#tree vents

[eyesofaspens]

i made a friend back in October and we got super close, best friend i ever had in my life, and then out of no where they cut me off with no warning or goodbye in February. How can someone I knew for so little time fuck me up this bad. i still cry over them. i still think of them. i see them in everything. i still love them. i feel crazy for how much i cared and still care, and i’m never going to feel safe in a friendship again and i’m never going to be able to let myself get that close to anyone ever again. i feel so fucking stupid. i just miss them so much.

[demigoddessofthetrees]

Determined to GTFO

My anger and hatred of my parents has turned into determination for me to get a job, get my drivers licence, and out do their expectations. Then say fuck you and move out once I hit 18. Because of their actions I am having less and less emotional attachments to them so it wont be hard moving out aside from them asking me why and that they only loved me. Even though they always dead name me and call me a man so they don't really mean that do they? Anyway 8 months to do all that, I can do it.

[eyesofaspens]

Okay this bitch is kinda pissing me off at this point like Jesus Christ just tell me what’s wrong, dont make me feel like im just the bane of your existence or something i didn’t fucking do anything

[eyesofaspens]

i miss Kye.

[eyesofaspens]

they won't stop bleeding

[eyesofaspens]

every little noise or lack of noise or change in the fucking air literally everything is fucking me up rn i hate cptsd its just getting worse uhhhhhhhhghhhhggggghg i want to throw up i feel like im gonna sob and scream and i want to yell and punch the wall and i wanna be held and tell me ill be okay and they'll be okay and it won't happen again okay?

[eyesofaspens]

i never think that i'm an especially caring and sympathetic person until a friend that i've actually only known like a month goes to me first for comfort and then i realize that this happens a lot and then suddenly im the only person that they'll call when they want to kill themselves and i'm the only one keeping them alive and i am the only thing, literally the only thing stopping someone else from dying and they've put their life in my hands but im only 14 and i don't know what to do and i keep trying but i keep losing and im losing them and they're going to die and it's my fault and.

stop it.

stop it.

breathe.

and then i realize that im not 14 anymore, i am older and wiser and i know how to handle these things now. and i realize that this is not the same person as it was when i was 14. i realize that we both know how to handle these things better than me and my other friend back when i was 14. i wont let anything happen. but if something does then it isn't my fault. i'll do my best and i wont lose anyone else. but i wont break myself to pieces again either. and then i realize that it will be okay. and then i breathe

[eyesofaspens]

I was angry at first, and that caused me to let our relationship deteriorate. Now I’m pissed at myself, because i realize that though the original conflict sucked, it wasn’t worth losing a friend over. And i don’t know if i can fix it.