A Letter To My Infertile Self
I never thought weād be here. Each cycle is harder, each arrival of my period is more painful and each stark white pregnancy test is more heartbreaking than the last. In the hard moments, this is what I wish I could have told myself:
When you thought youād get pregnant within the first three months. Iām so sorry your naive heart is about to be broken.
When your friends told you that they were surprised you werenāt more upset as each month went past and you told them āIām sure if we arenāt pregnant by cycle 6 then itāll really hit me.ā 6 was a hard number, but not as hard as 10, or 12, or 15ā¦Brace yourself.
When you stressed so much about every hundredth of a degree in temperature shift on your BBT chart, worrying so much that you actually caused your period to come late due to overwhelming anxiety. Your temperature is just going to tell you WHEN ovulation happens; whether or not you take it, you will still ovulate. Stop letting it consume you. Breathe.
When everyone at Christmas expected a pregnancy announcement like all of the cute YouTube videos. Iām so sorry. Hold your husbandās hand tight to fight back the tears. It will be okay.
When someone got pregnant by āaccident.ā Just because it isnāt happening for you does not mean others donāt deserve to get pregnant. Protect you heart a little extra when browsing social media.
When someone tells you, āIām sure itāll happen as soon as you relax, stress isnāt going to help. Maybe take a vacation and youāll get pregnant there.ā Itās okay, you can punch them.
When someone tells you, āIt will happen when itās supposed to.ā You ARE supposed to be a mom. You can punch them harder than the last person.
When you went to that birthday party and someone announced their second unplanned pregnancy and you had to run out of the building and sob on the side of the road. Donāt feel guilty for these feelings. You can be happy for someone and be devastated at the same time.
When you sat in the waiting room of the fertility clinic waiting to meet with the RE for the first time. Hold your husbandās hand a bit harder. This is scary for him too.
When you second guess everything you do and how it effects your fertility. It is important to lose weight, eat healthy and maintain low stress levels. But this is not your fault.
When another male doctor who discusses the facts instead of the aching in your heart is poking around your vagina for your HSG. Breathe in, breathe out. This is quicker than you think.
When your husband is preparing for his semen analysis. Reassure him more often. You are the one who constantly talks about babies, imagine how he will feel if he cannot give that to you. He is so scared.
When you get the āunexplained infertilityā diagnosis. Itās okay to be happy and sad about this news. Happy nothing is wrong, sad that there isnāt an easy āfixā. Embrace these emotions, bottling them up will only hurt later.
When you become numb to the process, no longer devastated at the arrival of each period, no longer researching fertility facts for hours, no longer reading the TTC blogs and message boards. Try your best to feel your emotions. Donāt let them consume you, soon you will explode if you keep them inside. You will explode in 3, 2, 1ā¦
When you explode from bottling up your emotions for too long. Cry. Breathe a little, then cry some more. This is hard.
When you take it a bit further and sob on the couch while watching pregnancy announcements on YouTube. STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW.
When you put off starting your IUIās out of fear they wonāt work. You wonāt get a baby if you donāt try.
And here we are. This is your last month trying naturally and next month we start our first IUI. You got this. This is scary. But you have a loving husband who supports you unconditionally and a family that is there for you and no matter what, you will be a mother one day. You are strong. You are more than an infertility diagnosis. You are a future mother of one very lucky child.