One of the more grating and overwhelming parts of ideation that you don't get to talk about (because you don't get to talk about anything 🤪) is that at a certain point its just fucking exhausting. Like I'm so tired of my brain just telling me over and over and over again that there's no way out. I already know. And this is on top of how exhausted I am because you expend energy to NOT do it and to dodge self harm. It's so draining.
And just like... it's poverty. My brain isn't even wrong. The only way out is money and I don't have any. I'm not even in control of begging or doing supplemental work anymore. All of hustle culture and ask for help exists almost exclusively online and everything is pay to play now. I'm functionally powerless and I get that I'm screwed, but my brain won't shut the fuck up and my nervous system won't stop sharpening knives so I can't even have peace for however many months I have left before eviction if the job market doesn't miraculously become a thing for human beings again.
