Day by Day

Processing the Journey

[newlondonlamb]

A Darkness Lifted

Post written by Kathy Lamb on July 9, 2019.

After reading my last post from April I realize I want to finish what I’ve started and keep writing the continuation of my story.

While in Charleston, Joe and I were able to go to Seacoast Church where our daughter Emily met her husband Brian. We had attended many times while visiting Charleston and were excited that it would be the week for First Wednesday worship service (the first Wednesday of every month). We had heard vaguely about healings taking place there since January but hadn’t really thought too much about it as we arrived at Seacoast that evening.

I really wasn’t fully present as I was struggling with depression, forcing myself to engage with Joe and trying to enjoy our vacation. I was wrestling with God about all that we’d been going through with my breast cancer, surgeries, recoveries, follow-ups, medications, etc., as well as my mom’s illness. Yes, I chose to sing the worship songs and cry out to God to make Himself real to me and to give me His peace, but I felt broken and empty as I sang and prayed. During one song, I don’t remember what it was, a member of the worship team approached the microphone and said God was leading Him to pray for someone there in the service – a woman dealing with not just physical illness, but depression and anxiety and doubt. I felt a cool breeze pass over my arms as I heard him, even then questioning if maybe this was for me. As he prayed for the burden to be lifted, I physically felt a weight taken off my shoulders. I quietly gasped and wanted to sit in that for a while and try to truly believe God had Himself lifted off that worry, depression, fear, doubt, anxiety, and weariness from me.

After the service, we went out for a dinner of ice cream I had asked Joe earlier for. ;P I knew I felt a lightness I hadn’t felt in quite a while and tentatively and vaguely shared what I’d experienced with Joe. We enjoyed our treat and went back to the condo for the evening. In the morning, I woke up first and immediately knew I was different! I truly felt content, at peace. I didn’t say anything to Joe, but he quickly noticed as we started our day that I’d been changed. God had chosen to make Himself so real to me and chose to heal me of my burden! I can truly answer people today when they ask me how I am that I’M GREAT! This doesn’t mean that I don’t have side effects from my medications that I can’t stand, or that I don’t get frustrated with achiness and tiredness. I still am sad for my mom needing to stay in a nursing home due to not being able to get up and walk or care for herself.

BUT GOD!

God has been holding me and reminding me daily of His truth DESPITE the circumstances. I truly believe that even if I were to have a recurrence of cancer at some point in my life that I wouldn’t go to that same dark place I was in. Yet even if I did, God would still be there to hold me once again!

Praise the Lord, my soul;

All my inmost being, praise His Holy name.

Praise the Lord, my soul,

And forget not all His benefits—

Who forgives all your sins

And heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from the pit

And crowns you with love and compassion,

Who satisfies your desires with good things

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Psalm 103:1-5

[newlondonlamb]

Some Needed Time Away

Post written by Kathy Lamb on April 29, 2019.

I’m sitting in Mt. Pleasant (Charleston), South Carolina in the condo of some great friends. They have always been so generous to allow others the use of this place! Joe and I flew here last Wednesday night and have been enjoying the sunshine, warmth and time to just be. I’m using it to process all that has happened over the last five months since my diagnosis of breast cancer.

To finish from my previous blog post, I had written that I was diagnosed on November 7, 2018, I had my first surgery on December 6, 2018, my second surgery – a re-excision to remove more cancer on January 8, 2019, and since that still wasn’t enough, my third surgery was February 11, 2019. My third surgery I opted for a mastectomy of my right breast and an axillary lymph node dissection. We were so relieved that this was my decision as the pathology report showed a rather large area of cancer still in the tissue, as well as one additional lymph node with cancer. During that third surgery, my plastic surgeon placed an expander intended to be filled over several months with saline in order to stretch the skin and prepare it for a future surgery where I will have the expander removed and a silicone implant with fat grafting put in its place.

At the same time, I was going through my many surgeries and recoveries, my mom continued to get weaker and sicker. She had been with us over Christmas and was obviously not improving. Joe had many tests run with no definitive answers. She insisted on going back home, but she needed to have someone with her 24/7 as she couldn’t take care of her basic needs. When she fell again one evening, she was admitted to the hospital in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. Her kidney function up until this point had tested normal, but this time it was evident she had failing kidneys and was transferred to Wausau hospital for further evaluation, testing, and treatment. Her kidneys were shutting down and her breathing became labored as her lungs filled with fluid. Finally, a nephrologist ordered a kidney biopsy which came back showing she had a rare autoimmune disease called ANCA vasculitis. She was put on a ventilator and started on dialysis. I was able to see her after my second surgery and was certain she wasn’t going to live through this. She was sedated, pale, and all her tissues were swollen with fluid. We prayed over her and for her as often as possible. I guess it was a distraction from my own health issues. My sister, Julie, was up from San Antonio to be with mom when I couldn’t be. She was amazing as she cared for mom, waded through the maze of medical jargon and procedures and fought for the best care to be given. She so wanted to be with me as I went through surgeries, as she had been diagnosed and underwent treatments for breast cancer two years prior to me. God knew Julie was most needed by mom’s side. She gave up five weeks to be in Wisconsin, all while trying to stay on top of her job as a realtor/property manager with her husband.

Mom wasn’t improving with the dialysis in Wausau and needed to receive hemapheresis as well as dialysis. She was transferred on a ventilator to Marshfield hospital. Leaving her there to return home for my third surgery was heart-wrenching! Would I see my mom alive again? I pleaded with God to spare her life.

Our lives have been so greatly impacted by these two diseases — breast cancer and ANCA vasculitis. Yet God still holds us closely! Just typing this up — the memories have me in tears—tears of pain for all we’ve been through, tears of thankfulness that God has seen fit to spare my mom’s life and mine, tears of love for my dear husband who amazes me more and more each day with his strength and wisdom, and love for my sister who sacrificed a lot to be here for many weeks caring for us all!

But I need to be honest….I’m struggling! I love being away on vacation with Joe! I love the fact that it is the first full week since November without a doctors appointment! I love the sunshine and warmth and chance to see my niece and her family and our dear friends and their littles here in Charleston! Yet God and I are in a wrestling match. I asked Him for clarity on what my problem is, and the word ‘trust’ keeps coming up again and again. Head knowledge tells me absolutely I can and do trust God to have my best in mind. My heart says that I’m not sure I like what that best looks like. I’m stuck in my thoughts all day long and find it difficult to always be fully present. I’m sitting on the edge of depression, yet forcing myself to get out and enjoy life with Joe. Any of you that have dealt with depression know that it usually does boost your mood to just go and do. When we have it’s been just that…great! Yet, once I’m alone it starts again —“Is there still cancer in my body?”, “Will I ever feel more normal?”, “How can my husband find me in any way desirable?”. There are many more questions, such as: “God, can I truly trust You?”, “God, can you give me joy again?”, “God, can you take away my fears?”, “God, can you help me to keep hoping?”.

Wow! It’s difficult to reread that last paragraph—difficult to be so transparent and vulnerable! But I want my journey and my struggles to be used by God to help even one person reading this to know they aren’t alone. God adores me and desires an intimate relationship with me. He feels the same about each of you reading this!!! We must keep in the battle for the enemy wants to seek and destroy what God intends for His good. We must lift each other up in prayer and reach out for support when we are in the depths of despair. We must look for those in our lives who just need to experience the ministry of presence—not quick fixes or platitudes.

Yes, this is a really long post! Way to go if you got all the way through it! My word for 2019 is HOPE and I will continue to have hope for the future God has in store for me as well as all of you! Blessings!

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him”.    Psalm 28:7 (NIV)

“Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long”.    Psalm 25:5 (NIV)

[newlondonlamb]

The Diagnosis Isn’t Easy

Post written by Kathy Lamb on March 19, 2019.

I’m finally making myself sit down to write another blog post. I’ve had so many appointments and so many things churning through my head that I haven’t known where or how to continue.

I received the official diagnosis of breast cancer on Wednesday, November 7, 2018. Joe actually received the information right before I did. I went to his office to hear the news. We were at first stunned and shocked into silence. Our friend and Joe’s nurse, Linda, was right there to help us with follow-up appointments and hugs.

On December 6, 2018, I had my first surgery, a lumpectomy on both breasts and a sentinel node biopsy on the right side. I had received the diagnosis of Invasive Lobular Carcinoma in the right breast and a precancerous area of the same type on the left breast. We waited to hear what the pathologist found in the excised tissues. Happily, the left breast needed no further treatment, but the edges (margins) of the tissue from the right side were not clear of cancer and there was one of two lymph nodes removed that was cancerous. Unfortunately, this meant more tests and more questions and more concerns.

At the same time that I was dealing with a cancer diagnosis and surgery, my mom was very sick with an unknown illness and had been hospitalized the day before my first surgery, December 5, 2018, her birthday. Little did we know then, that she would have to eventually fight for her life in not one but three different hospitals.

**I’m trying to continue with this timeline, but find myself sitting in a sea of emotion today, as I have for the last week. I need to tell you, I trust God, I do! But, I’m really weary and I want to be done with appointments. I had to start a hormone-blocking drug, Arimidex, a week ago and it has made me feel nauseous most of the time, achy, emotional and depressed. I know what the truth is, but I don’t feel it at the moment. I even know what I would tell someone I was counseling or someone I love! I’ve tried to ask myself those questions: “What do you know to be truth? What steps can you take today to make a positive difference? Can you allow yourself to sit in those emotions without letting them decide who you are? Who can you talk to? Etc., Etc., Etc....”.

I know what the truth is, but I don’t feel it at the moment. I even know what I would tell someone I was counseling or someone I love!

Do you deal with any of these feelings? Do you feel like you are just too much or maybe like you just aren’t enough? Are you struggling to just do one thing today? (I ironed a shirt AND sent in a rebate form! Whoa!). Do you feel like an impostor that needs to let all those people who have supported you and called you an inspiration know that it’s just not true today? I think these things – feel these things. I want to scream at God that I’m done being strong and want my life back the way it was.

Yet….I’m so relieved that God knows me and loves me just where I am at right now. He doesn’t want me to pretend, because He already knows. I will just take that next step, believing that God is always there to direct my path. God loves us! He loves you! All of you – just the way you are – in all your messiness – in all your questioning – in your doubts and your pain!

I will choose again today to remember His truths!

“The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works.” Psalm 145:8-9.

“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23.

[newlondonlamb]

An Unexpected Journey

Post written by Kathy Lamb on March 3, 2019.

Going in at the end of October, 2018 for a routine mammogram was no big deal, even knowing I had felt a lump in my right breast. It had become routine to me to have large, fluid-filled cysts that needed a second look, just in case. Thus, I wasn’t surprised to get a call to come back for a second mammogram and possible ultrasound. I knew we were going to be gone for the next two weeks, so made my appointment for after we returned.

Sunday, October 28, 2018 – Joe’s birthday started off in Nashville with our daughter and son-in-love, Jordan. We had a long drive back, so had our breakfast, said our goodbyes and headed out. Going in for that second mammogram wasn’t even on my mind. We talked about our dreams for the future and prayed God would reveal His plans for us in His time. We’ve been talking about dreams for the future and what is God calling us to. We talked about so many things on that long drive, but never about cancer.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018 – I went in to New London hospital to have that second mammogram. When the technician let me know I’d need to stick around for an ultrasound, I really wasn’t surprised, based on past history. I lay on that table like I had many times before – of course, this is just another fluid-filled cyst. The ultrasound tech was friendly and chatty as she started, but seemed to get more serious shortly into the procedure. I think my brain started to take in the fact that she had turned the monitor away from me, was taking measurements and was  no longer chatty. I didn’t process those facts until afterwards. She excused herself to go talk to the radiologist and although I was slightly concerned – maybe concerned – it wasn’t until she flew back in nervously and left again quickly that it was sinking in that something was wrong. It was taking forever for her to come back. I reached for my phone and texted Joe to please come to radiology, just in case,  that I thought something might be wrong. I heard him in the hallway shortly after my text, speaking with the doctor and the tech. They came in and the doctor took over the ultrasound machine and did some more examining and measurements. Joe had his best poker face on, which helped me stay relatively calm. Being told to meet him in his office once I was dressed ramped up my nervousness, but I was trying to take my cues from Joe, who seemed calm. He’s a doctor – he’d know if something was wrong – right? The radiologist showed us the pictures from the mammogram and ultrasound and pointed out the areas of concern. He tried to reassure me that it might be nothing, but that an MRI was the best option just to be sure. I think we knew then that this could be something, but tried to not project our fears into the future. We prayed a lot that night — I remember that.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018 – I went down to Neenah for the MRI. I don’t even remember if Joe came with or if I went alone. I think I just went through the motions. I believe we got the results for that on Friday, November 2, but I’m not sure. I’ve had so, so many appointments that they all run into each other. I actually am looking online at my medical records to try to piece together dates. When the MRI results came back it was clear that this wasn’t a cyst and, in fact, not only was there a suspicious area in the right breast, but also a smaller suspicious area in the left. I was scheduled for a biopsy on Monday, November 5, 2018.

**At this point, I’m going to take a break from the calendar of events and share some things that we did even before an official diagnosis that were helpful. I’ll share the continuation of those events in future posts.**

What we did right:

1.    Prayed!!! A lot!!!!!

2.    Held each other!!! A lot!!!

3.    Cried together!!!!

4.    Joe let our kids know that there was a possibility that I might have breast cancer, but that we wouldn’t know for sure until we got the biopsy results.

5.    We let our praying friends and family know in order for them to begin to lift this up in prayer, even before we knew for sure.

“Remember the word to Your servant, in which You have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that Your word has revived me.” 

Psalm 119:49-50