also. If my existence is just meaning to know how a loneliness can kill people, I would be happy prove it......

[30sdiary]

March 2nd 2025

Been 3 months since I came back to my city and leave all in Sai gon behind for nothing.

Now I'm seeing myself crying, the tears of pain and hopeless, and my exhaustion again. I miss my guy, but somehow I need to close this relationship chapter and I decided to end it last week. Now the pain start hurting me from inside out. I know it is going to hurt me for a while, but I don't have any other choice. I can't be with someone just putting his half of effort in our difficult distance relationship. He should be with someone more convenient. This kind of relationship, the one that needs strengths, courage and consistence is not what he can handle. Our memories are good but our reality does not guarantee any future. Understanding it from the moment i need to make my decision, but still our separation hurts me more than I thought it would. It is so difficult to say goodbye to the one who has been once someone we think about a future together....

It is all gloomy here, from the 1st day Im back, until almost the 100th day. I never see any sunlight and my life is just as gloomy as the weather here.

[30sdiary]

November 27 2024

This morning, I started to feel the nostalgy when moving along the road around Saigon River, seeing the gentle flow around this city. Tomorrow is my last day in this office, marking just more than a year working with people here. Not a very good experience, I was feeling lonely for a long time here until I met O and M and started dancing again in O's event. Yesterday also was my last day at the event before I leave for Hanoi. I had a mixed feeling of both exciting to go back with my son and to start new work there, but also a lingering feeling before leaving those persons who I was very closed to, who has helped me feel the sense of being connected, and recognized, empathized and loved. I had so many happy days here, that now I started to doubt whether I could be happy the same. Now I'm not feeling very good, I think I start missing this city even when I'm still here. But i know, the challenge of time and distance will help me distinguish which connection is the sustainable one through difficulties.

I met M the day before yesterday. He is not the type of showing emotions and more of an avoidant, but he asked me if I knew that I was about to go back to Hanoi the day we met. I saw a lot of sadness in his eyes, although we have just dated for a month but i know it is not easy to let go each other at this early phase of a relationship. I was a little bit of selfish just thinking that in the last day of this city, I want to live a common dating life, having people to date, to be intimate, to be sweet with each other, I did not think much about future because I'm still leaving. Now, I really want to stay here for longer, building some foundation for the new relationships here, but somehow need to balance the career also. Somehow the sadness in his eyes makes me feel a little bit guilty. I gave my table to him, as a gift so that my presence somehow is still around him. But somehow he changed his bumble profile to Looking for casual, fun dates... I think something has changed in his mind, and he has been keeping silent since yesterday lunch. It is getting weird for me.

Today I don't feel very good, want to sleep early and hope that tomorrow i can feel better. I'm not doing anything tonight, just stay home and relax because i have been out too much. Suddenly I don't have any faith in whatever happening around me. I know that's not a good mental situation, Im trying to practice what my therapy told me, to "believe in the potential of being mutually loved and respect". Im listening to "khi nao" Trieu nai cat cover, with those beautiful melody and lyric, hoping to find its love for myself and I don't want to give up on it. I'm just a little bit exhausted these days, gonna pack my stuffs, play my piano a little bit then, go to bed early today, hoping tomorrow I would feel better. I miss those peaceful solitude days so much, but I also love having good connection with some people I'm knowing.

[30sdiary]

November 25 2024

It is the last week I'm working here, next Tuesday is the one way flight back to Hanoi starting a new phase of my life, with full of uncertainty in both work, life and relationship. I'm still having one more final interview on Wednesday, in 2 days for the remote job that I really want to have. If I get the job, that would be a giant game changer. Otherwise, just my return back to Hanoi is already a big game changer itself. This life is full of uncertainty, so I'm just trying to do the best I can every single moment and enjoying this life here as if I never come back. There was one moment back to previous 2 months, one thought crossed my mind, and I suddenly made a stupid wish that if this city has never treated me well, please God make my life to the most fulfillment as it could be when I'm still here. Then somehow, my wish now came true. Previous few weeks have become the most wonderful time of my life in this city, and all the deepest secret things I want to do are all becoming true. Now, may I as God to let me know how to continue it when I'm away from this city? Is that too much for a wish? I'm just an ordinary person after all

I'm seeing chi Nga today, who might help me a lot in the future if i get the remote job and will come back to stay here for longer time. That's really what I want and if I can stay with chi Nga when I come back, that would be the most perfect arrangement that the universe can treat me, and at that moment I would be feeling like all the suffering I have been through this whole life is just worth it. Actually that's what I'm praying for. But i know all the arrangement is already the best we have. So tonight I'm having dinner then will try to see M for a while. Basically I have only ten day here, but too many things to do and don't have time to do my journaling. I don't have many time to thought either. Just harmonizing my relationship with those people consumes all of my time and energy. Sometimes, I miss those days of my own solitude, how peaceful and sad they were. Things changed so quick, and now it is keeping changing that I have no idea how my life is going to right now. Separating from these people for a while would also create some time and space for us to really reflect if we are good together the way we want.

these days, my feelings keep changing from excitement to be with my date, to the feeling of guilty not really telling everyone the truth about how I'm handling my life and relationships now. Im also overwhelmed by trying to handle many changes at the same time, and a little bit tired of moving around too much. I think my mind is not so clear now that i'm not able to really journal about anything. But i'm still feeling happy completely for the way my life is now. Sometimes, I felt a little bit off from all the relationship around me, and start to feel bored with people, and miss the old days when I had so much time for myself. I'm also excited going back to Hanoi for my work and my family.

I'm grateful for all the opportunities and persons around me. Love that moment in that Korean restaurant taking pictures of the one I liked so much, walking around those clean wealthy area and hanging out. Also love the way he cares about my feelings, my birthday, and plan for a special date. Also love the knowledge, wisdom of an old mature person, who is patient with me, see me through and still want to be with me without urging too much physically, the way he is proud of being with me with his friend, his family, and the way we share everything on a daily basis and support each other mentally and physically , the way we fully presence ourselves every time we are together.... that is so much love to give and receive. Although I'm scared of the distance, i know it also strengthen the real relationship and I'm willing to give us a chance and give myself an opportunity to fight and trust in it again. Finally, I'm still welcomed by this city and thankful for these final days.

[30sdiary]

Nov 20 2024

Cant’ believe I have not got even time to do any of my journaling in 2 weeks. It was really crazy time. Lots of things happen, both works, relationships, friends, passions, hobbies and my mental health.

I still have an offer to work in Hanoi for V and should be there on 9th Dec, based on the offer but somehow the manager thought that I’m going to be there on 26th Nov and she looked disappointed knowing that I can’t arrange to be there on 2nd Dec. I’m also trying to do it, but really want to stay more time in Sai Gon to see any other possibilities. I really felt better here and just thinking about moving back to Hanoi kind of make me sick. Few interviews are still on going and hold for a while, I don’t like the feeling of working for Vingroup at all to be honest. Moving back to Hanoi, renting new apartment, working like hell for the first period of time, being far away from Saigon’s friends who have just met, breathing the toxic environment out there again, all those things are so unattractive. But I know after all, my son is missing me a lot.

I really enjoy the salsa event hosted by O and I made some friends there. From the day I met both O and M, everything changed a lot. I enjoy that latin dance and would like to spend more time on it, I met Max who dances very well and we spent time practicing the dance together. He is a good friend, knowing the boundaries I set and respect it but still maintaining our dance. I met Jam, who dances also well but then got back to Hanoi and was also an interesting person. I love dancing so much and never in my life could experience that feeling of being full filled like this moment. I had one dinner with Max and figured out he is a very kind and keen on learning behind that face of a killers, however I believe he got trouble with emotions because he seemed annoyed after I canceled the dance 2nd time when I was in the hospital. We had a nice dinner in the D1 steakhouse decorated in Xmas season, talking about plan for the year end and both had no plan for the future, but both enjoyed every current moment of our lives. Max and I want to start creating some new event together and If I had more time here, I would be very happy doing it with passion. Getting away from Saigon is getting harder because I have just started loving this city, then it is time to go back to Hanoi. Also, O is going to stop the class because he seemed upset with the fact that people are not getting there seriously the way he expected, and guessed that people are not respecting it because he is giving out free of charge. I have that feeling about free of charge good thing already, but he is just too old to listen to me from the first time I told him. However, I felt he really appreciated me when he talked to his sister about me and how helpful I was to him.

My relationship with M was getting more serious than I thought. We were very close; it was amazing intimacy moment and we were both happy about it. From the moment I mentioned with him my plan to move back to Hanoi until now, he still made up his mind on continuing our relationship and we would manage to see each other. He made me good pancake late after his working hours, was honest about his inability to sleep with other, was there at the hospital with me late at night taking care of me when I need him the most. The moment we were at the coffee shop when he told me that “don’t find another tây đẹp train he”, I felt a mix of both sadness and happiness and my tears have fallen down on my face again. I don’t know how long I will be in Hanoi, but once I got back there I need to prepare for at least few months long distance relationship with him. I think he is also an avoidant like me, because when we were talking about feelings, he is kind of avoiding when it is getting too emotional. But now I know that being loved the right and healthy way would heal a people and work on that unhealthy attachment style so I’m kind of getting some sense of what I can do about it. We both like each other a lot and don’t want to see other people at all. However, we are still early dating, and I’m still seeing other persons and I felt guilty about not letting him know about it. At the same time O kept telling me that he will look at how I settle down in Hanoi then to move there with me if things with me is getting serious in Hanoi. I don’t know somehow I don’t have a trust in these new relationships. I should have the trust, O was right, I really have trust issue and even at this moment there are so many good things going on, I still believe that good things don’t belong to me and it is just going to end in some way. It is a horrible thought, and I’m not feeling good at all today. I’m going to swimming pool today to help me relax a little bit, my life has just turned from a empty hole to a mess within a very short time… I need to calm me down and relax.

I’m thankful for the way Saigon has treated me with many good connections recently, the happiness, fulfilment it brings. I had a chance to do whatever I want to do in those last moments in this city, dating, dancing, being close with someone, building something together. Through up and downs, I’m still having people to rely on and don’t have to be so independent the way I was in the past. Those memories would be warming my soul up in my first lonely new days in Hanoi. During my mess of people, career opportunities and connections, I still earn some random money from an online meeting and still have some potential interviews to process until my last day in this city. Maybe all the door to stay here are not yet close, I still keep some hope that life would treat me fairly and no matter what happens would be always the way it should. I hope that in my last days here, I can bring my best self to people here until I’m still around.

[30sdiary]

November 06 2024

What an crazy evening yesterday. I've finally got the offer from Hanoi, the only place that really wants me also the most generous offer I think a company in this country can give, yesterday afternoon. I was going to the social dance because of thinking that I might help people there moving better. Then it got weird because everyone was having a partner to dance and because I arrived very late, I'm the only one left. I was hanging for a while, seeing people doing, then trying to get comfortable being there on my own, then how lucky I was, the place got a pool table and I was there playing pool by myself. What a weird feeling being left out that way, but I was trying my best to be there and not to disappoint O by just leaving right away. Finally after almost an hour playing pool by myself, there came a guy getting to the place himself without a partner, he was not dancing and when I asked, he told me that he can't do the salsa, only bachata. How lucky I was, finally i have someone to dance with... Then everything got weird because the guy was sticking with me the whole evening and trying to keep me away from anyone else. So O got a little bit annoyed and stole me away from that guy. I felt like they are both competitive in trying to get me away from the other.... what a horrible atmosphere that I almost was about to leave. O also got annoyed because the guy got my number and he started talking about that guy... I'm too old for those kind of competition and just want peace for myself.

I'm already in a mess of M and O, now the new guy is creating more trouble and theoretically I will not be in this city so long if no job offer is coming to me from here. I don't know where life is bringing me to, back to my hometown with a dream high paying job, living a lonely life with full of money, or staying here unemployed but happy with new way i'm connecting to people here and trying to pursue another job which I'm not sure if it will exist and if this city wants me to get out. It is just so confusing. I need to response the offer tomorrow, and talk to M tomorrow about our relationship also. I can't believe that things have been crazily change that I can't even recognize. The moment i start loving Saigon is the moment the city does not want me anymore. That's tough for me.

I'm feeling grateful for all the love that I've received from surrounding people and new connections, the feeling I've never been experienced for a very long time. Although being confused of too many decisions need to be made, still I'm feeling thankful for so many options that life has opening up recently. It is overwhelmed, but also brought a sense of healing for my hopeless soul few weeks before. I hope things would get clearer after having a talk with M and O on our possible way to navigate future together so that I can make a good decision. I hope I will stay sound minded and calm enough to get over those difficult conversations with both people. I really hope that i can be noc nha of M the way we wanted, if we are that level of compatible, and these difficulties and tough conversations could uplift our relationship to a better future of understanding and support and love. I hope he would be that kind of person, the way i thought he is now. Otherwise, I still have a good career after all. Maybe life should be that way of trade off that I need to be master....