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Wishes. I found this quite beautiful so I wrote it out :)

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Insufficient

For as long as I can remember I have always struggled to define the word ‘enough’ and I don’t mean in a definitive sense of the literal word I mean in the context of how enough is ‘enough’.

How much of something, whether it be an action or in words is enough to constitute the use of the word ‘enough’? How do you know if you are studying enough? How do you know if you are eating enough? How do you know if you yourself is enough for someone or something? And how do you know if you are good enough? And how do you know when you’ve done enough, and should you have really done more (and if you did do more, how much more would you have to do before you can say you’ve done enough that you really can?). Yes it’s confusing. It’s almost as bad as all the other unanswered questions or the what-ifs that linger in your mind about anything remotely important to you.

Justification is such a heavy aspect in the acceptance of ourselves and other people that it leaves this one word off in the air for interpretation and upon failure of some cause then does it reappear in the sense that ‘No, maybe you didn’t do enough.’

This concept arose this week as it does quite often for myself in the battle of not knowing which direction I am headed. I feel as though my life has been paved out and I know exactly what I need to be doing though when it comes to doing it my limbic system sort of shuts down dead duck. In fact now that I think of it I believe there is something concerning my limbic system and its apparent see-saw. I should look into this as soon as possible.

Upon advice that I should go see a counsellor or health professional of sorts I find it difficult to fathom what they would tell me that I wouldn’t be able to tell myself or something that I don’t already know. Is there a mental condition or trait that describes being highly aware of oneself and their clockwork to the point of complete disregard for the opinion of anyone else about thyself simply based upon the fact that they are not you and rooted from the idea that nobody knows anyone better than they know themselves?

Sometimes I feel like I know myself too much that the processes in my brain strategically thread my thoughts to gain certain outcomes to which I have no understanding of how I got there or what’s happening or on the off-chance that this is not the case then maybe wilful blindness. Not that either can be proven via fact or science but for now it will stay as theory.

Bottom line being, I don’t know if I am enough or good enough for what I’m trying to be, do and become and it worries me intensely. I’d like to think I am doing enough and that my capacity as a human being is enough to pursue the dreams and path that I am walking along but then again, you never really know until you know… you know?

- A

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