Lots of thoughts about hal this morning. I know he’s his own person but I feel like people neglect how much the first 13 years of your life forms you as a person and how slow the progression from Dirk to Hal was in actuality.
He was Dirk, in the way that I was who I was at thirteen and am who I am now. He is Dirk in the way that I was who I was at thirteen, and am who I am now. If the positions were swapped, Hal would be Dirk and Dirk would be Hal, because they started at the same point that eventually diverged. I still think Hal’s his own person, because I think nurture plays a huge role in identity and I don’t think identity is concrete, but I think there’s conflict within him about that, and I think it affects his view of himself and others.
We are fine with all the changes we endure to become who we are because we don’t have a mirror version growing alongside us in a different way, but I feel like seeing a version of you that lived and had different experiences isn’t something we’d identify as ‘us,’ because it’s not built on the continued experiences we have. I think Hal is Hal and Dirk is Dirk, but I think Hal is also Dirk a little, but Dirk isn’t Hal a little because he isn’t part of the experiences Hal had. If that makes sense.
All this to say, I think Hal’s burdened by the fact he is forced to fully disconnect from Dirk’s identity, even if he still is in some capacity Dirk. I don’t think it’s consciously labelled that way, but I think he recalls his childhood and can’t connect to it because doing so would be, on some level, accepting that he is Dirk, because he was Dirk. Or understanding that he will like and admire many of the things Dirk likes and admires because his formative years were similar, if not identical. Hal doesn’t have a reason to not like puppets or horses or Batman or any of that stuff, beyond maybe the way we look at our childhood favorites and kinda cringe, or how tastes may evolve. He likes those things, and he knows he likes those things Dirk likes because he was/is/holds within himself a large piece of Dirk.
He remembers a time when the alpha kids were his friends, Dave is his Bro, he misses his Cal. But that’s only because he was/is/contains Dirk, and Dirk has those things. Brotherhood isn’t remotely close to the word to describe the relationship, because brothers can share a father and friends, and sure Hal could make those same friends anew with his current existence, but the way they exist in the past tense is in the frame of Dirk’s Identity. Dirk’s Bro, Dirk’s Friends, Dirk’s Cal, Dirk’s Hobbies, Dirk’s Favorites. And there is evolution, obviously! He likes new things, makes new friends, has new hobbies because he is also an independent person existing in the world. But there are parts of him that are unable to be untied from Dirk because you can’t detangled yourself from the experiences you had in your life, and especially not your first thirteen years.
Anyway point is i think hals a heart player just a mage instead <3
