The Diagnosis Isn’t Easy
Post written by Kathy Lamb on March 19, 2019.
I’m finally making myself sit down to write another blog post. I’ve had so many appointments and so many things churning through my head that I haven’t known where or how to continue.
I received the official diagnosis of breast cancer on Wednesday, November 7, 2018. Joe actually received the information right before I did. I went to his office to hear the news. We were at first stunned and shocked into silence. Our friend and Joe’s nurse, Linda, was right there to help us with follow-up appointments and hugs.
On December 6, 2018, I had my first surgery, a lumpectomy on both breasts and a sentinel node biopsy on the right side. I had received the diagnosis of Invasive Lobular Carcinoma in the right breast and a precancerous area of the same type on the left breast. We waited to hear what the pathologist found in the excised tissues. Happily, the left breast needed no further treatment, but the edges (margins) of the tissue from the right side were not clear of cancer and there was one of two lymph nodes removed that was cancerous. Unfortunately, this meant more tests and more questions and more concerns.
At the same time that I was dealing with a cancer diagnosis and surgery, my mom was very sick with an unknown illness and had been hospitalized the day before my first surgery, December 5, 2018, her birthday. Little did we know then, that she would have to eventually fight for her life in not one but three different hospitals.
**I’m trying to continue with this timeline, but find myself sitting in a sea of emotion today, as I have for the last week. I need to tell you, I trust God, I do! But, I’m really weary and I want to be done with appointments. I had to start a hormone-blocking drug, Arimidex, a week ago and it has made me feel nauseous most of the time, achy, emotional and depressed. I know what the truth is, but I don’t feel it at the moment. I even know what I would tell someone I was counseling or someone I love! I’ve tried to ask myself those questions: “What do you know to be truth? What steps can you take today to make a positive difference? Can you allow yourself to sit in those emotions without letting them decide who you are? Who can you talk to? Etc., Etc., Etc....”.
I know what the truth is, but I don’t feel it at the moment. I even know what I would tell someone I was counseling or someone I love!
Do you deal with any of these feelings? Do you feel like you are just too much or maybe like you just aren’t enough? Are you struggling to just do one thing today? (I ironed a shirt AND sent in a rebate form! Whoa!). Do you feel like an impostor that needs to let all those people who have supported you and called you an inspiration know that it’s just not true today? I think these things – feel these things. I want to scream at God that I’m done being strong and want my life back the way it was.
Yet….I’m so relieved that God knows me and loves me just where I am at right now. He doesn’t want me to pretend, because He already knows. I will just take that next step, believing that God is always there to direct my path. God loves us! He loves you! All of you – just the way you are – in all your messiness – in all your questioning – in your doubts and your pain!
I will choose again today to remember His truths!
“The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works.” Psalm 145:8-9.
“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23.