#trtears

[meeragothoney]

It’s like I can’t afford pain or hurt. Someone like me I think has gone through enough. Well, my version of “enough” isn’t enough at all, turns out.

How could this be. When it’s no longer a question, rather a broken record of memories on constant fucking display. They no longer belong to where they should be. They spill over and over and they scandalize my coward existing. I love my life enough not to wreck it. I love my beloved ones’ lives enough not to wreck them either. Could this be my newest hymn for the new me?

[meeragothoney]

Overflowing Bag of Worries

I could explain to him my reasons and have all the right excuses. But my ownership of my mistakes make me realize that I am more than them, so much more. The ego of a man is fragile and on the surface, you could touch it with a bet over the weather. My ego could be the same, though I doubt it. I’m not the one who feels constantly on display. I get it now, I get that we are not happy, that we are madly obsessed and betrayed. But where are we heading to? I don’t want to acquire my previous position, to him I’m that girl who did exactly the expected, the wounded and the savage. But what am I to do if I can’t forget his mistakes, his failing to own them whenever I run back to him? He placed a knife and motioned my hand to this love’s trust and I’m forever lost. So we are now two on the same boat, floating in the debris of this war. I never wanted it to be one. But I’m in love with a soldier, while he is in a martyr. I woke up this morning crying, my heart hurts. Not out of confusion, I know where I am and how we got here. These tears are love and an attempt for patience.

[meeragothoney]

“[…] There is a time to love, and a time to be reasonable for your own health.” 
A sketch kidnapped and torn before I bid it farewell. Regretting won’t bring it back. I had to learn to go on with my loss. I had to learn not to ever cost anyone anything. That’s right, I had to learn. 
Why do I have to learn anything else now? My self is what it is. I can’t fit into someone’s being. I can only be this and it is enough. 
I will kill for me and I’d die.

[meeragothoney]

Behind these eyelids you live, your laughter, your pain, your pride. If you’re gone, make my first words your last.

It’s addicting the feeling of re discovering and re learning love. The ones that fail bring us closer to who we are. And what are we if not what we become after the hurt.

That’s how it felt like, that’s how I knew. But right now It’s the first time I sleep with a clean conscience. I gave my best and will continue to do so, with or without you.

[meeragothoney]

You won’t stay strong when it’s said to you, stay strong everything will be over soon. If you could’ve managed it, you would’ve been strong. No one would take notice of things that happen very often, so don’t be shocked if your tears won’t count. You could always surrender and choose a better battle, a better cause for you to fight for. But the thing is, the battle that always matters and the one that truly counts, is the one where you’d be standing in front of the mirror trying to collect your self from the loss, telling yourself to stay strong.

[meeragothoney]

Writing about him not only scares me, it terrifies me. Yet it daunts me, so I will indulge in the act.

I see pieces of him and I can’t glue them back together, so I tell myself that I need to love each and every one of them individually, alternately.

I can’t put him into words because I’m busy explaining my feelings to a self of mine. The one that keeps fighting for loneliness, the one who’s been hurt.

He doesn’t see that the weights of his footprints are sometimes all I could feel, weighing tragically with the abscence of my own unwalked miles.

[meeragothoney]

Cliched. My happiness for the lovers who chose not me but others is what makes me cave in to a lord I’ve forsaken at the end of the day. How could I do this to myself by being just myself. How could I look into my eyes saying that I still deserve the best and the best only while knowing that I’m not the greatest happiness out there. How can I separate my selflessness from the love I feel and how can I make my heart smaller. “You’re not a mother. You don’t have to love them unfuckingconditionally” I tell myself but I do and I don’t know how to stop. “Let them go. Let them know how you feel like once they let you go.” And they do go. And they do come back. And they keep piling up in the attic of my soul till I’m all but dust and revenge.

[meeragothoney]

I’m buckled with words, held back by them. Can’t express my chemical conflicts, my neurotransmitters and their signals. I miss my need for words. Sitting down and writing. Such a youthful act.