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My five happy things for yesterday

• dog had a great morning

• quiet background soundtrack music

• much much lower Gastroparesis symptoms today

• for about twenty seconds while walking outside, I had my head back and eyes up and closed in the glow of sunlight blasting through a tangle of tree branches and leaves, and my brain felt like I might actually be partly alive at the moment right here right now, and that was exciting (PROGRESS)

• just sitting with it for a minute when The Grief™ hits out of nowhere. and being gentle and patient about it instead of panicking and hitting the experience with a broom

#fivethingsaday #trauma evolution

tbh maybe I just need to reread

• Lord of the Rings

• One More Hot Chocolate Vigil

• Switch

• Cor et Cerebrum

and my Shutterbug series and then I’ll remember to believe that people might be trustworthy. Like. I still believe they’re inherently good and all behavior issues and stuff stem from things we can definitely identify and fix and we can and should do that. But I can’t feel in any way like that IRL when I’m not just hypothetically thinking about fellow adults. So I just gotta drown myself in stories that rebuild that and spend time like, realizing that real people in the real world are more like the hypothetical people in my hypothetical thought experiment world. And I live in a world. And that world is real. And real people in it are real and normal

#i also realized that the fact that I’ve been derealized and depersonalized so much of the time for years now #is probably deeply compounding the issue because #the only parts that feel very real are overwhelming stress and danger #and everything that’s nicer feels like a story if that #so maybe all of this needs to be worked on at once. maybe I should like go stand in freezing water for a while or something #until I hard reboot #if anyone has any hard reboot tips let me know #im frankly out of ideas #I was working on the dissociation but got curb stomped and now I haven’t been able to get off this plateau in a While #life is a Tremors movie and I am a hapless individual stuck on a measly rock in the desert trying to stay safe from Graboids living in #the liminal time on top of that rock #things to think about #to do #shh katie #trauma evolution

#thinking about responding to a reporter who reached out about [redacted group] that I’d talked in a subreddit about #i need to mull it over plenty and talk with a couple older adults to get thoughts but it’s interesting to be in a place where the idea alone #didn’t immediately send me into a panicked tailspin #trauma evolution

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but people can change.

#and they’re often prone to it. actually.#if they have the right environment to change in #so like. you don’t need to give up on people just because it’s hard or taking time #no one changes overnight #and no one changes without pain and turmoil at least a little #but guys. people change. let them #we can’t want people to change and then refuse to believe it when they start to #or criticize them during their efforts to change here and there #holy shit throw them a bone they’re trying #they care enough to try #accept that as the gift it is from one human to another #and keep hope for people changing if we show them kinder and healthier option #*options #trauma evolution

I opened Pinterest for the first time in months.

That made me realize a lot about how bad I was actually doing and how much of a Waffle House Index use of Pinterest is for adult me, apparently.

I hadn’t realized it had grown that foundational to me in a healthy-brain-exercise-and-hobby-joy way. Nice to know moving forward! It’s another sign I can keep track of and use to spot correlation/indicator patterns earlier my behavior.

I love this kind of thing, it makes me so excited!

#personal data hacking is my passion #someday I’ll tell a story about the most notable times I tracked things or hacked my own mental processes from childhood to now #including the fear of spiders and bed wetting and behavior changes and posture and heart rate and cursive and putting kitchen items and #trash away as soon as I’m finished using them instead of never ever or ages and ages later #I’m so proud of that #you have to give it time and still commit. chaining thoughts and routines and behaviors really works #we are not separate brains and bodies and external environments #anyway I’m gonna go haha I used up he last of my energy burst on Discord and here and I need to go rest and lie on the floor and probly doze #love you all be back soon bye mwah!#add to journal #trauma evolution #my Waffle House index #this is going to be a fun new tag I’m so going to have fun with this and I bet it’ll be a helpful example reference for other people too #more than just for future me!#so excited so proud of myself so happy so grateful for hope about me really trusting that my ability and my behavior and my performance #are able to and going to yes keep getting better #long many-milestone path-journeys of potential #like when I was a little 6-7 year old kid-team athlete looking ahead at a concept of a future with me over time getting #stronger and cleverer and faster and slicker and calmer and even happier and more and more capable and able to accomplish!#a gift. all this time I didn’t think I’d have and have been living anyway is such a gift.#knowing that I truly have future time to grow and explore and change and improve in even though I still can’t FEEL or IMAGINE that future #time yet. also a gift.#the time I will one day realize I can imagine a future and imagine myself alive? will be a gift.#breath is a gift. experiencing life is a gift. other life is a gift. rhythm is a gift. motion is a gift. awake is a gift. color is a gift.#such a great expanse. all of it new. all of it eternal. all of it me. all of it nothing I’ve ever known before. all of it all of it #all of it. gifts.#gonna go have floor time now. this would be such a nice time to re-re-regain my ability to cry!#mwah I love you future me. take care of your hand and thank u for writing all this down 💛#hey little star whatcha gonna queue?#my poetry

My five happy things for today

• Sloppy Seconds by Watsky

• the me who sobbed on Midwestern highways and backroads and screamed through tears, begging the hope for a better existence to either go away for good or actually work out, the me who cried so hard she couldn’t see to drive, I hold her in my hands and I love her and I tell her it worked. I tell her she did good and I tell her she can rest. you cried and screamed and raged and dissociated your way through those drives, and every time you refused to let yourself take that wheel one sharp extra turn to drive into a pole. You wondered if you were just prolonging the inevitable. You weren’t, baby. You weren’t. You were the canary in the coal mine, and no one listened to you in time. You stepped in in time to save yourself. And you sounded the alarm enough to start start saving some of the others too. It wasn’t for nothing. Okay? I hold you here and I show you our joy and our pain and our sameness and our change and I tell you it’s okay. Thank you for all the mornings and nights and afternoons you kept us on that road and kept that shredded scrap of hope alive.

• I didn’t say anything the day of, but as of a few days ago, I just experienced the first full year with out a serous family medical emergency or death I’ve had since 2008. Seriously. My first year. Nothing went insanely wrong. There was no other shoe to drop. It was astounding.

• There were rainbows from the sun catcher ALL over the office while I worked this morning, and I got to stare at them when I needed to think

• people post instructions on YouTube for how to do EVERY single thing and we get to learn all that for free. Bonkers. Humanity is cool

#fivethingsaday #trauma evolution #cult escapee

every week I keep finding myself crying at something new, and then maybe one out of every five times I end up crying a second time when I’m hit a few minutes later with how overjoyed and grateful I am to be slowly learning to cry like I used to again after soooooooo much patient work with no results for so long

#I’m really happy about this in case that’s not clear lol #trauma evolution #healing #I felt like I was never going to feel larger feelings ever again for a while there (again)

as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd